Learning Beautiful

It is for freedom that we have been set free. Galatians 5:1

2012-02-05T16:48:00.004-05:00

I live in a constant state of varying degrees of angst, anger, and mourning over the condition of the American church and the lives it destroys.

What I mean by that is simple - the more "deep thinking" people I meet, the more atheists I meet. Atheists who were once church-going people. And I've not met ONE who had nothing to say about being judged by those in the church - either for something they'd done, a struggle they were having, or a question they'd asked.

Whatever became of "No one comes to the Father but by Me (Christ)"? In other words, who are you to condemn someone for their flaws? It is only Christ who can save, not works. Whatever became of "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing"? In other words, the most important thing you can do as a Christian is to love the people around you, not judge them.

Yes, I have selfish motives too. I'm single. I'd rather NOT be. But the kind of man in whose company I long to be is a thinking man. A wise man. An intellectual, if you will. People of this kind are few to begin with, so it's exciting when I find one... until I discover he's just another who couldn't bear up under the burdens of the pharisees.

Maybe it saved my soul after all - not to be too involved in my church and relationships therein, as I was growing up.

C.S. Lewis is one of the most widely read Christian authors, right? (I've never heard that stated statistically, but it just about has to be true, so we're going with it.) He's AMAZING. If so many have read his works, so many of which deal directly with the dangers of tradition without meaning and the need to integrate active love into every fiber of your being, why hasn't the church caught on?

It's never JUST the treatment from church, of course. They start thinking independently and their conclusions conflict with what they've heard growing up, so they eventually abandon it completely for the life that makes more sense, logically. The problem there is that it's so absolute. Which makes SENSE because the church tends to present itself as absolute, starting with "Jesus is the only way to salvation" (true) and going to such extremes as "gays deserve to be persecuted" (untrue). In fact, in some churches, you can get in trouble or at the very least shunned if you start challenging what's said, but if you can't bring yourself to shake the underlying message that everything they present is absolute, then you MUST reject it entirely. And therein lies the problem. Because guess what? Every church is full of flawed, sinful, foolish people. Sometimes out of hate, sometimes out of ignorance, a message is taught that is either inherently or subliminally wrong and becomes a stumbling block.

All it takes is, "Of course evolution isn't true. The Bible says otherwise. Stop asking questions." Do you REALLY know that God didn't use evolutionary properties in the process of creation? Were you there? After all, "A thousand years are like a day." Or perhaps, "Stop doing that. You're a disappointment to your family and to God." How horrifying. Christ DIED out of love for that person. LOVE. An awareness of sin that inspires growth is one thing; paralyzing guilt is something else entirely. The former builds up; the latter drives the person either to weakness and numbness or rebellion.

And so they go their own way. They say, "I can do a better job of living than this. I can be happier because I won't be guilt-ridden, I'll actually love people - unlike all those judgmental Christians, and I'm going to start enjoying life." When in fact, if they'd taken the flaws of the church with a grain of salt and studied the Scriptures for themselves and come to their own conclusions about what was said rather than accepting what was said from the pulpit as absolute, they might just have seen that debilitating guilt has no place in the life of a Christian, our second greatest commandment IS to love people (and we have better reasons for it than anyone else in the world), and "it is for freedom we have been set free."

"Go and sin no more" might not mean "If you sin again, you're going straight to hell" so much as it probably means "Go live life to the fullest. That means not letting this foolishness bog you down any more. A full life requires the use of wisdom, and she's knocking... but letting her lead you requires an alert mind and open heart."

coffeecoffeecoffee

2012-02-04T06:48:00.004-05:00

I love my little coffee shrine. It's so zen.

Monday through Saturday I get up in the morning, put the little filter in, put two rounded tablespoons of Folgers in the filter, fill the pot up with water to a little past the "2" mark, pour it in and turn it on. One spoon of sugar, two sloshes of creamer, and hot coffee into a cute mug like the one you see here, and voila!

Sundays I go fellowship with my coffee shop owner friend, Ian, before driving two minutes up the road to go to church. I like Ian. He's really, really cool. Don't know many Catholics, but I'd wager he's one of the coolest ones available. And he makes me good coffee on my coffee-making day of rest.

I don't know. Maybe it's that it's one thing, however small, that I can count on to ground my day. Coffee and quiet time. I don't even need it for caffeine - it doesn't have that effect on me. It's just... an innocent little indulgence into habit and routine that makes me happy. I even try to keep that surface cleared of other stuff just because, even if everything else in my life is a wreck, THIS little place I go to in the morning can be clear of clutter and distraction.

Coffee's ready.

Ripped in 30

2012-02-04T06:33:00.002-05:00

In regard to my own journey to a healthier lifestyle, I wish I had more to report.

My awesome little brother found out that I like Jillian Michaels workout videos and gave me what is rumored to be her most difficult video to date. To give you an idea, I like workout videos, I stay pretty strong and was in tolerably good health when I started. I could even do more pushups than my Marine brother! So you're supposed to do each of four workouts for one week and by the end of 28-30 days, you'll be ripped. But I can't handle it. Week one was 10 days. Week two was 14. I'm in "week" three now and I'll probably give it a solid three weeks before venturing into the most difficult workout on the DVD. And I've been doing them four or five times a week. >_<

And maybe it's mostly my diet - I'm careful but I haven't been restricting as much as I was at the beginning of the year. But I've only lost like six pounds in the five and a half weeks that I've been doing this workout and trying to get healthier. And I LOOK really toned, but I don't notice my clothes fitting much better at all. Kinda bummed about that at this point. But it's still good to feel like I'm doing something for my health. ^_^

Happy Thoughts, Healthy Body, Hopeful Future.

2012-02-04T06:18:00.003-05:00

That's the title of a "tumblr" I started following a few months ago. The author calls herself "Em" and she's almost ten years younger than I. And I love her site because it's so uplifting. Pictures of beauty. Reminders that women can be beautiful despite their size because the attitude shines out. An emphasis on healthy living not because you need to be skinny but because you need to be... healthy. All sorts of positive sayings for all people. Enjoying the simple things in life.

Do I agree with her on 100% of everything? Not quite. And she brings little to no input that indicates an adherence to any specific religion. And she's SO AWESOME.

Also, I think she originally started the site to chronicle her fitness progress. She ended up losing less than ten pounds (according to the before and after picture I found... this was all long before I started reading), but because she did it "the healthy way" and started working out more and building muscle, you'd have thought she'd lost 30-40. My. Hero.

Em, if you ever stumble across this entry of mine, I have so much respect and admiration for you. Thanks for being a consistent bright spot even on dark days.

Men are like cars, part 2

2012-01-23T04:58:00.003-05:00

And then sometimes, on those very rare occasions, the car is exactly what you were hoping to find, inside and out.

And sometimes, on even more rare occasions, the guy you had good vibes about for no logical reason actually turns out to be someone you really enjoy... and who wants to get sushi with you sometime soon.

Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut and go for what you really want while you can.

(this is so unlike me...)

^_^

EDIT: Unfortunately, unlike cars, you can't take men to a mechanic to make sure everything is as sound as it seemed on the first couple of outings....

Men are like cars.

2012-01-20T07:03:00.002-05:00

Car hunting is like man hunting.

You see mostly cars that aren't what you're looking for. They're out of your league, they're crappy, they're not the right color, they're just downright ugly, they don't work right.

Then you find one that looks good. The outer appearance is exactly what you're looking for, the age is right for your needs, it has all the perks and quirks that you've come to love (or wished you had) in previous cars, the transmission from this gear into the next is the kind that you need.

But you have to spend some time with the car before you can really know if it's right for you. If it looks good on the inside, whether it really can get hot and cool when you need it to be, whether its "get up and go" is reliable, how well it will open up (and also protect), whether it has a tendency to overheat....

I test drove my first beetle last night. The price was pushing my limit but the picture looked okay and the miles were low. But then I got in the car. It looked like CRAP. The whole interior was falling apart, cracking, the "radio" sounded like it was playing through a set of earbuds, the starter struggled, the engine struggled, and you got that grimy feeling you get when you've spent a while at a bowling alley. Oh, and there was black duct tape on the outside of the black car.

Black isn't my preference anyway. I'm looking at a green one tonight. It might be out of my league, and I've little confidence that it'll still be available by the time I get my turn. But I'm giving it a shot. Here's hoping the inside looks good because everything I've heard sounds amazing. Sometimes you actually get exactly what you're looking for....

trust

2012-01-10T11:53:00.003-05:00

Why is it more difficult to rest in God's goodness for the big things than the little things? Like, when it comes to my relationship status, my health, my job, my living situation... it's easy to say God's in control of whatever was, is, or will happen to me and so I don't need to fret over it. These usually feel like "big things."

Somehow my car seems like a little thing.

I mean, I HAVE one, currently. They're everywhere. They can be bought with money (unlike health, relationships, jobs, etc). But having to buy a new one is full of problems - will my old one die before I find one? Will the new one die before I've gotten it home? Will it be a huge disappointment and a bigger waste of money? Who can I trust?

I suppose maybe it's hard to imagine Him caring about the "little things" we care about. But the fact of the matter is, His control and care is not directly proportional to the size of the danger.

I drew, tonight.

2012-01-06T19:51:00.014-05:00

There's something so joyous about studying the face of someone who is gleeful - especially when studying to draw a portrait. No matter how attractive they were to begin with, they become more and more so as you study the angles of the mouth, the squint of the eyes, the creases of the cheeks in order to reproduce the joy they radiated when the picture was taken.

Of course, I had it easy - I was drawing my brother, who is already attractive, from a picture taken the week he got engaged, so you don't get much more gleeful than that. I kept giggling, "He's so CUTE!" in the coffee shop. ^_^

It's really difficult for me to work on a piece of art in my own home. I guess I got the hang of it with the Celtic cross I did last year... but it's hard to get into that groove with a new piece for some reason. It's like I have writer/artist's block somehow. So rather than worrying (too much) about all the empty calories, I went both to my wine tasting (wooooohoo) and then to my Sunday morning coffee shop around the corner and sat for a couple of hours working on Josh's portrait.

I have this burning to share the beauty of the world in my art, either by photography or by drawing something that makes the viewer think or just get excited about seeing an everyday thing in a new light. I think that's fantastic. But so often I put it off in order to clean or do laundry or work on another project or... whatever. It's so bad that one of my New Year's resolutions is that I'm required to allow myself four hours a week to draw, lol. But it's complicated because even if you HAVE a new piece of art or photography, you still have to GET it into the computer and edit it and re-size it and upload it and so on... it becomes so overwhelming. So maybe I need to allot ANOTHER couple of hours to that sort of thing, lol.

I really like trees. And reflections. Can you tell?

After any goal is reached....

2012-01-04T21:47:00.003-05:00

"Think about how hard you just worked.

Most people don't show up in their own lives. They go through live every single day without being focused and bringing their "A" game.

Transformation is not a future event. It is a present activity. That is why you must bring everything that you have in every moment.

And it doesn't have to be perfect! It's not about perfect. It's about effort. You bring that effort every single day and that's where transformation happens. That's when change occurs."

~Jillian Michaels

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

2012-01-04T12:17:00.003-05:00

Dad shared this with me. I liked it. Thought you might, too....

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your "avoid being alone" principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it.
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing.
Be a testament.

My Spock Mode had a glitch yesterday....

2011-12-30T06:02:00.002-05:00

Here's where the problem is NOT:

I know that my circumstances are exactly in line with what God has planned. He is never late; nor is He early. He arrives precisely when He means to, as do all of His blessings (including the ones that seem like trials).

I have no problem trusting that. The bigger picture of my life and the timeline are all taken care of. I'm letting HIM worry about that one. So what is it?

I certainly have no problem with His plan. I mean, He's GOD. He's working all things for my GOOD. Anger? No, I don't get angry at God. Like I said, sometimes the good things seem like bad ones but it's just because of forced perspective. It'll make more sense later, when life has given us a few different angles to view from. HE knows that they're good. So that's not it either. So what is it?

Funny how a scent can not only remind you of a place or person but of the state of mind you were in the last time you smelled it. Apparently I was using Midnight Pomegranate five years ago in conjunction with a certain budding relationship. Even as it failed to bloom and gradually withered, I had hope. I had SO. MUCH. HOPE. This is right. This is good. This will work out eventually. This is REAL. This is why people get married. This is what I've been looking for. It could really happen to me!

I came in contact with that smell yesterday at the mall. It was kind of heartbreaking because I was so aware of how long I've been devoid of that particular brand of hope. I have hope for my future with Christ. I have hope that He knows what He's doing. I have hope for seeing the glorious bigger picture one day and am trying just to faithfully live out the daily pieces until then. But hope for things not promised, never guaranteed, and thus far, always disappointing? No. I've lost that hope. Why waste the mental energy on something God's got under His control, something over which I have even LESS control than other things in my life, something that might be after all only a dream that fades into the mist?

But I pitied myself last night for not having what other people have. How illogical! I think it wasn't even envy of their station, what they have, what they have coming... I think it might just be that sometimes the good news of others stirs too violently the memories and brings back the emotional turmoil of when I cared too much about it. Of when I hadn't found peace for where I am now. And it thrusts at my face the reminder that still time goes on. These years of my life, a season of life and youth commonly spent in union with another, are already gone. Never to be shared.

So? They were years I needed to spend alone. I could not be the person I need to be without that time. Yet on days like yesterday, I still want to mourn the perceived loss.

So I think the problem is not envy of what I don't have but a grieving of what I can never give.

Somehow it was all too much yesterday and Spock took a leave of absence.

Now I'm just... sad.

a Rich life

2011-11-30T17:57:00.007-05:00

I love Rich Mullins. Absolutely adore him. Or at least the persona he left behind when he passed away in 1997. Most people don't know who he is; I tell them he wrote "Awesome God" and "Step by Step." At that point, most people who spent any of their life in the church in the eighties or nineties knows who I'm talking about.

I'm also infatuated with C.S. Lewis. He reminds me of Rich in all the best ways and I think they could have been friends.

Obviously they're both deceased and no longer available as potential husbands for me. Tragic. There's just something about the way they expressed themselves as they delighted in their Creator that is irresistible and helplessly draws my heart. They loved people. They loved creation. And they loved its Maker. They knew how to just LIVE WELL and delight in the secrets that God had revealed in their beautiful, artistic, vibrant souls.

It occurred to me this morning that I have met someone... still living! and relatively close to my age!... to whom my heart responded similarly. After heartbreak and shut-down and disappointment after tearful disappointment, it's a rare day indeed that I'm immediately drawn to anyone at all, but this guy, I was. He's "just not that into me," sadly, but it's fascinating to see what my heart is still capable of. And what it might yet have and hold, one day. Because if I find that spark in two dead people and even a live one, chances are good that there might be another.

But then you come back to the real world. That every day world. And you remember all the stories you've heard about the marriages that fail and the couples that persevere and how the magic just doesn't ever last, so you shouldn't expect it to. Heck, why bother hoping for it to begin with, so long as you can both commit to enjoy each others' company and laugh and grow old together and support each other till death do you part? Happy. Home. Protected and loved. Just living life together, because that's all anyone ever really does, right?

The promises and longings of the past hold me in a warm embrace, but glimpses of the spark always leave me unsatisfied, if only for a second.

Patching holes

2011-11-16T11:47:00.013-05:00

If you are here, you probably already know that I visited the dentist last week, due to my FB updates. There, I informed my stalkers that I'd been convicted of negligence of my local tooth doctor of choice and my sentence was that I'd need a crown; the jury was still out on whether I deserved a root canal as well.

A mere five days later, I returned to the courtroom to receive final sentencing.

I don't consider myself to be afraid of dentists. I mean, I don't ENJOY going, but I've never loathed it either. But after praying for thirty minutes that God would spare me from the root canal (and the hefty fine it would involve), I got to the office and found myself nearly paralyzed and glued to the seat of my car.

Once inside, I waited about 15 minutes before they took me back. Not ideal when you're feeling the way I was.

When they did bring me to the chair of death, they said they'd received my message asking whether I could trade my sentence for a simple removal of the tooth in question, and so they inquired as to whether I'd made a final decision about that. THAT was when the tears started. And wouldn't quit for some time.

Something about permanent damage to my body gives me the heebie jeebies. Y'know, scars, broken bones that don't heal right, amputation, diseases that you will never heal from... and especially on this day, tooth pulls. I also get the heebie jeebies when you talk about or perform a grinding motion on bone. Especially MY bones. This includes everything from the tooth exfoliation everyone is subjected to during a routine check-up to the prescribed crown procedure. So THAT made me cry. So did being alone. So did the helpless feeling I had - am I doing the right thing? It's SO much money! Have I asked the right questions? Have I answered theirs correctly??

Finally I told the nice lady through my tears that I wanted to see if they could fix my tooth.

I was totally self-conscious - there were LITTLE girls in the neighboring chairs and *I* was the one in tears. The bewildered head dentist came in and gave me a very nice pep talk about how it wouldn't hurt any worse than a regular filling and I shouldn't worry about that. They went through all the preparations leading up the part where they clean out the old filling and the decay and see how much damage they're working with. Then they got to work. Remember what I said about grinding on bone? Yeah. *shudders* So I was kind of distracted. But I remember hearing "I hate to say this, but..." and "The walls are good and strong..." over the squealing of the machinery in my mouth.

At last, he had mercy on my face and leaned back. "Well, it looks like we were wrong last week. You just need to get this one refilled. I mean, it's a BIG cavity, but that's all it is. Everything around it is healthy and totally salvageable." I started crying again.

It hit me quickly, as it has before, the shock of a prayer unprayed answered nonetheless. They'd told me I would absolutely HAVE to get a crown. No question. I'd accepted that as fact and didn't bother asking God about it... only the possible root canal.

I was thinking about it this morning and wanted to share something. I hadn't been shocked, for some reason. RELIEVED, to be sure, but not shocked. Like, "Well, yeah. He's Dad. Of course He could fix it." But He only *could* have. God answers prayers with "No" all the time. Eventually Grandpa does die, no matter how hard you pray for him. Sometimes we and those we love suffer for sin, despite tears and prayers for relief. And obviously the hundreds of people praying that their team would win can't always get a "Yes" when there are hundreds of other people praying for their OPPOSING team.

It would not have been any less gracious of God to see that I needed some financial hardship, some pain, some humbling, some empathy... or perhaps that I needed to be at a certain place at a certain time related to my crowning. I'd never have known. But sometimes the grace of God doesn't have to wait five years to be evident. And I'd like to publicly thank Him for the relief of kindness and grace undeserved that shines clear in the now.

Pretty

2011-11-12T06:25:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I click on the link to my own blog just cuz I like to look at it. I think it's really pretty. ^_^

"When it feels like forever...

2011-11-03T18:37:00.004-04:00

... since you've seen the face of someone who loves you... then one is all that you need... all that you need to move you on. All you need is one." ~Tina Dico

I think this had a lot to do with why I was having such a hard time. I know it's cliche and it's not Christian and it's not resting in God... but that's where I was. I was feeling so alone - in my battles at work, in concerns about my car, in my faith that seems to estrange me from the body of Christ rather than bind me to it, in friendships that fizzled....

It wasn't like I was upset at God or felt like He was picking on me. But for some reason, my heart was not in such a place that His love evidenced in an act 2000 years ago and in His mercy evident every day of my life was enough to make me feel connected to anything. And maybe that's what He meant when He said it's not good for us to be alone, though I'm fully aware that it's what we need at times for a time.

Times like this, the hurt is graffitied all over my face and everyone wants to give me a hug. Yet somehow it doesn't help, even though I desperately want one. Sometimes it has to be from someone special... someone who has already earned your trust - not through compassionate-but-ignorant sympathy hugs but by actually walking down your road with you, chasing after you when necessary, listening and holding you when you couldn't even stand.

Married people, when the relationship is good, have this built in. You have someone to go home to who HAS been walking with you for a while. You have someone safe to turn to. Singles don't have that unless they've cultivated something similar in the form of a friendship. Maybe most are able to do that better than I. I don't know. But I do know that sometimes God reaches down to touch a tear-stained face and says, "You need a companion." Sometimes all you need is one, even just for one day, and you can face the world again.

another rough day

2011-10-31T19:11:00.004-04:00

Finally, I even tried simply crying the pain away. Sorry to say it didn't work.

__________________________

Peace and contentment are byproducts rather than goals. I mean, you can't say, "I'm going to go be peaceful and content now." Well, actually, I'm sure many people do in fact approach it that way, but realistically, these things are not goals in themselves - they can only be achieved by doing something else of which they are results.

So I was frustrated with myself today because I know the truth about God and I don't question Him and I know I have hope... and STILL I've been really struggling to break even, let alone be reveling in joy.

I got distracted. I was assuming (and not entirely without reason) that I should be able to get to a place where the joy and peace flowed naturally. I believe that's possible. But I was more concerned about the byproducts not being there than I was about pursuing the real goals. So specifically, I've been gut-wrenchingly lonely for weeks. And today the loneliness flowed freely from my heart out my eyeballs in shifts all day long. "I'm lonely. This hurts really bad. Why is this throwing me off track? Where did my peace go? Don't I KNOW better than to let this get me down?" should be replaced with a simple focus on the things that matter and keep me too busy loving to be lonely. Not denying my feelings but living in such a way that the more unpleasant ones don't take root.

Currently Listening: "He's Just Not That Into You" audio book on CD

2011-10-31T06:23:00.003-04:00

Jessica Naomi Reinicke
So, "This was fun. We should do this again soon," could mean anything from, "I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you," to "I may or may not have been glad to have spent this time with you and I MIGHT not run screaming if you make me feel like a bad guy for not calling you," and the only way to know is whether or not HE actually asks for YOUR time. -_-

Paul M. T. Savoy
Spoiler: We men are much simpler creatures than you women seem to intuit. Not that we're all base, mind you- we're just not really as cryptic as you might imagine. "I'd like to see you again" is pretty likely to mean just that.
Like · 2 people

Jessica Naomi Reinicke
Yeah, if you worded it like that, you're probably right. But I get the "We should do this again soon" a good bit... and it rarely means anything happens any time soon. I get it from girls too, lol - even my FRIENDS don't want to see me again soon. :-P

The difficulty is that the same message is left whether the guy is into the girl or not. If he's not interested, he doesn't want to make her feel bad in the moment, but when he leaves her with hopeful words, he doesn't realize he's sacrificing both her long-term happiness and possibly his sanity by not saying up front that he really is just not interested.

I'm not angry at anybody in particular... just at myself - frustrated at how many "hopeful words" I've clung to in the past and now am feeling really dumb about it.

Nathan Cockrell
I think this can go both ways depending on the person. And I know how you feel Jessica I've done some clinging in my days and its not healthy for either person involved. I think your awesome so don't feel dumb about some dumb wording

Waiting for the polish to dry...

2011-10-30T07:48:00.003-04:00

I found out a long time ago that I can still surf the web and type while drying some nail polish. So here I am.

Today: church, hiking at Jones Gap (about an hour from here) with a group from church, then trying to get back into town as early as possible to get to a BSS Halloween party tonight. (see previous statement about my nails and guess which color they are. ^_^) Helped some dear old loves - a married couple I know from college - move in Columbia yesterday and we went to WalMart afterwards. Therein, I did not resist purchasing an angel costume. It had awesome huge bell bottom sleeves! What else could I do??

I've never bought a Halloween costume. Ever. And most of them are too skanky for my taste anyway (at least I'd never leave the house like that!) so this is a long dress with great sleeves. And I'm going to bad-angel it with black half-finger gloves and Catwoman boots. :-P

I just hope I can make it to the party!!

rough day

2011-10-27T22:02:00.002-04:00

I just felt so defeated today. Normally I have some fight left before I leave work. Some spunk. But not today. As much as I was ready to be GONE, I had trouble trudging out to the car because it took so much energy.

I had a great morning, too. The kind that makes you think you can take on the world. Who knows where I'd have been if the morning had been lousy!

Riddle me this. The Bible has any number of things to say about not associating with church folk who don't act like God. So I wonder if the whole "iron sharpens iron" bit is more a conscious effort sort of thing (where you have the kind of relationship that involves loving correction and discussion) rather than "Spend time with people who aren't like you and drive you crazy because they'll show you where you need to work on pride." Granted, that's a PERFECTLY legitimate and good way to grow should that be the circumstance in which you find yourself. But seeking those situations out...?

I mean, if folks are going to be discontented and complain and maintain a negative attitude about life, and you're NOT like that unless you've been forced to spend a lot of time with those folks and it's gotten into your bloodstream, isn't the logical solution similar to telling a teenager to turn off the raunchy music and TV because it has a negative effect on their worldview?

"Everything"

2011-10-24T18:11:00.003-04:00

A mantra of love

2011-10-21T21:17:00.003-04:00

Remember how I was saying I needed to come up with a mantra that just wouldn't formulate itself in my head no matter how hard I tried? I think I got it.

Sort of.

My plan was inherently flawed because the idea was to throw up walls and guards and protection against the negative attitude. I say flawed not because we should be without defenses but because once again it relieves me of the real work of engaging the person. A mantra reminds me of truth and defends against the lie that complaining is a good thing... and leaves the person in front of me in the dust.

No, the thing I need to remember is not, in this case, weighed more heavily on the "wisdom" side of things but on the "love." I believe very strongly that they go hand in hand and do not exist without each other, but there is plenty of wisdom that says real love will not allow a fellow Christian to persist in sin. That if you really love them, you'll come alongside them and remind them of truth.

But that's tough love. I don't have "tough love" relationships with any of the girls at work. I think there must be exceptions that say simply, the truth will not be heard in love no matter how it is delivered, and the best thing you can do for the person is simply meet them where they're at... without entering into the same folly.

Changes

2011-10-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

When you have someone you see everyday, you can't imagine the thought of ever NOT seeing them almost every day. But if you go from lunch 4.5 days a week, to missing a day or two every week, to gradually not having time to do it once a week sometimes, you find it IS bearable, though you still love them as much as ever. Life changes.

And when someone passes away suddenly, it hits hard and sudden and you miss them dearly. But if they'd been sick... out three days here, a week there... finally retired but still holding on, it hits differently when you hear they've finally let go. That's not to say, however, it doesn't hit you - death changes too.

Joey, a former co-worker of mine, was diagnosed with cancer that was supposed to kill him in six months. That was something like seven years ago. He was an inspiration to a lot of people to the validity of worldview and positive thinking and not losing the will to live. He did finally let go last night and it's still strange to think that, though he officially retired months ago, he'll never come waltzing in the door for a visit. And I'm really glad that the last time he did stop by, he had lots of energy and was in good spirits.

My prayers go out to his wife and extended family, which includes my co-workers, some of whom have known him since the beginning of his career here over twenty years ago.

"37 days and counting...."

2011-10-19T21:45:00.008-04:00

To those of you who read both my FB updates AND my blog, you may be pleased to hear an explanation of this recent status.

Yesterday marked exactly 37 days till the Wednesday before Thanksgiving Thursday. Two years ago, the Monday after Thanksgiving, was when I went in for the interview that almost immediately got me the job I'm currently working. So in a way, it was 37 days until I could officially plaster "two years" on a resume as my tenure at the company. And actually, more specifically, I'd put "2009-2011," which sounds even better.

With this in mind, 37 days (35 now, if you count yesterday and today) is the length of time I've given my company to get their act together. If I don't see a marked improvement before then, they're fired.

Here's the problem. I feel relatively secure (most days) in my job, and I genuinely enjoy the activities I perform. I think I do them quite well, frankly, in addition to actually liking them. But it's an absolutely miserable place to work, and it came to a peak on Monday as I emailed the new temp a frank answer to her question, "Does it get any better? I really want to be part of a team working toward a common goal!" I had to tell her that she'd seen a pretty typical couple of weeks at the company.

God was supremely gracious and brought to mind that the bitterness and complaining spirit had crept into my soul from the abundant supply available seeping from the walls of that discontent-infested office. And that I'd had a lot going on the last few days... perhaps I needed to take a breath and pray.

I asked God for wisdom as I read my Scripture passages for the day and LOL'd that my reading included a passage from Ecclesiastes, but I figured that might not be the sign I was looking for. At least not to answer the question of fighting TODAY'S battles. That would be a little too easy....

What did sound a little more like a word from God was that I'm in this position for a reason. The rampant injustice boils my soul... and the fact that my heart responds thus is quite possibly the biggest reason I'm here. I'm NOT gracious. My pride is what's ticked off more than anything. And there will always be people who will treat me like bull dung, so what better place to learn how to respond in a Godly manner than in an office where you get practice every day? I mean, I can SAY they're fired, but God knows I'm not going anywhere before I have somewhere to go to, and He can drag that process out as long as He needs to.

My natural tendency is to respond in one of two ways - get angry, or run away. And the problem is that it seems the negativity has been pursuing me lately, so I've been unable to run away and been getting angry. But see... you can control the people you allow to be in your social life and influence your thoughts in that sense ("equally yoked" should be applied to more relationships than marriage), but there are any number of situations, especially at work, where you have no control over whether people will bring hate into your day. And we NEED to have a response ready.

I kept trying to come up with a mantra of sorts - something to say to myself when the complaining starts so that I can start off on the right track rather than getting derailed and having to do damage control for the next hour. Never did come up with anything. Nothing at all. But considering the situation in this light made all the difference in the world to my day - just acknowledging my part in the problem. First really good day I've had at work in some time.

Now. Do I want to continue to work long term for a boss who overlooks problems because he's too busy with the bottom line and bad with confrontation, under a supervisor with poor people skills who plays favorites and is also bad with confrontation, with a co-worker who makes huge errors and (successfully!) distracts from them by screaming about petty mistakes others have made (which, by the way, would not have happened if she'd actually taught us how to do the task properly to begin with) and loves confrontation while being condescending, among people who are miserably content to be discontent? Not really. Not when it's so blatantly obvious that the problem would virtually solve itself with the replacement of one employee and the hiring of a supervisor who actually has skills in the field. But regardless of any other yet unknown factors, if I can't learn to respond humbly and graciously in such difficult circumstances, I feel certain I'll be here a while. Let's get crackin'.

horns, whistles, and winks

2011-10-18T12:10:00.003-04:00

I was out walking down Main Street with a couple of girls the other night and a car of guys hooted as they drove by. One of them complained how distasteful it was for a guy to do that. "What does he think he's gonna get?"

And maybe I'm weird... but actually I really like it for that reason.

I don't want a guy I don't know to walk up to me and start hitting on me for no reason other than that I'm pretty. That's shallow and extremely unattractive. I mean, yeah, attraction is important, and I want a guy to think I'm pretty, and it's probably what actually initialized interest, but I still also want to feel like he's interested in finding out what's BEHIND my eyes rather than staring at their surface... or at anything else.

But.

You're driving by a girl you think is pretty. You'll never see her again. You have nothing to gain or lose by hurling universally understood messages of "I think you're hott!" It might just be the purest form of compliment.

>';'<

2011-10-13T17:50:00.001-04:00

Some days the only thing you can do when you get home at the end of the day is collapse onto the floor with your cat and cry....

Memory Lane

2011-10-11T21:03:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been? It's near Charleston. I saw it when I was on my way down to see my brother graduate from Marine boot camp. I meant to take a walk down it on my way back, but didn't get a chance.

I was just checking out some of my old posts - 2008. Funny - the first one I went to was about not judging people when you don't know all the circumstances, LOL.

It's interesting how much a person can change in three and a half years, and how obvious those changes are by the way they write. I'd just moved to Greenville, still working at The Spa. And I wrote. A LOT.

I felt things. A great many MORE things, as well as in different ways. I was innocent to a lot of things, and ignorant as well. There are things I understood then that I've lost sight of... and there are things that I've wrapped my head around now that I just couldn't, back then.

For a long time, I could see it just beyond my reach that there were expectations that a person could mature to the point that the truths we repeat to ourselves do finally change the way we think rather than leaving us to forever make the mistakes before we remember what we know. Now I sit in the church sanctuary amidst all the people I previously saw as having already "arrived" at that stage of "enlightenment" if you will only to see continued struggles with the basic principles of "God knows what He's doing." I very much appreciated this past week's sermon - not because I needed to hear it, but because it seems that I never hear it from anyone else and it was encouraging to know I wasn't the only one who thinks of God that way.

I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to close this post, but I can't think of anything brilliant. Here. Have a picture.

"Learn how to f*ing drive!!!"

2011-10-10T17:46:00.002-04:00

This cheery greeting was pronounced to me through the passenger side window of a large red van when I was almost home today.

The light at the exit that I take to get home is really brief, so while the right hand left turn lane is the one I SHOULD have been in, I have in the past had no trouble getting where I needed to go by taking the left hand left turn lane and merging afterwards. So I got off the interstate and made my turn. There was a gap in the lane where I needed to be, with a red light ahead - everyone would be slowing down anyway. I turned on my blinker and merged.

The aforementioned red van sped up to tailgating me in about half a second's time, swerved around, and its passenger screamed profanities at me while they sat at the red light and I made the right-on-red turn onto my street.

It's interesting. Neither of the guys (to my knowledge) have ever watched me drive in the past. I made a split second decision that seemed appropriate at the time, and such decisions are not always best, but everyone makes them whether their standard style of driving is poor or excellent. But because of that two second observation, this stranger was filled with rage and presumptions that I had no understanding of how to operate my vehicle.

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? But then again, we all do it, don't we?

It probably happens most often in traffic, but it happens in the grocery store, at school, the rage wells up when we see that the roommate or spouse or child didn't clean up after their breakfast.... But think about them for a second. You never know what kind of day the "thoughtless" person was having. What painful situations might have them distracted. Whether you were simply in the blind spot of that guy who cut you off. Whether the roommate has been kicking herself all day for forgetting to put the dishes away. This is what I was talking about the other day - most people aren't intentionally rude, and when they are, why get upset over it? But we do! Why ruin your OWN day with such a negative attitude?

I'm actually really struggling through today. It would have been nice if I hadn't gotten yelled at on my way home. But I hope that guy's day gets better - his must have been a doozy.

Working up to mustard seed faith?

2011-10-08T18:37:00.001-04:00

"And I will wait to find if this will last forever... And I will pay no mind when it won't, and it won't, cuz it can't." John Mayer

I like to search for truth among those who don't believe in Truth because the best of them tend to be brutally honest about the way things are. They'll tell you there ARE answers to the hard questions. Take their answers for what they are, and discard them if they're lacking truth, but don't let misguided ideas keep you from searching.

Believers, on the other hand, are often too afraid of being exposed... of finding themselves grounded on shallow tradition rather than on something solid. By shying away from the darker side of life, they sell God shamefully short.

These thoughts are brought to you today by the all around great experience of a killer hike up a beautiful Paris Mountain on an early fall Saturday morning. Who thinks I'll manage to get out there more often if I go ahead and get the year-long membership? *raises hand*

The Quiet of a Lonesome Heart

2011-10-06T18:36:00.000-04:00

Okay, so maybe I lied. I probably would not ask C.S. Lewis for coffee if he were still alive and I passed him on the street. I mean, maybe. In a fit of insanity. That's not to say I wouldn't love to be a fly on the wall while he shared drinks and smokes with anyone of sound mind, but I'd fear I'd have nothing to add to a one on one conversation....

I've done my workout video. Stinky and sticky, I probably shouldn't do laundry, but I did anyway. Angels and Airwaves is still playing in the other room - I've done the workout so many times that I put on something else to listen to while I follow a silent television. I think I was going to post a lyric from this album, but I forget which one now.

Oh. That was the last song. The apartment is quiet now except for the clicking of the washer and the neighbor's dog outside my window. And the hum of some-crazy-body's air conditioning running. COMPLETELY unnecessary on a night like this.

Don't get me wrong! I really like coming home to a quiet home, deserted but for my beloved Marie, who sits in my open window grooming herself, as we speak. But it can make for a lonesome heart.

There was a time when I answered my complaint of "I just want someone special! To cook for, to clean for, to love on." with "Well, that's a sure sign, isn't it? You need to make a friend, serve a family in the church, get involved, LOVE ON some people there." But I don't think it's that simple because it's not that kind of desire. It's not simply that I want to give myself to random people who I may or may not ever see again, though there is a time for that too. It's a desire for one soul to invest in... one soul that receives it (and we all know *I* am very poor at this....) and reciprocates and will join me in the quiet peace of a home (the experience can't be captured in a common social meeting) where love is spoken with or without words. I KNOW it can be. And to go completely off blaring my own horn, I think I could share that kind of love with someone. Sometimes I get to thinking I have a lot to give... this deep chasm filled with homeless love... which is no good because then I get discouraged over having no one to give it all to.

But then someone will say, "Well, shoot! Give ME a shot!" And... well, that's not that simple either. There are a scarce few I can trust easily, and without trust, there can be no love. Or so they say. Or they say it like "There is no fear in love," and an inability to trust is kind of like fear. I've seen trust built, against my will, over time... but it's extremely difficult. I invariably sabotage my own game.

Still. We will always have the poor with us. Those needing love. If for no better reason, I should practice on them.

But hope. Where is hope? I don't want to leave you without any. Um... tomorrow's Friday! Also, I bought a new coffee maker because the hand-me-down one I have didn't seem to be able to get hot enough, so I get a brand new pot of coffee in the morning. Unfortunately that doesn't offer YOU any hope, but it makes ME happy! But mostly I would leave you with this: an old friend used to say, "If it were good for me, I would have it." You don't get to know why so many things YOU deem good are beyond your reach, but you can rest assured that you DO have what you need for this season, even if it's strenuous and painful training. Remembering that a loving God won't give you the things you want if they're not what you need (read: to have them would be NOT to have the lack that you DO need) won't fix loneliness, but it just might fix your gaze on something more important.

"Spread love like violence." That was the lyric. A good motto, I think. Much better than "Ohhhh poor me."

"What This World Needs" by Casting Crowns

2011-10-03T18:36:00.001-04:00

"People aren't confused by the gospel

they're confused by us.

Jesus is the only way to God, but we are not the only way to Jesus.

This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, my denomination, or my translation of the Bible. They just need Jesus.

We can be passionate about what we believe, but we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel,

because we are slowing it down.

Jesus is going to save the world,

but maybe the best thing we can do is just get out of the way. "

I really like this. Like, a lot, a lot. Like, I won't usually touch Christian music with a ten foot pole and yet this "bridge" if you will almost makes me cry. I found this when I was trying to find the words online, and thought it'd be good to reference it for an opposing viewpoint. Personally though, I think it's kind of fantastic.

The world is very confused by Christians, I think. By the hypocrisy and the back stabbing and the senseless adherence to tradition. Why is it so hard to put the truths we've heard since our youth into real life? Why is it so hard for so many to trust God or live without being paralyzed by guilt over sin? If we could collectively fix that one thing ALONE and just live in the joy of the freedom that Christ's sacrifice bought us, what a difference it would make. Maybe then we'd actually look different. Certainly we wouldn't be so concerned about the trivialities that make us look like a bunch of three year olds who can't get along with our own siblings....

When will we learn to love? It's not rocket science... it's just good wisdom. Not even the kind that is hidden from the hearts of the unsaved... this is "common grace" kind of wisdom. And when we have so much more reason to love... why don't we? Why are the ones who should be the most grateful acting the most self important?

"It feels like the church isn't anything more than the second coming of the pharisees...." Andrew Peterson

Seasons come, seasons go.

2011-09-30T18:35:00.000-04:00

It's an amazing night, isn't it? It was starting to get muggy inside but then I threw open the windows and back porch door and now it's almost chilly. New seasons. New seasons are good.

The farm is gone. The deed changed hands a few weeks ago. I went up the weekend before to hang out and attempt to help mom and dad clean it up a little and decide which memorabilia I wanted to take away with me: a couple of pictures from the bathroom, Pop Pop's Exacto knife set, Mamoo's dishes that I associate with the holidays we shared at her house, an antique heating pad, some cutlery.... I found out that weekend, too, that another season's also ending - mom and dad are converting Josh's and my old bedrooms into a suite where Amy, my future sister-in-law, will stay for a few months before the wedding. Meaning that, in a way, I won't ever be able to go home again. Not to the room I grew up in.

We need that sometimes, y'know? To be forcibly brought to the end of a season we'd never have ended of our own accord. Like the growing up that occurs when you realize your parents aren't as perfect as you thought and which makes you into a better adult in the process. Like losing a job because you'd never have left your comfort zone if you didn't have to. Like a lover who pushes you away because you couldn't cut ties on a "good" relationship that always left you both unsatisfied.

I get this feeling sometimes. Like I'm on the edge of something big. Personal breakthrough, huge life adjustment... something. I've certainly been thinking better this past week, at any rate. That's been nice. I'd forgotten how good it can feel to have an active, living brain! Let's see if I can remember this time. Let's see if I'll let it carry me through to the next season....

secrets

2011-09-29T18:34:00.000-04:00

I was at the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to this past weekend... and I was only invited to the reception, lol. The best man quoted the poet Rilke - "I would be with those who know secrets... or else alone." That struck so far home with me I was nearly winded. I posted on Facebook, "I would be with those who set my heart and soul on fire... or else alone. For I can tend my own fire if I must, but who can revive a flame once doused?"

You might think I'm talking about Christians versus non-Christians... but you'd be wrong.

I wandered around the grounds of the wedding site half expecting a fairy to flitter out of the brush. It was so beautiful, so magical. There was a peace, a love, a joy in the air that overwhelmed you when you stepped on the property and lingered after you left. It was just GOOD. The whole thing was just so GOOD.

And due to the convictions of those married, none of the proceedings had anything to do with a love for God, or even a belief that He exists. Because they don't.

There are those who have secrets. Who understand freedom. Who have love and joy and peace in abundance. Who revel in their ability to think. People with depth. Who are not shackled by tradition and expectations and hypocrisy and duties and habit. Who have learned how to live. Really LIVE. And I HAVE to believe that some of them might be fellow Christians. There MUST be some out there who can fan my flame rather than watch it grow cold by heaping bonds upon it.

But even if you know secrets, you cannot share them. No one can come to know them who hasn't first found his own way. And to describe them, you sound like a mysticist or else just plain stupid - your listeners would reject, commit, or excommunicate you.

My thoughts are scattered tonight. I just spent less than three hours with one such fellow Christian who can fan the flame - an old friend who can usually only spare a couple hours every couple of months - and I would liken it to the first fresh breath after months of living in dank, undersized confinement, only to be placed back under lock and key when you part ways. My captor? The rain that falls on my embers? "Fellowship." I feel suffocated, starved for fellowship of the other kind. The kind that sets me on fire. The kind that looks for truth in inconvenient places and passionately loves the world and all who live in it. The kind that looks in awe at the expanse of a mountain range and the complexity of a blade of grass, who loves those who worship a God greater than they but call Him by a different name, who pursues wisdom like the very air we breathe.

God, don't make me fight alone forever....

"Well, I NEVER! The NERVE of some people!"

2011-09-05T18:33:00.000-04:00

You won't ever hear me say that, by the way. At least not unless it's in jest. I'll tell you why.

People are rude, in my opinion, for one of three reasons.

1. They're malicious.
2. They're distracted.
3. They're ignorant.

So here's a scenario - you're having a party and invite Joe, Mark, and Steve.

Joe is rude type number one - you asked him for an RSVP and he didn't give you one just so he could crash the party and try to throw your plans off. He was just being malicious. It can't be helped. He's going to be that way, so just don't let it get YOU down.

Mark is rude type number two - he didn't take his shoes off at the door. And you're Japanese and keep a Japanese home, where it is VERY rude not to remove one's shoes. Didn't he notice all the shoes by the door?? Well, no. He didn't notice. He was distracted because he'd had a really rough day and forgot you'd mentioned it to everyone in the invitation. It can't be helped. It wasn't intentional - it was an accident.

Steve is rude type number three - he didn't bring you a present. It's your birthday party for crying out loud. Why didn't he bring a present?? Oh. Someone gave him a verbal invite and didn't mention that it was a birthday party. He didn't know he was supposed to have a gift. It can't be helped. He simply couldn't have known he was being rude until it was too late and when he realized the blunder, he was too embarrassed to say anything and just hoped you wouldn't notice.

So here's what I'm getting at. We human beings get SO worked up over people we label as "rude." We take it so personally when we get cut off in traffic (he's either mean, in a hurry, or didn't see you) or when our neighbor doesn't offer to bring a dish to dinner (she didn't want to be there, she didn't have time to prepare anything, or she thought if you'd needed help with the meal, you'd have asked) or... choose a scenario. And then we go and complain about these people, using grand gesticulations and scoffing and saying "I was SO offended. I couldn't believe she'd DO that to me!" But for what? It can't be helped. It's either intentional and the person WILL be that way whether you approve or not... or it was not intentional and was not meant to be taken personally and you need to grant a little grace. Sometimes it's as simple as the fact that what some people think is rude is nothing at all to others - it's a cultural thing.

And so I am approached with such complaints and I don't know what to say. The person obviously thinks they're in the right, to judge this person for their poor manners. But they're only making themselves miserable... and me too, for having to listen. But they probably don't want to hear that THEY are also being unreasonable and it's likely they don't even want any suggestions or problem solving tactics - they just want to vent. So here's my question: what's a non-rude way of saying the following:

"I really do like you, but I couldn't possibly care less about what you're saying and it's really getting me down. Can't you please just stop talking for two minutes together??"

Think.

2009-09-12T22:41:00.001-04:00

"Are you into philosophy?"
"No... actually, I'm a Christian."

Epic. Fail.

(true story, too. conversation I had with a classmate this week.)

But that's the mentality a lot of people have, isn't it? Many of the fathers of philosophy were not Christians; they neither tested their ideas through the lens of Scripture, nor did they present their ideas from a Christian view. So obviously they've gotta be full of crap and we should STAAAY AWAAAY!

I looked up the word in the online Webster Dictionary. A few highlights?

All learning
Pursuit of wisdom
A search for a general understanding of values and reality
Ethics

We're in Proverbs in the Bible Reading Plan this month and it's made me especially aware of just how much God sincerely wants us to pursue learning, wisdom, and understanding. Over. And over. And over again- Solomon implores the reader to seek these things like great treasures. When did we become so deceived as to think that it would be sufficient to have truth spoon-fed to us with no effort on our parts?

One of the joys (as I was discussing with a friend several weeks ago) of being a Christian philosopher is that you don't have to be afraid to study the great works in the field. These men, God fearing or not, were looking for truth in life. For wisdom. And you do have to wade through some things you won't agree with (since when has that ever NOT been true of MOST texts?), but if it's truth, it will always be true, no matter how it's arrived at. So you're reading along, considering, learning, gaining new facets on ideas you'd held before and all of a sudden the Father of wisdom jumps off the page at you and yells, "SURPRISE!" And you're like, "God, what were You doing in a book written by someone who didn't believe in You?"

And that's just it. That's what I go hunting for. In addition to the simple pleasure of learning, you find these nuggets of truth about God's character in some of the most unlikely places... and they're often the most beautiful.

I've done the spoon-feeding thing. Just sit back, coast, you catch on pretty quickly where the Christianese catch phrases are supposed to go in your conversations so you can use them without even having a good concept of their meaning.... All you've learned is how to cheat the system, which is worse than learning nothing at all. But
God's a big guy; He can hold His own in an argument. Try Him, question the things you once thoughtlessly agreed to believe - I do so on a regular basis and He never disappoints. You never know where a little brain power will take you....

"Honey from the comb is sweet to your taste; know that wisdom is thus for your soul." Pr. 24

sour notes

2009-08-30T14:36:00.000-04:00

When someone teaches you to sing, there are a lot of things to keep in mind. Sit up straight. Allow air to fill your diaphragm. Support the sound. Drop your jaw. Don't spread the sides of your mouth when you sing "meee." But like all training, when it's not explained properly, attempts to follow good advice can still produce bad results.

Like that whole diaphragm thing. What do they MEAN by that anyway? If you've never had it explained, it means nothing to you. "Sing louder!" they say. Simple enough, if you want us to lose our voices over the next hour or two. Even the concept of matching your sound with the rest of the group can be problematic.

For example. (I'm gonna try and bring you to my point, I swear) When I sing along with Wicked, if I match their vocal quality, which of course has been painted over with the personality of the character the singers are playing, I necessarily put strain on my voice because that's not the way I sound when I sing naturally. It's also nearly impossible not to sing loudly when you're singing songs from Wicked, and I'm not loud when I sing naturally. Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenowith are FABULOUS singers. I want to be a fabulous singer. Why can't I sing like them? Well, actually, I CAN, but not for very long. My voice gives out. Somewhere in the process of matching style and volume, the music moves from the comfortable places in my mouth and throat to very uncomfortable places.

So am I a bad singer? No, I'm not. Could I ever play the part of Elphaba? It might be that I never could. Not because I can't sing but because that character needs to be sung by someone with a voice that sounds different from mine.

Here's my point. There are a lot of things I wish I could do. Singing like Idina Menzel would be one of them, to be honest. But I also wish I was more confident. I wish I had more defined goals in life. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was quicker to process ideas and conversations. I wish I learned job skills faster. I wish I didn't get so distracted and lazy. I wish I was more motivated. I wish I didn't think about what I wish all the time. I see these things in people I like, people I look up to, people I think are worthy of imitation. And I look at myself and feel like a hopeless wreck that no one will ever want to hire, date, or get beyond the protective walls around my heart... because I fail so miserably at all of these things. They'll see me... and go and find someone else who's got those things in line already.

But I can sing. I have a very nice voice. It goes into uncontrollable spasms when I try to sing solo in any sort of formal setting, and it's not very loud, but it's actually very pretty in its own way. When I try to sing more like Imogen than Idina, I do all right.

I have a mental block when it comes to accepting myself the way I am. As I said not too long ago, "approving" myself. I see all my failures and I feel like I have to make up for them... but all I end up doing is making up a solution that seems to me barely more substantial than plastic wrap - you can see right through it. And the longer I try to keep it up, the hoarser I become. So rather than crack, I claim I've sung enough for one night... and retreat to heal. I push people away, reminding myself I obviously don't have this lesson down yet, so I must hold them at bay again until I've got it.

I see the sort of girl who's caught the eye of the sort of guy I'm looking for... and I'm nothing like her. Can't be like her even when I try. I see the sort of secretary that the bosses like to see in their office... and I'm nothing like her. Can't be like her even when I try. It'd be a brittle shell, a make-up job done by a five year old. But maybe I'm not supposed to be like her. There's no reason not to try to mature and grow into some of those things the right way, but I am what I am now, and I can't do anything about that with short notice... and shelling and making-up only puts off the real work, delaying any real results.

I need to learn to be okay with Jessica, August 30, 2009. Lots of people love her just the way she is; love her voice just the way it is. I'm not good at everything and I can't play every roll or get every guy or do well at every job... but I am good at things in my own way, and I forget that people love me the way I am anyway. And besides that, even when I'm rejected and fired and forgotten, even when all those people judge me with good reason... God picked me when He knew what I'd be like today, 10 years ago, 30 years from now. He thought I was worth saving. I'd do well not to argue with Him.

point of view

2009-08-21T17:22:00.001-04:00

The closer you look at something, the bigger it gets - moving in on a fine print book to read it, holding a mess of wires up to your nose to untangle them, dust on the counter.

So don't look at yourself too closely. You start to appear exponentially bigger than you are.

God really IS that big though - just a quick glance at Him and He'll fill your vision, even if He seems far away... or you think you've pushed Him far away. Remember, even if He could be moved, your arm span is inconsequential compared to His size.

When you love you know you've got to thank the Lord

2009-08-20T06:02:00.000-04:00

There's a kind of love you can have for a person where they just... simply... make you happy. (It works for friend love as well as romantic love, by the way.) The kind of love where, when you get the chance to laugh with them over something completely inconsequential, it makes your day for like three days. Where you just *click* and you occasionally find yourself quietly dreading the day where it might be that they're no longer in your life. Where you feel like you're home wherever you are as long as they're with you.

Love like that isn't easy to come by, but I've been lucky enough to find it in a few people in my life... and the joy I experience when I get to interact with those people cannot by matched by much.

So especially when it's a co-ed relationship, I'm plagued by repeated warnings of, "Don't let your feelings become an idol!!" to the point that I fear to relish any relationships. How ridiculous! I've been given this rare, spectacular gift and I run away from it. So the last time I had one of these moments, I told myself just to enjoy it.

You know what happened? Far from being idolatrously consumed with the relationship that I so delight in, my attention was riveted back to the God who allowed it. The degree of joy, pleasure, satisfaction, what-have-you that I was feeling, rather than being self-contained and inward-focused, took my hand in a silly dance and sang, "This is the kind of love God has for you!" And as another shock, this thought brought not shame over my failings in that Relationship, but another wave of happiness. "It's true!" I'd forgotten what it looked like, so He gave me a reflection of His love that has skin on... and I remembered.

And then, what's left to do but rejoice?

I will sing.

2009-08-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

It was a new building to me. I'd never before visited this location and timidly opened the doors to step inside.

The group of individuals in a recessed and walled area of the foyer that I took (at first glance) to be a group of quiet musicians turned out only to be a number of students working in what has to be the most unusual computer lab I've ever seen. But I wasn't looking for a computer... or a musician, for that matter.

Across from the recess was a pair of doors that lead into what I (rightly) took to be a small auditorium that somehow reminded me of the school where my family attended church for many years. I couldn't tell at first if I had the right room, however - the material written on the board at the front of the room was related but not necessarily what I wanted, so I backed out to wander for a few more minutes before giving it another shot.

A young, attractive woman was on the stage with a white board containing the name "Mrs. Ginny Hall" and some very basic music theory, a podium, and 20-something chairs arranged in two rows of semi-circles. Upon closer inspection, I could make out the text "Chorus" at the top of the board. So this wasn't Music Appreciation.

I had the right room.

I'm just not used to having an attractive Chorus teacher. They're usually old and pudgy....

As her students straggled into the auditorium, Ginny welcomed us warmly and invited us to sit on the stage with her. I think I will always have a twinge of pride whenever I step onto a stage. You have to take the secret side door and go up the steps - the door that's always closed and the steps that are forbidden territory for anyone who can only consider himself "a member of the audience." But not I. I have been given permission. I can walk up the stairs and take my place on the stage with no fears that anyone will call me out.

Five sopranos, five altos, and 3 guys were present for tonight's first meeting and we're expecting a few more to appear next week. I was a soprano for about five minutes before one of the altos complained of not having a sufficiently deep range and I was bumped. Maybe next week will bring new altos and I'll get to move again....

It's a skilled group of students - folks who want to go on to major in voice and music and theater and the like. People who are there because they WANT to be there. People who have been singing in choirs for years. People who have my same need to sing with a group - to fill the space with complex combinations of notes that fit together like puzzle pieces and create sounds that dance in the air, the heart, the mind, in ways that cannot be achieved with one voice alone.

It's going to be a great semester. You're invited to the Christmas concert, of course.

I have my approval

2009-08-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

It seems to me that we're all aware, to some degree or another, that it's not good to go through life expecting and feeding off of the approval of others.

Granted, if you REALLY never cared what anyone else thought, growth and maturity would be difficult. If no one ever told me, for example, that my stick figures didn't look much like the people they were fashioned for, I might go on drawing them as I always had.

But at the same time, there is a certain value in simply doing things we love to do, and doing them well, and being pleased with the end result... the last of which is impossible if we only value our works for the judgments others give them. Why should I withhold satisfaction with my work just because I didn't get any applause?

What if I went to the gym, enrolled in a spinning class, worked my butt off, and left positively dripping from the exertion? If a seasoned biker had seen me, they might have had all sorts of pointers and directions and advice to right the things I hadn't done perfectly. And if a friend had seen me, she might have praised me for enrolling at all. But what if I simply went, got a good workout, and was proud of myself for trying something new, regardless of what anyone else thought about it?

What if I designed a website that served more as a place for me to store my online stuff than an entertaining, interactive website, and in the end was not good for a whole lot except that I'd been positively thrilled to play around with HTML and actually get a working product as a result? It might not be worth much to anyone but me, but I can give it my approval - it was something I did because I enjoyed doing it and it made my mind engage, and I am proud of the way it looks.

And in the end, my approval doesn't really matter either. It too is a means to an end of being content with myself in ways that are more directly developed by placing more value on God's view of things. In this case, I think that means that He created me with certain abilities, certain talents, and a mind that enjoys engaging in one thing over another... and so I should do them. I used to think that He made us to love doing one thing or another solely so that we could bring those talents to the table of the community of believers, making a well-rounded picture... but when I consider what (little) I've learned about His character, I think He values our OWN delight in doing things that we love, too. Do you ever sing when you're alone and enjoy it because you have musical talent? Do you ever act your heart out in front of the mirror, just because it makes you happy to wax theatrical? And when we acknowledge the fact that we have those talents at all, OR the ability to enjoy them, AND even sometimes the ability to share them, all because they are gracious gifts of God, that's when we come full circle and see the intent God had for placing passions in our hearts.

...

Maybe. ^_^

Lion King

2009-08-02T18:26:00.000-04:00

"You have forgotten me."
"No! How could I?"
"You have forgotten who you are, and so, forgotten me. You are more than what you have become."

I don't know about you, but I haven't seen this movie in a long time, and when I think about it, the first thing that comes to mind is "SEX" written in a bunch of flying flowers.

So as I've been spending hours and hours trying to get music onto my iPod this afternoon (don't ask. suffice it to say that I have an incredible amount of patience and really ornery machinery.), I wanted some movies going on in the background and since I had not yet watched the VHS copy of Lion King that Joy gave me a while back, I thought it would be a good time. It really hit me afresh how much parallelism there is between that movie and the Christian redemption story. And then the aforementioned scene where Simba is speaking, praying, whatever, to his "heavenly father," really stood out.

No, I don't forget God. How could I? His fingerprints are everywhere, constantly reminding me of His magnitude and (for lack of a better, non-Christianese word) glory. I think about Him a lot. I pray frequently throughout the day. He (and related subjects) enter my thoughts regularly. But I don't always act like I am who He says I am. I don't always treat others in ways that reflect the way I know He feels about them. Remembering Him involves acknowledging the truths He's declared about who I am and applying the truths I know about who He is to how I view my world.

Deep stuff for a Disney flick. But I thought it was a good refresher.

recycled questions - new subject same story

2009-07-20T22:41:00.000-04:00

I don't read minds. Few people do, you know. Yet all too many people will get their feelings hurt or worse because their expectations of how they should be treated or reacted to were not met.

"You didn't apologize when I accused you. You didn't send me a thank you note. Well, obviously I didn't mean that - how stupid are you? Here, let me flog you for your imperfections."

Who are you kidding? What satisfaction is there in an apology that is required? In appreciation that is expected? And of course you're going to be disappointed if you expect everyone to understand you all the time.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged. Vengeance is Mine."

Because see, then I get *my* feelings hurt because I don't feel like *I* was treated with any respect. That my mistakes, real or perceived, innocent or grievous, ought to be forgivable. I judge the other's judgment. I want to say, "You're setting yourself up for disappointment! Save yourself the agony and loosen up. No one is going to live up to those expectations." But then where is MY forgiveness?

My only question is: are we dealing with "seeing clearly to remove the speck," or is it "pearls before swine"? In other words, is it worth saying anything at all when you're pretty sure the person isn't a believer? Why would a non-believer care? But if you're not positive... or if they could be won by having wisdom spoken.... And in either case, at what point, if ever, are you supposed to defend yourself? Or do you just let the person judge you, let them think what they want, hate you because you gave them no reason to think that the lies they believed about you weren't true for the sake of keeping peace/saving face?

Why do I find this such a difficult lesson to learn?

fear n stuff

2009-07-10T23:03:00.000-04:00

So I was thinking about that incident with the door slamming ghost at work....

It is very challenging to frighten a person who holds little value to anything you can take from them.

If there is nothing that you hold dear, then you have nothing to lose. There is no anger, because you don't hold your reputation or rights in high value. There is no disappointment either, because you're not hoping for something so hard that you would be put out not to receive it.

Which sounds fabulous, except that you then have no fear. Without any fear at all, it is all too easy to forget to need God. And what for, right? If you don't hold great value to your job, your relationships, your home, your health, your life... if He took them all away, what have you lost? Nothing that you cared about. You didn't need Him when you had them, but since you've lost nothing, you don't need Him now.

"Of course we need God. We need Him for breath!" Indeed. But if you'd just as soon not have a next breath as to have it, that's not saying a whole lot. "Of course we need God. We need Him for love!" True enough. But we've already established that there's nothing that you love or to which you hold great value. And even those things that you do love, you hold them in such a way that you could release them at any moment because things like that always end up disappearing on you. "Of course we need God. We need Him for hope!" Hope for a future beyond this life, certainly. But what is that, other than a hope that this life will end in short order? "No! A hope for this life!" Well, I don't have an answer for that one, but I personally don't know this hope that you speak of.

So now you're thinking, "If she doesn't turn this post around soon, somebody had better cart her off to the psych ward." Okay, okay. I'll do what I can.

I've been spending my days in a place where I carve my heart out myself. Any longings are met with, "Now, stop that. Clear your mind, dwell not on such things, and rest in the peace of God." Which is great, except for the void it builds. Feeding longing with feigned peace leaves one with a chasm that threatens always to cave in on itself. Actually, I'd go so far as to suggest that peace has to be cultivated; you can't decide to be at peace. Peace can't be forced. Not really.

But when you face the decision to tell yourself to pull up your bootstraps and cinch in your emotional belt another three notches so that you can no longer breathe but at least once you pass out you can't feel the hurt either... you could decide instead to remember that, whether you have hope for anything or not, whether you have passion for anything or not, whether you fear anything or not, no matter your circumstances, God is still beautiful. His goodness operates independent of your worldview, thankyouverymuch. And instead of pretending to be at peace with your pain and going for a permanent dip in denial of all the good and bad that makes you who you are, you can think about Him. Not around or under or from behind glass walls, but really looking Him in the face and remembering His personality, His character, the things that shocked you and made you smile when you first learned them.

What was so surprising to me as I was exploring this idea was that it actually really worked. o_O I wasn't left with that old nagging feeling that I'm just finding a way to distract myself... it was more like I'd actually found the right answer. It was satisfying in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

I still don't know what to pray about. I mean, other than the obvious, "I feel like something's wrong. Fix me!" But I'll keep the conversation going....

more thoughts on MJ

2009-06-29T21:31:00.000-04:00

Do you ever go on YouTube looking for something... and get completely sucked in? Yyyyyyeah. Happened to me this evening. I think I did actually start out looking for something about Michael Jackson... but it turned in to a multiple-hour long venture.

I remember hearing about the trial. I remember what the accusations were. I remember thinking he was a little weird. But like I said a few days ago, I wasn't a "fan." I didn't listen to his music and I'd never looked up any interviews or anything like that. I didn't even read the news... literally all I had was word of mouth.

So tonight I watched interviews. I saw his statement. I watched the special that somebody did on his life at one point. I heard what he had to say about passion and love and music and dance and making a positive impact on the world. He's known for spending time with kids... but do you know how much time he spent in hospitals simply helping and encouraging sick children? In a world where adults are obnoxious and overwhelming and accusatory of the famous, I'd want to spend my time with people who aren't as high maintenance, too! So not that it matters... but I believe him. I think he was tragically misunderstood. Maybe what he did was foolish sometimes, but that doesn't imply anything about his intentions. That sort of thing happens to me... all too often. I'm constantly doing and saying stuff that I only realize afterward how awful it sounds or comes across.

But he loved music. I mean, granted, this is assuming I believe what he said... maybe I'm a sucker, but I do, so we're gonna roll with it. Some people just come across as full of bs... I dunno, he seemed too honest to me for it all to be an act. The way he talked about how he loved to dance and how he wasn't even nervous but just excited to do shows that made people happy and how it gave him such joy to see people imitating him because it showed that he gave them joy too. It makes me sad, knowing how many people who choose to assume the worst about him. In the end, regardless of his intentions, they miss out on the message he was at least verbalizing - that whatever your passion is, it's a great thing to be shared and enjoyed wholeheartedly. Especially if it's music, since it translates universally.

Here's my point: he was a musical artist. He knew what he loved and he did it. Yeah, he got paid a buttload of money for it... but who's to say that's not solely because he lacked the fear to TRY that most of us have?

Do you know what you love? Are you doing it? Are you reaping the benefits of seeing other people take joy in the talents that you have?

I'm kinda feeling inspired. needz 2 git off compootr.

Self-Control

2009-06-28T20:53:00.000-04:00

I think the name is misleading. To say someone needs to practice self-control in a situation with a disgruntled individual would easily be interpreted as, "Act like you're not mad." Or "Act like you're not constantly thinking about sweets." Or "Act like you really care about that person."

What does that accomplish but a reinforced facade?

Okay, sure, when it comes to treating other people with respect, sometimes a facade is what will serve them best. But the same Person who told us that "self-control" was a "fruit of the Spirit" was constantly emphasizing that it is our motivations that matter in what we do, and not so much the actions that we take.

This idea just came to me this evening as I was driving. I don't practice road rage - honking my horn, cutting people off, flipping the finger. But I do feel it inside sometimes. I think it's good not to act on those feelings... it's a good start... but it's not a satisfying finish, y'know?

So what to do? It's so much more complicated than "Don't act this way." It's not enough to act self-controlled... I don't think that's the point. You have to be prepared to love. You have to actually not idolize food. You have to already be anxious to forgive the people who treat you thoughtlessly while on the road.

"You may ask, 'How did this tradition get started?' I'll tell you! ......I don't know. But it's a tradition! And because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do."

I really enjoy Fiddler on the Roof. And contrary to what my dear friend Willy will protest, the movie is just almost exactly the same as the show, so I like both the play and the film. But it's startling to think about how much of that theme of tradition runs just as strongly through Christianity as it does through Judaism. Why do you say it's wrong to play pool? Card games? Have wine at dinner? Wear shorts? Wear jeans to church? There is nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves. Granted, there are always exceptions, like for the sake of the weaker brother, jeans are not appropriate in some churches. And why? Because they are wrapped up in tradition. "Church" is not the people of God but a formal event.

I bring that up to emphasize the fact that, in this sense, Christianity is not easy. You can't hop on for the ride and check your brain at the door. You have to be engaged. You have to think. Your mind has to be involved in order to say "God loves that person" instead of sitting pissed off in your car because they kept you from making it through the light.

coffee and quiet

2009-05-30T19:15:00.000-04:00

Like most people, I think, I go through phases of consistency with my quiet time. Three weeks on, then less consistent, then a week of lack, then back again. The last few months it's been directly related to my work schedule - when I have a full hour break in the morning, I go get coffee and have devotions. If I don't have that time, it doesn't happen.

That seemed sad to me, so I set the alarm back a bit after I got back from Next so I'd have time to get out the door and walk over to the Starbucks next to The Spa for some time before going in to work.

Yesterday I got a grande caffe mocha and took it outside. It had rained not too long before, so the tables outside were too wet to sit upon and I didn't want to go down to the river because it would be that much farther that I'd have to walk back = time lost. So I sat on the sizeable cement guardrail of the bridge that crosses the Reedy on Main Street.

I wasn't there long. I just had my Bible, my two bags, and my coffee. Just drinking and reading. Suddenly I'm aware that there's an individual nearby, and he appears to be addressing me. Fortunately I wasn't startled... that could have been deadly! He was a kindly gentleman working with the local waste management. And he wanted to commend me for what I was doing - that you don't see many people my age reading their Bibles. He said he's a Jehovah's Witness and that he's brought his kids up reading the Bible too. Then he bid me well and went back to work.

Now, I just like nature. I'd rather read outside than inside. I wasn't like, "Ooo, look at me, holier than thou, reading the Holy Word of God." Or at least I wasn't trying to be. I certainly wasn't trying to attract any attention. But this guy, driving down the street in a dump truck, saw me and recognized what I was doing and took the time to encourage me.

Here's my point: People see you. People are watching when you least expect it. What are you telling them?

Ask and Receive

2009-05-29T23:22:00.001-04:00

Went to care group tonight. I wasn't really looking forward to it because I'd had such a weird experience at Next, and I knew all we'd be talking about was the conference. It turned out to be much more enjoyable than I expected and I actually felt confirmation that my experience was actually good... just different.

Three girls in the group shared essentially identical stories about personal encounters they'd had with God at the conference - each having dealt long and hard with serious physical ailments of one type or another. They felt distinctly that He was calling them to pray for healing, and all three responded in like manner with defiance. And at first you think, good grief woman, it's just prayer. But it's a prayer they've prayed over and over for a long time, with differing degrees of faith or doubt that He will have the grace to free their bodies from the malady, always to be sent away with good things... none of them being the healing they'd asked for. This is not a simple request but an issue of "I don't want to put forth the kind of faith in You to grant my request that it will take just to ask, only to be disappointed again." His response? "This is a pride issue, this resistance to obedience. I may never heal you, but I've asked you to pray. I want you to trust that my desire is to bless you."

This is something I've struggled with as well. Not physically - God has blessed me with really a rather remarkable body. No allergies, diabetes, asthma, etc. Nothing was malformed from birth. No serious damage since birth. All five senses are in working order. My facial features are at least tolerable. My voice isn't unpleasant to listen to. I'm not unusually short or tall, skinny or fat. No chronic pain. No skin disorders or even unusually bad acne. No cancer. I'm very regular. Basically, to my knowledge, everything works the way it's supposed to. I'm finding more and more that that's really rare. If it weren't for that, I'd feel awfully unimpressive for all my normalness. Even my brain is significantly more functional than that of many people in the world. But we all find something to complain about, I guess. Yet we don't want to pray about it:

God's given me so much already. I don't really need this.
I've asked for this before, and He said no.
He knows everything; He knows I want this. Why bring it up?
I've quieted my heart to this; praying for it will only stir discontent in my heart.

This morning, I read Mark 11: 24: "Therefore, I tell you, all the things you pray and ask for - believe that you have received them, and you will have them." So you read that and you think back to Sunday school where they tell you, "Now, you can't read this and think that just because you pray for a red Camaro that God will give it to you," write it off and keep reading.

But something I've had going in the back of my mind... nothing like a word from the Lord, "YOU MUST PRAY FOR THIS NOW, JESSICA," but just musings, half assuming that it's just cuz it's stuff I want and I just selfishly want to ask for it...: it's still communion with God. It's still taking the time to spend time and improve the relationship through conversation. Coming to Him to have your needs and desires met. It's become increasingly difficult as I've gotten older to admit to God or myself that I have desires... in fact, I spend my days trying to forget about them for various reasons. But it's an act of faith. It forces you to exercise trust and gives you the opportunity to see Him work in a personal way.

It was already on my heart. Then three testimonies. Quiet time. Oh, and you know the name of the company I started working for on Wednesday? Take a look at the title of the post and you'll see it. Maybe this IS my word from the Lord. It's just... I have a hard time praying sincerely for stuff I know I don't NEED. (which... really, is everything ever, since I'm already saved) I don't want to put my heart in a potentially dangerous place. And quite frankly, I'm not a big fan of hope when it comes to stuff like this.

Who knows, maybe what I need is to be in a place where I'm waiting for an answer so that God can tell me "No" and I'll actually HEAR it. Then at least I'll have that answer and can move on.

What do you want to do?

2009-04-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

I don't know.

My brain feels like it's composed of frightened butterflies. A million things, a million thoughts, none of them stopping long enough to land. I write... and reread... and literally cannot decide whether what I've written is coherent or not. Those two long posts I wrote yesterday? Might be complete bs and I wouldn't know it. Please tell me, will you?

Today was Easter Sunday. You're supposed to dress up for Easter Sunday. Someone said that once, and I couldn't shake the idea this morning. I ended up making a mess of my closet, trying on so many different outfits, all the while thinking, "What a horrible waste. I want to go to CCR, get my coffee, and have quiet time. It's Easter. I want to take time to remember why it's a holiday. And here I am worrying about what I'm wearing." In the end, I finally decided on something that may or may not have actually gone together, but was black and dark purple... not exactly Easter-y. I got to CCR and it was closed for the holiday, so I had to backtrack and get my drink at Starbucks. By the time I sat down, I had only half an hour... and to my horror, never could find wonder at the miracle of a God who died to save me.

Wait, what?

It was as though I was a small person standing at a magnificent fortress of stone. I didn't have to tear the whole thing down... I just had to find a gap. A hole big enough to crawl through. Even a peep hole would have held me over... just enough to look inside. But all my clawing did was to scrape off a few little bits of moss that had begun to grow on the surface of the wall.

I've been amazed by God's grace before, but I don't know that I've ever once really tried to conjure it up - consciously and without the aid of music or a sermon, decide to look and be awed. Or if I have, never sincerely enough to get discouraged by my inability. Until today. Today I walked into church feeling like a woman coming home to her husband on their anniversary, unable even to fake an appreciation for the significance of the day.

I ran away to Paris Mountain afterwards. It didn't surprise me that I was unable to do any thinking, but I convinced myself that it would be "good for my soul" to get outside. Or at least for my heart muscle. The prayers that I offered all felt like unfinished sentences, interrupted by more unfinished sentences, interrupted by silence and the heavy breathing that accompanies the exertion required to climb a mountain.

After the walk, I didn't even bother with the unsettledness that had been plaguing me all day. My afternoon was filled with grocery shopping, laundry, putting new sheets on the bed, looking for job opportunities, a few games of Spider Solitaire while watching Good Will Hunting, hence the blog title, and being mildly irritated that I can keep neither my internet nor my mouse connected. I didn't even want to watch a movie, but it seemed like it might distract me enough to get something done. Not that there's anything I want to do, but I feel less guilty when I can tell myself I'm getting something done. Then I pulled up a "New Weblog Entry" and started typing.

It's occurred to me, as I've been composing this text, that it's okay.

It's not the end of my relationship with God just because my brain is dysfunctional. He's forgiven me in the past for not even bothering to TRY to appreciate for myself this celebration... I'm actually improving, in that sense. Maybe. But I think His love superseded my nonchalance: when I walked in the door, I don't think He looked at my blank expression, turned around in a huff, and angrily put away the beautiful dinner He'd prepared in honor of the day. In the midst of my scattered brain and tears and shame, I'm pretty sure we still ate together. I kind of picked at my food and was generally a mess of distraction, but we ate together.

He is risen. And to this day, He is yet living... AND active. He is good.

One day at a time.

2009-04-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday, Matt (church pastor) surprised me twice. I'm in the new members class (>_<) and we talked about theology last week. He said we are all theologians. That we're all supposed to be searching the Scriptures and learning about God's character. Learning more from Scripture itself than we do from music, from theological books, from Sunday morning teaching... God's Word is our most important source for learning about Him.

Now, did I know that already? Sure. I went to Bible college, for crying out loud. Of course I knew that I'm supposed to be a practicing theologian. But... I guess it makes me feel like a rebel. Questioning everything, looking at things from a different or unintended (but not invalid) view than was preached, trying to make more sense of things than I'm getting by sitting in the pew. Won't I get in trouble for that? For not just accepting what I hear and ignoring the stuff that doesn't jive? No... actually, I won't. At least not with anyone who really matters.

Then I went into church and he closed the sermon by saying that we're going to start reading through the Bible together as a church, using a standardized Bible reading plan. We're starting in the middle of April, rather than January 1. Well, okay, the OCD in me is slightly bothered by that, but I'll get over it. Then he says, out loud, from the pulpit, that if you miss a day, two days, a week, don't sweat it. Do not feel like you have to read two, three, eight times as much the next day. Just start with the next day. Sure, if you have time and want to, please, go ahead and read what you missed. But if not, it'll still be there next year; the canon is pretty much fixed by this point.

Again, I know that. If you miss a day and give up because you get overwhelmed by guilt and a feeling of trying to catch up, you've really missed out on an opportunity to accept forgiveness for your mistake and grow in perseverance by just pressing on. But... did he just say that out loud? Like, in front of the whole congregation? Just... let it slide?? How helpful. How freeing! I know it's true, and I've been learning to do it, but it still always feels like I'm cheating to give myself that freedom just to pass it over and enjoy the gift of a new chance (no strings attached) the next day.

We all wanna be legalists. Let's be radical and forgive ourselves.

impossible without the journey

2009-04-11T19:50:00.000-04:00

If a fat person tells you a certain diet works, you might possibly be disinclined to believe him. But if you've known this person for the years that he's been on this diet and seen his battle with depression and compulsive eating disorders... seen the weight that he did indeed lose, only to gain some of it back because he did not practice the self-control necessary to follow the diet perfectly... you might take his word a little differently.

The truth is still true, even if it's not immediately evidenced in the person telling it.

I'll tell you in a second that water is good for you. That you need it. That drinking more water will make you feel better, sleep better, eat better, the whole deal. Good stuff. But I don't feel great, sleep all that well, or eat as sensibly as I should. Does that mean that water's not good for you? Of course not. It just means that I'm not taking full advantage of its benefits; I myself am not drinking enough water.

Think about this, too: you won't suddenly get healthy by drinking 8 cups of water today. In fact, it might keep you UP (and running to the bathroom) rather than helping you sleep. And you won't lose much weight if you follow that guy's diet for only a day or even a week. Getting a massage might feel really good right now, but the benefits are more pronounced and last longer when you're faithfully going once or twice a month. In fact, a good massage might not feel all that great, if it's been a long time since you've relaxed.

Here's my point: It's good to be a Christian. Proverbs 9:10 - when you know God, everything else makes more sense. (my paraphrase... but is that not what it's saying?) Follow His commands because all of them were set up so that life would be better for following them, either by avoiding problems altogether or by having the wisdom to deal with the problems that come with a sinful world. If you spend time reading Scripture and studying the character of God and communing with Him, if you cultivate relationships* with people who remind you of God (in their words and/or character) and draw your attention back to Him, if you have the humility to persevere and keep "fighting the good fight" when you're not seeing any results, you WILL see results. You might not see them today. Prayer is not an instant cure-all. Not everyone gets 180 degree turnaround salvation stories and miraculous healings from illness or sin. Many times the end result would be impossible without the journey. But there will be an end. And if I know anything at all, I know that it will be an end worth fighting for.

Following Christ actively is like drinking water. You can live for a long time without it, filling yourself instead with soda and coffee and beer, but you won't be healthy. You'll feel crappy. And if I find out that you're abstaining from the most necessary thing in life, I'd be guilty of neglect and essential hatred not to tell you about the alternative. You might not even know what you're missing, but you'd see it real quick if you tried it. And maybe it'll get old after a while. Maybe you won't feel like drinking any water one day, and then the next, for the next few weeks, months, years. But hey, water's cheap, and God's forgiveness is offered at no cost to us. You just have to drink. A little at a time. By all means, don't proclaim that you're going to drink a gallon on the first day and give up because you never poured the first glass. You know the truth, and it will still be true tomorrow. Just pick it up again and keep going.

I will tell you these things. I will continue to be convinced of them until I'm blue in the face and you've long since stopped listening. Because I know it's true. I've seen it. Am I full of joy? Am I seeing an abundance of fruit in my life? Am I holier than thou? No. No, I'm not any of those things. But keep in mind, I am weak, half-hearted, and self-absorbed, too. I'm a compulsive eater of the HFCS laden junk food that the world offers to souls hungry for the Bread of Life. I myself am not doing all I need to do in order to take full advantage of the benefits of fighting to walk as a Christian. Still, I've seen it work; I've experienced it firsthand, and I know it to be true. I am better off, even on my bad days, for the God-centered relationships that I have, for the dependence I've cultivated on prayer, for the days I go to church when I really don't want to. So by sharing what I know, I'm reminding myself of what I'm prone to forget, too.

Should I wait until I've got it all down before I tell you what I know to be true? By no means. It might be difficult for you to hear me out, but there are no perfect counselors. The people who know best what they're talking about might well be the ones who are still fighting to make it real in their own lives. They're IN it. What they've learned is fresh. "I've been there. Let me tell you what works for me. Now, I don't always remember to do this myself, but it always works when I do...."

* This is easily done in a good church where you have lots of peers that you can build relationships with. However, let me be quick to argue that I don't think a formal meeting place and time are needed in order not to "forsake meeting together with believers." The problem is only when you forego that input altogether - if you don't have fellow believers driving you to Christ, you're in for a rough journey.

"Don't go! I NEED you!"

2009-04-04T20:28:00.000-04:00

[AKA: bunny trail soapbox]

Aw, so romantic. To have the man or woman of your dreams confess that they don't just like you, want you, or love you, they NEED you. You are their sunshine, their only sunshine!

Yeah, it sounds good... but did it ever nag at you?

That whole, "The only thing we need is God!" problem. Also, what about when I start failing to meet that need?

And take God, for example. He loves me, right? But if anyone ever did NOT need me, it would be God. He loves me. He wants me. He pursues me. But He doesn't need me. And in human circles, this idea of being wanted (not "needed") carries with it a feeling that since I'm not kept around due to the fact that I can meet a need... indeed, I can never fully meet anyone's needs... but because I'm liked for who I am, there's less chance of getting abandoned. I'm not going to epic fail and disappoint and crush the other person if I don't measure up. I kinda like it. It's not as romantic, or exciting, or fuzzy, but I kinda like it.

Sometimes it seems like Christianity makes a big deal of deromanticizing life... tearing down the dreams and crushing the flowers and biting the bullets "for the sake of the glory of God and a more Godly future"... but maybe all the things that we view as romantical have sin at the root anyway.

So... needs? We like feeling needed. We like it even though we know it's wrong. You can make an idol (care more about it than you do about loving God) out of being needed. You can make an idol out of serving - again, because it makes you feel needed. Or out of the fuzzy feeling you get when you know you've served "selflessly." Except it wasn't selfless because you were doing it for the feelings you get out of it.

But wait... isn't that what we were told to do? When you tell someone you're depressed and they tell you to go serve in the church, get your mind off of yourself by thinking about someone else's problems, invest in someone else's life and you will reap the rewards of joy... isn't that just asking for it?? Translation: act lovingly and you will learn to actually love. Choose to act lovingly for a while and you will learn to act out of love more naturally and easily. Choose to love as a means to learning how to love better, more selflessly. "Just do it; the feelings and desire to keep doing it will come later." Isn't that how habits are formed?

Indeed. But is that a good habit to form? Really? The reason we make idols out of serving is because... an idol is what it always was. We went into it thinking, "I'll cheer up" or "I'll meet new people" or "I'll satisfy this craving to feel like I'm doing something that's worth something to someone." It's all about ME and what I need. You're "serving," yes, but yourself, most of all.

Is this just me? Am I rambling to a crowd that figured this breakdown of logic ten years ago? This whole, "You are supposed to serve because God told you so, and you're depressed, so go help somebody for your own benefit" concept that has a total disconnect for me because serving out of love for God and serving for my own gain are incompatible... has no one else ever struggled with this? I mean, okay, sure, it might get you into the serving crowd and get you to where you can actually serve because you enjoy doing it... but do you enjoy doing it for the right reasons? Did you just dig yourself a self-serving hole? It's the same problem I have with having an accountability partner - if my reason for choosing not to sin is merely because I don't want to have to tell someone about it later, I might eventually beat the sin in question... but aren't I cultivating fear of man in the meantime?

And at the end of the day, I think back on all the serving that I did and it seems discolored. I might have gotten a lot out of it, and "I couldn't do it without God's strength," but did I really do it for Him?

This should probably have been more than one post, but I have one more thing that kinda ties in: I think I've always thought of the greatest commandment as two separate entities. You love God and you love your neighbor. And I get that you can't love your neighbor without first having a love for God, and I get that if you love God it is only logical that you would love your neighbor, because that's what He does. "Taking care of what He loves, because I love Him." And yeah, the strength to do anything, including and especially love other sinners, can only come from God. Got it. *check* But that logical part... it is what doesn't come naturally. The love for others that comes not as a separate effort apart from loving God but simply because I DO love God. Getting that concept to get from my head to my heart and out my fingers is a long time in coming, at least for me.

tl;dr (BIG time): Maybe it's too much to assume that we're all going to make a smooth transition from "I will choose to serve because it makes me feel good/I want to meet people/I need to feel needed" to "I actually like serving now. So now I will do it as a natural reaction to the fact that I love God!"

2009-03-28T21:54:00.001-04:00

The world, saturated with wet,
glows with dull darkness
in high contrast to the bright greys and golds
of the clouds that hide
the setting sun.

The river crashes loud and drunken
down its familiar path,
swollen sick with gamboge runoff.

The unfallen rain hangs suspended
and invisible in the cool, fresh air,
and the winding pathways are deserted
for fear that it will again materialize
and realize its weight.

But it doesn't.

Instead, one girl stands small
on a precarious bridge across the swirling waters,
singing some Jason Mraz song
and taking in with open arms
this rare appreciation of lonefulness.

[I'm glad I took a walk today.]

not in scripture, maybe....

2009-03-15T14:32:00.000-04:00

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
And love your neighbor as yourself."

And if you hate yourself... well then, love yourself as you love your neighbor.

Because your God, your family, and your friends love you. And think about it - if you love them, a way to show it is to take care of what they love.

Do you hear what I hear?

2009-03-10T18:48:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried to think about how you listen to music? I mean, not when you're trying to analyze something about it or pay attention to a beautiful bridge that a friend wanted to share with you, but just when you're in the car, jammin. What is it that you hear when you're not listening for anything?

Is it like Ratatoille? When you hear a song, do you get dancing colors in your head? Does it read to you like nondescript physical motion? Or do you see in your mind's eye each musician playing each instrument?

I was in late high school or possibly college before I started to have what I would consider to be an appreciation for the complexity of music. I couldn't distinguish instruments audibly... or maybe I could have, but the idea had never occurred to me. And I sang Alto in high school, but it irritated me because the notes were all wrong. Why couldn't I sing the song the way it was supposed to sound, like the Sopranos? It wasn't till I was in choir in college that the harmonies started to make sense to my ear and I began to be able to pick out the lines even without music. The opposing yet complimentary layers of recorded songs I'd known since I knew how to sing at all suddenly popped out at me for the first time.

And then of course, I had friends like Joseph and Patrick and Ashley and Zach and Rubbo and so on and so on who would blast music in the car on the way to Steak 'n Shake at 1AM and go, "Listen! Listen, do you hear that? Oh my gosh, it's beautiful!" And I'd be like, "Yeah!" thinking to myself, hurry up, what is it that they're hearing?? And like the harmonies, I started to hear other things too. The incomprehensibly fast drum beat. The height to which the singer soared but with such ease that you could miss it.

Still, I usually only heard it when I was consciously listening for it. I've always assumed I just had a lazy ear. I just hear music as a unit. That's why alto didn't make sense, why I never heard individual instruments, etc.

I put on Dark Passion Play on my way back from Columbia Sunday evening and found myself picking apart the music. All through the first song, I just tried to hear what was what. Trumpets, violins, electric guitar, full drums, piano, and more. And when you start to listen to one part, this whole new song pops out at you from a song you'd listened to dozens of times already. The song within the song that was written just for that one instrument. By the end of the song, I was composing this post in my head and had gone on to the question of how I hear music. By the way, it's really hard to pay attention to how you do something naturally.

How do I hear music? It's like a blob. No, it's not visible. It's like a sense of movement. No, that's not it either. I hear the music as a single unit and the singer as another unit, even if there are multiple parts making up the vocals. I only hear it split if another singer is "vocalizing" something entirely different or singing a subordinate or duet line. The music, that blob of meshed notes, it reads to me as emotion. More than that, as an experience. It doesn't move but it's a driving force. It doesn't speak but it tells a story. And I don't mean like, "You can hear how the composer is imitating the sound of falling rain." A story composed entirely of feelings. Of life.

This is a test.

2009-03-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

James 1:2&3
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

When I read passages like this, I think of persecution. Roman guards bursting into thatch-roofed homes and dragging off members of the underground churches. Being flogged, stoned, crucified for believing that Christ is the Messiah. That image that's less applicable and more "so far removed from me that it's on the other side of the world and 19 centuries ago." And maybe that is the image that James had in his mind, but I doubt he was referring only to that sort of trial.

Various trials. "I got a ticket on the way home." "I lost my job." "The man of my dreams found the woman of his... and it's not me." "My car won't start." "My sister isn't saved."

The testing of your faith. Your faith that God is still good, still sovereign, knows what He's doing, is doing exactly what's best for you.

Produces endurance. There's nothing you can endure for long that you could not endure for longer or better if you've endured it in the past and learned from it. A man who runs ten miles every day will do better in a marathon than a man who has never run a mile. If you've struggled to understand that "All things work together for the good of those who love Him," endured that frustration, and seen it prove itself true, you have that experience, that endurance, to recall when next a seemingly evil circumstance comes.

Consider it great joy. You have to love wisdom. You have to say, "I hate what has happened... but I love it because this pain is a gift, equipping me for other experiences and future conversations. God cares enough about me to teach me in ways that He knows will communicate to my weak mind." I want wisdom, so if I bear in mind that the unpleasant experiences God brings my way are going to give me that wisdom, are for my good, are for His glory, then they are deserving of a joyful reception.

It's just like exercise. A person who wants to look better and feel better and have more strength and balance will gladly endure the pain to get there. But like any good trainer will tell you,

"You have to want it."

in shambles

2009-02-28T21:27:00.006-05:00

Highway 58 runs roughly parallel to the Virginia/North Carolina state line, 10-12 miles into VA. You're on this highway for something like two hours when you take the trip from my parents' house to the farm. It's just a little two lane highway; and you were stuck trucking along at a pokey 55mph or slower the entire way until just a few years ago when they granted us 60mph for a fair stretch. Along the banks of the road, it's miles and miles of forest, farmland, cotton and corn crops, mom & pop shops, the occasional cluster of gas stations and fast food restaurants, and not a few decrepit houses.

I took this picture near the end of last semester with my manual camera; not as a project but just for myself. I find most old, run down things utterly fascinating. Unfortunately, this one has a NO TRESPASSING sign, so what is you see is as close as I could get. It was foggy and getting dark on one of my trips back to Greenville and I didn't want to spend a lot of time looking for old buildings without warning signs in front.

Do you ever think about buildings like this one? Somebody bought or possibly chopped the wood that composed it. It was created with intent for a purpose, and I guarantee you that it didn't look this way when it was first completed. This one looks like it's just a very large storage shed; I REALLY love the ones that were once homes. I'll never forget the day Z and went walking in the woods near CIU and went inside a tiny house that had long been abandoned. The wooden floor was bowed in with huge gaping holes between the planks, the air inside was musty and damp and stank of mildew, the windows were smashed, doors dangling from the hinges, and the whole thing stood precariously tilted - not nearly at a 90 degree angle with the ground. Yet there were signs of life strewn about inside - books, furniture in various stages of disrepair, pages, clothes, trash. Someone lived there once... now it would fail to protect even a stray cat from the elements.

What sort of life did those people live? In what decade? Where did they go in such a hurry that they left so many belongings behind? What did the house look like when they left? How much of this damage was caused by looters, how much by natural causes?

The house didn't look that way when it was made. It was clean. It stood upright. It smelled of freshly cut wood. Someone prepared meals, read books, slept, and got dressed and ready for the day from inside that home. The sun rose and fell over that tin roof that pinged whenever it rained. The windows were once whole and clean and looked out into a menagerie of secluded forest. Maybe it was never perfect, maybe it was never even made to last... but those who made it didn't make it in the hopes that it would end up looking like this.

There are a lot of things in life that are like that, y'know? You can build a beautiful house, or dream, or relationship, or physique, or spiritual life, but if you do nothing to preserve it and keep it up, it will eventually weather and decay. Everything takes work to maintain, and the less you do to maintain in the day to day, the more you will have to do later to return something to its former state of beauty... and so much the worse if you don't keep out those who come to steal, kill, and destroy.

Then again, it was always my dream, as I drove by all those leaky roofs and shattered windows, to own one of those houses one day. To get the chance not to rebuild it but to take the good that had once been and make it good again.

[I think there is potential for many good, specific implications of this post, but I'll leave it open-ended for you to make them yourself. (that's code for "I don't have a particular one in mind," lol) happy weekend. ^_^ ]

Some things just don't change.

2009-02-28T10:59:00.001-05:00

Without actually counting heads, I'd guess that 2/3 to 3/4 of the group are folks that were still at the Spa when I left. Which is nice - familiarity is a plus, and everybody there was so excited to see me. It felt like coming home. A home where most of the children love each other dearly, but the parents are exasperating.

Reiner and Leah are the only massage therapists that I know. Then you have Chet... and another guy I think, but I haven't met him yet. And they said another guy is supposed to be coming on the team right around the same time I am. Dude. That's a HIGH guy-to-girl ratio, especially in this field. We only ever had Reiner the whole five months I was there before!

Everything seemed just as haphazard as before, just as busy, the same snide, negative remarks about the Spa, the same aches and pains and complaints. The same drama. *shrugs* I was going to keep my eyes open for things to be better, but I wasn't really expecting anything. The new hydro tub that they supposedly purchased last spring was never installed. Neither was the new massage table. I did see a new knee bolster, that was exciting. And they have Tiger Balm in every room for us to use, free of charge.

I missed a call while I was at the gym this morning, taking advantage of the fact that they told me I didn't have to come in till noon. It was the Spa, asking if I could come in early today. How kind of them, to try to give me a chance to make more money. *sigh* Jessica is making a concentrated effort to be positive.

Leah pulled me aside and said, "Nothing has changed. Don't listen to them; you haven't missed a thing." But I've changed. And maybe a different attitude can bring change. I'll keep trying. And I'll keep you posted.

Unemployed.

2009-02-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

It's been good for me. I'd not been spending my money wisely and it left me with no wiggle room when I no longer had a check coming in. I'm hoping that a month is long enough to get me to be more frugal even when the money is available.

It's gotten me to chill a little bit, too. I mean, I've been spending SO much time job hunting online and driving to places to apply, but I've still had plenty of time to sit and watch a movie at night and scan in my photography finals (and edit them!) and work on my cross stitch and do some independent study things and keep house and take three four-day weekends in a row, LOL. I might even have enjoyed some of these things a little!

But I got to thinking as I was climbing Paris Mountain yesterday (good GOSH my butt HURTS!) that I don't know where my heart has been. I mean, I haven't worried. I haven't... worried? I don't care. I'm really scared that God gave me unemployment as a chance to rely on Him, to see a crumbling world around me and trust His goodness in the sight of an unpredictable, terrifying circumstance... and that what I did instead was look Him in the eye with that bland, empty, defiant look (mom knows the one) and ask, "Is that all You got?"

Not okay. Not at all. But see... if I had the chance to do it over... I don't know what I could have done differently. That could be because I'm trusting God, or it could be because I'm so numb that

When I say A, what I mean is B.

2009-02-23T23:24:00.001-05:00

Girls are stupid. Boys, I offer my profound apologies. I've taken this entry to explain the inner workings of this stupid girl's words. I think some of my answers may not be typical, but at least you'll know ME better, right? ^_^ And it's long, so I've included the questions here at the top (with links to my answers) for your previewing pleasure: Does this look okay? I don't care. That's okay. Here, let me pet you. Did you read my latest blog entry? I'm okay. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I just don't feel very well. Will you do me a favor?

A. Does this look okay?
B. This outfit might not be very flattering, but I need a second opinion. Will you please save me from the humiliation of buying/wearing something awful by telling me IT LOOKS AWFUL?
note: I never did get into asking "Does this make me look fat?" I was always too afraid of people thinking I was obsessed about my weight. Also, there's no nice way to answer it in the negative, which wouldn't be very nice of ME. I don't want to hear that I look fat, so I won't ask a question that forces a person to answer me that way. "It looks awful!!" will suffice.

A. I don't care. (what movie we watch or where we eat or etc.)
B. I don't care. I have no preference. I would like you to make a suggestion and I will say "Let's go!" unless I just really think it would be unwise to watch it or I really hate that kind of food. Wait. I don't hate ANY kind of food. -_-

A. That's okay. (in regard to a question about my opinion of a suggestion)
B. I may or may not have had something else in mind specifically, but what you've suggested is fine. (I promise, I won't judge you for not reading my mind. That's just silly.) I may follow this answer with a suggestion of my own. If you don't like my suggestion, or just really would prefer yours, "That's okay." Cross my heart, I will not hold it against you. Again, if I really didn't like the suggestion, I would have said so to begin with... but there are few things that I feel that strongly about.

A. That's okay. (in regard to a perceived offense)
B. When accompanied by a pleasant though puzzled look, it means I'm simply surprised you thought what you did was offensive. An emotionless response means I noticed but was hoping we could let it slide without drawing attention to it. (like, "accidental boob graze!") That may or may not have bothered me in the moment, but it will pass. With a hearty laugh, it means "I'm glad you see the humor in that too!" With a "hhh" and a *shakes head*, it means "I knew that unneeded apology was coming. :) You're silly."

A. That's okay. ... Actually, can we talk about that?
B. If it's ever NOT okay when I say it is, you can rest assured that I'll either get over it later (because even in the moment, I realize it's not a big deal) or that I'll ask about it later when I've formulated my not-okayness into a question that I hope will become a conversation where my concerns are expressed and my misunderstandings adressed. It is my sincere intent, even if I don't always hold to it, not to bring up past offense once it's been okayed. When I do, it's in the context of that "talk about it later" period. This might come across as me trying to gang up on you for something you DID to me at some point, but what I'm really trying to do is figure out what YOU were really getting at, what prompted your words... I'm trying to say that I don't understand you and I want your help in that regard. I believe you didn't mean what I heard... so tell me what you meant.

A. Here, let me pet you. *pet pet pet*
B. I'm giggling because your foul up was funny, but I'm sympathizing because I do that all the time too. Don't be embarrassed. I'll touch you in a non-threatening way to reconnect and reaffirm you and also lighten the mood and change the subject. Also, yes, I'm being silly. But you know you think I'm cute. :3

A. Did you/Will you read my latest blog entry?
B. I'd like feedback! I want to know if it's poorly written or if my logic doesn't hold up or if I make it sound like I am in rebellion. I want to know if you have a different approach that I didn't seem to consider. Am I crazy??? Is that completely disjointed, irrelevent, and otherwise hard to read? Did I just write a load of bs?
B. Also, sometimes I mean that something about it was written regarding you or a conversation we recently had... or are currently having.

A. I'm okay.
B. ... there is no "right answer" for this one. Sorry. I do try to be consistent with my body language though; for example, if I feel pretty lousy but I know I shouldn't complain, it looks and sounds that way every time that that's my answer. So THAT response looks and sounds nothing like a casual "It was a good day. Nothing to report." I try not to say I'm okay if I really don't feel okay at all; or else I make it PAINFULLY obvious that I'm lying... you asked and I didn't want to give you the silent treatment but I want you to forget you asked.

A. I'm sad.
B. I'm feeling really, really, really bad emotionally. Something feels very wrong with Jessica's world.

A. I'm depressed.
B. Clinically. Do you have any drugs?

A. I just don't feel very well.
B. I don't get sick very often. I'll leave the rest to you to figure out. x_x
B. I confess, this can also be my excuse for not wanting to go out in public. In this case, I'd more often use "I'm tired." Maybe I'm feeling anti-social. Maybe the thought of hanging out with you makes me feel unwell. Maybe I was feeling fine until a second ago when you suggested we go something with a bunch of noisy people - now I can barely keep my eyes open. Regardless, you can trust that I'm going home to take some personal time. Whatever other half-truths I might slip into, I WILL NOT use this sort of line as an excuse to go do something with someone else. igh.

A. Will you do me a favor?
B. This is something I legitimately cannot do, at least not without a great deal of difficulty, by myself. Or else it is so obviously easier for you to do that it would be arrogant not to ask. If I need the remote, I stand up and walk towards it, telling you that I need it with just enough time for you to pick it up and hand it to me, to save us the embarrassment of me reaching over you. I would ask for help if you're standing right there and you can reach some item that I'd need to go fetch a stool for. Or if I'm busy doing something at the moment and since you're not busy, would you help? Good gosh man, I cannot stand it when people ask for favors for no reason other than that they're too lazy to get up and do it themselves. Especially when it's a girl with her man. *blood boils*

I guess... it's important to me that my friends not feel like I'm crouching, ready to pounce with something I had been hiding away for hours or months. There's no way of looking at that as being supportive of trust between two people. Maybe my body language and facial expressions aren't always as revealing as I take them for... and this would be unfortunate, because finding the right words at the right moment is a weak point of mine. There really isn't much that "gets to me" though.

So... did you read this blog? Do you know me well enough to go, "Jessica, seriously? You do not come across this way at ALL." Cuz if that's so, I'd rather hear it than be confused later.

Not better. Or wrong. Just different.

2009-02-22T23:12:00.001-05:00

[disclaimer: work in progress. I just hope this is an encouragement to someone... otherwise I'd have kept it private.]

How come there aren't any other kinds of songs? I mean, you have worship songs. And you have a few family/friendship songs. And you have love songs. Lots and LOTS of love songs.

Why doesn't anyone write songs about other things they love? Like reading. Or eating a perfect steak. Or making art. Or teaching. Or helping people get better from illnesses. Or fixing the final glitch in a new invention. Or buying sheuss. (okay, okay, ONE song about sheuss. but it's not serious!) Or drugs. (wait. there probably are a few of those too. n/m)

Think about it. If you're in love, do any of your other interests (spiritual excluded) even come close? Do you feel as passionately about your artistic outlet as you do for your family? If you've been heartbroken, can any other pain compare?

You can't "hobby" yourself out of love. You can numb yourself so hard that you get by tolerably well, but nothing seems right. Hobbies are wonderful things. I believe it's essential to find and pursue activities that you passionately enjoy just in the doing, whether that be a certain job or a certain study or just a walk in the park. But I think the reason you don't hear any serious songs about anything other than relationships might be because we don't care about anything quite so much as we do about our interactions with others. No doubt, inserting that in our make-up was an intentional act by God, as a means to draw our attention back to Him.

And I? I find that I've unwittingly developed a mentality that since I cannot foster a romantic love and find my regular friendships lacking, my next step is simply to develop a passion for something else. But just as friendships could never replace an eros love, and all human relationships disappoint when compared to loving God, so does love of activities fall far short of the satisfaction of love for another. I've been searching for an interest that will surpass my passion for the unattainable, and it's simply impossible. Apples and oranges, my friend. It's as discouraging as expecting a paper airplane to fly as well as a 747. There's every reason to pursue activities that make us happy (within reason) but you'll never match the pleasure that comes from reconciliation after a miscommunication with a friend... by drawing a pretty picture.

I'm in a rut as far as knowing what my next step should be regarding my pursuit of God, even though I know that it's only that relationship that surpasses interests and passions and romance. But it's surprisingly freeing to have made this realization tonight - that the stuff at the bottom of the chain will never be better than the stuff in the middle, as the stuff in the middle would never surpass the One at the top. So I can stop being frustrated that my best efforts don't suffice. I can stop expecting too much of them - expecting them to replace something else - and pursue them as entirely other from the first, simply for their own good.

And... I guess ask God to show me how He's pursuing me, because I'm having trouble finding new ways of pursuing Him.

"Describe how you've felt blessed to be single at some point this year."

2009-02-21T23:40:00.000-05:00

That's how my care group leader opened our meeting last night.

Now, for one, let me just say I'm always a little unsure of how to react when, at a singles' group function, we ACTUALLY talk about being single. I can't say as it has ever happened before this one... and now it seems like it happens a LOT. That said.

He wanted to go around the room and have everyone tell a story from the past year of how they'd felt blessed by their single state. I'm sure if he'd had two more hours, he would have inquired of each one of us individually. It struck me as a little overoptimistic to assume that everyone there would have a response, especially since, even over the course of maybe 30 minutes of hearing others' testimonies, I would still have had nothing to say, even if he'd called me out.

Yeah, intellectually I get it. You've got more time on your hands. You're free to go out with friends or stay out late. You can serve more freely in the church. You can eat ice cream cake and popcorn for dinner if you're so inclined. But those are just things that I tell myself to try to make myself feel better. I don't see them as blessings. I know that singleness is a gift, but I'd never call it that and REALLY mean it. I've never felt blessed by it.

On the other hand, at least I can say I don't feel cursed by it. I have no notion of a mean God withholding good things for no good reason. Duh, He's God. And that's my answer to the question Matt closed the meeting with yesterday. He said to share our answers to this question with someone by tomorrow. I have, but I'll share it here as well. The question was - "What can you do to remind yourself of God's goodness in the midst of your single state?" Or something along those lines. My second answer doubles as the best answer I'd have for the first: If it were possible, I WOULD be dating someone. You know, "possible" in the sense of "I like you, you like me, wanna go out? ktnx call me!" But I'm not supposed to be in a relationship right now, therefore I am grateful that God has not even allowed for that temptation. I guess it's circular reasoning - I know I'm not supposed to be because I'm not, and if I were, it would be the right thing, so really, either for the good of the joy or the good of the learning process, I can't go wrong. So basically it amounts to a gratefulness for His omnipotence through space and time. And, y'know, that He cares to bother with that sort of thing.

Personally, I liked singles' group better when we didn't talk about it. I go through my day NOT thinking about it and then go to hear God's Word preached and instead I'm asked to dwell on the very thing I've been trying to avoid. Eh, that's not as true as it used to be. I don't have to try nearly so hard not to think about it as I once did. But still. Like the assumption that alll 20-something of us have actually found blessing in the gift of singleness, I question the wisdom of taking an entire evening to discuss... THAT. For my own sanity, I had to walk out of chapel one time because of that, and that, when I was older than many of the singles there. I simply couldn't handle it. Call it ignorance or immaturity or idolatry and you'd be right, but you'd also have to agree that it did nothing to encourage my soul, either. Doubtless, any number of people were really encouraged by last night's conversation. I... didn't cry. That's gotta count for SOMEthing.

Yeah, can I hear myself. I'm a whiny child who STILL hasn't learned how to fight this battle. I feel like I'm in a group of people who all GET it, who don't need to be babied, who can engage in this sort of conversation without bursting into tears over crushing memories and crushed dreams, who know how to be sad about this without letting it destroy them. I feel like I'm in the wrong class, like I should have been held back a year or something.

I know that marriage isn't that big a deal. That there's nothing wrong with being single, both sides have pros and cons. I know that you never find satisfaction in another person. I know there is no happily ever after. Relationships aren't the answer. So... how 'bout let's talk about something else, eh?

the driving force

2009-02-20T18:22:00.001-05:00

I have a theory.

I could be wrong. If so, I apologize. It's not personal. I still love you. But I'm curious about the difference between men, women, and defining terms regarding driving.

Joseph says he's a very good driver, for example. Possibly one of the best he knows. He's proud to be a good driver. And I love Joseph dearly, but he's pretty scary out on the road. He's good AT driving, but I'd never say to another woman, "Yes, he's a good driver." Although come to think of it, I might tell another guy that he's a good driver. Hmm.

So here's my idea. I think that girls in general (please don't throw any fruit at me. generalizations are okay, I swear) would define "good" driving as "safe" driving. But when a guy says he's a "good driver" what he means is that he's a "skilled driver," which often includes what moms all over the country would consider "reckless" driving. He means that he's capable of operating the vehicle... even to its fullest potential. Of 130mph. So when crossing definitions between species, the problem arises that not all good driving is terribly skilled, but neither is all skilled driving good.

Has anyone else run into this problem...?

(And guys, on behalf of all the girls who are neither good nor skilled, I offer my profound apologies. )

thinking is a good idea.

2009-02-20T11:28:00.000-05:00

Equilibrium
Wall E
Minority Report
Bruce Almighty
Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
The Matrix

I'm lazy. I don't always think things through to their end result or logical end. For example, if I were so consistent as to make it a habit, it would be natural to see awful situations in light of God's goodness. But I'm not and I don't. Not always. That is, perhaps, one of the things I like best about movies that DO incorporate this principle, like the movies I listed above.

Don't take for granted that things are what people say they are. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. You don't REALLY want everything you ever wished for. Don't make decisions/allowances (they may or may not seem extreme at the time) without taking into account where you'll end up.

I like it when movies present the viewer with extremes that are the consequences of every day choices, little slip-ups, decisions to take the path of least resistance.

Of course, with our new president and articles like this and this, I've been thinking more about the political ramifications. The government has only as much power as we've given it, but will use every bit of power that it has. Who's to stop it when we realize that it's been given enough power - due to the fine print and the obscure meanings and convincing us that convenience is more important than the life of another - to force us to do things we never meant? Worse yet, what if people never realize it? It's like a ship full of morbidly obese people who haven't stood in years but instead accept as reality the sugar-coated talk about food, pleasure, and commercials placed in front of their eyes. They might wake up enough to stop listening to the "do what feels good" shite to turn off the screen, but their muscles have long atrophied beyond being able to DO anything about where they are and where they're being lead.

There's just something beautiful about it.

2009-02-19T14:42:00.000-05:00

A day that's too cool for shorts but warm enough to turn off the heat and sit inside with the door open.

The sun's path has been deterred by leaves and branches, the railing on the patio, and finally by the half open blinds inside and for a second you find yourself wondering if it's the leaves dancing... or the rays themselves. Tiny spots of yellow-white light dance on the glossy leaves outside, some green, some still brown.

And with all the white noise turned off inside, you can actually hear the sounds floating in through the screen door. The wind whipping through the trees playfully like a lover with his beloved's hair. There also comes the occasional wind chime, melodic in its unpredictability; gentle, clear, and strong without being overbearing. And oh, the birds! The tweets and chirps of their songs as they dash by, they complete the call.

There's something irresistible about it. Once you hear it, really hear it, you cannot help but obey the command to be still, to listen, to relax. A call to peace.

Everyone's a little bit racist.

2009-02-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

No, really. It's a song. But be careful - it's from Avenue Q. I take no responsibility for your sensibilities being offended if you read or listen to it.

Racism oftentimes falls into that same category that I talked about in my last post. Shawndra and Sarah have never met, never once spoken words to each other. But Shawndra thinks that because Sarah has a different colored skin than she, Sarah has already judged her for her color without getting to know her. She’s already judged Sarah for judging her, based on Sarah’s race.

… right. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for racists who complain about racism.

If I were to say I’m not romantically attracted to Asian men, I would sound racist. But if I say I don’t like fat men, it’s read as a personal preference and you think nothing of it. So my personal preference is Caucasian. Is that really as wrong as I’ve been conditioned to believe?

And when I’m out in public, I shy away from folks of ANY race who dress like they’re in a gang. I make judgments on their lifestyles based on what they wear. (Just like most people would make a judgment on my lifestyle if I wore skimpy clothes all the time, or really dark make-up with all-black attire.) I'm pretty sure that's kind of an unavoidable part of being human - one of those primal instincts sorts of things. Unfortunately, most of the guys who have the appearance of being in a gang are African American. Am I being racist or trying to stay away from a potentially dangerous situation?

You can’t do anything about your racial background, but how you dress, how you carry yourself, how you treat other people, and your decision to judge people for judging you (whether you have any reason to believe they have or not) are all choices you have to make.

I went to a salon a week ago to get a haircut. Two good looking, well dressed, white men had come to the office and sold me a package deal for a price I couldn’t refuse (back when I had a job) and this was my first visit to the place. It’s very… ethnic. The building was once a large home and is still decorated like one – large African-style wooden sculptures, stylized drawings on the walls of African women dancing, race-generic metal sculptures of jazz players on the table. I was the only white person in the place. And I judged them because I thought they were judging me. What was I doing there? I didn’t fit in. That’s not my culture. I don’t think I could dance like that if I tried. But they were kind enough to treat me like one of their own, blond hair and all. They even talked about bringing me on the team as a massage therapist (haven’t heard back… definitely need to follow up on that).

And maybe my experience here was more one of “I shy away from you because we’re just too different” in the same way that it’s easy to treat the poor or the old or the crippled or the profoundly home-schooled. It’s natural to gravitate toward those who have things in common with us. If there were a person of a different skin color from mine who seemed like a decent person and was in my drawing class and we struck up a conversation because I recognized the music she was listening to as one of my favorite artists, we’ve got all the ingredients for a potential friendship, regardless of race. On the other hand, I was fascinated by the decorations in the salon, but I didn’t LIKE them. I wasn’t much for the music they played either. These preferences were something I had a hard time appreciating because it seems indicative of racial pride. “I’m proud of my heritage – see how I’ve decorated my work space?” I can’t relate to that because I don’t have any sort of racial pride whatsoever. I’m just your average white mutt. My decorations in my home are race-neutral. In fact, I think I have more pictures of cats than of people on my walls. -_-

I’m rambling. But you know how I roll – I had bouncy thoughts and I was finally ready to ramble. (rumble?) I’m composing this in a Word doc and it’s over a page long, single spaced. I’m so sorry! But in closing... everyone's a little bit racist. And I think we'd all do well to quit trying to figure out how we're being judged, take the time to appreciate the differences (and there ARE differences. you start spouting some nonsense about how blacks and whites and men and women are all the same... you've gotta be crazy), and just Be a little.

around and around we go

2009-02-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

So Jack and Jill are friends. Jill has gone over to Jack's house for a party and Jack comes in a little later with Jane. Now, Jane and Jill have never met before, but both speak English, both are fully capable of introducing themselves, and they shake hands without outside prompting and meet. Jack gets a little flustered and apologizes profusely, "I'm so sorry! I forgot you guys didn't know each other or else I would have introduced you." Jill and Jane stammer "no problems" and cast their eyes down in embarrassment.

Why was Jack embarrassed? There was a long unspoken rule of courtesy that was broken and he was afraid that one or both of his friends were offended or mad at him for it. Why were the girls embarrassed? Because Jack's reaction betrayed the fact that he didn't trust them to be able to handle introductions themselves... he accused them of being mad at him when they'd been perfectly fine and hadn't thought of the faux pas at all. They had thought of it now, though, of course, and so follow snide remarks about guys being throughtless to lighten the mood.

Or how about this - how many times a day do you hear this conversation? "Thank you so much!" "Oh, it was nothing." "No, you were really great!" "Oh all right, well thanks."

What's that all about? I mean really. Words have been stripped bare of all their meaning. Phrases, no, entire conversations tossed around without any real purpose or value. We're afraid to take a compliment for fear of seeming proud for something worth being proud of. And by the end of the conversation, this plastic humility with which we've cloaked ourselves is practically transparent to the underlying fear of man and striving for approval. But both parties are so busy with the dressing process that neither notice that it's a waste of time. It's a dance that we feel obligated to take part in, but in the end, everyone's sweating nervously and no one's had any fun.

Or what about the homosexuals? The pro-choicers, the drug addicts, the eating disordered? They get all in a tizzy for being told they're wrong because they think they're being judged as people. The problem is, so much of the time, they ARE, even by those who swear up and down that it's out of love for the man, hatred for the sin. Do we really differentiate as much as we say we do? I want to be confused by the accusation that I did not speak out of love; not scramble to find a viable excuse for my words because the gut motivation for my words is less than flattering to myself AND to them as human beings.

We talked about the love of God at Bible study on Tuesday. How God loves Himself more than He loves us... and that it would be inherently Wrong to do otherwise. I had a conversation with Dan today and he took it further - that the most loving thing that a perfect being can do is to create beings whose sole purpose is to bask in His perfection.

I wish I could just will away all the fear. No more heartless apologies for mishaps that don't warrant them; apologies that are offered not really because of the insensitivity but because you worry that someone thought you insensitive. No more meaningless compliments and receipts thereof. No more self-righteous judgments that spawn fear and expectation of more truth spread by candy coated mock piety. Just glorying in the beauty of God, His creation, and the ways we bear His image. I'm just as prone to it as anyone... it's just that I'm starting to notice it for what it is... enough to be irritated by it when I catch it in myself and others; not early enough to stop it.

contradictions

2009-02-06T00:14:00.000-05:00

"Don't sweat the small stuff," so they say.
"It's the little things in life," so they say.
What are they talking about?

It's like, don't worry about the little things. Don't micro-focus. Look at the big picture. Live in light of the good to come.
But then it's like, carpe diem. Make the most of this moment. Find joy in the mini victories. Do what you like and like what you do.
No wonder my head's such a mess.

I'm trying to overlook the pains of day to day life while focusing all my attention on the "sweet nothings" of that same day to day life. I'm trying to use a telescope and a microscope at the same time and all I get is confused. The only answer I've come up with so far is, "Whatever is excellent (etc. etc.) think about such things," and even that falls short because it's also "true and right" that "bad things" happen.

I mean, is it a case by case basis? If I'm discouraged by the fact that I have no passion, I should seek it in things of less importance than my normal fare? And if I'm discouraged by the fact that "everything's going wrong today," I need to dwell on the big things that REALLY matter because I mean face it, the little stuff doesn't matter. But wait, the little stuff gets me through the days of no passion.... So I guess I'm outta luck if everything goes wrong on a passionless day. -_-

The most true, the most noble, the most right thing available is God Himself. Think about Him. Well, I can only do that SO much, right? I mean, outside of a convent, there are things that need to be done other than quiet meditation 24/7. We're expected to work and support our living situation and cultivate relationships and all of these things in light of God's goodness. I need a theology that is more than a distraction. "Don't think about that. Think about God." Sometimes that will indeed solve the problem. But sometimes it just masks it and makes it worse for later.

I mean, okay. If you think about God instead of your problem, and you grow that habit, chances are good that you'll start to see circumstances in light of His goodness and grace and you won't be rocked by them. But that is no small feat to get to the point where that thought process is so habitual as to give that result. Meanwhile you're either stuffing the problem or indulging in it. What do I do TODAY? What do I do at the end of a day when I may or may not have done anything that seemed worthwhile at the time or to my logic but I lay down at night feeling like it was all a facade. Like I'm just doing stuff to do stuff and there's no heart behind it.

I had a good day; my only complaint is that everything still feels so shallow, like I'm missing a key element.

I've been thinking about this stuff for a long time. It's... still a work in progress. Also, it's time for bed. G'night all.

The Secret Garden

2009-02-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

Did you ever read it? I did. Mine was a giant book (at least 8.5x11) with a thick hardback cover and uneven edges on the pages. Growing up in my school, we were required to read for 15 minutes, X number of times a week. In my ignorance, then, my job was to read words for 15 minutes. Who wants to bother with the trouble of comprehension? No wonder I have such a poor retention rate. Needless to say, since I was quite young at the time, I don't remember much at all from the book (and what I do remember might well be from a movie version) other than that there was a sick kid in a big house and a lonely girl who found a key that fit a door all covered over in vines that opened to an abandoned garden.

I liked that idea. That was the sort of story that I would make up for myself when I spent my recess periods hiding under the steps of the apartment next to our elementary school playground. Tiny places, secret hideouts, mystery and adventure of the mind.

The reason I was thinking about this was because there are a lot of alley ways in Charleston that look like they should lead to a secret garden. Very narrow, framed by old stones and bricks and canopied by vines... you never know where those paths will take you; they practically scream to be investigated. Alleys like that could turn a corner and drop you into Anthropos or Narnia or have an old red bike at the end that will fly you away.

Is this an "every girl's dream" sort of fascination, or am I weird like that?

naughty words

2009-02-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

Words. Nothing but bunches of letters put together in different orders, but our brains learn to decipher them and interpret them to have meaning, and different meanings for different contexts.

So it's okay to speak of those who are going to hell as "damned." And the creature that Mary supposedly rode to Bethlehem was an "ass." And a female dog is a "bitch." There's nothing inherently wrong with words.

So why do good little Christian children fear certain words? We're only told that we're not supposed to say certain things; that certain combinations of letters are inherently evil. As we grow older, I think most of us either simply decide to rebel, decide it's not that big of a deal, or maintain that restraint for fear of offending someone (or our own consciences).

I had dinner last week with my pastor's family. They have four small children who are wild and crazy as any children should be at that age, and were showing me the latest dance moves that they had dreamed up. I was laughing and remarking at them... until I saw the youngest girl lean over to her dad and tell him that I'd said a bad word. I don't know what it was that I said... thought it might have been "Dang!" at the time, but when I asked Matt about it after the kids had gone to bed, he said it could have been something like, "Man!" As in, "Man, that's so cool!"

"Man" is not a word I'd ever heard to be ranked as a bad word before, so obviously I thought his explanation was blogworthy. They don't teach their kids that certain words are bad words in and of themselves. They tell them that words used in anger or rebellion are bad. So in the sentence, "Aw man, do I have to?" "man" is a word that reveals a bad attitude. Now, will a four year old understand that distinction? Obviously not, at least not entirely, because I didn't say it in that context and she still interpreted it as a bad word. But the rule came with a teaching; it wasn't just a blanket, "You need to use a different word, honey." I thought that was really cool.

And again.

2009-01-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

When I lost my job at the church, I was heartbroken. I felt as though a dear lover had rejected me. I cried hard. For days.

Here we are again. I enjoyed the work I did at Adec more than I did the church. I liked my co-workers better. There was less stress. More sunshine. My time there was only a fourth what I spent at the other, but that's still half a year... long enough to fall in love. But I'm not torn up over it.

I'm sad, sure. I loved working there, I loved the dress code there, all the people, how gracious my boss was. But I never fell in love with anything while I was there - with the job, with a hobby, with a man. I have memories in that office, but none that hold any great passion. Can it be that the tragedy of losing the job at the church had more to do with feeling cut off from the memory, the reality of the joys and sorrows I'd felt while there? Is the current tragedy that I spent six months without any passion at all and so had nothing emotional to lose?

I might could shed a few tears over that.

*Edit* Or maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it was the complete lack of rejection. Not, "We don't feel like you were a good fit" or "I found someone I liked better" or "You failed... but we're too nice to go into exactly why we're letting you go." It was just, "We love you! But we've run out of things for you to do and your department had all of its budget cut this year. We hate that it had to go down this way.... We'll be in touch if anything comes up!"

Exodus

2008-07-01T08:39:00.003-04:00

LOL, w00t. Do I have more than one anonymous observer??

For personal reasons, I don't want to post a direct link from here to my new blog, but I'll be happy to respond to e-mails sent to alittledessi@gmail.com requesting that information. :-D

I really appreciate the comment that my blog seems "spiritual," though I'd certainly have to give God ALL the credit for that because without Him, all my blogs would look something like

o_O

Anyway. I'm still posting on Xanga... still trying to find the truth in a world where suffering and blessing go hand in hand.

Be well!

Jessica loves springtime.

2008-05-05T09:24:00.002-04:00

no, unfortunately this is not my artwork. i wish....

in midnights, in cups of coffee...

2008-05-05T02:00:00.006-04:00

It seems it's May the fifth,
2AM,
Eastern Standard Time.
I can't believe another year went by so fast....

wait... what's an elephant doing here?

what about Xanga?

2008-05-04T17:08:00.006-04:00

pros:
smilies
I can see all posts at once, private and public
fluctuating screen size
font size (my beef with this is complicated. just trust me.)
header format
navigation
2 ways to subscribe
the post is visible in the same window when you comment
picture upload
delete
footprints

cons:
it's hard to make it as pretty (but that's probably only because I haven't started using Xanga Themes yet...)
blog archive feature is real nice to have
automatic save (Xanga only has a manual feature that will let you save without posting and if you lose the page suddenly, you will have lost whatever you didn't save... and it will be posted prematurely. so... if this happens a lot, set it to private until you're ready to post. big deal.)
RSS feed for the comments

stuff I thought I'd like better about Blogger:
"only sign in once to get to my e-mail, RSS, and blog." well, they've taken the blogger link off of the Google links header. plus Xanga is letting me stay signed in even when I open a new window (they didn't used to) and I only have to click once to get to my home page. Blogger requires two clicks (or three, plus search and error time, if you're trying to get there just with the Google links). I mean, big deal right? but it's frustrating to me somehow.
"easy side page elements." not any easier than it is to enter the html in the Xanga Look and Feel box. plus Xanga has that same feature, again, in the Themes department that I haven't gotten into yet.
"attractive format." sure, but I can't tweak it without a technological pick and shovel. Xanga lets me in on the action and I can change the look in subtle ways as per my preference.
"RSS feed." yeah, Xanga's got that too, now.

I think it just depends on the user's individual needs and preferences. Personally, I'm thinkin' Xanga.

addendum to: previous

2008-05-03T23:36:00.003-04:00

This is mostly for my benefit, to remind myself of what is true and right.

There's more to it than trusting that insomnia will be good for me one day. I know that, but I don't often remember it when I need to. It's not just that I will be able to look back on my life and say, "Yeah, I can see how that lesson taught me this and that in the long run," but the suffering of it can and should be good for me NOW. As long as I am willing to view it in such a light, it is a way to learn to depend on and trust God because... I have nothing left. I CANNOT keep going in my own strength. But "I can do all things through Christ." I choose, by my reaction, to make it a source of grumbling, an attempt at self-reliance that leaves me dead to the world, or this freeing slavery to His will that is Good.

More often than not, I'm somewhere in the middle, still allowing myself to be weighed down by the depression that inevitably follows the third or fourth (or first...) sleepless night but not enough to be totally destroyed by it. Or I DO remember the truth, but only in these moments before another attempt at rest, only to be forgotten in my whining that it's time to get up and I haven't had enough sleep to get me through the day.

Last night's sleep was possibly the best I've had in the last 11 days. I'm grateful for that. And now I'm going to go try for another one! :-P

a "windows wide open" day

2008-05-02T19:22:00.002-04:00

It was a beautiful day today, if the sunset has anything to say about it. There's just enough of a breeze to bring the cool air and scents of spring (I thank God every day that I don't have allergies. Please may it always be so?) through my wide open bedroom windows.

I long to relax enough to enjoy it. I've been learning about fear in my head and in my heart, and God has been so good to usher me through this lesson... but somehow my muscles have yet to catch up. They seem terrified that if they relax, it WILL mean the end of the world.

Currently trying My Job in the case of Reinicke vs. Insomnia. I fear it may be the culprit.

I want to rest. God knows I need it; I thought I was going to collapse several times today. I pray, beg, and plead, but it seems I have nothing to do but trust that this season will "be good for me" one day....

Hey, look!

2008-05-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

David and Andrea have a new baby too! :-D This is Alexi Edmund:

very nearly done

2008-04-30T21:23:00.002-04:00

Tonight was my last class of my first semester of art school!!

Unfortunately, there was this little paper that I forgot to turn in (literally little, just one page) and I didn't remember her saying that we were supposed to turn in our portfolios again (why? hasn't she seen them enough??) so... prolonging the joy. Or something. But my classes are done and I'm confident that I passed both with fair or significant margins, yay.

I think I have all but two of the projects back... but... I don't really feel like messing with them and the scanner tonight. Soon, I promise. :)

YAY!

2008-04-23T16:08:00.000-04:00

Liz and Nathan have a baby!! His name is Jeffrey Isaiah. Awwwwww.

Sorry, I'm not a big picture taker... but here he is with grandma. XD He's precious.

PICTURES!

2008-04-22T11:29:00.017-04:00

Yes dear friends, after all this time, I've finally taken some pictures. I got the motivation when I did an overhaul on my room last night. (Doesn't anyone want to come visit while it's still clean???) So anyway, not sure how much longer I'll be here LOL but here it is, and I like it. :-D

We'll do my room first, a shot from each of the corners, going clockwise. No, you don't get to see inside my closet. Just trust me on this one - it spans the entire width of the wall that it's on. So it's a fair size, just not very deep.

issakittyyussitis!

Leave my room and you can see the spacious bathroom (it really is, it's just hard to take good pics of bathrooms...), linen closet, Raquel's room, and the laundry closet.

If you go right out of my bedroom, you'll tumble down a wide set of stairs. At the bottom, you see Sara's bathroom and bedroom to the right, and the back door and storage closet to the left.

Past Sara's room to the right is the kitchen. Pardon the mess. It's not mine. :-P

Yes, we have white columns in our house. Pass out of the kitchen/dining area and you come to the living room with a borrowed TV, former roomie's bookshelves, and hand me down purple couches. And also the front door.

Here's the view from the front of the house, yay! And working our way around to the back...

that door is to a small storage shed that Daniel keeps empty and won't let us use. -_- Those steps lead up to the back door.

Here's a shot of the neighborhood as you're looking at it down the street behind my house...

and some condos across the way. You can see the playground from here, too. Haven't tried it yet, but it seems cool. ;)

Soh. There you go!

fuzzy

2008-04-21T14:16:00.003-04:00

I can't... quite... see. It's as though I go through the day in "that place between asleep and awake." I grasp at ideas like a vapor, and they are gone. There's a haze on everything. Listening and communicating is harder than I remember them being. I'll sit down to write and realize I've forgotten what the subject was. I've been reading more, and strangely this problem doesn't seem to affect that as much, though I admit I rarely read very much at a time.

It sounds like sleep deprivation, and the symptoms are similar, but yet different somehow... and I've been sleeping okay.

I just feel funny. And as soon as I start to wonder about it, I have to put it aside for something else - work or projects or care group or what have you.

Everything's fuzzy. And busy. And noisy. Somebody asked me yesterday why I didn't want to hang out last night. I still can't put a finger on it, but I'm looking for something. Some quiet that yet eludes me as soon as I get alone.

----------------------------------

"Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can ya handle this?
...
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, or when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?"

"Be still. And know. That I AM God."

and where it stops, nobody knows

2008-04-21T09:40:00.007-04:00

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

...it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:9

...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling Philippians 2:12

Back to that conversation Friday night at care group. The one that I was all upset about, but at least not yelling.

It went like this. I've spent years as a nanny, babysitter, serving in children's ministry, and taking care of my younger brother, covering (at one point or several) children ages 1-12. I've got the experience. And I know I don't like serving in children's ministry. So I approached a couple of people about whether there was another area in which I could be serving. I was met with concerned looks and the question, Why don't you like children's ministry?

Well, I don't like games. I never have. When I was little, I tried to get out of going to recess. Failing that, I would hide in little spots on the outskirts where I could be alone. I hated P.E. even worse.

I hate teaching in a formal setting. I had to do it for a year in college, and I think that's long enough to know for sure that I don't like it. And guess what age I taught? Five year olds.

I can't stand whiners and I won't stand for it when I have kids, but there's nothing I can do about someone else's kids who were raised thinking it was an acceptable way to ask for something.

I don't like entertaining big groups of people, no matter what age.

So at some point, the individuals I was talking to would ask, Well, what if you viewed it as a means of sanctification? The only Scriptural backup I could think of for this idea would be the Philippians verse, and that's really stretching it. God stays plenty busy with me. I don't think He needs help finding ways in which to sanctify me. No, I'm saying I want to serve, I want to help the congregation in some way, and there are lots of things that need doing that I actually enjoy and do well. Why pick one that will make me miserable?

Well, if it makes you miserable, then maybe you should check your heart. It sounds like you're going into it already determined that you're going to hate it, so of course you will. But what if you looked at it as an opportunity to learn ways to play with your kids, since you might not like games but they will?

If I'm going to be thinking along those lines, I know I'll get depressed. I'd be consciously preparing for something I don't believe will ever happen.

Why on earth would you believe that? When we're delighting in Him, God puts desires in our hearts that will be fulfilled. He's not out to trick you, dangle something in front of you and then say you can't have it.

You sure about that? Cuz I know I've seen things that look an awful lot like He does that sometimes because it was best at the time. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

He's a good Father. He's going to give good things to His children.

Yes He will. But how can you be so sure that what you see as good is what He will see as good? You don't know the big picture like He does. You don't always get what you want, no matter how much you want it or believe it was promised to you.

He wouldn't give you desires and then not fulfill them. "It's better to marry than to burn." If you've got that burn in you, then you can rest assured that you'll get married one day.

This is the one that really got me, and it's the third time I've heard that argument used in the last two weeks. You ever notice how the verse starts? "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry...." There's no assurance there. If you can't practice any self-control, then go ahead and mess up your whole spiritual life because you WOULD be better off taking the route that you think is easier. But if you can stand it, stay away.

Well, I can't stand it!

You don't have any prospects, either. Maybe one day God will be gracious and take that desire away, never having allowed you to find someone to marry.

This is another one of "those things" that I can't find a solid answer for. I wouldn't wish my lack of hope on anyone ever, but the reasons for their hope don't hold any water for me. I'd love to be proven wrong, but the answers are always in the same vein. The way I see it, the issue is not whether or not I should hope to have a family one day, but that I should hope in God's good provision, never knowing how that might look. But I desperately want to hope for something more specific and it frustrates me to hear that people DO... but I can't accept their reason.

Am I missing something again?

not beautiful

2008-04-19T21:37:00.002-04:00

Not very. Not today.

My heart is weary and heavy laiden. So I asked God for rest.

Or did I? I thought I did. Maybe I only thought I did. I've thought about doing a lot of things.

One half of me sits dead as a stone on the floor of a dreary room, chained to the other half that is scrambling madly around, looking for truth, hope, a window, a key. I am heavy. She is annoying. We fight a lot. Sometimes I convince her to sit quietly and we cry together. Sometimes she has the strength to pull me up to search with her.

God, won't You set us free?

No.

I got ugly today. The kind of angry you can only get when you're at fault but you desperately want to blame someone else in hopes you can get out of the sure terror that will befall you in consequence (that is never actually as bad as you feared). See, there's this huge calendar on the wall at work and I referenced it when I asked off the days I needed to for NA08 (the last weekend in May) back in January so I'd be sure to get them off. But as it turns out, the calendar is from last year. 2007. Mary just asked me about it today, now that someone else has already asked off that Saturday and I'm booked for four massages-for-two. I ended up raising my voice at her, even though it's awesome that she thought to say something about it now rather than a week before. I think I scared her. I scared me, too.

I got ugly last night as well, though I managed not to yell at anyone in the process. Something about not wanting to serve in children's ministry but wanting to be a good mom and... bitterness. So maybe I managed to hide it then... but *I* saw it.

I've been ugly a lot lately. It's unnerving when my armor gets thin like this. But then again, that's the point, right? The fear and the shame and the worry and the failure to trust anybody and everybody I'm ugly at. That's the lesson. The one that's currently destroying me... but in the good way. I'm relying on my own strength and I can't keep it up. And I don't trust God. I had no idea it could have so many layers or run so deep, hh.

Design project: next

2008-04-16T15:51:00.002-04:00

is going to be late.

I'm sorry. It can't be helped. We're supposed to do three paintings, exemplifying three color schemes, all the shapes of which must be taped off.

I hate taping off paintings. The tape tears the paper, it leaks paint underneath, and it takes FOREVER to apply. I thought I was doing so well, but after the first blob had been applied and I saw how awful it looked after how long I'd spent on it, I gave up and haven't been able to bring myself back to it.

And we have another project that requires taping due on Monday, too. Possibly not quite as much, but still. More of the same.

mrf.

"Fear is the mind killer."

2008-04-15T11:15:00.001-04:00

~Dune

How ironic.

He's a pirate.

2008-04-14T16:28:00.005-04:00

Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

At least once more, Miss Swann, as always.

[As a long side note: I've never thought of myself as a great movie buff, but apparently the ones I know, I know well. Alaina had Pride and Prejudice going in her living room and I found myself affectionately quoting along with it. I don't even own that movie; how could I possibly have seen it too many times?? Or the time I was at The Spa and asked Kristen, "May I have my tips please, Darling?" When Jenn came over to get them out for me instead, I said jokingly, "You're not my Darling!" She got all offended until I told her it's a line from Fievel Goes West. Then she didn't think I was offensive... just obscure. Oh, and my favorite. The door to the pantry at my parents' house makes this awful groaning sound when you open it. It sounds not unlike the cry of a wookie. But it's also the same two sliding notes as the scene transition where Inigo Montoya leans on the tree that leads him to the Pit of Despair.]

So it seems I have a multitude of quotes to pull from. And often do. I haven't seen Pirates in some time, but I've been feeling ridiculous lately and this line got stuck in my head. She doesn't just love him. They've been best friends since childhood and he ought to be able to call her by her first name by now. But he insists on tradition and "propriety."

I have that problem. Not propriety necessarily, but I get to a certain comfort level with my friends and I stop. I'll tell you my life story, but I won't trust you as far as I can spit. Not that you'll do something horrible to me... but that you'll do nothing at all. And it's hard for me to remember that when that comes out, chances are that you'll feel spit UPON for not being considered trustworthy by now.

And it's just like that with God, only worse. He'll provide, lavish gifts, tell me in actions and even written Words that He loves me. But nooooo, no no. He mustn't. No, I say that not for anything He's done or withheld... it's just I don't trust Him to be faithful. You start to trust somebody and that's always the moment they take off. It's how it goes.

Isn't it?

So you get to the point where you're scared of being forgotten but you're just as scared of coming across as annoying and you end up blurting out something that makes no sense... other than that you don't trust this friend... and now you've hurt them. And God reaches down and says, "Can you see that you're doing that in our relationship too?" Then if you're lucky, your friend wasn't actually annoyed at you and they forgive you for your spittles and God leans slowly down till you can count His eyelashes and He (somehow gently) stares you down and says, "Have you forgotten that I do that for our relationship, too?"

At dear Christa's suggestion, I finally started on Running Scared, a book I actually bought myself over Christmas break because I knew I probably needed to read it. I just hadn't gotten to it. Or I'd been too scared, heh. I just finished section one and it's really good so far. Either that or it's just extremely what I need to be hearing right now... most probably both.

I still feel trapped though. Like I'm suffocating or drowning. The pain in my wrists comes and goes but my body as a whole is achy and weak most of the time and I just generally feel awful. And as always, there are so many variables that I have no idea what it is that I need to change, or how. Too much work? Too little exercise? Too much food? Too little? Not enough or too much of a certain thing? Not enough water? Lack of sleep? Or is it mostly emotional??

*sigh* I'm... tired.

how long, oh Lord?

2008-04-14T12:39:00.003-04:00

Before I will trust? Or have faith? How long will I ride the roller coaster of emotions in my heart when my head knows the truth full well?

How long will I wish bitter words unsaid... or sit in silence for fear that they will come plummeting out? How long before I love You too much to be shaken by the frustrations of life?

How long will I be tired?

Design project 8

2008-04-10T16:46:00.003-04:00

Go out into nature and find some things. Leaves, grass, flowers, whatever. Glue them down onto a piece of bristol board in such a way as to be artistically pleasing. Must be at least 6"x6". You have the option of bringing the project into class to be flattened before turning it in. (I did so)

Addendum: the image for Design project 7 has been updated. I repositioned the circles right before turning it in and pasted it on a black sheet instead of a white one. The image doesn't look much different from the way I presented it before, but it's a better scan and the orientation is correct. :)

in pain...

2008-04-10T15:05:00.003-04:00

I went to the gym last night. I've been going pretty faithfully - three times a week almost every week for a month and a half. I approached one of the guys to ask about the chiropractor they have on staff... but as soon as I needed it, the word "chiropractor" went out of my head so I stood there with my mouth open for a second and he said, "Oh, you want to work with a trainer, don't you? Come on!"

I got suckered in.

I worked with Janelle for 15 minutes. Just 15. When I went to the gym on Monday, I was there about two hours. Which I don't mind - working out feels good to me. But when I got out of the car after I had driven home last night, I could barely climb the steps to the front door.

Actually, it's not that I'm in pain... not yet... I'm just very aware of my weakness. Like, can't straighted my legs and flex my quads, weak.

Love it.

Design project... 37?

2008-04-10T09:04:00.005-04:00

I've lost count.

I would have gotten a hundred on the gargoyle, except she counted it late. You saw the three wheels of grade scale, got an A+ on that and the same on my nature collection (haven't scanned it in yet, but I have it back so I should be able to, soon). Then we had the frottage project, which I feel okay about, and the huge book project after that. I totally botched the book part - my pages aren't all the same size (I think they were better before I tried to trim them ) and the cover didn't come out quite as clean as I had envisioned, but I thought all (well, almost) my 26 line drawings inside were quite good, so I may still do okay. Plus I was one of the few who turned it in on time, lol.

The project we turned in last night is pretty self-explanatory when you see it - complimentary color scales, and those going to white, and the basic colors going to black, and the color "wheel." Ideally, I would have had a square punch for the swatches, but I couldn't find one and she'd said it was acceptable to use the circle.

Total swatches used: 193
Estimated total swatches painted: over 400
Estimated creation time over the last week: two class periods (3), one day (5), one morning (2), one afternoon (2), two evenings (6) = 18 hours. Enjoy! (or else!)

I didn't see anyone else turn theirs in yesterday (I mean really, what normal person has 18 hours in one week to spend on one Design project anyway??) but when I handed her mine, she sounded really pleased and showcased it to the class as an excellent example.

[Will post a proper scan when I get the project back, but I finished the project with just enough time to clean my crap out of the living room and pack the car for class to get there right on time... no time for scanning!]

What do you do?

2008-04-06T08:25:00.003-04:00

When you love something. Absolutely love it. Don't think you really want to DO it for a job, but you want to do it better, so you go to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into taking the certification exam because, why not? You went to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into getting a job in the field because, why not? You went to school and took the test and got the license for it. And then you get a job! Who would have thunk? And you like what you do, you like your co-workers, your boss, the atmosphere, the people you help, the money...

but you're standing next to a client one day and you suddenly realize... "I don't like my job"?

I miss you

2008-04-05T21:40:00.003-04:00

like an old friend. You saw my good days, you caught my tears, you kept my secrets. I know you - every curve, the sound of your voice, your scent. My favorite songs remind me of you. You always lift my spirits and remind me what is true. You listen to me when no one else will. You were there for me.

I miss you like an old friend.

I love you.

And that was the day...

2008-04-05T18:38:00.002-04:00

...I realized I will never feel the need to go into a strip club.

Not even for a drink to celebrate a co-worker's birthday.

It just... ain't happenin.

"Better than I deserve."

2008-04-04T22:22:00.004-04:00

In answer to a well meaning, "How are you?" this answer typically means two things - not very well, and it sucks but I don't deserve anything worth having anyway.

Subtle, twisted pride. Gets ya every time.

The way it was intended when I first heard "better than I deserve!" offered as an answer to this question was that we DON'T deserve anything good by our own merit - what we DESERVE is hell and separation from God. The ultimate of "bad days." And that's reason for HOPE, not bitterness, which is another root attitude of my answer. Bitter because I've given up hope for a belief that this is as good as it gets, forget that I'm the child of a Father who would give good things to His undeserving children (it's not about my worthlessness but His grace); might as well get used to lousy circumstances.

But (perhaps for the first time) I used it this evening in what I think is a better way: I'm not doing very well, it's true, but rather than listing my petty complaints that don't amount to a single dot in the span of time, let's focus instead on something we can hope in.

I'm not saying I won't share my struggles... and I won't say I don't struggle with finding a happy medium between admitting I'm unwell and claiming the truth of my big-picture situation... but it's so easy to unload on our sympathizing friends and forget to see God's hand in it. God's hand, His control over our lives, is not usually the first thing I see when faced with a difficult day. That is my weakness, but it is where I am.

So maybe it was better, but maybe not the best. I'm into extremes and have a hard time with balance. I guess that's the step that I'm missing - not denying either reality but actually making the conscious effort to acknowledge both... and see for myself that the Lord is good.

P.S. This is post 137. Just... thought I'd letcha know. :-D

da beetis no can haz!

2008-04-03T20:41:00.005-04:00

Went back to the doctor again today. Ran out of Ambien CR on Tuesday night and all my best efforts last night resulted in a predictable night of minimal and broken sleep. He gave me a prescription for regular Ambien (YAY) and then showed me the results from all the blood tests they did after I was there last time. I'm safely within normal range on all of them, from sugar and sodium down to my kidney functions. I'm a fully normal human being. *turns aside and cracks up* So... there's no known physical reason for why I'm not sleeping.

I also asked him about my wrist and he said to take some anti-inflammatories but other than that, just do what feels good. (don't know how having sex will help this particular condition, but if it's what the doctor orders...! :-P er, ahem.) I've been rubbing cream on my hands and wrists that's supposed to promote ROM and circulation and it seems to really help. I've only worked one day this week so far but Friday and Saturday are coming up. I just hope I make it....

Meh. So. Tired.

How's life?

2008-04-03T14:05:00.001-04:00

Eh, it's not my favorite.

But that's hardly anyone's fault by my own.

Getting some more Ambien before class. Yay.

-_-

Jeffkins

2008-04-01T09:36:00.003-04:00

is a dear friend of mine. A bit of a kindred spirit. For one, we both tend to write a lot. ;)

This blog entry of his captures well, from a different view, my struggles with throwing off the covers and getting up.

It's good to know we're not the only ones in this fight....

ML8: interpretation

2008-03-30T23:12:00.003-04:00

Interpretation is everything, and this is something I've been talking about all along.

Say you get cut off in traffic. If you interpret that as an act of deliberate meanness, you might get upset. But if you interpret it as being that you were in their blind spot and they didn't realize they cut you off, it's easier to forgive them. (I think I did this to someone once... because they then pulled in front of me and slammed on the brakes at close range for no apparent reason. Then they sped off. It was scary. And I had no idea I'd done anything offensive.)

Or say you get all the hard jobs at work while your peers get only a few moderate tasks for the day. You could whine that the designator is picking on you. Or you could trust that it was an oversight and have the humility to say, "I won't be able to get all these done. Can you give some of these jobs to someone else?"

A friend doesn't contact you for two weeks. You could interpret that as being that she's mad at you or is avoiding you for some unspoken reason, or you could figure that something has come up and didn't have time to call.

Interpretation will have a great affect on (if not determine) your reaction. Granted, there are sometimes wicked motives afoot, but as Christians, that still doesn't give us the right to get defensive and angry and demand retribution. But I think maybe this is what 1 Corinthians means when it says "Love believes all things" - that it is willing to see the best in people in unpleasant situations... and it ends up making our lives less stressful too because we're not steaming over our wounds that may or may not have even had any malicious intent behind them.

This relates to work in that I hear a lot of offense taken at co-workers or the way the business is run or the scheduling for the day... and I can think of umpteen reasons for those things to have ended up the way they were without any ill-intent in the making and no reason for anyone to get riled up over it. So I see the tension and the anger and the hard feelings in those around me... and I can get caught up in those too by absorbing their complaints... or I can choose to believe the best and come out on top, emotionally.

ML7: I'm an alien

2008-03-30T23:05:00.000-04:00

I went to a Christian school from K-12, then again for college, and didn't have a really secular job until this one. I've been saturated.

Now I'm surrounded by non-Christians who look at me going about life as I always do, not always strong or hopeful or non-depressed... and they still want to know, "Why are you happy all the time?"

It's not something I normally think about. It's just life. God is in my life and He (obviously!) makes a difference that can be seen, but He's always been there and I don't really have "pre-conversion" memories or confessions or dramatic stories. And I've never been all that different from those around me, because they all had Him too. These co-workers make me see Christ in myself, if that makes any sense. They force me to step back and go, "Wow. I'm not normal. I never thought of myself as being anything extraordinary, but I stand out to these folks and it's all because of God. He's working in my life. He's using me to show them something different. That's awesome!"

And I think that's important. That it's too easy to take the presence of God for granted. Not even that I would take credit for His doing, but just that I don't acknowledge the difference He makes. It's good to see.

ML6: the force be behind you

2008-03-30T22:46:00.002-04:00

This one I got out of a church sermon recently.

It's very easy to massage incorrectly. The most natural way to go about it is to use your hand muscles for everything. You have the most nerves in your fingers, so you can feel the muscles, the knots, the bones, and where pressure is needed. Your elbow? Notsomuch. Also, it's easier to bend over than it is to widen your stance and lower your body so that bending doesn't happen.

But when you use your elbow, you're using your upper arm and back muscles (think about it: MUCH bigger and stronger than the ones in your hand!) to do the work. And when you bend over all the time, well, duh, you're going to throw your back out of whack. More than that, when you have your feet wide apart, your power comes all the way from your back foot out your fingers, rather than from just your shoulders or wrists. The way the teacher described it is that ideally... [okay, this is complicated. Imagine the person is laying face up on the table. If I am working on their left side, I should have my right foot more towards the head of the table and my left more towards the foot of the table, with my torso turned to my right, right leg bent.] ... for my long strokes along the arm or leg, all of my weight should be in my left leg - I should be able to lift the right foot fully off the ground. Using my whole body to do the work.

Life is like that. When we don't depend on God's power to run our lives, it's like we're trying to give a massage from our fingertips and not from our weight-bearing foot. We have so little strength within ourselves. We need Him or else we just end up sore and broken... and forced to depend on Him to keep going whether we want to or not!

ML4: we need each other; ML5: don't complain

2008-03-30T22:25:00.003-04:00

I've heard my share of slander since starting at the Spa. This person is so bad because of this, that person is so lazy because of that, etc.

Don't complain. Complaining is like a disease that spreads quickly and affects everyone you come in contact with. Complaining just makes both you and the recipient miserable. It might bring about change, therefore there can be a positive aspect to it, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it.

Besides.

We need each other. It does no good to cut one another down (to their face or behind their back) because we're only hurting ourselves. We're part of the same team. If I wish ill for a member of my own team, it doesn't do me good. It's especially apparent to me in this context - it's a lot harder to do my job with 3.5 people than it was when there were 7. My not liking someone doesn't mean that I don't need them to be there and do their job.

In the end, will it have been better that so many of our team have left, if we are eventually able to replace them with better, more positive individuals? Perhaps. I'm not saying it's not for the best. But in the meantime, I wish more people could see that we need to build each other up because it means we're taking care of ourselves.

I just found one of the new nail techs is leaving. "On call," she says. Just like the seasoned esthetician who is also leaving. I just... I KNOW it could be such a great place to work and I wish it could live up to its potential as such, but I don't think anyone knows where the weak links are.