Hokay, zoh.
Monday Design class, I was behind cuz I'd skipped Wendesday's class, right? We were supposed to create a graphite value scale, or so I was told, by using the same amount of pressure with each of the ten grades of art pencil we were told to buy at the beginning of the semester. So since I forgot my tool box, I borrowed the pencils from my neighbor and quickly did the assignment. I use a really light pressure when I draw, to a fault, so even my 8B (softest graphite) was a really light shade. Turns out it didn't matter... it was just to use for the upcoming project (see last post).
Wednesday I go into class on zero amounts of sleep, as I had been up till 3:15 finishing the project and was afraid to take my medicine. It's supposed to last 6-8 hours, you see, and I only had 3.75 before the alarm went off. I figured I'd at least fall straight asleep... but it was not to be.
As per the doctor's orders, I've started halving my meds, trying to make sure I don't get hooked and can just let my body get into the groove of sleeping naturally at night. So Wednesday and Thursday night that's what I did, but was still exhausted the next day. Took a whole one last night... still didn't make much of a difference. Anyway. All that is actually a side note, LOL.
After class, I went to the Silver Chair to meet up with a couple of girls I had agreed to meet there the week before. I think they forgot we'd talked about it, but I got caught up in a conversation with a couple of the guys from church who DID happen to be there and stayed much later than I should have, considering all the work I had to do. One of them gave me the idea I needed for this big project coming up, though, for which I was very excited. (thanks Justin!)
I went into my other class, History of Western Art, on Thursday night. I was coming from art supply shopping for the big project due for Design in a few weeks that will count as two grades (it's a doozy) and was afraid I'd be late... so I tried to short cut my way there on time. Instead I got lost, rear-ended a nice lady who jumped out, looked, and waved me on, and was three minutes late for class. I think she was gracious enough to wave it this time, though. (she's a stickler for being on time)
We got our second tests back - I got an 80 (unless she didn't give me full credit for the one page paper we're supposed to hand in along with each test). Which is a few points better than the last one. Which is hard for me, since I'm used to getting A's or high B's without study... and I've spent 2 or 3 or more hours studying each time.
It became clear from the discussion at the end of class that the rough draft (to be traded with a classmate and proofread) of the big, semester-long research paper that I haven't started on... is due next Thursday. But since this past Thursday night, I've been working during business hours and haven't been able to get to the library for books. Not that I've had the energy to be looking through them in the first place. So I'm going to have to skip lunch with the gang from church so that I can get in tomorrow, and also skip the afternoon/evening at the Payne's where the gang is going to hang out and play games, because I have to be working on this research paper. And the Design project that was assigned Wednesday and is due Monday night.
Meanwhile, my room is still a disaster. The laundry basket that was full of clean clothes is starting to shrink and the dirty basket that never quite made it back into the closet is overflowing. I had to go to WalMart after work tonight so that my cat didn't think I'm trying to starve her to death (we were out of food). And I'm still tired. And I really, really don't want to start researching.
Blarg. Anyway. That's what's new with me.
Also... I had a talk with my pastor, Matt, at care group last night. I don't know that I'm satisfied even yet, but he gave me some things to chew on. Wonderful friends Katie and Salem both gave the therapist a massage that night, too. My friend Emily has had a debilitating migraine for like two weeks straight, but she still comes to care group. We have a new female therapist at the spa, and supposedly a guy coming from Italy... but right before he was supposed to start, his dad died so he had to fly out for the funeral. I think I'm getting better at my trade and I am gradually improving my body mechanics (which actually HAS seemed to help my end-of-the-day condition!)... but I'm really starting to miss secretary work. It's weird. Just had the first client to come back to me for a third time today - very exciting. She's already booked for another one in two weeks, w00t. Oh, and had a person who's been in like twenty times or more came to me today for a SUPER deep massage... and she said she'd ask for me next time. I don't even think I'm all that good at deep massage... or at least I didn't before today, hhh. OH! And Charter is coming on Monday to set us up with real internet, YAY!
My cat almost fell off the headboard of my bed. I lawled at her. ^_^
Okay. I really can't keep putting this off. Suffice it to say that life is a little weary, but God is good and I've got it way better than most.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Design project 7
Create three value wheels: one done with black India (quill pen -esque) ink, one with black and white paint, and one with various grades of graphite pencil. In a way that touches each individual shade, incorporate a middle grey to contrast with the rest. This could be done with a stack of squares and a grey rectangle that stretched across them, or with triangles in a circle with punched-out dots of the grey on top of each... one girl in my class made fish bodies with the values and the middle grey was the fins... or something like that. You could be as creative as you could... my juices weren't flowing so well, but it turned out okay. I think I certainly accomplished the objective, at least!
(another bad scanning job... long story behind this one... I may come back and rescan it in when I get it back.)
Monday, March 3, 2008
Design project 6
Choose a photograph, preferably one you took yourself, that has a lot of contrast, detail, and texture. Trace the basic outline (I drew it... and it shows. boo.) and then recreate the image using a Uniball (ink) pen via varying styles of lines. You must also incorporate the use of detail and economy of lines - either lots of lines on one side and as few as possible on the other, or that same principle but radiating toward the middle, or corner to corner, etc.
Holy crap, man, I had no idea this would be so difficult. I'm okay with the end product, but geez. I have a whole new appreciation for people who do this sort of work all the time!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
signs of depression.
[one is a lack of desire to do things you normally like to do. which is the reason I'm gonna use for why I couldn't possibly bring myself to finish my art project on time last Thursday. hoping I'll be able to finish it tonight.... I've heard that sunshine is a good weapon against depression so I took it outside to work on it. I'm gonna have a pretty bad sunburn now... and I still have a lot to do on it. so this is me taking a break, hhhh.]
A man I consider to be one of great knowledge and not a little bit of wisdom (there is a difference) told me once that it's a sign of depression to feel that you'd rather be dead than alive. If you've never been depressed or a part of my family, you might think that's a no-brainer, but hear me out. I'm a Christian. I can look forward to heaven when I leave this life. I hear it's nice. No death, no tears, face to face with the Savior, and all that. "This world has nothing for me."
But life is a gift. God gave it to me. I'm a wealthy American with way too many things and way too much money. I'm a Christian - I don't have to face this life with no hope of a future even when things look down at the moment.
I've been blessed with "endless mercies and ceaseless grace" simply due to the fact that I'm alive. Or so I'm told. But what if I don't see that as a blessing? "You should be glad you're alive!" is the line you hear sometimes after the disaster scene in movies. But what if I'm not?
Think about it for one second with me. Nothing satisfies but He who is in heaven. Nothing on earth is sure. Nothing in this life lasts. Nothing we're given apart from grace and salvation is worth living for... in fact, if we ever try, God's jealousy usually finds a way to take it from us.
I'm plagued by feelings of worthlessness. Finitude. Like there is so much sin in my life that my spiritual struggles and perceived progress amount to nothing. Like I never do anything right or worthy of praise or rest. "And you don't!" you reply. "That's the beauty of the gospel - you can't earn it. It's all God!" So I feel worthless because I AM. "Well, no. No, of course not. God thought you were worth something. He sent His Son to die for you and cover your sins so you could belong to Him." Okay. So the only reason I have worth is because of the price that He paid for me - infinitely more than I could ever be worth, but because He paid it, I am worth it. But I am a tiny speck in the span of the universe and of time. I'm not worth anything aside from that.
"Bless God for His goodness." Even when all is lost and nothing is well, He is good. Well, sure. I know that because of the fact that I'm not going to hell, where I deserve to be already. But if the only things I can hope for are in the life to come, what is the value of the life I'm in? "You are to be a light to the world, giving others the chance to hear the Good News too." I am a light. But no... I'm a dead bulb. I can't even generate the energy to light up. I need an outside Source. I'm back to feeling worthless.
If I say that I don't find joy in this life, you tell me to hope in my salvation, if nothing else. Salvation from separation from God. Salvation from eternal damnation. Salvation from my sin. I will never fully experience these things in this life. So if I hope in my salvation... am I not hoping for my death?
Am I depressed? Or am I taking it all to its logical conclusion? Am I missing some key element that will unlock this mystery for me?
Don't worry about me. I'm not going to *do* anything... I just think too much, hhh. In fact, these were my musings as the pastor was talking about craving Christ this morning, LOL.
Okay. Homework!
A man I consider to be one of great knowledge and not a little bit of wisdom (there is a difference) told me once that it's a sign of depression to feel that you'd rather be dead than alive. If you've never been depressed or a part of my family, you might think that's a no-brainer, but hear me out. I'm a Christian. I can look forward to heaven when I leave this life. I hear it's nice. No death, no tears, face to face with the Savior, and all that. "This world has nothing for me."
But life is a gift. God gave it to me. I'm a wealthy American with way too many things and way too much money. I'm a Christian - I don't have to face this life with no hope of a future even when things look down at the moment.
I've been blessed with "endless mercies and ceaseless grace" simply due to the fact that I'm alive. Or so I'm told. But what if I don't see that as a blessing? "You should be glad you're alive!" is the line you hear sometimes after the disaster scene in movies. But what if I'm not?
Think about it for one second with me. Nothing satisfies but He who is in heaven. Nothing on earth is sure. Nothing in this life lasts. Nothing we're given apart from grace and salvation is worth living for... in fact, if we ever try, God's jealousy usually finds a way to take it from us.
I'm plagued by feelings of worthlessness. Finitude. Like there is so much sin in my life that my spiritual struggles and perceived progress amount to nothing. Like I never do anything right or worthy of praise or rest. "And you don't!" you reply. "That's the beauty of the gospel - you can't earn it. It's all God!" So I feel worthless because I AM. "Well, no. No, of course not. God thought you were worth something. He sent His Son to die for you and cover your sins so you could belong to Him." Okay. So the only reason I have worth is because of the price that He paid for me - infinitely more than I could ever be worth, but because He paid it, I am worth it. But I am a tiny speck in the span of the universe and of time. I'm not worth anything aside from that.
"Bless God for His goodness." Even when all is lost and nothing is well, He is good. Well, sure. I know that because of the fact that I'm not going to hell, where I deserve to be already. But if the only things I can hope for are in the life to come, what is the value of the life I'm in? "You are to be a light to the world, giving others the chance to hear the Good News too." I am a light. But no... I'm a dead bulb. I can't even generate the energy to light up. I need an outside Source. I'm back to feeling worthless.
If I say that I don't find joy in this life, you tell me to hope in my salvation, if nothing else. Salvation from separation from God. Salvation from eternal damnation. Salvation from my sin. I will never fully experience these things in this life. So if I hope in my salvation... am I not hoping for my death?
Am I depressed? Or am I taking it all to its logical conclusion? Am I missing some key element that will unlock this mystery for me?
Don't worry about me. I'm not going to *do* anything... I just think too much, hhh. In fact, these were my musings as the pastor was talking about craving Christ this morning, LOL.
Okay. Homework!
no touchy
He spoke words of kindness. Made sure she was comfortable. Waited on her, hand and foot. It made an impact, especially after hearing a sermon on the subject of loving fellow Christians earnestly. Matt was able to show Emily the love of Christ without reserve.
That's a beautiful picture... and for that reason, I'm frustrated. With myself, with my Christian culture, and the American culture at large.
See, Matt was doing his job - serving a woman who had come to his coffee shop. He did it magnificently and showed God's love through his actions much more than if he had merely served her the drink... but what if Matt had paid Emily that kind of attention at school? At church? Care group? Oh, no! Whispers start to fly and glances are shot across the room by curious (or jealous!) onlookers. He's OBVIOUSLY got a thing for her. In the secular world... well, good for them. Let them date. Shoot, let them sleep together and see if it could work out long term. But in the SGC culture... Um, Matt? We're gonna have to ask you to tone it down some. Build relationships with some other folks, too.
Now, granted. The guys in my care group are freeking awesome at this... and at balancing it out evenly so that it goes noticed as brotherly love and not special attention.
I guess... I sense these extremes of "having no appearance of evil" and "if you're talking to a woman who is not your wife, you're obviously having an affair." There's "preserving a woman's purity" and there's "The women can lay hands on her in prayer, but the guys can't." "If you believe it's sin, you'd better not do it, but there is freedom" and "If it's possible to sin while doing this, steer clear." I've never found a good balance.
I guess these rantings were also inspired by a conversation I had with my care group leader when I was at group last night. You have non-Christians, with whom there will always be a level to which you cannot relate with them because you don't share Christ as a center of your life. But there are Christians who are that way too. If you approach them trying to ask forgiveness for a wrong, they say, "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it," and your reaction is, "No it's not! I've sinned. My sin is not okay!" you're not connecting spiritually.
My guy and girl friends in college... my effective "church"... weren't afraid to touch each other. Give massages. Frontal hug for a long time. Go for coffee late at night. I felt loved by them in a way that I never had before, and not in a way that was sexual. I didn't feel like we were walking on eggshells, afraid of one another. We could watch movies and drink drinks and say words without (I believe) sinning. You never had to be afraid to be yourself because we all messed up and we all forgave each other for it. It was okay not to be perfect.
But I was seldom challenged spiritually. That's not to say that they weren't Christians or that I slid while I was with them or even that it wasn't just where my heart was for that season... but for me, it was like maintenance work, or slow progression at best.
Nowadays, my church (group of Christian friends with whom I spend my days) is passionate. Strong. Humble. Challenging. Encouraging. But I feel like I have to watch my tongue and the music I listen to and I shouldn't share my blogs with the guys and certainly make sure I never come in physical contact with any of them or else... not that I'll be shunned but that I'll get a stern talking to about something I don't see as being a sin issue for me. I'm sure some of that is mere perception and leftovers from the ideas I had about the folks at SGC Chesapeake... but still. I feel like I have to focus more on appearances than I can on just loving my brothers and sisters and being my own messy self.
And what if, say, heaven forbid, I should want to be more than friends with one of the guys? I feel like I Kissed Dating Goodbye up until college and then I left... and missed out on what it looks like when Boy Meets Girl and they actually do something about it in this sort of community.
I dunno. This is the first time I've had any SGC folks reading my blog, other than my family, so I hope you ladies will give me some feedback. I mean, obviously it sounds like there's a lot of pride lurking as far as "I don't want to give up x" and "I don't want to conform to the rules" and so on... and maybe that's true... but can you at least see through that to where I'm coming from?
That's a beautiful picture... and for that reason, I'm frustrated. With myself, with my Christian culture, and the American culture at large.
See, Matt was doing his job - serving a woman who had come to his coffee shop. He did it magnificently and showed God's love through his actions much more than if he had merely served her the drink... but what if Matt had paid Emily that kind of attention at school? At church? Care group? Oh, no! Whispers start to fly and glances are shot across the room by curious (or jealous!) onlookers. He's OBVIOUSLY got a thing for her. In the secular world... well, good for them. Let them date. Shoot, let them sleep together and see if it could work out long term. But in the SGC culture... Um, Matt? We're gonna have to ask you to tone it down some. Build relationships with some other folks, too.
Now, granted. The guys in my care group are freeking awesome at this... and at balancing it out evenly so that it goes noticed as brotherly love and not special attention.
I guess... I sense these extremes of "having no appearance of evil" and "if you're talking to a woman who is not your wife, you're obviously having an affair." There's "preserving a woman's purity" and there's "The women can lay hands on her in prayer, but the guys can't." "If you believe it's sin, you'd better not do it, but there is freedom" and "If it's possible to sin while doing this, steer clear." I've never found a good balance.
I guess these rantings were also inspired by a conversation I had with my care group leader when I was at group last night. You have non-Christians, with whom there will always be a level to which you cannot relate with them because you don't share Christ as a center of your life. But there are Christians who are that way too. If you approach them trying to ask forgiveness for a wrong, they say, "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it," and your reaction is, "No it's not! I've sinned. My sin is not okay!" you're not connecting spiritually.
My guy and girl friends in college... my effective "church"... weren't afraid to touch each other. Give massages. Frontal hug for a long time. Go for coffee late at night. I felt loved by them in a way that I never had before, and not in a way that was sexual. I didn't feel like we were walking on eggshells, afraid of one another. We could watch movies and drink drinks and say words without (I believe) sinning. You never had to be afraid to be yourself because we all messed up and we all forgave each other for it. It was okay not to be perfect.
But I was seldom challenged spiritually. That's not to say that they weren't Christians or that I slid while I was with them or even that it wasn't just where my heart was for that season... but for me, it was like maintenance work, or slow progression at best.
Nowadays, my church (group of Christian friends with whom I spend my days) is passionate. Strong. Humble. Challenging. Encouraging. But I feel like I have to watch my tongue and the music I listen to and I shouldn't share my blogs with the guys and certainly make sure I never come in physical contact with any of them or else... not that I'll be shunned but that I'll get a stern talking to about something I don't see as being a sin issue for me. I'm sure some of that is mere perception and leftovers from the ideas I had about the folks at SGC Chesapeake... but still. I feel like I have to focus more on appearances than I can on just loving my brothers and sisters and being my own messy self.
And what if, say, heaven forbid, I should want to be more than friends with one of the guys? I feel like I Kissed Dating Goodbye up until college and then I left... and missed out on what it looks like when Boy Meets Girl and they actually do something about it in this sort of community.
I dunno. This is the first time I've had any SGC folks reading my blog, other than my family, so I hope you ladies will give me some feedback. I mean, obviously it sounds like there's a lot of pride lurking as far as "I don't want to give up x" and "I don't want to conform to the rules" and so on... and maybe that's true... but can you at least see through that to where I'm coming from?
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