I will sing.

It was a new building to me. I'd never before visited this location and timidly opened the doors to step inside. The group of individuals in a recessed and walled area of the foyer that I took (at first glance) to be a group of quiet musicians turned out only to be a number of students working in what has to be the most unusual computer lab I've ever seen. But I wasn't looking for a computer... or a musician, for that matter. Across from the recess was a pair of doors that lead into what I (rightly) took to be a small auditorium that somehow reminded me of the school where my family attended church for many years. I couldn't tell at first if I had the right room, however - the material written on the board at the front of the room was related but not necessarily what I wanted, so I backed out to wander for a few more minutes before giving it another shot. A young, attractive woman was on the stage with a white board containing the name "Mrs. Ginny Hall" and some very basic music theory, a podium, and 20-something chairs arranged in two rows of semi-circles. Upon closer inspection, I could make out the text "Chorus" at the top of the board. So this wasn't Music Appreciation. I had the right room. I'm just not used to having an attractive Chorus teacher. They're usually old and pudgy.... As her students straggled into the auditorium, Ginny welcomed us warmly and invited us to sit on the stage with her. I think I will always have a twinge of pride whenever I step onto a stage. You have to take the secret side door and go up the steps - the door that's always closed and the steps that are forbidden territory for anyone who can only consider himself "a member of the audience." But not I. I have been given permission. I can walk up the stairs and take my place on the stage with no fears that anyone will call me out. Five sopranos, five altos, and 3 guys were present for tonight's first meeting and we're expecting a few more to appear next week. I was a soprano for about five minutes before one of the altos complained of not having a sufficiently deep range and I was bumped. Maybe next week will bring new altos and I'll get to move again.... It's a skilled group of students - folks who want to go on to major in voice and music and theater and the like. People who are there because they WANT to be there. People who have been singing in choirs for years. People who have my same need to sing with a group - to fill the space with complex combinations of notes that fit together like puzzle pieces and create sounds that dance in the air, the heart, the mind, in ways that cannot be achieved with one voice alone. It's going to be a great semester. You're invited to the Christmas concert, of course.

I have my approval

It seems to me that we're all aware, to some degree or another, that it's not good to go through life expecting and feeding off of the approval of others.

Granted, if you REALLY never cared what anyone else thought, growth and maturity would be difficult. If no one ever told me, for example, that my stick figures didn't look much like the people they were fashioned for, I might go on drawing them as I always had.

But at the same time, there is a certain value in simply doing things we love to do, and doing them well, and being pleased with the end result... the last of which is impossible if we only value our works for the judgments others give them. Why should I withhold satisfaction with my work just because I didn't get any applause?

What if I went to the gym, enrolled in a spinning class, worked my butt off, and left positively dripping from the exertion? If a seasoned biker had seen me, they might have had all sorts of pointers and directions and advice to right the things I hadn't done perfectly. And if a friend had seen me, she might have praised me for enrolling at all. But what if I simply went, got a good workout, and was proud of myself for trying something new, regardless of what anyone else thought about it?

What if I designed a website that served more as a place for me to store my online stuff than an entertaining, interactive website, and in the end was not good for a whole lot except that I'd been positively thrilled to play around with HTML and actually get a working product as a result? It might not be worth much to anyone but me, but I can give it my approval - it was something I did because I enjoyed doing it and it made my mind engage, and I am proud of the way it looks.

And in the end, my approval doesn't really matter either. It too is a means to an end of being content with myself in ways that are more directly developed by placing more value on God's view of things. In this case, I think that means that He created me with certain abilities, certain talents, and a mind that enjoys engaging in one thing over another... and so I should do them. I used to think that He made us to love doing one thing or another solely so that we could bring those talents to the table of the community of believers, making a well-rounded picture... but when I consider what (little) I've learned about His character, I think He values our OWN delight in doing things that we love, too. Do you ever sing when you're alone and enjoy it because you have musical talent? Do you ever act your heart out in front of the mirror, just because it makes you happy to wax theatrical? And when we acknowledge the fact that we have those talents at all, OR the ability to enjoy them, AND even sometimes the ability to share them, all because they are gracious gifts of God, that's when we come full circle and see the intent God had for placing passions in our hearts.

...

Maybe. ^_^

Lion King

"You have forgotten me." "No! How could I?" "You have forgotten who you are, and so, forgotten me. You are more than what you have become." I don't know about you, but I haven't seen this movie in a long time, and when I think about it, the first thing that comes to mind is "SEX" written in a bunch of flying flowers. So as I've been spending hours and hours trying to get music onto my iPod this afternoon (don't ask. suffice it to say that I have an incredible amount of patience and really ornery machinery.), I wanted some movies going on in the background and since I had not yet watched the VHS copy of Lion King that Joy gave me a while back, I thought it would be a good time. It really hit me afresh how much parallelism there is between that movie and the Christian redemption story. And then the aforementioned scene where Simba is speaking, praying, whatever, to his "heavenly father," really stood out. No, I don't forget God. How could I? His fingerprints are everywhere, constantly reminding me of His magnitude and (for lack of a better, non-Christianese word) glory. I think about Him a lot. I pray frequently throughout the day. He (and related subjects) enter my thoughts regularly. But I don't always act like I am who He says I am. I don't always treat others in ways that reflect the way I know He feels about them. Remembering Him involves acknowledging the truths He's declared about who I am and applying the truths I know about who He is to how I view my world. Deep stuff for a Disney flick. But I thought it was a good refresher.

recycled questions - new subject same story

I don't read minds. Few people do, you know. Yet all too many people will get their feelings hurt or worse because their expectations of how they should be treated or reacted to were not met. "You didn't apologize when I accused you. You didn't send me a thank you note. Well, obviously I didn't mean that - how stupid are you? Here, let me flog you for your imperfections." Who are you kidding? What satisfaction is there in an apology that is required? In appreciation that is expected? And of course you're going to be disappointed if you expect everyone to understand you all the time. "Judge not, lest ye be judged. Vengeance is Mine." Because see, then I get *my* feelings hurt because I don't feel like *I* was treated with any respect. That my mistakes, real or perceived, innocent or grievous, ought to be forgivable. I judge the other's judgment. I want to say, "You're setting yourself up for disappointment! Save yourself the agony and loosen up. No one is going to live up to those expectations." But then where is MY forgiveness? My only question is: are we dealing with "seeing clearly to remove the speck," or is it "pearls before swine"? In other words, is it worth saying anything at all when you're pretty sure the person isn't a believer? Why would a non-believer care? But if you're not positive... or if they could be won by having wisdom spoken.... And in either case, at what point, if ever, are you supposed to defend yourself? Or do you just let the person judge you, let them think what they want, hate you because you gave them no reason to think that the lies they believed about you weren't true for the sake of keeping peace/saving face? Why do I find this such a difficult lesson to learn?

fear n stuff

So I was thinking about that incident with the door slamming ghost at work.... It is very challenging to frighten a person who holds little value to anything you can take from them. If there is nothing that you hold dear, then you have nothing to lose. There is no anger, because you don't hold your reputation or rights in high value. There is no disappointment either, because you're not hoping for something so hard that you would be put out not to receive it. Which sounds fabulous, except that you then have no fear. Without any fear at all, it is all too easy to forget to need God. And what for, right? If you don't hold great value to your job, your relationships, your home, your health, your life... if He took them all away, what have you lost? Nothing that you cared about. You didn't need Him when you had them, but since you've lost nothing, you don't need Him now. "Of course we need God. We need Him for breath!" Indeed. But if you'd just as soon not have a next breath as to have it, that's not saying a whole lot. "Of course we need God. We need Him for love!" True enough. But we've already established that there's nothing that you love or to which you hold great value. And even those things that you do love, you hold them in such a way that you could release them at any moment because things like that always end up disappearing on you. "Of course we need God. We need Him for hope!" Hope for a future beyond this life, certainly. But what is that, other than a hope that this life will end in short order? "No! A hope for this life!" Well, I don't have an answer for that one, but I personally don't know this hope that you speak of. So now you're thinking, "If she doesn't turn this post around soon, somebody had better cart her off to the psych ward." Okay, okay. I'll do what I can. I've been spending my days in a place where I carve my heart out myself. Any longings are met with, "Now, stop that. Clear your mind, dwell not on such things, and rest in the peace of God." Which is great, except for the void it builds. Feeding longing with feigned peace leaves one with a chasm that threatens always to cave in on itself. Actually, I'd go so far as to suggest that peace has to be cultivated; you can't decide to be at peace. Peace can't be forced. Not really. But when you face the decision to tell yourself to pull up your bootstraps and cinch in your emotional belt another three notches so that you can no longer breathe but at least once you pass out you can't feel the hurt either... you could decide instead to remember that, whether you have hope for anything or not, whether you have passion for anything or not, whether you fear anything or not, no matter your circumstances, God is still beautiful. His goodness operates independent of your worldview, thankyouverymuch. And instead of pretending to be at peace with your pain and going for a permanent dip in denial of all the good and bad that makes you who you are, you can think about Him. Not around or under or from behind glass walls, but really looking Him in the face and remembering His personality, His character, the things that shocked you and made you smile when you first learned them. What was so surprising to me as I was exploring this idea was that it actually really worked. o_O I wasn't left with that old nagging feeling that I'm just finding a way to distract myself... it was more like I'd actually found the right answer. It was satisfying in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I still don't know what to pray about. I mean, other than the obvious, "I feel like something's wrong. Fix me!" But I'll keep the conversation going....