Where's the beauty?

Sarah introduced me to "Cole" (I still think of him as Ian) some time ago. We've never met and I've never spoken a word to him, but sometimes God uses his words to speak to me.

He's long winded. Truly, I shouldn't say anything, because I'm quite the same. While that's something I appreciate in the blogs of close friends or in personal e-mails, it's hard to launch in sometimes, thinking "I don't know this guy and he wants me to read HOW much?" I read his update this morning, though; as always, I'm glad I did. When you have a few minutes, I'd encourage you to read it, too.

It got me to thinking. Why did I start this new blog? To whine about a bad day? To talk endlessly about little nothings? No, I wanted to share beauty. The beauty I see around me; the beauty of God. I wanted to encourage people and point them to Him. Where did that go?

I think you'll agree I have a lot going on right now... I told Lexi last night that I felt like I hadn't gotten much done yesterday, only to go and make a list of all I had done and it filled more than a page in my journal, heh. I have a natural tendency towards anxiety when I'm trying to get a lot done. I don't mean necessarily worry as such, but that thing where all your muscles are tense and you drive a little too fast and you can't take your time with things....

So I went and got a 30 minute massage yesterday, blowing the entire check I'd gotten for babysitting the night before. (hey, at least I earned my massage, right?) It was something the first lady I interviewed with suggested I invest in, as a part of my preparation for taking a spa job. I confess, I wasn't terribly impressed while lying there. Maybe I should have asked for a sports massage - I like to feel like I'm really getting work done on my knots. But it felt good; certainly can't dispute that. (I'm touch deprived, that's for sure. Ashley, come back!) Something weird happened though, between getting undressed and bidding my little therapist farewell: I slowed down.

I know that the relaxed feeling isn't going to last; no "feelings" do. But that place of rest is something I want to spend more time in. I can pray, read my Bible, talk to friends, and even give massages without ever resting in those good activities... and I think that's key to why I don't feel like I'm doing them very well. I talk a lot about enjoying life and not wasting it on drudgery and such... but I can do the things I enjoy without allowing myself to enjoy them because I'm too anxious about what else needs to be done... that's just as bad, and probably worse - the things I love become a duty to complete.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - about who I am and who I should strive to be and who I am not. Nothing new, I guess - doesn't everyone ask those questions at one point or another, including me, on multiple occasions, lol? No answers yet, but I'm looking.

But time. Time is slipping away as I speak of it.