Memory Lane

Have you ever been? It's near Charleston. I saw it when I was on my way down to see my brother graduate from Marine boot camp. I meant to take a walk down it on my way back, but didn't get a chance.

I was just checking out some of my old posts - 2008. Funny - the first one I went to was about not judging people when you don't know all the circumstances, LOL.

It's interesting how much a person can change in three and a half years, and how obvious those changes are by the way they write. I'd just moved to Greenville, still working at The Spa. And I wrote. A LOT.

I felt things. A great many MORE things, as well as in different ways. I was innocent to a lot of things, and ignorant as well. There are things I understood then that I've lost sight of... and there are things that I've wrapped my head around now that I just couldn't, back then.

For a long time, I could see it just beyond my reach that there were expectations that a person could mature to the point that the truths we repeat to ourselves do finally change the way we think rather than leaving us to forever make the mistakes before we remember what we know. Now I sit in the church sanctuary amidst all the people I previously saw as having already "arrived" at that stage of "enlightenment" if you will only to see continued struggles with the basic principles of "God knows what He's doing." I very much appreciated this past week's sermon - not because I needed to hear it, but because it seems that I never hear it from anyone else and it was encouraging to know I wasn't the only one who thinks of God that way.

I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to close this post, but I can't think of anything brilliant. Here. Have a picture.

"Learn how to f*ing drive!!!"

This cheery greeting was pronounced to me through the passenger side window of a large red van when I was almost home today.

The light at the exit that I take to get home is really brief, so while the right hand left turn lane is the one I SHOULD have been in, I have in the past had no trouble getting where I needed to go by taking the left hand left turn lane and merging afterwards. So I got off the interstate and made my turn. There was a gap in the lane where I needed to be, with a red light ahead - everyone would be slowing down anyway. I turned on my blinker and merged.

The aforementioned red van sped up to tailgating me in about half a second's time, swerved around, and its passenger screamed profanities at me while they sat at the red light and I made the right-on-red turn onto my street.

It's interesting. Neither of the guys (to my knowledge) have ever watched me drive in the past. I made a split second decision that seemed appropriate at the time, and such decisions are not always best, but everyone makes them whether their standard style of driving is poor or excellent. But because of that two second observation, this stranger was filled with rage and presumptions that I had no understanding of how to operate my vehicle.

It sounds stupid, doesn't it? But then again, we all do it, don't we?

It probably happens most often in traffic, but it happens in the grocery store, at school, the rage wells up when we see that the roommate or spouse or child didn't clean up after their breakfast.... But think about them for a second. You never know what kind of day the "thoughtless" person was having. What painful situations might have them distracted. Whether you were simply in the blind spot of that guy who cut you off. Whether the roommate has been kicking herself all day for forgetting to put the dishes away. This is what I was talking about the other day - most people aren't intentionally rude, and when they are, why get upset over it? But we do! Why ruin your OWN day with such a negative attitude?

I'm actually really struggling through today. It would have been nice if I hadn't gotten yelled at on my way home. But I hope that guy's day gets better - his must have been a doozy.

Working up to mustard seed faith?

"And I will wait to find if this will last forever... And I will pay no mind when it won't, and it won't, cuz it can't." John Mayer

I like to search for truth among those who don't believe in Truth because the best of them tend to be brutally honest about the way things are. They'll tell you there ARE answers to the hard questions. Take their answers for what they are, and discard them if they're lacking truth, but don't let misguided ideas keep you from searching.

Believers, on the other hand, are often too afraid of being exposed... of finding themselves grounded on shallow tradition rather than on something solid. By shying away from the darker side of life, they sell God shamefully short.

These thoughts are brought to you today by the all around great experience of a killer hike up a beautiful Paris Mountain on an early fall Saturday morning. Who thinks I'll manage to get out there more often if I go ahead and get the year-long membership? *raises hand*

The Quiet of a Lonesome Heart

Okay, so maybe I lied. I probably would not ask C.S. Lewis for coffee if he were still alive and I passed him on the street. I mean, maybe. In a fit of insanity. That's not to say I wouldn't love to be a fly on the wall while he shared drinks and smokes with anyone of sound mind, but I'd fear I'd have nothing to add to a one on one conversation....

I've done my workout video. Stinky and sticky, I probably shouldn't do laundry, but I did anyway. Angels and Airwaves is still playing in the other room - I've done the workout so many times that I put on something else to listen to while I follow a silent television. I think I was going to post a lyric from this album, but I forget which one now.

Oh. That was the last song. The apartment is quiet now except for the clicking of the washer and the neighbor's dog outside my window. And the hum of some-crazy-body's air conditioning running. COMPLETELY unnecessary on a night like this.

Don't get me wrong! I really like coming home to a quiet home, deserted but for my beloved Marie, who sits in my open window grooming herself, as we speak. But it can make for a lonesome heart.

There was a time when I answered my complaint of "I just want someone special! To cook for, to clean for, to love on." with "Well, that's a sure sign, isn't it? You need to make a friend, serve a family in the church, get involved, LOVE ON some people there." But I don't think it's that simple because it's not that kind of desire. It's not simply that I want to give myself to random people who I may or may not ever see again, though there is a time for that too. It's a desire for one soul to invest in... one soul that receives it (and we all know *I* am very poor at this....) and reciprocates and will join me in the quiet peace of a home (the experience can't be captured in a common social meeting) where love is spoken with or without words. I KNOW it can be. And to go completely off blaring my own horn, I think I could share that kind of love with someone. Sometimes I get to thinking I have a lot to give... this deep chasm filled with homeless love... which is no good because then I get discouraged over having no one to give it all to.

But then someone will say, "Well, shoot! Give ME a shot!" And... well, that's not that simple either. There are a scarce few I can trust easily, and without trust, there can be no love. Or so they say. Or they say it like "There is no fear in love," and an inability to trust is kind of like fear. I've seen trust built, against my will, over time... but it's extremely difficult. I invariably sabotage my own game.

Still. We will always have the poor with us. Those needing love. If for no better reason, I should practice on them.

But hope. Where is hope? I don't want to leave you without any. Um... tomorrow's Friday! Also, I bought a new coffee maker because the hand-me-down one I have didn't seem to be able to get hot enough, so I get a brand new pot of coffee in the morning. Unfortunately that doesn't offer YOU any hope, but it makes ME happy! But mostly I would leave you with this: an old friend used to say, "If it were good for me, I would have it." You don't get to know why so many things YOU deem good are beyond your reach, but you can rest assured that you DO have what you need for this season, even if it's strenuous and painful training. Remembering that a loving God won't give you the things you want if they're not what you need (read: to have them would be NOT to have the lack that you DO need) won't fix loneliness, but it just might fix your gaze on something more important.

"Spread love like violence." That was the lyric. A good motto, I think. Much better than "Ohhhh poor me."

"What This World Needs" by Casting Crowns

"People aren't confused by the gospel

they're confused by us.

Jesus is the only way to God, but we are not the only way to Jesus.

This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, my denomination, or my translation of the Bible. They just need Jesus.

We can be passionate about what we believe, but we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel,

because we are slowing it down.

Jesus is going to save the world,

but maybe the best thing we can do is just get out of the way. "

I really like this. Like, a lot, a lot. Like, I won't usually touch Christian music with a ten foot pole and yet this "bridge" if you will almost makes me cry. I found this when I was trying to find the words online, and thought it'd be good to reference it for an opposing viewpoint. Personally though, I think it's kind of fantastic.

The world is very confused by Christians, I think. By the hypocrisy and the back stabbing and the senseless adherence to tradition. Why is it so hard to put the truths we've heard since our youth into real life? Why is it so hard for so many to trust God or live without being paralyzed by guilt over sin? If we could collectively fix that one thing ALONE and just live in the joy of the freedom that Christ's sacrifice bought us, what a difference it would make. Maybe then we'd actually look different. Certainly we wouldn't be so concerned about the trivialities that make us look like a bunch of three year olds who can't get along with our own siblings....

When will we learn to love? It's not rocket science... it's just good wisdom. Not even the kind that is hidden from the hearts of the unsaved... this is "common grace" kind of wisdom. And when we have so much more reason to love... why don't we? Why are the ones who should be the most grateful acting the most self important?

"It feels like the church isn't anything more than the second coming of the pharisees...." Andrew Peterson