What do you want to do?

I don't know. My brain feels like it's composed of frightened butterflies. A million things, a million thoughts, none of them stopping long enough to land. I write... and reread... and literally cannot decide whether what I've written is coherent or not. Those two long posts I wrote yesterday? Might be complete bs and I wouldn't know it. Please tell me, will you? Today was Easter Sunday. You're supposed to dress up for Easter Sunday. Someone said that once, and I couldn't shake the idea this morning. I ended up making a mess of my closet, trying on so many different outfits, all the while thinking, "What a horrible waste. I want to go to CCR, get my coffee, and have quiet time. It's Easter. I want to take time to remember why it's a holiday. And here I am worrying about what I'm wearing." In the end, I finally decided on something that may or may not have actually gone together, but was black and dark purple... not exactly Easter-y. I got to CCR and it was closed for the holiday, so I had to backtrack and get my drink at Starbucks. By the time I sat down, I had only half an hour... and to my horror, never could find wonder at the miracle of a God who died to save me. Wait, what? It was as though I was a small person standing at a magnificent fortress of stone. I didn't have to tear the whole thing down... I just had to find a gap. A hole big enough to crawl through. Even a peep hole would have held me over... just enough to look inside. But all my clawing did was to scrape off a few little bits of moss that had begun to grow on the surface of the wall. I've been amazed by God's grace before, but I don't know that I've ever once really tried to conjure it up - consciously and without the aid of music or a sermon, decide to look and be awed. Or if I have, never sincerely enough to get discouraged by my inability. Until today. Today I walked into church feeling like a woman coming home to her husband on their anniversary, unable even to fake an appreciation for the significance of the day. I ran away to Paris Mountain afterwards. It didn't surprise me that I was unable to do any thinking, but I convinced myself that it would be "good for my soul" to get outside. Or at least for my heart muscle. The prayers that I offered all felt like unfinished sentences, interrupted by more unfinished sentences, interrupted by silence and the heavy breathing that accompanies the exertion required to climb a mountain. After the walk, I didn't even bother with the unsettledness that had been plaguing me all day. My afternoon was filled with grocery shopping, laundry, putting new sheets on the bed, looking for job opportunities, a few games of Spider Solitaire while watching Good Will Hunting, hence the blog title, and being mildly irritated that I can keep neither my internet nor my mouse connected. I didn't even want to watch a movie, but it seemed like it might distract me enough to get something done. Not that there's anything I want to do, but I feel less guilty when I can tell myself I'm getting something done. Then I pulled up a "New Weblog Entry" and started typing. It's occurred to me, as I've been composing this text, that it's okay. It's not the end of my relationship with God just because my brain is dysfunctional. He's forgiven me in the past for not even bothering to TRY to appreciate for myself this celebration... I'm actually improving, in that sense. Maybe. But I think His love superseded my nonchalance: when I walked in the door, I don't think He looked at my blank expression, turned around in a huff, and angrily put away the beautiful dinner He'd prepared in honor of the day. In the midst of my scattered brain and tears and shame, I'm pretty sure we still ate together. I kind of picked at my food and was generally a mess of distraction, but we ate together. He is risen. And to this day, He is yet living... AND active. He is good.

One day at a time.

Last Sunday, Matt (church pastor) surprised me twice. I'm in the new members class (>_<) and we talked about theology last week. He said we are all theologians. That we're all supposed to be searching the Scriptures and learning about God's character. Learning more from Scripture itself than we do from music, from theological books, from Sunday morning teaching... God's Word is our most important source for learning about Him. Now, did I know that already? Sure. I went to Bible college, for crying out loud. Of course I knew that I'm supposed to be a practicing theologian. But... I guess it makes me feel like a rebel. Questioning everything, looking at things from a different or unintended (but not invalid) view than was preached, trying to make more sense of things than I'm getting by sitting in the pew. Won't I get in trouble for that? For not just accepting what I hear and ignoring the stuff that doesn't jive? No... actually, I won't. At least not with anyone who really matters. Then I went into church and he closed the sermon by saying that we're going to start reading through the Bible together as a church, using a standardized Bible reading plan. We're starting in the middle of April, rather than January 1. Well, okay, the OCD in me is slightly bothered by that, but I'll get over it. Then he says, out loud, from the pulpit, that if you miss a day, two days, a week, don't sweat it. Do not feel like you have to read two, three, eight times as much the next day. Just start with the next day. Sure, if you have time and want to, please, go ahead and read what you missed. But if not, it'll still be there next year; the canon is pretty much fixed by this point. Again, I know that. If you miss a day and give up because you get overwhelmed by guilt and a feeling of trying to catch up, you've really missed out on an opportunity to accept forgiveness for your mistake and grow in perseverance by just pressing on. But... did he just say that out loud? Like, in front of the whole congregation? Just... let it slide?? How helpful. How freeing! I know it's true, and I've been learning to do it, but it still always feels like I'm cheating to give myself that freedom just to pass it over and enjoy the gift of a new chance (no strings attached) the next day. We all wanna be legalists. Let's be radical and forgive ourselves.

impossible without the journey

If a fat person tells you a certain diet works, you might possibly be disinclined to believe him. But if you've known this person for the years that he's been on this diet and seen his battle with depression and compulsive eating disorders... seen the weight that he did indeed lose, only to gain some of it back because he did not practice the self-control necessary to follow the diet perfectly... you might take his word a little differently. The truth is still true, even if it's not immediately evidenced in the person telling it. I'll tell you in a second that water is good for you. That you need it. That drinking more water will make you feel better, sleep better, eat better, the whole deal. Good stuff. But I don't feel great, sleep all that well, or eat as sensibly as I should. Does that mean that water's not good for you? Of course not. It just means that I'm not taking full advantage of its benefits; I myself am not drinking enough water. Think about this, too: you won't suddenly get healthy by drinking 8 cups of water today. In fact, it might keep you UP (and running to the bathroom) rather than helping you sleep. And you won't lose much weight if you follow that guy's diet for only a day or even a week. Getting a massage might feel really good right now, but the benefits are more pronounced and last longer when you're faithfully going once or twice a month. In fact, a good massage might not feel all that great, if it's been a long time since you've relaxed. Here's my point: It's good to be a Christian. Proverbs 9:10 - when you know God, everything else makes more sense. (my paraphrase... but is that not what it's saying?) Follow His commands because all of them were set up so that life would be better for following them, either by avoiding problems altogether or by having the wisdom to deal with the problems that come with a sinful world. If you spend time reading Scripture and studying the character of God and communing with Him, if you cultivate relationships* with people who remind you of God (in their words and/or character) and draw your attention back to Him, if you have the humility to persevere and keep "fighting the good fight" when you're not seeing any results, you WILL see results. You might not see them today. Prayer is not an instant cure-all. Not everyone gets 180 degree turnaround salvation stories and miraculous healings from illness or sin. Many times the end result would be impossible without the journey. But there will be an end. And if I know anything at all, I know that it will be an end worth fighting for. Following Christ actively is like drinking water. You can live for a long time without it, filling yourself instead with soda and coffee and beer, but you won't be healthy. You'll feel crappy. And if I find out that you're abstaining from the most necessary thing in life, I'd be guilty of neglect and essential hatred not to tell you about the alternative. You might not even know what you're missing, but you'd see it real quick if you tried it. And maybe it'll get old after a while. Maybe you won't feel like drinking any water one day, and then the next, for the next few weeks, months, years. But hey, water's cheap, and God's forgiveness is offered at no cost to us. You just have to drink. A little at a time. By all means, don't proclaim that you're going to drink a gallon on the first day and give up because you never poured the first glass. You know the truth, and it will still be true tomorrow. Just pick it up again and keep going. I will tell you these things. I will continue to be convinced of them until I'm blue in the face and you've long since stopped listening. Because I know it's true. I've seen it. Am I full of joy? Am I seeing an abundance of fruit in my life? Am I holier than thou? No. No, I'm not any of those things. But keep in mind, I am weak, half-hearted, and self-absorbed, too. I'm a compulsive eater of the HFCS laden junk food that the world offers to souls hungry for the Bread of Life. I myself am not doing all I need to do in order to take full advantage of the benefits of fighting to walk as a Christian. Still, I've seen it work; I've experienced it firsthand, and I know it to be true. I am better off, even on my bad days, for the God-centered relationships that I have, for the dependence I've cultivated on prayer, for the days I go to church when I really don't want to. So by sharing what I know, I'm reminding myself of what I'm prone to forget, too. Should I wait until I've got it all down before I tell you what I know to be true? By no means. It might be difficult for you to hear me out, but there are no perfect counselors. The people who know best what they're talking about might well be the ones who are still fighting to make it real in their own lives. They're IN it. What they've learned is fresh. "I've been there. Let me tell you what works for me. Now, I don't always remember to do this myself, but it always works when I do...." * This is easily done in a good church where you have lots of peers that you can build relationships with. However, let me be quick to argue that I don't think a formal meeting place and time are needed in order not to "forsake meeting together with believers." The problem is only when you forego that input altogether - if you don't have fellow believers driving you to Christ, you're in for a rough journey.

"Don't go! I NEED you!"

[AKA: bunny trail soapbox] Aw, so romantic. To have the man or woman of your dreams confess that they don't just like you, want you, or love you, they NEED you. You are their sunshine, their only sunshine! Yeah, it sounds good... but did it ever nag at you? That whole, "The only thing we need is God!" problem. Also, what about when I start failing to meet that need? And take God, for example. He loves me, right? But if anyone ever did NOT need me, it would be God. He loves me. He wants me. He pursues me. But He doesn't need me. And in human circles, this idea of being wanted (not "needed") carries with it a feeling that since I'm not kept around due to the fact that I can meet a need... indeed, I can never fully meet anyone's needs... but because I'm liked for who I am, there's less chance of getting abandoned. I'm not going to epic fail and disappoint and crush the other person if I don't measure up. I kinda like it. It's not as romantic, or exciting, or fuzzy, but I kinda like it. Sometimes it seems like Christianity makes a big deal of deromanticizing life... tearing down the dreams and crushing the flowers and biting the bullets "for the sake of the glory of God and a more Godly future"... but maybe all the things that we view as romantical have sin at the root anyway. So... needs? We like feeling needed. We like it even though we know it's wrong. You can make an idol (care more about it than you do about loving God) out of being needed. You can make an idol out of serving - again, because it makes you feel needed. Or out of the fuzzy feeling you get when you know you've served "selflessly." Except it wasn't selfless because you were doing it for the feelings you get out of it. But wait... isn't that what we were told to do? When you tell someone you're depressed and they tell you to go serve in the church, get your mind off of yourself by thinking about someone else's problems, invest in someone else's life and you will reap the rewards of joy... isn't that just asking for it?? Translation: act lovingly and you will learn to actually love. Choose to act lovingly for a while and you will learn to act out of love more naturally and easily. Choose to love as a means to learning how to love better, more selflessly. "Just do it; the feelings and desire to keep doing it will come later." Isn't that how habits are formed? Indeed. But is that a good habit to form? Really? The reason we make idols out of serving is because... an idol is what it always was. We went into it thinking, "I'll cheer up" or "I'll meet new people" or "I'll satisfy this craving to feel like I'm doing something that's worth something to someone." It's all about ME and what I need. You're "serving," yes, but yourself, most of all. Is this just me? Am I rambling to a crowd that figured this breakdown of logic ten years ago? This whole, "You are supposed to serve because God told you so, and you're depressed, so go help somebody for your own benefit" concept that has a total disconnect for me because serving out of love for God and serving for my own gain are incompatible... has no one else ever struggled with this? I mean, okay, sure, it might get you into the serving crowd and get you to where you can actually serve because you enjoy doing it... but do you enjoy doing it for the right reasons? Did you just dig yourself a self-serving hole? It's the same problem I have with having an accountability partner - if my reason for choosing not to sin is merely because I don't want to have to tell someone about it later, I might eventually beat the sin in question... but aren't I cultivating fear of man in the meantime? And at the end of the day, I think back on all the serving that I did and it seems discolored. I might have gotten a lot out of it, and "I couldn't do it without God's strength," but did I really do it for Him? This should probably have been more than one post, but I have one more thing that kinda ties in: I think I've always thought of the greatest commandment as two separate entities. You love God and you love your neighbor. And I get that you can't love your neighbor without first having a love for God, and I get that if you love God it is only logical that you would love your neighbor, because that's what He does. "Taking care of what He loves, because I love Him." And yeah, the strength to do anything, including and especially love other sinners, can only come from God. Got it. *check* But that logical part... it is what doesn't come naturally. The love for others that comes not as a separate effort apart from loving God but simply because I DO love God. Getting that concept to get from my head to my heart and out my fingers is a long time in coming, at least for me. tl;dr (BIG time): Maybe it's too much to assume that we're all going to make a smooth transition from "I will choose to serve because it makes me feel good/I want to meet people/I need to feel needed" to "I actually like serving now. So now I will do it as a natural reaction to the fact that I love God!"