I love Rich Mullins. Absolutely adore him. Or at least the persona he left behind when he passed away in 1997. Most people don't know who he is; I tell them he wrote "Awesome God" and "Step by Step." At that point, most people who spent any of their life in the church in the eighties or nineties knows who I'm talking about.
I'm also infatuated with C.S. Lewis. He reminds me of Rich in all the best ways and I think they could have been friends.
Obviously they're both deceased and no longer available as potential husbands for me. Tragic. There's just something about the way they expressed themselves as they delighted in their Creator that is irresistible and helplessly draws my heart. They loved people. They loved creation. And they loved its Maker. They knew how to just LIVE WELL and delight in the secrets that God had revealed in their beautiful, artistic, vibrant souls.
It occurred to me this morning that I have met someone... still living! and relatively close to my age!... to whom my heart responded similarly. After heartbreak and shut-down and disappointment after tearful disappointment, it's a rare day indeed that I'm immediately drawn to anyone at all, but this guy, I was. He's "just not that into me," sadly, but it's fascinating to see what my heart is still capable of. And what it might yet have and hold, one day. Because if I find that spark in two dead people and even a live one, chances are good that there might be another.
But then you come back to the real world. That every day world. And you remember all the stories you've heard about the marriages that fail and the couples that persevere and how the magic just doesn't ever last, so you shouldn't expect it to. Heck, why bother hoping for it to begin with, so long as you can both commit to enjoy each others' company and laugh and grow old together and support each other till death do you part? Happy. Home. Protected and loved. Just living life together, because that's all anyone ever really does, right?
The promises and longings of the past hold me in a warm embrace, but glimpses of the spark always leave me unsatisfied, if only for a second.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Patching holes
If you are here, you probably already know that I visited the dentist last week, due to my FB updates. There, I informed my stalkers that I'd been convicted of negligence of my local tooth doctor of choice and my sentence was that I'd need a crown; the jury was still out on whether I deserved a root canal as well.
A mere five days later, I returned to the courtroom to receive final sentencing.
I don't consider myself to be afraid of dentists. I mean, I don't ENJOY going, but I've never loathed it either. But after praying for thirty minutes that God would spare me from the root canal (and the hefty fine it would involve), I got to the office and found myself nearly paralyzed and glued to the seat of my car.
Once inside, I waited about 15 minutes before they took me back. Not ideal when you're feeling the way I was.
When they did bring me to the chair of death, they said they'd received my message asking whether I could trade my sentence for a simple removal of the tooth in question, and so they inquired as to whether I'd made a final decision about that. THAT was when the tears started. And wouldn't quit for some time.
Something about permanent damage to my body gives me the heebie jeebies. Y'know, scars, broken bones that don't heal right, amputation, diseases that you will never heal from... and especially on this day, tooth pulls. I also get the heebie jeebies when you talk about or perform a grinding motion on bone. Especially MY bones. This includes everything from the tooth exfoliation everyone is subjected to during a routine check-up to the prescribed crown procedure. So THAT made me cry. So did being alone. So did the helpless feeling I had - am I doing the right thing? It's SO much money! Have I asked the right questions? Have I answered theirs correctly??
Finally I told the nice lady through my tears that I wanted to see if they could fix my tooth.
I was totally self-conscious - there were LITTLE girls in the neighboring chairs and *I* was the one in tears. The bewildered head dentist came in and gave me a very nice pep talk about how it wouldn't hurt any worse than a regular filling and I shouldn't worry about that. They went through all the preparations leading up the part where they clean out the old filling and the decay and see how much damage they're working with. Then they got to work. Remember what I said about grinding on bone? Yeah. *shudders* So I was kind of distracted. But I remember hearing "I hate to say this, but..." and "The walls are good and strong..." over the squealing of the machinery in my mouth.
At last, he had mercy on my face and leaned back. "Well, it looks like we were wrong last week. You just need to get this one refilled. I mean, it's a BIG cavity, but that's all it is. Everything around it is healthy and totally salvageable." I started crying again.
It hit me quickly, as it has before, the shock of a prayer unprayed answered nonetheless. They'd told me I would absolutely HAVE to get a crown. No question. I'd accepted that as fact and didn't bother asking God about it... only the possible root canal.
I was thinking about it this morning and wanted to share something. I hadn't been shocked, for some reason. RELIEVED, to be sure, but not shocked. Like, "Well, yeah. He's Dad. Of course He could fix it." But He only *could* have. God answers prayers with "No" all the time. Eventually Grandpa does die, no matter how hard you pray for him. Sometimes we and those we love suffer for sin, despite tears and prayers for relief. And obviously the hundreds of people praying that their team would win can't always get a "Yes" when there are hundreds of other people praying for their OPPOSING team.
It would not have been any less gracious of God to see that I needed some financial hardship, some pain, some humbling, some empathy... or perhaps that I needed to be at a certain place at a certain time related to my crowning. I'd never have known. But sometimes the grace of God doesn't have to wait five years to be evident. And I'd like to publicly thank Him for the relief of kindness and grace undeserved that shines clear in the now.
A mere five days later, I returned to the courtroom to receive final sentencing.
I don't consider myself to be afraid of dentists. I mean, I don't ENJOY going, but I've never loathed it either. But after praying for thirty minutes that God would spare me from the root canal (and the hefty fine it would involve), I got to the office and found myself nearly paralyzed and glued to the seat of my car.
Once inside, I waited about 15 minutes before they took me back. Not ideal when you're feeling the way I was.
When they did bring me to the chair of death, they said they'd received my message asking whether I could trade my sentence for a simple removal of the tooth in question, and so they inquired as to whether I'd made a final decision about that. THAT was when the tears started. And wouldn't quit for some time.
Something about permanent damage to my body gives me the heebie jeebies. Y'know, scars, broken bones that don't heal right, amputation, diseases that you will never heal from... and especially on this day, tooth pulls. I also get the heebie jeebies when you talk about or perform a grinding motion on bone. Especially MY bones. This includes everything from the tooth exfoliation everyone is subjected to during a routine check-up to the prescribed crown procedure. So THAT made me cry. So did being alone. So did the helpless feeling I had - am I doing the right thing? It's SO much money! Have I asked the right questions? Have I answered theirs correctly??
Finally I told the nice lady through my tears that I wanted to see if they could fix my tooth.
I was totally self-conscious - there were LITTLE girls in the neighboring chairs and *I* was the one in tears. The bewildered head dentist came in and gave me a very nice pep talk about how it wouldn't hurt any worse than a regular filling and I shouldn't worry about that. They went through all the preparations leading up the part where they clean out the old filling and the decay and see how much damage they're working with. Then they got to work. Remember what I said about grinding on bone? Yeah. *shudders* So I was kind of distracted. But I remember hearing "I hate to say this, but..." and "The walls are good and strong..." over the squealing of the machinery in my mouth.
At last, he had mercy on my face and leaned back. "Well, it looks like we were wrong last week. You just need to get this one refilled. I mean, it's a BIG cavity, but that's all it is. Everything around it is healthy and totally salvageable." I started crying again.
It hit me quickly, as it has before, the shock of a prayer unprayed answered nonetheless. They'd told me I would absolutely HAVE to get a crown. No question. I'd accepted that as fact and didn't bother asking God about it... only the possible root canal.
I was thinking about it this morning and wanted to share something. I hadn't been shocked, for some reason. RELIEVED, to be sure, but not shocked. Like, "Well, yeah. He's Dad. Of course He could fix it." But He only *could* have. God answers prayers with "No" all the time. Eventually Grandpa does die, no matter how hard you pray for him. Sometimes we and those we love suffer for sin, despite tears and prayers for relief. And obviously the hundreds of people praying that their team would win can't always get a "Yes" when there are hundreds of other people praying for their OPPOSING team.
It would not have been any less gracious of God to see that I needed some financial hardship, some pain, some humbling, some empathy... or perhaps that I needed to be at a certain place at a certain time related to my crowning. I'd never have known. But sometimes the grace of God doesn't have to wait five years to be evident. And I'd like to publicly thank Him for the relief of kindness and grace undeserved that shines clear in the now.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Pretty
Sometimes I click on the link to my own blog just cuz I like to look at it. I think it's really pretty. ^_^
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"When it feels like forever...
... since you've seen the face of someone who loves you... then one is all that you need... all that you need to move you on. All you need is one." ~Tina Dico
I think this had a lot to do with why I was having such a hard time. I know it's cliche and it's not Christian and it's not resting in God... but that's where I was. I was feeling so alone - in my battles at work, in concerns about my car, in my faith that seems to estrange me from the body of Christ rather than bind me to it, in friendships that fizzled....
It wasn't like I was upset at God or felt like He was picking on me. But for some reason, my heart was not in such a place that His love evidenced in an act 2000 years ago and in His mercy evident every day of my life was enough to make me feel connected to anything. And maybe that's what He meant when He said it's not good for us to be alone, though I'm fully aware that it's what we need at times for a time.
Times like this, the hurt is graffitied all over my face and everyone wants to give me a hug. Yet somehow it doesn't help, even though I desperately want one. Sometimes it has to be from someone special... someone who has already earned your trust - not through compassionate-but-ignorant sympathy hugs but by actually walking down your road with you, chasing after you when necessary, listening and holding you when you couldn't even stand.
Married people, when the relationship is good, have this built in. You have someone to go home to who HAS been walking with you for a while. You have someone safe to turn to. Singles don't have that unless they've cultivated something similar in the form of a friendship. Maybe most are able to do that better than I. I don't know. But I do know that sometimes God reaches down to touch a tear-stained face and says, "You need a companion." Sometimes all you need is one, even just for one day, and you can face the world again.
I think this had a lot to do with why I was having such a hard time. I know it's cliche and it's not Christian and it's not resting in God... but that's where I was. I was feeling so alone - in my battles at work, in concerns about my car, in my faith that seems to estrange me from the body of Christ rather than bind me to it, in friendships that fizzled....It wasn't like I was upset at God or felt like He was picking on me. But for some reason, my heart was not in such a place that His love evidenced in an act 2000 years ago and in His mercy evident every day of my life was enough to make me feel connected to anything. And maybe that's what He meant when He said it's not good for us to be alone, though I'm fully aware that it's what we need at times for a time.
Times like this, the hurt is graffitied all over my face and everyone wants to give me a hug. Yet somehow it doesn't help, even though I desperately want one. Sometimes it has to be from someone special... someone who has already earned your trust - not through compassionate-but-ignorant sympathy hugs but by actually walking down your road with you, chasing after you when necessary, listening and holding you when you couldn't even stand.
Married people, when the relationship is good, have this built in. You have someone to go home to who HAS been walking with you for a while. You have someone safe to turn to. Singles don't have that unless they've cultivated something similar in the form of a friendship. Maybe most are able to do that better than I. I don't know. But I do know that sometimes God reaches down to touch a tear-stained face and says, "You need a companion." Sometimes all you need is one, even just for one day, and you can face the world again.
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