contradictions

"Don't sweat the small stuff," so they say.
"It's the little things in life," so they say.
What are they talking about?

It's like, don't worry about the little things. Don't micro-focus. Look at the big picture. Live in light of the good to come.
But then it's like, carpe diem. Make the most of this moment. Find joy in the mini victories. Do what you like and like what you do.
No wonder my head's such a mess.

I'm trying to overlook the pains of day to day life while focusing all my attention on the "sweet nothings" of that same day to day life. I'm trying to use a telescope and a microscope at the same time and all I get is confused. The only answer I've come up with so far is, "Whatever is excellent (etc. etc.) think about such things," and even that falls short because it's also "true and right" that "bad things" happen.

I mean, is it a case by case basis? If I'm discouraged by the fact that I have no passion, I should seek it in things of less importance than my normal fare? And if I'm discouraged by the fact that "everything's going wrong today," I need to dwell on the big things that REALLY matter because I mean face it, the little stuff doesn't matter. But wait, the little stuff gets me through the days of no passion.... So I guess I'm outta luck if everything goes wrong on a passionless day. -_-

The most true, the most noble, the most right thing available is God Himself. Think about Him. Well, I can only do that SO much, right? I mean, outside of a convent, there are things that need to be done other than quiet meditation 24/7. We're expected to work and support our living situation and cultivate relationships and all of these things in light of God's goodness. I need a theology that is more than a distraction. "Don't think about that. Think about God." Sometimes that will indeed solve the problem. But sometimes it just masks it and makes it worse for later.

I mean, okay. If you think about God instead of your problem, and you grow that habit, chances are good that you'll start to see circumstances in light of His goodness and grace and you won't be rocked by them. But that is no small feat to get to the point where that thought process is so habitual as to give that result. Meanwhile you're either stuffing the problem or indulging in it. What do I do TODAY? What do I do at the end of a day when I may or may not have done anything that seemed worthwhile at the time or to my logic but I lay down at night feeling like it was all a facade. Like I'm just doing stuff to do stuff and there's no heart behind it.

I had a good day; my only complaint is that everything still feels so shallow, like I'm missing a key element.

I've been thinking about this stuff for a long time. It's... still a work in progress. Also, it's time for bed. G'night all.

The Secret Garden

Did you ever read it? I did. Mine was a giant book (at least 8.5x11) with a thick hardback cover and uneven edges on the pages. Growing up in my school, we were required to read for 15 minutes, X number of times a week. In my ignorance, then, my job was to read words for 15 minutes. Who wants to bother with the trouble of comprehension? No wonder I have such a poor retention rate. Needless to say, since I was quite young at the time, I don't remember much at all from the book (and what I do remember might well be from a movie version) other than that there was a sick kid in a big house and a lonely girl who found a key that fit a door all covered over in vines that opened to an abandoned garden.

I liked that idea. That was the sort of story that I would make up for myself when I spent my recess periods hiding under the steps of the apartment next to our elementary school playground. Tiny places, secret hideouts, mystery and adventure of the mind.

The reason I was thinking about this was because there are a lot of alley ways in Charleston that look like they should lead to a secret garden. Very narrow, framed by old stones and bricks and canopied by vines... you never know where those paths will take you; they practically scream to be investigated. Alleys like that could turn a corner and drop you into Anthropos or Narnia or have an old red bike at the end that will fly you away.

Is this an "every girl's dream" sort of fascination, or am I weird like that?

naughty words

Words. Nothing but bunches of letters put together in different orders, but our brains learn to decipher them and interpret them to have meaning, and different meanings for different contexts. So it's okay to speak of those who are going to hell as "damned." And the creature that Mary supposedly rode to Bethlehem was an "ass." And a female dog is a "bitch." There's nothing inherently wrong with words. So why do good little Christian children fear certain words? We're only told that we're not supposed to say certain things; that certain combinations of letters are inherently evil. As we grow older, I think most of us either simply decide to rebel, decide it's not that big of a deal, or maintain that restraint for fear of offending someone (or our own consciences). I had dinner last week with my pastor's family. They have four small children who are wild and crazy as any children should be at that age, and were showing me the latest dance moves that they had dreamed up. I was laughing and remarking at them... until I saw the youngest girl lean over to her dad and tell him that I'd said a bad word. I don't know what it was that I said... thought it might have been "Dang!" at the time, but when I asked Matt about it after the kids had gone to bed, he said it could have been something like, "Man!" As in, "Man, that's so cool!" "Man" is not a word I'd ever heard to be ranked as a bad word before, so obviously I thought his explanation was blogworthy. They don't teach their kids that certain words are bad words in and of themselves. They tell them that words used in anger or rebellion are bad. So in the sentence, "Aw man, do I have to?" "man" is a word that reveals a bad attitude. Now, will a four year old understand that distinction? Obviously not, at least not entirely, because I didn't say it in that context and she still interpreted it as a bad word. But the rule came with a teaching; it wasn't just a blanket, "You need to use a different word, honey." I thought that was really cool.

And again.

When I lost my job at the church, I was heartbroken. I felt as though a dear lover had rejected me. I cried hard. For days. Here we are again. I enjoyed the work I did at Adec more than I did the church. I liked my co-workers better. There was less stress. More sunshine. My time there was only a fourth what I spent at the other, but that's still half a year... long enough to fall in love. But I'm not torn up over it. I'm sad, sure. I loved working there, I loved the dress code there, all the people, how gracious my boss was. But I never fell in love with anything while I was there - with the job, with a hobby, with a man. I have memories in that office, but none that hold any great passion. Can it be that the tragedy of losing the job at the church had more to do with feeling cut off from the memory, the reality of the joys and sorrows I'd felt while there? Is the current tragedy that I spent six months without any passion at all and so had nothing emotional to lose? I might could shed a few tears over that. *Edit* Or maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it was the complete lack of rejection. Not, "We don't feel like you were a good fit" or "I found someone I liked better" or "You failed... but we're too nice to go into exactly why we're letting you go." It was just, "We love you! But we've run out of things for you to do and your department had all of its budget cut this year. We hate that it had to go down this way.... We'll be in touch if anything comes up!"

Exodus

LOL, w00t. Do I have more than one anonymous observer??

For personal reasons, I don't want to post a direct link from here to my new blog, but I'll be happy to respond to e-mails sent to alittledessi@gmail.com requesting that information. :-D

I really appreciate the comment that my blog seems "spiritual," though I'd certainly have to give God ALL the credit for that because without Him, all my blogs would look something like

o_O

Anyway. I'm still posting on Xanga... still trying to find the truth in a world where suffering and blessing go hand in hand.

Be well!