he divorced me...

It never occurred to me that a job that you love could be like a romantic relationship. There's a give and take there, and you delight in each other's company. That conflict in that relationship can taint your whole world. That the world you live in, the restaurants, the stores, the halls could be stained with memories in a way that could be sweet or bitter depending on where you stood in that relationship.

I was divorced on Monday. He was perfectly nice about it and will take care of me through the end of the year, but he doesn't want to see me after Thursday. He said I'm not filling his needs. That I'm not living up to his expectations and we just don't fit each other anymore. That I should find someone I really love and who will love me back.

I don't know who knows. I know that at least two of my peers (the younger ones of us in the office) are clueless and the way the other smiled at me today, I don't think he knew either. Or maybe he did. I pretended like he did and it almost made me cry. A smile that said, "I know. I'm sorry. And I'm not going to treat you any different for it." None of the older ones smile at me like that anymore. They all avert their eyes and shuffle past. I'm not sure why that is... I'm not treating them any different... but it could be for a variety of reasons and I don't feel like expounding on speculation.

I feel like I'm talking of the death of a loved one.

Maybe I kind of am.

So. Now what? I'm actually going to send my resume in to a place looking for an Office Assistant tomorrow - a lady at my church sent the ad to me yesterday to go on the church classifieds page... I haven't put it up yet. ;) But if I really am such a bad fit in this sort of position... if I really am lousy at it even if I love what I'm doing... should I even bother? My confidence is shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know what could be out there that would love me and that I could love back... or how to find it. Blond, short, fat, glasses, braces?

What am I looking for?

Atlas Shrugged (part 1?)

I say it with a question mark because I imagine I'll be posting again later, but I don't know for sure.

When two minds you respect dislike a particular book or author that you enjoy, it makes you wonder if you're missing something, heh. I'm not done with this one, but I'm *making time* to listen to the tapes more often. It's just that it's not the sort of book I can really listen to when I'm driving to WalMart or whatever... I have to take it in large chunks when I can focus on it or else I'd get lost. Anyway, I'm almost through part two (of three; cassette 21 of 38, total.) Two points I wanted to comment on, tonight.

1. You can't threaten a person of no morals with the possibility of being found out. A prostitute doesn't care if you tell someone that she sleeps around; it is only a person who is normally moral who has anything to lose. So if a person wants to blackmail you, really all they're doing is punishing you for being a human with morals. "Because you care about what is right, I'm going to hurt you for what you've done wrong in a way that I couldn't if you didn't." Meanwhile all sorts of people get away with the same wrongs and no one says a word because there's no way to wield that power over them. To blackmail a person is to use their sense of decency against them. Hardly decent, on your part....

The other factor, though, is that the person has to feel guilty. In order for your "hardly decent" scheme to work, they have to come through for you. If you accuse them of loving their work more than the poor and leechy but they don't see the sin in that, your threat holds no power. If you accuse them of something they did not do (or word it in such a way that is inaccurate), the only reason your threats work is if they believe your accusation - believe that they were wrong.

I don't have any great analysis... I just thought this was an interesting point.

2. I don't know about you, but for a long time, I had the vague impression (along with others, apparently, because I've also heard sermons against it) that there was something inherently noble in suffering for the greater good. Being willing to serve in the nursery on Sunday when you can't stand kids - that's a noble sacrifice! Letting an inferior singer be on the worship team because you think it would mean a lot more to them than to you - wow! ... except it's not true.

This book is made up of two types of people. The "looters" are just such people - everything must be for the greater good, no one is better or should have any more money than anyone else, regardless of how hard they work. To work solely for your own gain is selfishness. It is the responsibility of the rich to cater to the "needs" of the poor whether they are trying to better their situation or not. They hate what they do and they're proud of it. The other type of character works hard, thinks well, creates beauty, and expects to be paid in full for their work. They don't work for the good of the people as such, but because they are doing what they love to do and therefore doing it well because their hearts are in it, it benefits those around them, bringing good things into the world that people need.

I think of people who work in the church. A church secretary might do just as much as or more than a secretary in a lawyer's office... but do you think he or she is paid as much? Why? Should the one be financially punished for working just as hard simply because the location is one commonly considered to be related to "selfless serving"?

Yes, I am such a secretary; don't hear this as a complaint. My needs are satisfied and I am grateful to have a job I love. But it makes me you think, y'know? "A worker is worth his wages."

What do you think? Am I missing something? Have I bought into something awful or is there a lot of truth there?


I'm singing with the worship team today for the first time at Crossroads. It felt good to be at practice Thursday night. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy singing with a group (even if the "group" is only two other singers). But again - I'd much rather serve on the worship team than on the nursery team, and there's no reason to be miserable just so I can say I served. If I'm doing what I love and doing it well, it benefits my spirit AND the people I'm serving. I just never realized that's what they meant when they said, "How are you using your gifts to further the kingdom?" Again, I thought there had to be some dread, some painful sacrifice to fulfill that. But no. You can just do what you do best.

... and my heart stops

Jessica,

I'd like for you to meet with me, Chris and Steve Eason
from personnel as a follow-up to your end of year review.
Let's meet in my office this Monday, Oct. 29 at 2:00pm.

Thanks,
James Gould

---

I have no particular reason to think this is bad news other than the fiasco from July... but would you pray anyhow? Thanks.

just happy.

What a beautiful day.

I'm wearing my little, boxy heels with the leather flower between my toes, my jean skirt with the front slit, and my goth 3/4 length sleeved shirt. I stepped out of the office to run a couple of errands and was hit by cool. Not so much that I immediately wrapped my arms around myself, but enough to be surprising, especially after the muggy heat of yesterday.

And the rain. Oh, blessed, gentle pattering rain. Tickling my face as I walk out to the car, swelling and waning in intensity as I drive down the road.

I love fall. I love rain. I love apple cider. I love those days when God seems to bless your socks off with joy and peace just for the sake of reminding you that He is good.

It's a good day.

o, n btw...

I got a few hairs cutted.

quotes

If I ever say something that can be taken two ways and one way makes you feel sad or angry or hurt... I meant it the other way. ~Unknown

Can I have your magic fingers touch my neck? ~Iryna

Izzy has a bigger tongue-to-dog ratio than all those other dogs.... ~Bill

He's such a weirdo. You two are perfect for each other! ~Lexi

You... are so ugly... and God made you that way...! ~Michael (to a spider)

Atlas Shrugged~
[The only] viler act than to murder a man is to sell him suicide as an act of virtue.
Could one conceive of an infamy lower than to equate virtue with pain?
[Holding people to] a code... which would only destroy those who tried to observe it.
He was seeing the enormity of the smallness of the enemy that was destroying the world.
He felt the shudder of recapturing his mind.
She could not descend to an existence where her brain would explode under the pressure of forcing itself not to outdistance incompetence.

take my word for it?

What decides your motives? If I help a little old lady across the street, you might think me noble. But I might only have done it because I knew my crush was watching. But if you know that I know, you might think me merely trying to look good (hardly a noble cause).

So if I help the old lady because it's the right thing to do but realize my crush is watching and wonder what he's thinking... does that change what my motive was? I was going to do it anyway, right? But if you approach me later and say, "That was a cheap trick you pulled, trying to impress him!" I might believe your accusation of my motive, since it DID cross my mind....

Such is the plight of one who thinks too much, lol.


But at the same time... it's really no laughing matter. It's all too easy for me to get caught up in this - this claiming guilt that is unjustly placed. I was faced with it again today, though in an entirely different light. I must say, for someone who's no longer depressed, I've been suddenly bursting into tears a lot lately, heh.

jealousy

"You have to make him jealous. Don't let him think he can keep you without trying!"

I propose that this is a horrible way of thinking. "Hey, I went out for coffee with so-and-so." "I spent the evening with what's-her-face yesterday." "Don't you wish I'd been out with you?" Wha?! But...! *sputters* No. That's just begging for attention; another form of desperation. "Your lack of (commitment/attention) makes me feel devalued so let me try to make you think that you're going to lose me over it." Who are you fooling? If you really wanted to lose the guy, why bother telling him about what you did while he wasn't there? Just tell him to leave. No, you're afraid you're losing him and you want to see if he'll still fight for you.

It's selfish, lying to a person you care about, telling them you don't trust them, and throwing in a little bit of "you're a failure at making me happy" on the side for good measure.

No. I had someone suggest this line of behavior to me recently, but it just doesn't hold water for me. It might seem appealing on the surface - the chance to get a little attention - but it's so awful underneath; why bother with it? If he's going to leave you, you're not going to stop him by criticizing him and begging for attention. And if the thought had never crossed his mind... be careful cuz that behavior might just put ideas in his head.

It all depends on where your heart is, of course. I'm not going to say I don't turn a little green when the man of my dreams tells me how he spent last night, but there's no need to presume he's trying to do anything but tell me... how he spent last night. Communication is good! I'm just sayin'... don't abuse with it.

Does anyone feel me on this?

forgotten dreams

I had someone ask me recently why I don't pursue art. That I'm very talented and there's no reason why I shouldn't. I didn't have an answer for her. I love art. That's the only reply I can remember having to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be an artist when I was little. "What should I draw?" was my favorite question. I think I eventually convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to do it professionally, and besides, where does one go to be hired as an artist? Are there people out there who want to tell me, "Draw this!" and pay enough money for the result that I can do that for a living?

When I got older, I started saying, "I want to be a stay at home mom when I grow up." I wanted to write notes in lunch boxes in the morning... to be on time to pick up my kids from school... to keep house... to greet my husband at the door in the evening with dinner on the stove... to plan picnics on the weekends. But then I rememberd that you have to make a life for yourself and I am probably just being lazy or scared to say such things.

"What do I want to be when I grow up?" But I AM growing up. Right now. Every day. Those "want to be" plans are all but forgotten. I'm a secretary with a job that I love, I get to massage people, I have the best friends in the world, I study, I have no time for a personal life, but it's fun. Now... it's only every once in a while, like a jolt in the middle of the night, I remember those dreams. Viewing really good art, sudden inspiration, a successful piece. A tender scene in a movie, a memory flash, a cuddly couple in the next booth. Every now and again they break through the stone cold wall of life and remind me that I used to want something more. That I still do want, that still light my fire in an instant but I daren't admit it. Then I pick up the fallen stones and remind myself how hard it was to get to this place where I was no longer discontent.

That used to be such a struggle, even just a few months ago. "Pray for me; I'm discontent." I didn't want for money or possessions... but for something money can never legitimately buy. I guess it just finally hit me that life is happening right now and I'll miss it if I'm waiting on little girl dreams. But an itch in the back of my mind won't stop nagging at me... whispering something about dreams being a good thing. Can I hope for something that may never come and still love life where I am now? Do I still have the heart for it if it could be mine? Am I still a silly little girl who needs to move on and grow up?

These are things I need to know before the whisper is snuffed out.

in the nature of a retreat

I went on the women's retreat with my church last weekend. Pisgah Forest, NC. I stayed in an old, rustic log cabin. Fog veiling the mountains in the morning. Crisp air. An almost secret back porch with huge, thick wooden chairs and table for reading, writing, and tears. And lots of people I don't know any better than your mother and some even worse.

Perfect.

I'm so backwards, I know! I had that discussion with the strangers in the car on the way up - that most women would only go to such a retreat if they knew a bunch of their friends were going. I'm much more likely to go if I know that no one is going to try to talk to me! It was weird once I was there, though. By the second day, I felt more like myself than I have in a very long time and I didn't know why. But since I've been back, I think... there's a lot of freedom in being unknown. In knowing that the person you're talking to doesn't know enough about you to judge or misjudge you for what you're about to say.

On the other hand... if you can embrace it, there's even more freedom to be found in knowing that the person before you, on the other end of the line, or sitting at the other computer knows you so well that what you are about to say comes across the way you meant it... and even if it's terrible, they don't hate you for it.

I have friends like that. I treasure friends like that.

(pictures soon... I promise)

peculiar tears

Have you ever noticed how may types of tears there are? Tears of physical pain, emotional pain, physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, loneliness, joy, meaningless depression, empathy....

It's the tears of empathy that has me intrigued. I just assumed I'd never know how to "cry with someone." Empathize? Absolutely, but not with tears. My dear, favorite Nic told me once that he cried for me after merely reading an e-mail I'd sent him. I was touched, sorry, and curious. What was that feeling like?

I know, now.

It overwhelms you. When there's nothing you can do but ache for a pain contained in no way within yourself... it drives a praying person to his knees. Sometimes quite literally.

I had a good weekend, full of peculiar tears and learning peculiar lessons. I can also put faces to the names I've been working with (on envelopes, in the directory, over the phone...) for two years now. This is awful nice. ;)

'nother long one.

Going away for the weekend again, this time to the mountains. Should be back between 2 and 3 on Sunday afternoon.



I sat in Hoke today.

You were there. And you. And you and you. You were all there, like it was yesterday. Hundreds of yesterdays rolled into one. Patrick's yellow pants and Sarah's little black dress, Willy's Superman shirt and Nic's Veggie Tales shirt and Nathan coming around the corner with Jolly Ranchers, Bekah's enthusiastic smile and Liz's funny notes.... From Western Civ to Eve Redeemed, from the deepest pains to the highest joys. All in one room now empty save for a few hundred seats, a couple handfuls of stairs, a stage that was always too small, and an A/C that was always too strong.

Some memories just don't fade.

caffeine makes me sleepy?!

I've long felt that caffeine had no effect on me. Thought that perhaps it was because I had too many sodas as a child or something. But over the past few months, I've noticed that a cup of coffee at work, rather than giving me a boost, makes me more drowsy (and I don't mean after any sort of sugar high). I didn't think much of it until last night.

I'd gone to Starbucks and gotten myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte (very good) whilst I tried to stay up with Kant. (he and I aren't getting along so well, but I'll keep trying) I got home and was reminded that Lexi had asked me to take her to the airport at 4 in the fast-approaching morning. She advised, "So don't stay up too late!" I was thinking, yeah sure, even if I don't get a boost, it's sure to keep me awake, right? It occurred to me shortly thereafter that it was about 10:30 and I was already getting very tired, having almost finished my drink.

So I did a search: "caffeine makes me sleepy" and read bits of a few of the different hits. This one I read all the way through: "Why Doesn't Caffeine Affect Me?" Just a forum discussion, but I was intrigued. It's not all in my head? It might actually make some people drowsy? Weird.

So I didn't stay up too late - I was too tired to. I woke up a good bit earlier than the 3:50 I'd set my alarm for, but I imagine that was because I was worried about not waking up on time. (a common occurrance for me) Then I had some errands to run (long story... but I'd rather stay up late and do them than have to wake up early to do them before work) and got home at 5:00. I had some difficulty falling asleep again, but I was able to get a few hours. Hardly what I would call a good "control" night for an experiment, but notable.

Can anybody relate to this? Should I be having a cup of coffee rather than wine before bed?

side note: I drank a cup of coffee black for the first time on Monday. It was definitely a new experience for me and bears looking into. (thanks go to the friend who offered it to me!) I likened it to eating 80% chocolate, which, if you've never tried it... be warned. It is not for the faint of heart. (Btw, it was about 7pm at the time. I didn't notice any lift or drag due to it, but it certainly had no negative effects on my attempts at sleep come 2am that morning.)

My Hero.

"I have two words for you. Mission accomplished."

minor delays

Headed out of town for an extended and jam-packed weekend, starting this afternoon. I owe a couple of people e-responses... you WILL get them, just not before Monday or Tuesday.

Chao!

funnies

EDIT:
Sign on the front of El Chico's: "Serving Mexican food every day!" Now, that's just disappointing. I want to see an El Chico's that boasts, "Serving Mexican food on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Come for Italian on Sunday and Tuesday, or enjoy Indian on Thursday and Saturday!"


Go here....
Scroll down to First Grade, and look at the last name on that list.
And join me in the laughter.

Yes, I think I'd like to try the "Crimson Rose" shade, thanks.


Awwwww! There's nothing quite like having a cat fall asleep on you. :-]