my type of laughter

"Dagne laughed in enjoyment of the moment, any moment, as if the undercurrent of enjoyment was constant within her and little was needed to tap it." ~Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

A friend congratulated me recently on having a depressing day. "It means you're still alive!" he said. It's true. If things go well for too long, we start to wonder what's wrong, LOL.

It's been a good weekend. I've tried to take it easy, sleep in, lay out... I helped paint a room and watched a couple of movies... spent time with a few friends; spent time alone.... Tomorrow promises to be relaxing as well, whatever it may bring.

I just wish I had a little more time... I guess that's the wish we all have. Time to recharge, time to get done the things we need to, the things we WANT to. God, teach me how to spend time on the things that are most important, being careful not to allot too much time to any one thing... and not neglecting to spend time on myself. Thanks.

Blessings....

Is there forgiveness for $400 mistakes?

What about $500?
What about being a reason for the brutal destruction of the Holy Son of God?


I've been struggling with forgiveness this week. Not with offering it, but with accepting it and extending it back upon myself. Not principally but practically. Thank God for friends who act as mirrors without saying a word; thank God for friends who DO speak encouragement when you need it.

I feel like a walking contradiction and on top of that I'm still struggling with questions of who I am. To clarify - who I am versus who I want to be versus who God wants me to be versus who God says I am; then of course you have my motives versus how I actually come across... and then all of that balanced against the person I live out on a day to day basis.

It's a headfull and it was just a bit over my head this week. Thank you to all of you who prayed for me on Thursday; He was faithful to answer your prayers. I slept much better last night, too.

rhymeless words to a silent song

There's a song in me
but I don't know the words
I don't know the tune

Something inside is screaming
or maybe belting
but it's so strong

Holding on so tight
lips locked shut
just might explode

Insides crawling but
eyes show peace
let's be done with it

I need wisdom....

I'm tired.

I know I slept last night, because I remember dreaming. But I was definitely wide awake and went for a run at 5am as a last ditch effort to get a few hours of solid sleep. It helped, I guess. I have a couple of theories - maybe that my mind is subconsciously bothered by my messy room... or that it's too warm which keeps my body temperature from dropping and therefore it can't enter the sleep stage.

I had a great weekend. I took lunch with a friend in Greenville on my way up to spend a few days with many friends in Franklin and see Guys and Dolls (a first for me). Willy stole the show, even though he had only three bit parts (as well as being assistant director). He can't help it. Then on the drive back I had a God experience unlike any I'd ever had before.

But now I'm worn out in all senses.

I'm tired physically. Philosophy is delightful yet a real tough stretch for me intellectually. And that ties in with this other emotional nagging feeling that I'm faking something. Then again, maybe that guilt is all in my head; maybe I'm afraid somehow of progress. Seems like the harder I seek God the more surprising and sharp the attacks; the harder I try to be true to myself the more I fear I'm just putting on a show.

Then again, it's not really ME I want to be true to, but to Christ in me and who He would have me to be. So in that sense, I guess I'm really NOT being true to my nature, heh. But if it's really Christ in me, would I be tired? Is that an indication that I'm trying to do it in my own power?

God, may it not be so.

*giggle*

The open of autumn

Autumn is my favorite season, and it is increasingly so every year, it seems. The new smell outside, the colors, the feel of the cool around my face with the rest of me bundled in a sweatshirt and other cuddly clothes.

Also, if you've known me for any length of time, you know I love art and music. There's always a reason behind both, a message to be conveyed: a nebulous feeling, a message of grace, a laugh... and very often the full meaning isn't spelled out. Books after books have been written in the attempt to pick apart the ancient pieces of art - what the symbols where and all the artist meant to say through them, the lighting, and the very colors chosen.

I sometimes wonder how accurate they really are - if the artists would laugh in the faces of the interpretors if they were alive to read the accounts.

Music though... music is like poetry. So much meaning can be behind simple phrases, ordinary words chosen for very specific reasons; meaning and reasons only the author can ever relay to their fullness.

The song at the bottom of this post was written by Caedmon's Call a decade ago and it was one of my favorites. But I don't know that I've ever fully understood the full message. If you're familiar, please try to turn the tune off in your head and just read the text, then tell me how the interpretation sounds.

Have you ever done that? I mean, songs do all sorts of weird things to the syntax of sentences for the sake of the rhythm and tune. You take a set of text and put the comma in a different place, you have a new sentence! I experience this a lot as I'm typing up the lyric sheets for Sundays - when they're sent to me as four words to a line when a line will fit eight, I combine them, but I try to do it grammatically correctly, with use of commas and such. And oh my gosh, it bothers the crap out of me when people put commas in where they don't belong simply because there's a pause in the song. Or for example, the last verse of Close of Autumn. "And the chains around me" is an incomplete thought. Who knows what it was meant to say? But if you add an apostrophe to "chain's," it becomes "and the chain [is] around me.

Okay, so, which chain? The chains of doing a lot of talking, as in the next phrase, or the chains of anger, in the phrase before? And is that "chains" negative or positive? By that I mean, do you drop the anger as something to ground yourself so that you aren't swept away by the tide of life... or does its weight hold you down, disallowing you to move on in life, so you choose to "drop it"? But if the chain to the anger is around you, and you drop the anger, you'll sink with it. Of course, if the "water" you sink into is the will and the grace of God, then it's a good thing. But anger? A good thing?

Has anyone else wondered about this song, or am I just slow?

---

When I'm cold and alone, all I want is my freedom and a sudden gust of gravity - I stop wailing and kicking just to let this water cover me, cover me. Only, if I rest my arms, rest my mind, You'll overcome me and swell up around me! With my fighting so vain, with my vanity so fought, I'm rolling over....

'Cause in just the same way the stream becomes swollen (swollen with cold, up over the ground), when my heart draws close to the close of autumn, Your love, Your love abounds.

All this time I'm thinking, wondering, "How would it be to breathe in deep?" I guess I need to be careful when I ask for a drink - just might get what I ask for! And I know just what you'd say to me, that's why I don't ask you! ...what would I ask you? I'm like a bullheaded boy these days, crying "My toy's gone!" ...You're shiny and new.

Guess I'll drop my anger here before I float away... and the chain's around me. An awful lot of talking; I don't leave you much to say. You didn't ever leave me and my greatest fear was you'd leave me here. A long time back my feet could touch the bottom....

Jeremiah

"I am broken by the brokenness of My dear people. I mourn; horror has taken hold of Me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? So why has the healing of My dear people not come about?" 8:21-22

So far, Jeremiah has been a book of vast dichotomy - God has a fierce love for His people the Israelites, but they are far from Him and He talks at great length of the punishment He will suffer them to endure. He aches for them, not only for their fellowship, but because He knows the destruction their evil causes themselves.

"Don't go to lament or sympathize with them, for I have removed My peace from these people" - this is the Lord's declaration - "as well as My faithful love and compassion." 16:5b

I've read Jeremiah before, but it really makes sense this time why he's called "the weeping prophet." It's a depressing book! To hear that God would remove his peace, love, and compassion from His beloved... and I am only a branch grafted in... I'm filled with despair on behalf of the people and fear of the Lord.

In another verse that couldn't find just now, He speaks of destroying the tabernacle as a way of punishment. The tabernacle that they built for Him... destroyed by His hand... to punish them? But it makes sense if you think that His plan for the tabernacle was for it to be a place that the people could commune with Him, to show their love and devotion. If He took that away... well, when has God ever needed our company? But we need His.

"Discipline me Lord, but with justice - not in your anger, or You will reduce me to nothing." 10:24

This reading has really struck me, and is compounded by the fact that we're going through Judges at church. None of us are much different. God mourns over us and our sins, too. I don't want to make Him mourn... I want Him to be pleased with me.

Brad made an interesting distinction this morning - it's not that we ever stop worshiping... it's that we abandon God to worship something else. Also that when God gives us over to our sinful cravings as He did to the Jews in their rebellion, that we are no longer able to defeat the enemy. The Jews were slaughtered every time they went into battle without the Lord's blessing, much less when He had given them over; in the same way, the spiritual battles that we fight are too much for us when we don't let Christ fight for us.

That part's really hard for me. I want to be a good soldier, fighting the good fight, hearing Him tell me "Well done," but none of it is ever me...? The letting go and the holding on, the resting and the fighting... it all gets muddled in my head, especially in the midst of battle as I've been lately. Last night was the worst I've had in a while... I slept better with all the expended energy, but upon awakening my eyes were swollen and I still have a splitting headache.

It's a fantastic day, though. The first cool day of the season.


Blessings.

no smiles?

One of those things that's very important to me is the ability to smile. Not only in real life, mind you, but in my blog! And it doesn't look like Blogger does that.

Now, I'm just geeky enough to know a quick and easy way to force smilies into any post but it's tedious; at least, much more so than pulling down a menu and clicking on a face.

I haven't needed to blog at all for several days... it's weird. Of course, I haven't had time to, either, so I guess it's a good thing. I do know that I'm not where I was on July 19th... not less at peace, I think, but the edges of that pure, senseless joy have hardened and I want to heat it up again.

But when? *pulls out dayplanner and forlornly peruses the pages*