I know I slept last night, because I remember dreaming. But I was definitely wide awake and went for a run at 5am as a last ditch effort to get a few hours of solid sleep. It helped, I guess. I have a couple of theories - maybe that my mind is subconsciously bothered by my messy room... or that it's too warm which keeps my body temperature from dropping and therefore it can't enter the sleep stage.
I had a great weekend. I took lunch with a friend in Greenville on my way up to spend a few days with many friends in Franklin and see Guys and Dolls (a first for me). Willy stole the show, even though he had only three bit parts (as well as being assistant director). He can't help it.
Then on the drive back I had a God experience unlike any I'd ever had before.But now I'm worn out in all senses.
I'm tired physically. Philosophy is delightful yet a real tough stretch for me intellectually. And that ties in with this other emotional nagging feeling that I'm faking something. Then again, maybe that guilt is all in my head; maybe I'm afraid somehow of progress. Seems like the harder I seek God the more surprising and sharp the attacks; the harder I try to be true to myself the more I fear I'm just putting on a show.
Then again, it's not really ME I want to be true to, but to Christ in me and who He would have me to be. So in that sense, I guess I'm really NOT being true to my nature, heh. But if it's really Christ in me, would I be tired? Is that an indication that I'm trying to do it in my own power?
God, may it not be so.
2 comments:
I'm tired too...but I don't think it's because I'm out of God's will or trying to do it on my own...I just don't sleep enough. heh. I don't why you have such sleep issues. It really does suck. I used to have trouble sleeping when I was a little girl. I learned how to convince myself into sleeping and now I don't have too much trouble with it. (except on Sunday night when I almost had a panic attack because we're not in SC anymore and won't be going back)
My mom is tired like that a lot. (I'm tired, too, but I sort of know why that is, sin issues or not!) I don't think it necessarily means anything about being out of God's will. Just like God doesn't promise us happy times for following Him, neither does He promise daily invigoration (except of the spirit). It could be a low thyroid hormone; it could be a vitamin deficiency; lack of sleep....
And yes, it could be that you're trying to do too much in your own power. I'm convinced that my mother's own perpetual fatigue is due to trying to hold on to too much, control too much, worry about too much—but of course she doesn't see it.
Just some food for thought.
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