That's my favorite phrase to describe an upcoming relocation of my worldly possessions, most commonly from one abode to another. Because it's never just packing boxes into vehicles... it's using creativity to decide where the items INSIDE those boxes will be moved TO. The living room? The closet? The bookshelf? How will it all look when it's done? Hopefully more organized than the last time....
I'm getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. It'll be the largest space I've ever had all to myself before. I'm stoked. I've been cramped for years... in fact, it's quite safe to say that I've never known what it is to have too much space to my name. I'm about to! But haven't been there yet.
I have this impression that my life will suddenly become amazing, not to feel cramped. That I'll be less restricted in mind as well as body. That I'll be less distracted, less frustrated, more able to let loose and create and keep house. I picture myself being more at peace with the world once my living situation is rid of its angst and confusion. No doubt there is SOMEthing to the idea, and feng shui masters would probably attribute a great deal of my discontent to my living situation.
But as excited as I am, I'm worried that I'm wrong. That I've set an undue amount of worth on this idea and that my mindset will actually change very little if at all.
I was witnessed to recently by a Wiccan who was very concerned about my freedom in life. I was told that, for my own sake and the quality of my life and happiness, I needed to abandon religion and God and be free. It was a tragic idea because a relationship with God is all about freedom. And yet as I sit here, I don't feel free. I feel trapped. Not by rules or religion or anything like that... but inside my head, with fears and insecurities and disappointments the impenetrable walls around me. I get lonely but the feeling I get when I'm around people is worse than the loneliness. I desperately want to have someone to love, but that seems to be its own sentence because I know full well how poor I am at even loving myself and ought not to be trusted with the heart of another. I can't stop to smell the roses because I forget what I was doing, lose all steam, am immediately overcome with weariness of soul and can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just end up wasting my evening staring at the computer....
It's raining tonight. Just a very gentle spattering on the pavement outside my window on the pavement below. I need it to drench my heart, loosen the kinks and calm the waves. I need the flow of the water to show me where the rocks of pride are that are forever tripping me up. I need peace.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
church soapbox
I promised myself I was going to be a more consistent blogger this year. Sorry, self....
I just attended "The Very Last Next. For Now." (inside joke, lol) this past weekend. It was on the subject of the church. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time whatsoever, you might have already guessed I had mixed feelings about THAT being the topic of a week long church service.
I'm a Christian. My decisions revolve around my relationship with God, revering Him, and reveling in what He reveals to me about life more abundant. I have Christian parents. I even have a few Christian friends. And I attend church 40-something weeks out of the year. I go because I've found a church that offers sound doctrine on the stuff I consider to be "of most importance," the music is both meaningful and enjoyable (not the most common combination), and people who are better than average at being real, welcoming, and lovers of God. But the topic of "the local church" gets me on my soapbox faster than just about anything else, and not in a way that paints it favorably.
Perhaps it's that it's portrayed as being simple. So long as you attend and humble yourself enough to pursue people who may or may not be pursuing you, and convince them to build deep and meaningful friendships with you, and are serving and being involved in the church services and events, and sign on the dotted line to become a member, you should have a strong Christian walk. Lose those things, and you will surely fail.
Each member of my family, my college experience, and many friends are testimony to the fact that it's simply not that simple.
Don't hear what I'm not saying. I've seen people struggle through very difficult spiritual times where they needed a strong brother or sister to be at their side, and because they didn't have it, they lost the battle for years at a time. Cultivating the humility to serve and to be open with strangers is healthy and good for the heart. Having friends serve as a mirror can be extremely helpful if they have the humility to say something, you have the humility to listen, and you had been avoiding the one in your bathroom. It's even true for some that if you sign on the dotted line, it's like signing a marriage contract, and it frees them to commit fully where they would have made excuses and been unfaithful otherwise.
I've just never been one of those people.
No doubt it's due in part to being an introvert. One of the speakers this past weekend spoke of the "summer from hell" where he was doing research in a dream-come-true scenario but with no connection to the outside world while doing it. No friends. And he was MISERABLE. And I sat there thinking... EVERY summer was like that for me. I sat at home and did cross stitch or rode my bike or watched movies or read... there were no friends in my summers. Or my winters for that matter. Springs and autumns weren't great either. Some people react differently to... people.
I also like to think of myself as a thinking person. Analytical, contemplative, slightly above average intelligence according to my standing in high school (although I attended private Christian school, and that might bump my placing up somewhat...). If you are already capable of searching your heart, finding weaknesses and watching for them in your life with the intention of growing in those areas... if you read texts written by and take advantage of the great minds of the faith... if you commune with God and seek His face and input into your life... you have singlehandedly taken care of many of the reasons why "they" will tell you you have to have Christian friends. At your local church. Where you ARE a member.
Is it that I'm so rare that they don't think it's even worth mentioning? Or is it that they're afraid of admitting that there are exceptions because they think people will assume they're the exception and stop meeting with the brethren?
What irks me too is whenever I approach someone - spiritual leaders in the church - they never seem to hear me. What I'm saying is outside the realm of possibility in their minds, and so they either reinterpret what I've said or they discount it as pride or ignorance or even a sign that I might be drifting from God. And they respond accordingly - with care, but with advice and truths that have nothing at all to do with what I approached them about. I'm left feeling like I have no powers of communication, beaten into the ground, and still wishing someone would.....
What IS it that I want? What am I hoping to hear? What is the question?
Maybe I just want someone to tell me I'm not crazy. Y'know, to have one of those people who praise the necessity of wrapping your life around the church to say, "Sure, I can see how that would work for some people."
In the same way that a marriage contract is just a piece of paper - good only to make breaking the promise expensive to those who don't respect it, and good for nothing to those who would have remained faithful even without it - I'd propose that the cut and dried standards they so rigidly set forth as the formula for a prosperous spiritual life ought to be seen as helpful ideas rather than the ten commandments. You won't go wrong if you follow their instructions... but neither will you necessarily go wrong if you have your primary fellowship with believers who don't attend the same place you do on Sundays, if you spend time with C.S. Lewis in coffee shops rather than going to the church ice skating party, if you occasionally skip church to spend time in prayer by the waterfalls, if you spend time with people who teach you about God's love and wisdom and abundant life even though they don't have a relationship with Him. Truth is truth.
Having a church service every Sunday morning was a great idea. We DO need to charge our batteries, get challenged, be reminded of the centrality of our relationship with God. Very helpful stuff. And if you can find a good friend who'll mentor you, hey, more power to you. But while I'm sure pride factors into my frustration, it also causes me great concern whenever ideals are preached as standard and required. It breeds guilt in the weak, or else anger or discouragement.
At the end of a weekend where the message was, "You NEED to make the church the center of your life!" (wait, I thought that was supposed to be God?) they addressed what was probably the vast majority of the crowd - those who "might feel discouraged" by the fact that these ideals were nothing like their own experiences. And that they should not lose hope because God is all we NEED. Wait, what? Double standard, much? The answer I walked away with, the solution that balanced it all out for me, was that God IS all we need. Period. And regardless of what they might preach about involvement in the church, I can rest in the assurance that God loves me. And that His love is all I need because if I DO have any needs that could be provided by relationships in the church, He will provide those relationships. Because HE loves ME. And His love is strong enough to make sure I lack no good thing. If you're honestly living your life in an attempt to honor God as far as your understanding of Scripture and wisdom go, then no one should ask more of you.
If it were good for me, I would have it. And that's enough to wipe all guilt and worry away.
I just attended "The Very Last Next. For Now." (inside joke, lol) this past weekend. It was on the subject of the church. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time whatsoever, you might have already guessed I had mixed feelings about THAT being the topic of a week long church service.
I'm a Christian. My decisions revolve around my relationship with God, revering Him, and reveling in what He reveals to me about life more abundant. I have Christian parents. I even have a few Christian friends. And I attend church 40-something weeks out of the year. I go because I've found a church that offers sound doctrine on the stuff I consider to be "of most importance," the music is both meaningful and enjoyable (not the most common combination), and people who are better than average at being real, welcoming, and lovers of God. But the topic of "the local church" gets me on my soapbox faster than just about anything else, and not in a way that paints it favorably.Perhaps it's that it's portrayed as being simple. So long as you attend and humble yourself enough to pursue people who may or may not be pursuing you, and convince them to build deep and meaningful friendships with you, and are serving and being involved in the church services and events, and sign on the dotted line to become a member, you should have a strong Christian walk. Lose those things, and you will surely fail.
Each member of my family, my college experience, and many friends are testimony to the fact that it's simply not that simple.
Don't hear what I'm not saying. I've seen people struggle through very difficult spiritual times where they needed a strong brother or sister to be at their side, and because they didn't have it, they lost the battle for years at a time. Cultivating the humility to serve and to be open with strangers is healthy and good for the heart. Having friends serve as a mirror can be extremely helpful if they have the humility to say something, you have the humility to listen, and you had been avoiding the one in your bathroom. It's even true for some that if you sign on the dotted line, it's like signing a marriage contract, and it frees them to commit fully where they would have made excuses and been unfaithful otherwise.
I've just never been one of those people.
No doubt it's due in part to being an introvert. One of the speakers this past weekend spoke of the "summer from hell" where he was doing research in a dream-come-true scenario but with no connection to the outside world while doing it. No friends. And he was MISERABLE. And I sat there thinking... EVERY summer was like that for me. I sat at home and did cross stitch or rode my bike or watched movies or read... there were no friends in my summers. Or my winters for that matter. Springs and autumns weren't great either. Some people react differently to... people.
I also like to think of myself as a thinking person. Analytical, contemplative, slightly above average intelligence according to my standing in high school (although I attended private Christian school, and that might bump my placing up somewhat...). If you are already capable of searching your heart, finding weaknesses and watching for them in your life with the intention of growing in those areas... if you read texts written by and take advantage of the great minds of the faith... if you commune with God and seek His face and input into your life... you have singlehandedly taken care of many of the reasons why "they" will tell you you have to have Christian friends. At your local church. Where you ARE a member.
Is it that I'm so rare that they don't think it's even worth mentioning? Or is it that they're afraid of admitting that there are exceptions because they think people will assume they're the exception and stop meeting with the brethren?
What irks me too is whenever I approach someone - spiritual leaders in the church - they never seem to hear me. What I'm saying is outside the realm of possibility in their minds, and so they either reinterpret what I've said or they discount it as pride or ignorance or even a sign that I might be drifting from God. And they respond accordingly - with care, but with advice and truths that have nothing at all to do with what I approached them about. I'm left feeling like I have no powers of communication, beaten into the ground, and still wishing someone would.....
What IS it that I want? What am I hoping to hear? What is the question?
Maybe I just want someone to tell me I'm not crazy. Y'know, to have one of those people who praise the necessity of wrapping your life around the church to say, "Sure, I can see how that would work for some people."
In the same way that a marriage contract is just a piece of paper - good only to make breaking the promise expensive to those who don't respect it, and good for nothing to those who would have remained faithful even without it - I'd propose that the cut and dried standards they so rigidly set forth as the formula for a prosperous spiritual life ought to be seen as helpful ideas rather than the ten commandments. You won't go wrong if you follow their instructions... but neither will you necessarily go wrong if you have your primary fellowship with believers who don't attend the same place you do on Sundays, if you spend time with C.S. Lewis in coffee shops rather than going to the church ice skating party, if you occasionally skip church to spend time in prayer by the waterfalls, if you spend time with people who teach you about God's love and wisdom and abundant life even though they don't have a relationship with Him. Truth is truth.
Having a church service every Sunday morning was a great idea. We DO need to charge our batteries, get challenged, be reminded of the centrality of our relationship with God. Very helpful stuff. And if you can find a good friend who'll mentor you, hey, more power to you. But while I'm sure pride factors into my frustration, it also causes me great concern whenever ideals are preached as standard and required. It breeds guilt in the weak, or else anger or discouragement.
At the end of a weekend where the message was, "You NEED to make the church the center of your life!" (wait, I thought that was supposed to be God?) they addressed what was probably the vast majority of the crowd - those who "might feel discouraged" by the fact that these ideals were nothing like their own experiences. And that they should not lose hope because God is all we NEED. Wait, what? Double standard, much? The answer I walked away with, the solution that balanced it all out for me, was that God IS all we need. Period. And regardless of what they might preach about involvement in the church, I can rest in the assurance that God loves me. And that His love is all I need because if I DO have any needs that could be provided by relationships in the church, He will provide those relationships. Because HE loves ME. And His love is strong enough to make sure I lack no good thing. If you're honestly living your life in an attempt to honor God as far as your understanding of Scripture and wisdom go, then no one should ask more of you.
If it were good for me, I would have it. And that's enough to wipe all guilt and worry away.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
*sigh*
It's never too late. I get it. 40, 60 year old first timers.
But when do you stop hearing, "Oh, you still have plenty of time!" and get someone who understands?
"You're almost 30 and you're not even dating? Uff. I'm sorry, friend....
But when do you stop hearing, "Oh, you still have plenty of time!" and get someone who understands?
"You're almost 30 and you're not even dating? Uff. I'm sorry, friend....
I know that stings."
Saturday, March 31, 2012
bad guys and good guys
Have you ever noticed that you tend to compartmentalize people into bad guys and good guys? I hope someone else out there does... or else I'll REALLY feel like a bad guy!Every story you hear seems to portray people in this way - David and Goliath, Jesus and the Pharisees, Cinderella and the Step Mother, John Preston and Father, the Jews and Hitler. The good guys usually have some sort of flaw, but the bad guys are just BAD.
Life don't work that way. I'd like to propose that people mostly think they're doing the right thing as they do it, or at least that what wrong they're doing is excusable because it's one of the the least evil options that will let them get their own way... they don't acknowledge evil actions as "evil" so much as "well... but this is what's best for ME." Or think about Hitler from Hitler's perspective. Didn't he think he was doing the right thing for his country and humanity? I'd argue that few people do evil things that they regard as inherently evil, for the sake of doing something evil, because they enjoy hurting people. Most people are much too preoccupied with themselves and how to make themselves feel good to worry about how it'll affect someone else - for good or bad.
I try to believe the best about people. That they didn't know what they were doing or it was an accident or they were just having a bad day. This can mean I spend a LOT of time thinking about the actions of others for the sake of viewing it in the best light. Some people make this harder than others, like, for me, it's easiest with people I either don't know from Adam or who I am already very close to (funny how that works) but I digress.
I was deeply hurt recently by someone very close to my heart. I tried to explain it away, to make excuses for it, to see if I was overreacting... but no. It really was a conscious decision to deliberately deceive me on multiple levels with no intention of coming clean about it if at all possible.
Mom, I know you're going to want more details. Please don't ask me. I don't want to dwell on it any longer.
My point in sharing this is: what now? Do you get angry? Do you walk away never to speak to them again? Do you forgive them and pretend you didn't find out their secret? That's the other thing I hope I'm not the only one guilty of, and it's in the same vein - I desperately want to deal in absolutes. Either I forgive you and we're okay or you're guilty and I'll try not to hold a grudge but you are no longer part of my life.
But I tried to see it from their perspective. The deception was intentional, but what was the motivation? Unfortunately for my desire for absolutes, this is not the "best friend" who turns out to be Tony Stark's Obadiah. It's just a normal person who sometimes thinks it better to withhold the truth for the sake of their image or because they think their pursuit of pleasure and happiness will disappoint/hurt someone and lying about it would cause less pain than if they knew the truth. Clearly they weren't TRYING to hurt me, but rather the opposite... in a twisted, self-serving sort of way. The goal was not to make me feel bad... only to make them feel good. They were just trying to please themselves and probably trying NOT to think about the way the consequences would effect those around them. Is that loving? Is that considering others above yourself? No. But to say it's intentionally UNloving is misleading, and that's what I tend to do.
And unfortunately I imagine that's what happens in a lot of marriages that fail. It need not even be infidelity. It could just be, "He obviously doesn't love me. How many times have I told him to put his socks in the hamper??" You feel unloved. You've even given him the benefit of the doubt and EXPRESSED your frustration rather than expecting him to read your mind and KNOW that a guy should pick up after himself even after he's married. But from his perspective? He had a hard day. He was distracted. Probably thinking about YOUR cute butt swishing around as you cooked dinner downstairs! I'm not a guy, but I know cute butts take precedence over laundry.
Few things grieve me as much in life as people who take offense at harmless thoughtlessness and mistakes, which is why I try to see things in the best light. So sometimes you can't explain away the circumstances or exonerate them entirely, but I think usually you can rest assured that the pain you feel wasn't part of their plan. Whether they blinded themselves to the wrong they did or they really just didn't know, they didn't mean to cause you pain.
I'm not saying that makes it okay. I'm not saying they're in the right in what they did. I'm not saying it's not sin and inherently wrong to fail to act lovingly even at the risk of your own happiness. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to run from certain situations that endanger you mentally or physically... or guard your heart against the words of a friend who isn't always truthful. What I AM saying is that forgiveness can be a lot easier if you try to see the situation from their side. When I feel sinned against and don't forgive, it's easy to get angry and judge and say harsh things and... indulge in the same sin and become the "bad guy" who is just out for self-serving and concentrating only on how *I* want to feel. But that person who hurt me? They're not the bad guy... they just weren't very good. True of all of us most of the time, yes?
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