on pruning

Christ used parables to speak to his audience in a way that they could apply to real life. I'm sure it was very effective then, but these days, you have to have a whole sermon describing what those stories meant to the people because we just don't relate.

Take pruning for example. I know enough about plants and the ways of life to know that dead branches should be removed from a plant because they aren't healthy. And I also know that when you cut part of a plant away, what is left will thrive. (I know this personally because, one year, my dad cut back the tree in our back yard to keep the branches safely away from the house. The next fall, there were pecans ALL OVER the yard that I had to help collect because all the tree's energy that year had been put into producing its fruit.)

Somehow, though, I didn't connect the two until today. I'm quite certain that I've heard somewhere that you can cut off a branch from a tree or bush, plant it, and it will grow into its own tree or bush. (if you know this to be untrue, just indulge me, lol) Looking at our wild rosebush in the back corner of the yard, I had the sudden urge to give it a try. The bush was probably ten feet tall and at least as wide, due to about six very long protrusions from its base with timid little branches at the ends that might put out a dozen pink roses a year. (as you can imagine, sometimes you almost need a ladder to reach them) It was time to help it out a bit anyway, so I grabbed an empty sherbet bucket and my new hack saw and wire cutters and went to work.

There was nothing wrong with those branches, most of them. I guess when I think of pruning, I think of dead, brown branches that need to be cleaned out because they don't belong there. But most of these were green with a handful of leaves and a rosebud even came down in the fray. I sawed off the two or three really thick "arms" that stretched horizontal across the yard and generally gave it some shape (still tall, so it can be seen from the kitchen window) before going in and making sure that the little dead branches were done away with. I had a feeling that the rosebush, were it to have emotions, would be very annoyed at me and that's probably why it injured me so, as I was working. Then suddenly all those sermons I'd heard made more sense than they ever had.

Sometimes God comes and breaks off the dead, lifeless bits of us that are ugly and have no business in our lives. These could be pet sins that we have a hard time letting go of but are glad to have them gone. But sometimes we try to spend too much energy on perfectly good things that cause us to grow in (what God knows to be) the wrong direction or quite literally spreads us too thin and far away from our nutrient-supplying base. Sometimes, for no reason that we can see at the time, we've reached so far out from ourselves for those things that they must simply be cut off in order that we can grow healthy and full and bear fruit.

@--))---

There might be another analogy about how, once we let things go, they too can flourish in their freedom, like my branch planting experiment... but I won't go there for now. ;-)

Suddenly I realized -

I was telling them that I'd been offended; not just to explain my flustered behavior and so that they could know the way it had come across, but because deep down somewhere, I was looking for correction. That I was waging war within myself and wanted a finger pointed with a voice speaking gently, "Here's what's causing the problem."

Be strong for me. Unveil my pride before me. Call it what it is.

Won't you show me what love could be?

rejection and guilt

I took the bunnies to a pet store today.

I feel terrible about it. I'm trying really hard not to... y'know, think about it. Hurting their feelings and such. They said they'd find them a good home. And besides, they're just animals. Rodents, even. I was bad at taking care of them, they stunk, they were a constantly a mess. And I get a cat instead. Cats use a box, you have only one place to clean up after them, you can keep them in the house, you get to know them, they're smarter... but I still feel bad.

I'm probably also anxious about the job. I changed jobs today, heh. I was hearing more and more bad things about this place I'd been accepted by... and then yesterday I got a call from the first place I interviewed with, saying they wanted me, too! I had a better feeling about them and I had originally hoped it would work out there... but the folks I'd talked to at Head Quarters had seemed really nice, offered me my first job, staked first claim and all that. Now there's probably no chance that I'll be able to work with them, if I don't like this other place. And I'm just getting started! This is my first job in the field and I turned them down??

I'm just scared, I guess. I really struggle with disappointing people, making people (or bunnies) feel rejected, asking too much and having someone give up on me. With the school, too. Those folks are there to answer my questions, right? Better to get my questions answered than to wander around not knowing what to do because I was afraid to bother them again, right? I just sent another e-mail saying that I might need to switch another class for my work schedule, and the response was "I'm checking this from home and it's going to be really busy and hard to get a meeting with someone when you get back." I guess... if she didn't want work to do, she shouldn't have checked her work e-mail from home, but still....

I'm just doing a lot of things differently and it's uncomfortable. I'll be glad when I can get into a routine. I just hope I like it once I'm there! XP

new house, etc.

Pictures of the inside of the new place to come soon... but not before I get my room set up.

Oh, and yes. I'll be bringing a feline with me, thankyouverymuch. I daresay, it's about time.

this week

I'd been saying I would move to Greenville the first week of January. CIU always started around the end of the month, so I figured that would give me plenty of time after the holidays to get settled. My brother was going to be in VA through the 2nd and I wanted to see him as long as I could. Well, in my meetings at the school on Monday, I learned that they start January 7th instead. Officially got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I'm taking just two courses, but I'm told that the Design class isn't something you want to take with a lot of other stuff anyway because it takes so much work. Oh, and I found out I can get a refund of about 50% because of the SC lottery for Tech schools.

My half dozen rooming opportunities were mostly not really what I was looking for and I was only seriously considering a couple by the time I got home after my weekend trip. Once I wrote all the comparisons (price, location, size of room, etc.) down on paper, it was clear that I really wanted to and was best off to room with Sara, so I texted her Monday night to reserve my spot. I'll be paying a little bit more for rent than I am here, but I'm also getting 45 square feet more space to my room and the house itself is bigger. She said the current roommate would be out by Friday. Found out the next day that he was already out, Sara's sister was already moving into the other room upstairs, and I could come any time I wanted. I asked Corrina what days she had off this week; Wednesday and Thursday were her answers. I asked if she'd help me move on Thursday. She very graciously consented. *applause and cheers*

Wednesday night was dinner with the Brookses, preceded by lots of packing and trying to figure out how I'd transport all my stuff using the least amount of money. My genius father suggested I simply rent a cargo van from Enterprise... turns out it was much cheaper than all the "truck rental" place options. Fortunately, they take orders for the afternoon before.

I had three interviews last weekend and found out this morning that I got the massage therapist job at the last place - a spa downtown, six minutes from my new house. Training starts on the 3rd.

Had to go back into town today to meet up with Sara about signing the lease and paying my deposit before they left for their holidays in NY. Got a text from her brother (who owns the house) asking when I'd be back so he could be done with the alterations before I got there - painting and such to cover over a little bit of mess the last tenant left. Just about had a heart attack and politely asked him to wait till I'd had some time to reorganize the room. MAN why do I have so much stuff??

I'm trying to get a hold of Debbie, the first girl to indicate she was interested in taking my spot at 911. Iryna's heard back from Lindsay, her friend from Florence, and she said she'd be interested in at least staying through the end of my lease and then seeing what she wants to do from there, so I'm covered as far as that goes.

My room here in Cola is bare. Not empty, as I'm leaving the bed (wasn't mine to begin with), the desk, the el cheapo drawer set, and a little crate... but there's nothing "living" in them anymore except my little amphibians and crustacean. Everything is already in my new room except for my stuff for the holidays and one of the bookshelves Lexi sold me.

So you see... I've been running around screaming this week. And the only reason I'm writing this now is because I woke up in the middle of the night, hhh. Breakfast with Joy in the morning, w00t, and then another road trip to VA to see my family. I'll be so glad to rest a while. But God is good and I'm excited about what crazy stuff He's up to now.

o, btw

I'm moving out today.

Want to help?

*runs around screaming*

[I'll tell you what that's about once I can stop doing it!]

Me, after this weekend.

liable to change...

Friday, 12:01pm
I've decided to post updates as they come, rather than trying to do a big one at the end, so check back for changes! (somebody's bound to be bored and check my blog more than once a day, right? my GOODness, I sound like I'm 14...)
Went in for the first interview (second visit) at 10:30. We got all set up and I was halfway through when there was a knock at the door saying Stacy had an appointment she'd forgotten about and she needed to go. Seriously? LOL. But she seemed really pleased with what she received and said she'd be calling my references today! A big encouragement from the one I gave at the other place - "You're not living up to your potential!" I think the massage I got last week helped, honestly. If nothing else, I was able to remember how relaxing it's SUPPOSED to be and I think it made a difference for my work. Cool.
Okay. Off to lunch!

Saturday
(never did make it online today, lol)
Yesterday I met Jessykah. She's a mostly agnostic from a Mormon background who lives with her boyfriend but is still a virgin. She's a hermit and has not had a job for a while. Left home at 15 and has spent her life living all over the country in 4 month increments. Nice enough, but just shy of "creepy weird." And the room was itty-bitty. I'd need to find a bed, but I could use the gigantic TV they were storing in the room.
I also met another lady who's in her late 30's, Liz. She lives like 8 minutes from Tech... and 20-30 from everything else. If I were taking more than 2 classes, it might work, but I know I can find someplace closer, right? Besides, the next door roosters would wake me up and the room was too small, but a bed was included. She did have a cat, though.
I also met Andrea, a lady much shorter than I with a homosexual cat ("they were going to breed him but he wasn't interested in the girls and presented himself for the guys") who is trying to sell her futon. I'm considering it still... I'm just afraid that my good experiences with futon beds with prove only to last a week once I have one of my own and then I'll be utterly dissatisfied. Maybe.

We were at Toys R Us at 9:30 this morning in the newly FREEZING weather to wrap Christmas presents. 9:30-3:00, they told us. We took turns going into the store to thaw out until 12:30 when the light sprinkle turned into a downpour that was soaking the wrapping paper and the foot-stamping customers. The Starbucks across the street who had provided a container of coffee for us to pass out to the passers-by asked us to come back when we tore down and help ourselves to their store.
When I went back to my car to drive over there, I realized that when I'd run back to my car for another sweatshirt and to get the number of the girl I was supposed to meet with at 2 (in case I needed to call to reschedule) I'd locked my keys in my car. So AAA came to my rescue about 45 minutes later.
Nicolle had given me the street address to her condo and not her apt. number... and forgot to turn her phone on, so I almost missed meeting her at all. Hers was the most central location to everything I needed. She's 37 (hhhhhh) with a little hyperactive pug and a fireplace. I think the room would be big enough for me but it might be a bit snug. Bed is included and I would have my own bathroom, though! It was a tiny little place and she's got it full with a lot of stuff. So... I was concerned that Michelle would be irritated by my messiness? I found myself wanting to clean up after Nicolle. Not that it was terrible, but I don't know that I want to deal with that, either, LOL. SO picky, I know.
So I ran away for a while after I met with Nicolle - I preferred to sit in my car an empty parking lot over trying to socialize any more that day. I still went to the party an hour early only to find that half the party was already there getting ready. It was a long and interesting night, going through the cycle of "please can't I go hide in a corner?" to really having fun and laughing with these folks and ending in a long conversation with Rick and Christa (one of the singles that lives at his place) and getting back to Brooke's at about 1. I'd thought I was staying with Rick's family again, but Brooke offered to keep me instead because of a scheduling conflict for them. She has a love seat sleeper. Never seen one of those, but I've been sleeping well on it. :-)

Sunday, 5:18pm
Church this morning took on a new feel after having spent all weekend "in church." It was a good feeling. I used to think I was putting on a front to be so comfortable with so many strangers... now I'm not sure that I'm not just remarkably comfortable with a bunch of people who were no longer strangers after the first five minutes. I met a couple that Rick got in touch with about possibly renting a room to me after church, but it sounds like they're even farther out than Liz. So, much as I'd like to room with someone from the church, I don't know that that's a wise option. I also talked with one guy at care group who lives in a duplex with three guys on one side and three girls on the other who might be willing to take me in for 200-something a month. They're all Christians and that would be really cool... but I don't like the idea of not having a sanctuary, a room of my own to hide out in (there are only 3 bedrooms per side). I'll drive by there before I leave town and see if someone's home, at least, since I really want to make a final decision this week.
A group of, gosh, 16? 18? of us went to Corona for lunch (it's like Monterrey's) and stayed and chatted for entirely too long before I left to meet Sara. I like Sara. She's only 25 (someone my own age!), the house is nice and new, it has fun (but not obnoxious) colors, my room would be bigger than any of the others I've looked at this weekend but is one of the cheapest, is 5 minutes from downtown and only 12 from church (17 from school), it comes with a twin bed, the stairway is big enough not to be a problem for moving my chair in, it's clean, and she's redecorating so I'd be able to help out with that and make it my own a little. I told her I needed to not make an on the spot decision but that I was VERY interested. :-D Unfortunately, I took a call from SportsClub while I was there, telling me that my heart was not in my massaging and they'd be looking elsewhere. Interesting that they know where my heart is and I don't, but after getting the same feedback after that second try I'd already pretty much guessed that answer.
Now I'm sitting in Carolina Coffee Roasters, my favorite coffee shop and just around the corner from church. I always go get a drink before church but didn't have time today so here I am, having long finished my Mistletoe Kiss drink, lol.
Not sure what the evening holds... tomorrow I have my two Tech meetings, an interview, and one m0re potential roommate to meet... talk about not being the same age. She's 53. I'm tempted to call it off at this point, but hey, I'm here and need to fill my time till 6:00, right? Also, I need to meet new people! Till next time....

Vitamins and sufficiency

"You want to take two of these, three times a day."
"But... it says you get all the vitamin C you need in just one!"
"Well, yeah, if you want to settle for JUST what your body needs. If you really want to do yourself good, you'll need more."

I'll confess to anyone that God is sufficient. That He is all we need. That He should be enough and if you feel like you need something more, it's a problem with YOU, not with Him. I'll claim those truths till I'm blue in the face.

But.

I have a "settling" mentality. I think that if I had nothing but God, it would be okay. I don't need anything more. In such a way that it's the same as saying, "You just need a little water and bread to survive." True, I suppose, but if you want to be healthy, you need vegetables. You need meat. You need exercise and sunlight.

I've been thinking of God as bread and water, and of friends and relationships and music and art as vegetables, meat, exercise, and sunlight. Not necessarily in that order. ;-) The things that you can live without but aren't necessary to keep you alive. It hit me tonight, though. I don't think that's it at all. What if He IS the bread and water... AND all the rest as well? And what does that make all the rest of the things in life that we so crave but mere reflections of the real sustenance we need for life more abundantly? Besides. If you really had nothing in life but bread and water, your body might not die, but I daresay, your soul would. And which is the more important?

[did I mention I'm having a rough time? it's true. I'm trying though. big road trip this weekend - four days, three job interviews, two meetings at the school, three singles' events, and I've lost track of how many girls I'm meeting with about my housing situation. I'm stressed and anxious and unsettled. please pray for me.]

I'm thankful.

Thankful that I'm not sick. Seems like everyone around me is, but I haven't caught anything yet. I'm chock full of hormonies and have had an annoying little headache for a day or two, but nothing big.

Thankful that my parents are supportive of me... and that they care enough to offer concern when they think it's due... and that they offer the free use of furniture. :-D

Thankful that I'm rich. Thankful also that I have a third spa who wants me to come in this weekend for an interview, and both of the first places have asked me back for a second visit - I'd hate to be at this point and have no job opportunities!

Thankful for all the people who have responded to my questions about housing possibilities - I'd hate to be at this point and have no idea of a place to move to!

Thankful for springtime days nestled a week and a half into December.

Thankful, oh so thankful, for my dear friends and family who listen patiently to my nonsensical ramblings and worries and tears. I love you very much.

Thankful that God is God and knows what He's doing... or so He says. ;-)


[it's been a rough week... slowing down is hard to do.]

Where's the beauty?

Sarah introduced me to "Cole" (I still think of him as Ian) some time ago. We've never met and I've never spoken a word to him, but sometimes God uses his words to speak to me.

He's long winded. Truly, I shouldn't say anything, because I'm quite the same. While that's something I appreciate in the blogs of close friends or in personal e-mails, it's hard to launch in sometimes, thinking "I don't know this guy and he wants me to read HOW much?" I read his update this morning, though; as always, I'm glad I did. When you have a few minutes, I'd encourage you to read it, too.

It got me to thinking. Why did I start this new blog? To whine about a bad day? To talk endlessly about little nothings? No, I wanted to share beauty. The beauty I see around me; the beauty of God. I wanted to encourage people and point them to Him. Where did that go?

I think you'll agree I have a lot going on right now... I told Lexi last night that I felt like I hadn't gotten much done yesterday, only to go and make a list of all I had done and it filled more than a page in my journal, heh. I have a natural tendency towards anxiety when I'm trying to get a lot done. I don't mean necessarily worry as such, but that thing where all your muscles are tense and you drive a little too fast and you can't take your time with things....

So I went and got a 30 minute massage yesterday, blowing the entire check I'd gotten for babysitting the night before. (hey, at least I earned my massage, right?) It was something the first lady I interviewed with suggested I invest in, as a part of my preparation for taking a spa job. I confess, I wasn't terribly impressed while lying there. Maybe I should have asked for a sports massage - I like to feel like I'm really getting work done on my knots. But it felt good; certainly can't dispute that. (I'm touch deprived, that's for sure. Ashley, come back!) Something weird happened though, between getting undressed and bidding my little therapist farewell: I slowed down.

I know that the relaxed feeling isn't going to last; no "feelings" do. But that place of rest is something I want to spend more time in. I can pray, read my Bible, talk to friends, and even give massages without ever resting in those good activities... and I think that's key to why I don't feel like I'm doing them very well. I talk a lot about enjoying life and not wasting it on drudgery and such... but I can do the things I enjoy without allowing myself to enjoy them because I'm too anxious about what else needs to be done... that's just as bad, and probably worse - the things I love become a duty to complete.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - about who I am and who I should strive to be and who I am not. Nothing new, I guess - doesn't everyone ask those questions at one point or another, including me, on multiple occasions, lol? No answers yet, but I'm looking.

But time. Time is slipping away as I speak of it.

Word to the wise...

When you can sit around in baggy pants all day long and don't have to go out or dress up, it's easy to let your waistline expand.

At the top of my To Do list for tomorrow: start being more careful about that!

"To tell the truth, I live in fear of audiences."

Of all the things I could dislike about interviews, I think what gets me much more than anything else is the way I have to sell myself. The knowledge that I have to stand out in order to be chosen over however many others have come before and will come after. What if I don't want to stand out? What if I don't want to get noticed? What if I just want "just me" to be good enough?

I went for a run and stayed up till 1 last night to make sure I slept. And sleep I did, but only till 5-something because my subconscious was paranoid that I wouldn't wake up in time to get to the first interview. I left the house just before 7, looking okay, I thought - my burgundy skirt and black bell-bottomed sleeve shirt with the burgundy tank underneath.

I got to the location a half-hour ahead of time (better early than late) so I sat in the car for a bit before going in. Once inside, I was told to my chagrin that I had the wrong "714 Main Street." I called and couldn't get through, so I left a message saying I might be late. I actually wasn't; found the place in time on the other side of downtown. But when I got there, they handed me 4 pages of application forms to fill out, mostly personal questions, how do you feel about this scenario, etc. Stacey got there and sat down across from me and waited... I got through page two before she was like, okay, we can talk about this instead. We went back to her office for all of maybe five minutes before she goes, "I hate feeling rushed like this. You wanna just head over to your meeting at the school and call me when you get done? And are you sure you know how to get there?"

I drove off and minutes later realized I'd forgotten to write down the phone number that was posted plainly on the front of the store. Then I couldn't find the street to turn onto to get to the school. What should have been a 20 minute drive took 50. With 10 minutes of time left in the time slot of meeting that had been arranged for me, I went up to the hall only to be struck by the fact that they hadn't told me a room number to go to and for the life of me I had no idea who it was I was looking for to apologize for not showing up. After pondering how I could possibly ask someone, "I was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago... any idea where the person is that I'm supposed to meet with?" I stupidly walked out again. I drove back to the store, called the number, and walked in.

Stacey wanted to know about my schedule. Didn't I talk about it at the meeting? I couldn't tell her. Not after she'd tried to make sure my directions were good. Not after she'd left her meeting to get to the interview that morning because she wanted to fit it in before my meeting. She seemed to like me okay... and said we'll be in touch about coming in again for step two of the interview - to have me give her a massage. I offered multitudinous thanks and left.

My confidence was so shattered that I didn't even want to go into Marble Slab. I did finally go and apply... I figure it's something to keep me from going completely under if something doesn't work out right away with the massage... and I truly do like it there. And I bet if they hire anybody, I'm a shoo-in with all my experience. ;-)

I wandered around downtown for a while and finally settled on Coffee Underground for lunch. A nice place, but I didn't feel like being alone after the morning's drama and I was somewhat unwell. Fortunately, A Shlee came online (I'd brought my laptop) and was my friend. :-)

Then I left for the other interview, leaving in plenty of time in case I went to the wrong place. Except when I went in to check (I had it right this time), the guys at the desk escorted me back and I sat waiting for a half hour. "Do you have your resume?" I... well, no... don't you? "Well that's okay, I can print it off. And obviously you're not dressed for it... I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you I wanted to get a massage today to see what you're like." Well, I have jeans and a collared shirt in the car I can change into! "Would you? And you don't have sneakers? You can use mine, if you want!"

So I gave her a massage. Wearing her shoes. And I ran short because she didn't want me to do the fronts of her legs (that's 10 minutes that I should have added elsewhere but didn't plan for ahead of time). Then when I asked for feedback she said I could probably be really good (and I think she meant it) but that I'm holding back, like I'm not sure I really want to be doing this. Now, this interview was at a gym, for people who want deep muscle tissue work. This is not a "pet me make me feel good" massage. I wasn't sure how to deliver for her. But she's right. If there's any word to describe me, insecure would be a good one. She said she hoped I'd be willing to come in a few more times and give the other girl a massage and that they'll give me some good advice... thought that was awesome but didn't make me feel very confident.

Of course, neither of these ladies was much for the fact that I've never worked this sort of job before. Just in case you thought they missed it.

I drove around a bit, just getting acclimated to the area, then showed up early at the house where Michelle, my prospective new roommate, lives. So early, in fact, that she pulled in a few seconds after I did. Which was just embarrassing for both of us. It's a CUTE house, in perfect condition, the room is a good size, etc. etc. My biggest concern is that the place was spotless. She's a self-proclaimed neat freak. I'm... well, let's just face it. I'm not. I wish I could keep a house looking like that, but I know I can't. She says she'd be fine with it as long as the common areas are clean... I just don't know that it won't become a point of contention, even with my best efforts.

It was dark. I was tired. I was all spent on people I didn't know, in a city by myself, discouraged about the interviews and missed meetings and frustrated that I was frustrated because it's so totally a pride thing and I KNOW it's a pride thing and it's still such a HUGE part of me....

I needed to fill up on gas. (got it for $2.76, btw. that's a plus!) As I was putting the nozzle into the tank, it started spewing gasoline everywhere and got all over my right foot and hand. Then when I got back in the car, starting to suffocate from fumes, I couldn't get the key to turn in the ignition. I sat there, unable to roll down the window and not wanting to leave the door open, fiddling with the key and crying for a good 5 to 8 minutes before it cooperated.

I had a long day. And I am tired. To those of you who asked, thank you for caring how my day went. It's just... it was a long story that I didn't want to have to repeat.

it'll just take a little time

For some, it is easiest to focus on the past. The good that was, beauties in life that have died.

Some insist on looking toward the near future. What good or dread is to be had in three months, half a year, five.

Others would rather see all life as though through the eyes of one who's already seen it. The aged who are no longer strong or beautiful, but wisest of anyone for all they've experienced.

Why must it be so difficult to see TODAY? The afternoon you are spending in quiet enjoyment with a friend. The three hours you wasted on a stupid movie you watched alone. The coffee date with someone you wish was more than just a friend but is a dear friend, nonetheless. Why is it so hard to see the beauty in the present moment? Why am I always looking behind and ahead but so rarely at the minute I'm actually IN?

I think I've blogged about this before... but I needed to hear it again.

"Praise the Lord! This is an answer to...

faith!"?

Wait, no, you're supposed to get "answers to prayer," right? Because if you don't pray and ask God... well, yeah, He's omniscient and He knows the desires of your heart, but it says "pray without ceasing!"


When I woke up yesterday morning, I had two e-mails in my box. One was from Tech, saying I had a meeting with a professor scheduled for 10am on Wednesday; could I make it? The other was from a spa in Greenville asking if I could come in for an interview at 4 on Wednesday. I also got a response from one lady saying she would be available Wednesday night at 6:30 to show me the house she's trying to find herself a roommate for. Oh, and another spa called and when I told her I'd be in Greenville on Wednesday, she said, oh, well can you come in for an interview at 9am?

At this point, the "normal" Christian answer would be, "what an answer to prayer!" But as soon as I thought that, I thought... but I haven't even started praying about this. I mean, okay. In my journal entries I've asked for guidance and provision and said, "I'm scared out of my skin but if this is what You want me to do...." But driving around, lying in bed trying to sleep, quiet moments... the prayers have been casual conversations, not what I'd consider to be "prayer and petition." To be sure, I SHOULD be! And will, now, as this is such a good reminder. It's just so easy to wait until you're desperate to start praying with desperation.

But the more I thought about this quandary, the more this line of thinking sounded works-based. "God won't answer unspoken prayer, woman! Get on your knees and gimme 30 minutes of weeping and gnashing of teeth!" But why not? He surprises me with a breathtaking sunset on a bad day when He knows I need it... what's to stop Him from granting bigger unspoken requests?

Or maybe He just wants to make sure that I don't take any credit for it: "You have too many [soldiers] for Me to hand the Midianites over to you, or else Israel might brag: 'I did it myself.'" Judges 7:2 "*I* spent days in prayer and fasting on my face before the Lord! And He finally pulled through for me. Took Him long enough." He certainly doesn't owe me what I ask for; I've long thought prayer was much more to our benefit than it was to His, anyway.

It's grace. Unearned grace that I don't deserve. I just have to accept it and praise Him for it.

This one's boring.

I spent several hours online locating and applying for massage therapy jobs on Saturday. I heard back from one telling me that they're a brand new business opening this week and they have everyone they need at present, but expect to need additional hands in the future. I got an e-mail from an "Emily" on Sunday, daughter of a CIU employee, and she's coming by tomorrow to check out my room and house to see if she'd like to move into my spot. I wrote Rick asking if he has any news about a place *I* can move into, but he said he doesn't have anything so far... sounded like he hasn't quite recovered from the holidays enough to really look. ;-) I also wrote one of the counselors at Tech on Saturday (haven't heard back; didn't exactly expect to, before the work week started) asking if I could schedule an appointment this week to come and talk to her about enrollment and the program.

I sang in church on Sunday. It felt much better to me than last time, heh. Then Iryna brought David home for the afternoon. He's adorable :-), but I was slightly envious and mostly unsure of how to interact with them as a couple and with him, having just met for the first time, so I spent most of the time in my room (I do that anyway, nowadays) and tried to take a nap. Then I built a fire and worked on my Christmas project. I thought about going for a run, but was stupid and didn't do it and couldn't sleep. Again.

Here it is, almost 5:30 in the morning, and I'm writing nonsense in my online journal for no reason other than I can't sleep... and I think I just miss talking to people.