Friday, December 28, 2007

rejection and guilt

I took the bunnies to a pet store today.

I feel terrible about it. I'm trying really hard not to... y'know, think about it. Hurting their feelings and such. They said they'd find them a good home. And besides, they're just animals. Rodents, even. I was bad at taking care of them, they stunk, they were a constantly a mess. And I get a cat instead. Cats use a box, you have only one place to clean up after them, you can keep them in the house, you get to know them, they're smarter... but I still feel bad.

I'm probably also anxious about the job. I changed jobs today, heh. I was hearing more and more bad things about this place I'd been accepted by... and then yesterday I got a call from the first place I interviewed with, saying they wanted me, too! I had a better feeling about them and I had originally hoped it would work out there... but the folks I'd talked to at Head Quarters had seemed really nice, offered me my first job, staked first claim and all that. Now there's probably no chance that I'll be able to work with them, if I don't like this other place. And I'm just getting started! This is my first job in the field and I turned them down??

I'm just scared, I guess. I really struggle with disappointing people, making people (or bunnies) feel rejected, asking too much and having someone give up on me. With the school, too. Those folks are there to answer my questions, right? Better to get my questions answered than to wander around not knowing what to do because I was afraid to bother them again, right? I just sent another e-mail saying that I might need to switch another class for my work schedule, and the response was "I'm checking this from home and it's going to be really busy and hard to get a meeting with someone when you get back." I guess... if she didn't want work to do, she shouldn't have checked her work e-mail from home, but still....

I'm just doing a lot of things differently and it's uncomfortable. I'll be glad when I can get into a routine. I just hope I like it once I'm there! XP


Anonymous said...

XP = crossed eyes, tongue stuck out? (I've been trying to figure out how to emoticon that for awhile.)

learning beautiful said...

LOL, yes. Well, close. I use it to mean that you're so disgusted that you're wincing. So, XD is a grin, so excited that your eyes end up shut, and >_< is another wince - irritated but trying to bear it.

learning beautiful said...

oh, heh, but in THIS context, XP meant "I'm anxious and frustrated and tired and ready for this craziness to be over." ;)