Wednesday, October 17, 2007

forgotten dreams

I had someone ask me recently why I don't pursue art. That I'm very talented and there's no reason why I shouldn't. I didn't have an answer for her. I love art. That's the only reply I can remember having to the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be an artist when I was little. "What should I draw?" was my favorite question. I think I eventually convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to do it professionally, and besides, where does one go to be hired as an artist? Are there people out there who want to tell me, "Draw this!" and pay enough money for the result that I can do that for a living?

When I got older, I started saying, "I want to be a stay at home mom when I grow up." I wanted to write notes in lunch boxes in the morning... to be on time to pick up my kids from school... to keep house... to greet my husband at the door in the evening with dinner on the stove... to plan picnics on the weekends. But then I rememberd that you have to make a life for yourself and I am probably just being lazy or scared to say such things.

"What do I want to be when I grow up?" But I AM growing up. Right now. Every day. Those "want to be" plans are all but forgotten. I'm a secretary with a job that I love, I get to massage people, I have the best friends in the world, I study, I have no time for a personal life, but it's fun. Now... it's only every once in a while, like a jolt in the middle of the night, I remember those dreams. Viewing really good art, sudden inspiration, a successful piece. A tender scene in a movie, a memory flash, a cuddly couple in the next booth. Every now and again they break through the stone cold wall of life and remind me that I used to want something more. That I still do want, that still light my fire in an instant but I daren't admit it. Then I pick up the fallen stones and remind myself how hard it was to get to this place where I was no longer discontent.

That used to be such a struggle, even just a few months ago. "Pray for me; I'm discontent." I didn't want for money or possessions... but for something money can never legitimately buy. I guess it just finally hit me that life is happening right now and I'll miss it if I'm waiting on little girl dreams. But an itch in the back of my mind won't stop nagging at me... whispering something about dreams being a good thing. Can I hope for something that may never come and still love life where I am now? Do I still have the heart for it if it could be mine? Am I still a silly little girl who needs to move on and grow up?

These are things I need to know before the whisper is snuffed out.

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