I'm an Introvert.

This is hardly news to me, but with all the “You might be an introvert if…” articles circulating FB right now, it’s more obvious now than ever.

And I’m actually kinda grateful for those articles.

I go to a spectacular church. But like any organization that serves multiple hundreds of people, you can’t please everyone. My church is hyper concerned (NOT a bad thing) with relationships, but this line of instruction makes no allowance for people who can’t handle more than a handful of people.

The thought of church-wide picnics, even outdoors with no walls to confine you, fills me with dread. Zumba doesn’t require interaction, so the crowd doesn’t matter if it’s not too bad, but as fun as contra-dance is, it’s hard to psych myself into going because you have to be face to face with so many people. I love going out all by myself – coffee shops, hiking trails, pool halls – no conversation required.

Suddenly it makes sense why I like “boring” jobs – introverts don’t do as well with being overstimulated. I’m not alone in feeling trapped if I don’t have an escape route when in a group. I’m not snooty for thinking small talk is a ridiculous waste of time. It’s normal for introverts to have just a few friends, and not want to be around them all the time… but to feel terribly lonely if they don’t have some best friend to share thoughts with. If I can be alone with one to three people, I’m great. But once a fourth person tags along, I’m retreating and would rather just stay home, thanks.

And here I am, writing. Another typical characteristic. If I can send you text rather than talk to you, please, oh please, may I? It’s not because I don’t like you, but rather because I DO. It’s because I HAVE something to say, which means I think it’s important, so I want to say it well! And writing lets me be analytical and thoughtful and say things the way I mean them.

I may expound on this later, but it’s time to go. I’m going to spend a few hours with a friend, her baby, and her baby-on-the-way. Good thing the husband will be home late, or else there’d be too many people in the room. ;)

It Starts with Food

I’m reading a Kindle book. I know, I know. But it was cheaper.

It’s called “It Starts with Food.” It’s about the Paleo diet – AKA eating food that’s actually good for you. Foods that actually add to your health rather than detracting from it due to unnecessary additives and processing and fake sugar and the works. And about how, if you’re eating real food that really is good for you, your body is actually able to operate at its full potential, including an increased power with which to fight disease, resist allergic reactions, recover from injuries, achieve better degrees of mental focus, and get a good night’s rest. Don't just feed your face - increase your quality of life with the food you eat. Good stuff.

I mention it because they brought up something and it struck me last night in a way that I’d never realized. Take cookies. You could eat just one… but if you don't watch it, you can eat a whole row. Somehow you’re a bottomless pit when it comes to Oreos. But you go to eat a steak and your body tells you when it’s time to stop.  Your body will let you gorge on junk food but when it comes to the stuff that’s actually good for you, it yanks the reins? What gives?

A steak has good fats, good protein, good sugars. Stuff your body needs for energy. You eat it, and it says, “Thank you very much! That should be enough to last me a while. You can stop now.”

An Oreo has bad fat, nearly no protein, and fake sugar. You eat it not because it’s good for you but because it has pleasing a psychological effect. So you eat that stuff and your body says, “This is not actually food. I haven't gotten any of the nutrients I need yet. PLEASE KEEP FEEDING ME.” And because it does play with your hormone levels and gives you a false sense of happiness, you don’t stop to reach for anything that DOES have nutrients… you grab another Oreo. Or scoop of ice cream. Or potato chip. The only thing stopping you is your stomach wall no longer being able to expand. (But if you keep it up, it WILL stretch farther next time!)

DUH! It’s so obvious. How have I never realized this before??

Conflict....

"It seems to me that we'd watch virtually all of the conflicts in our lives disappear if we let go of the lie that our opinions and feelings matter more than anyone else's...."

I posted that on Facebook a few days ago after chewing on some thoughts from the series we're going through at care group on relational conflict. It's just frustrating because, like so many things, even Christians tend to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause. Almost as an afterthought, they mentioned that it's a good idea to think twice and try to nip conflict in the bud before it turns into a fight. As if to say there's no way around starting chaotic conflict in the first place.

I'm not saying I don't have opinions. And I'm not saying I never disagree with anyone, even to the point of frustration! But... I don't insist on getting my way. And I don't have those kinds of conflicts. It never gets to that point. It never gets out of control, y'know? Conflict doesn't HAVE to be unavoidable! Especially the kind that causes relational DAMAGE!

I think it's interesting too - my statement on FB isn't overtly Christian. It's just logic. It's just true. Which is how Christianity IS - it's never nonsense rules and regulations but sensible aids to make our lives and relationships better and more fulfilling. That's not to say it's not also true that as Christians we have additional reasons to love - we have a bigger picture and a bigger God to be distracted by. Just like a non-Christian couple can have an incredibly satisfying, lifelong marriage if they choose to practice humility and patience, but Christians have even more reasons to fight together rather than in opposition to one another.

Still, there's a difference in my mind between having truths to remind yourself of... and being in a place where you don't HAVE to be reminded because the truths you know have changed your default reactions to your world. You don't get angry and then keep it in check... you just don't get angry. You don't act spitefully and then ask for forgiveness... you just act out of love. Your first response to disrespect is gentleness rather than indignation.

I'm certainly not suggesting I've "made it" anywhere. But I do see progress. I do see improvement. And I see a need to dig deeper rather than taking it for granted that we'll never get over certain things. You always hear that "Only God can change the heart" but do we acknowledge that such change also takes a lot of cooperation, hard work, humility, thinking, and persistence on our part? I wonder sometimes if we truly act like the heart can be changed at all, or if we've merely resigned ourselves to treating symptoms....

creative movement

That's my favorite phrase to describe an upcoming relocation of my worldly possessions, most commonly from one abode to another. Because it's never just packing boxes into vehicles... it's using creativity to decide where the items INSIDE those boxes will be moved TO. The living room? The closet? The bookshelf? How will it all look when it's done? Hopefully more organized than the last time....

I'm getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. It'll be the largest space I've ever had all to myself before. I'm stoked. I've been cramped for years... in fact, it's quite safe to say that I've never known what it is to have too much space to my name. I'm about to! But haven't been there yet.

I have this impression that my life will suddenly become amazing, not to feel cramped. That I'll be less restricted in mind as well as body. That I'll be less distracted, less frustrated, more able to let loose and create and keep house. I picture myself being more at peace with the world once my living situation is rid of its angst and confusion. No doubt there is SOMEthing to the idea, and feng shui masters would probably attribute a great deal of my discontent to my living situation.

But as excited as I am, I'm worried that I'm wrong. That I've set an undue amount of worth on this idea and that my mindset will actually change very little if at all.

I was witnessed to recently by a Wiccan who was very concerned about my freedom in life. I was told that, for my own sake and the quality of my life and happiness, I needed to abandon religion and God and be free. It was a tragic idea because a relationship with God is all about freedom. And yet as I sit here, I don't feel free. I feel trapped. Not by rules or religion or anything like that... but inside my head, with fears and insecurities and disappointments the impenetrable walls around me. I get lonely but the feeling I get when I'm around people is worse than the loneliness. I desperately want to have someone to love, but that seems to be its own sentence because I know full well how poor I am at even loving myself and ought not to be trusted with the heart of another. I can't stop to smell the roses because I forget what I was doing, lose all steam, am immediately overcome with weariness of soul and can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just end up wasting my evening staring at the computer....

It's raining tonight. Just a very gentle spattering on the pavement outside my window on the pavement below. I need it to drench my heart, loosen the kinks and calm the waves. I need the flow of the water to show me where the rocks of pride are that are forever tripping me up. I need peace.

mmmm

Mountains and rain drops. I couldn't help myself.