Wednesday, October 31, 2007

he divorced me...

It never occurred to me that a job that you love could be like a romantic relationship. There's a give and take there, and you delight in each other's company. That conflict in that relationship can taint your whole world. That the world you live in, the restaurants, the stores, the halls could be stained with memories in a way that could be sweet or bitter depending on where you stood in that relationship.

I was divorced on Monday. He was perfectly nice about it and will take care of me through the end of the year, but he doesn't want to see me after Thursday. He said I'm not filling his needs. That I'm not living up to his expectations and we just don't fit each other anymore. That I should find someone I really love and who will love me back.

I don't know who knows. I know that at least two of my peers (the younger ones of us in the office) are clueless and the way the other smiled at me today, I don't think he knew either. Or maybe he did. I pretended like he did and it almost made me cry. A smile that said, "I know. I'm sorry. And I'm not going to treat you any different for it." None of the older ones smile at me like that anymore. They all avert their eyes and shuffle past. I'm not sure why that is... I'm not treating them any different... but it could be for a variety of reasons and I don't feel like expounding on speculation.

I feel like I'm talking of the death of a loved one.

Maybe I kind of am.

So. Now what? I'm actually going to send my resume in to a place looking for an Office Assistant tomorrow - a lady at my church sent the ad to me yesterday to go on the church classifieds page... I haven't put it up yet. ;) But if I really am such a bad fit in this sort of position... if I really am lousy at it even if I love what I'm doing... should I even bother? My confidence is shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know what could be out there that would love me and that I could love back... or how to find it. Blond, short, fat, glasses, braces?

What am I looking for?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I was waiting to hear, you know, about how your Monday mtg went. Not good, definitely. How will that work, since you also go to church there? And what happened in July?