WHAT "justice" system??

I've been in a battle with my former apartment of residence since my last week there at the beginning of July.

The name is Laurel Woods Apartments in Greenville, SC, part of the bigger organization Edward Rose and Sons. Please feel free to avoid them at all costs. Yes, you're getting one of the best deals in town, but you're not even getting what you pay for.

I had every single one of my ducks in a row, with written and signed documents from multiple employees at the office saying I was allowed to cut my lease early without any additional fees. Five days before my new move-out date, they took it back, saying they hadn't bothered to do the research when I asked. And they wanted the rest of their money. With late fees.

I responded, thinking it was an honest mistake. And continued to respond, stating they had no right - it wasn't my fault they didn't do their own paperwork. I'd made financial plans based on the information I'd taken to be true, over a month prior. I figured I had a pretty tight case, even showed it to a few lawyer friends of mine. When the letters began to sound more like harassment than decent business, their collections notices weren't from the named collections agency at all but just a scare tactic, and the folks at Laurel clearly wouldn't listen to reason and decency, I had no choice but to take them to court.

Please be advised. If you don't summon the people in to testify, "Yes, I wrote that," our "justice" system will tell you flatly, "Without anyone here to confirm the validity of your documents, we dismiss the evidence as hearsay. Please pay up and we'll send you all further court costs."

WUT.

“What about the times when even followers get lost? Cuz we all get lost sometimes.”

I can’t think of a time when I asked God “Why?” from an attitude of faithlessness, but I’m making a distinction between that and despair, and maybe some people wouldn’t. Let me explain. I do despair. Really hard sometimes. But even then, I don’t challenge the Author for writing an unpleasant chapter. It’s just that I wish I could skip over certain chapters. A lot of my chapters thus far have made me want to skip to the end where the book is put on the shelf and the broken-made-whole being whose story was being told is released. Yet here I am.

To me, God knows what He’s doing. He knows what pains and joys I need to walk through in order to get me where I need to be for the greatest good. In order to set the stage for what’s going to happen four chapters further into the book. So I’ve always had a hard time when people argue that it’s a good thing to challenge Him. That you’ll never fully trust Him until you’ve yelled at Him. Where’s that going to get you? I don’t have the whole picture; He does. I don’t need to have all the answers right now; He has them.

“Why didn’t You do this the way I wanted?” “Why did You let that happen?” Well, obviously. Because it had to happen for reasons I don’t get to see yet. Who are we to assert that we know better than God what our best is? And besides, often, in the right timing, the human, *logical* answers do actually present themselves. Unless the reason is that “it had to happen in order to avoid this,” (e.g., I got fired because I was late to work but if I’d been running on schedule, I would have been killed in a car wreck) in which case you can only choose to be grateful for the unknowns you were spared.
God does sometimes give us pain that is “beyond our ability to endure,” to the point that “we felt we had received the sentence of death… that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” Honestly, that 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 passage has never stood out to me, and I’m so glad I’ve caught it now. That is VERY comforting. But why do people think that means that we need to challenge His wisdom? Is that really classified as relying on Him rather than on ourselves?

I just don’t see the connection, but it’s come up a few times in my life recently. Would it not be better to say, “I don’t get this, and it is more than I can bear, and I can’t see through it right now for all the tears and pain, but at least I can trust what won’t disappoint – that God knows what he’s doing and it’ll be good in the end.”

I guess in the end you have to figure out what you’re ultimately after. And it’s an answer, right? It’s to know how this is logical. No one asks God “WHY???” except in the extreme moments when we’re tired of the illogical. When the tears won’t stop. When your heart hurts too much to breathe. When (and isn’t this straight up pride?) you JUST HAVE TO HAVE AN ANSWER NOW. Because I DON’T DESERVE THIS MUCH PAIN. (are you really so perfect?) But still we all have moments like those where we have trouble making it to the next heartbeat and just need some relief. Because it IS “beyond our ability to endure.”

So what do you do? Find relief in screaming at God while rarely if ever actually getting an answer? (In my mind, that doesn’t seem like it would be much of a relief, unless anger makes you feel better… and isn’t that a problem all its own?) Or: once you can pause long enough to get your head on straight enough to think, reminding yourself of the truth. Remembering that today is just one piece of the puzzle, and even that might be turned upside down without a glimpse of logic to it. But one day it will fit in.

“In the end, the end is oceans and oceans of love, and love again. We’ll see how the tears that had fallen were caught in the palms of the Giver of love and the Lover of all and we’ll look back on these tears as old tales.”

Isn’t that a more peace-giving answer than demanding a reason and the only answer you receive is “the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God”?

Dr. Seuss vs. Eat Pray Love. FIGHT.

There are many ways to lose someone.

They can die. They can move away. You can lose them to an argument. You can lose them to a breakup. Sometimes you lose them so gradually you barely feel it; sometimes you choke on your own sobs, thinking, "How did we drift so far so quickly?"

Everyone's lost someone, so I'm sure you've heard the saying:

It's cute or quaint or something, but it's never been any practical help to me. Probably because whether you're concentrating on being happy or being sad about it, you're still CONCENTRATING ON IT. And even the happy memories can cut deep when you're missing someone.

I watched Eat Pray Love again recently - it had been a while. I had forgotten about all the brilliant nuggets it has. I'll have to go back later and make a quote sheet or something, but I think they hit in on the head when it comes to this subject.

"I still love you."
"So love me."
"I miss you."
"So miss me. Send me love and light every time you think of me... then drop it."

Okay, so it's not a profoundly Christian movie. But bear with me.

There are times when pain blindsides you and there's nothing you can do but let it run its course. But a lot of times, the memories creep up on us slowly and there's a point where we have to decide what we're going to do with them. I think what I often end up doing is crying my heart out till I'm too dead to care, rinse and repeat as necessary. Because it's like, you can either remember and let it hurt until it doesn't hurt any more, or block the memories until you don't have to block them any more, neither of which sound particularly good for your mental health.

But the idea in Eat Pray Love takes "Don't cry because it's over" to the next level. It tells you what to DO with that. It gives you a practical "Here's how." Feel the love you have for that person. Feelings are okay. But instead of turning it into shame or regret or angst, direct it to them. Call it prayer, call it positive intention, call it voodoo, call it what you will, but I feel certain you know what I'm talking about. Don't be wrapped up in the good or the bad of what was. Be present in this moment, offer a prayer or a thought or a feeling of love/joy/light/peace for that person. And then let the moment go.

And maybe, just maybe, you might just find that you CAN "smile because it happened."

Church: Disorganized

Church, generally defined, is a gathering of Christ followers. No need for a building. No need for music. No need for a sermon. Just people of common faith who get together for the glory of God. And everything we do is supposed to be to the glory of God, right?

So church can be 350 people in a building on Sunday just as much as it can be a “small group” on Wednesday or two people drinking coffee or a few folks visiting the movie theater or a handful of tree huggers on a hiking trail.

I live in Upstate, SC, where there’s a church for every spiritual walk you can fathom on nearly every street. We don’t need any new churches, as Webster defines them: a building for public and especially Christian worship....

What I DO want is to see a church that gets a little more disorganized.

I want to see a church that focuses on *doing stuff together,* more than is usually possible at the 10 AM – 12 PM weekly meeting, which tends to revolve around most of the individuals facing a few individuals for 75% of the time, with small pockets of interactive time spent largely on small talk. I believe that this ritual is invaluable to most Christians, but I also think most Christians need something more.

I’m 30 and single. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, but it has become increasingly difficult to make friends my age who don’t have the concerns that come with spouses and children and laundry and diapers and little growling tummies as they try to schedule time for friends into their world. So it’s just me. I’m not a church. I am a Christ follower who needs a friend or few to create a legitimate “gathering.” Personally, I’m often very happy doing things all by myself, but some things just go better with friends… and I don’t always know who to call. And I have a feeling I’m not alone. That’s why I created this page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/502707713144508/

I’ll be posting activity ideas here.  I hope you will too! I’m thinking hiking Paris Mountain, playing pool at Barley’s, Artisphere, maybe just cook dinner and watch a movie with a few folks. Something simple, something fun, but real. Real life, real discussion, real YOU wellness, with a couple of folks who are running your same race – chasing after Christ.

So. Wanna do church? 

In the Zone

“I dread going in. I get along okay with the folks there, but I'm uncomfortable almost the whole time, like I can't get a deep breath or ever really relax. Like my skin’s gonna get up and crawl away. I leave early nearly every time, feeling exhausted and miserable.”

“So why do you go to care group?”

Why indeed.

I go to a church that, like any good church, is big on fellowship and relationships. God has created us with a need to share life with people, to need input from other people to help us be strong when we're weak, to help us keep going in the right direction. I have no contention with this. But to them, this idea requires you to be involved in care group.

 

I go because I feel obligated. I go because everyone keeps telling me it’s good for me… still waiting to see that come about, though. And I go because people keep telling me to get out of my comfort zone.

But really, do I EVER get to spend any time IN my comfort zone? I mean, for crying out loud, I WENT to church on Sunday, didn’t I? I even walked right up to people and talked to them! And I go to work 5-7 days a week, where I'm required to interact with strangers, even over the phone! And then there’s yoga class. And the open mic. And I interacted with the folks at the table next to mine at Coffee Underground. And I was chatty with the strangers at Aldi.

I done already GOT outta mah comfort zone.

Why is “group” (call it house church or care group or home group or Meet Up or whatever) so important? If the reason people are so concerned about me is that they think I’m not spending time with Christians, then why are they not satisfied to hear that I share a meal with someone once or twice a week, spending the same amount of time, just engaging in a different social activity? Why does it HAVE to be with a group at least 30 people strong?

I skipped the church picnic last night. I really didn’t mean to. But I’d “dropped by” a friend’s house for “just a minute” and never did make it out of the driveway before the picnic was half over and I was half an hour away. We was fellowshippin’. And shouldn’t I feel BETTER about that? You go to a social event and you may or may not make a worthwhile connection… but I know I did!

One of the main points I took away from that conversation was this: I’ve never learned how to say, “No, I’m right, and you’re wrong” when it comes to feelings and opinions. As if it’s the epitome of “Pride comes before the fall!” to say, “Thanks for your input, but actually, I’ve tried/considered that, and this works better for me.” I know how to hear an opposing viewpoint… now I need to figure out how not to feel guilty for thinking I could possibly know what’s better for me.

Apparently this is a recurring theme for me:

http://learningbeautiful.blogspot.com/2012/05/church-soapbox.html

I'm an Introvert.

This is hardly news to me, but with all the “You might be an introvert if…” articles circulating FB right now, it’s more obvious now than ever.

And I’m actually kinda grateful for those articles.

I go to a spectacular church. But like any organization that serves multiple hundreds of people, you can’t please everyone. My church is hyper concerned (NOT a bad thing) with relationships, but this line of instruction makes no allowance for people who can’t handle more than a handful of people.

The thought of church-wide picnics, even outdoors with no walls to confine you, fills me with dread. Zumba doesn’t require interaction, so the crowd doesn’t matter if it’s not too bad, but as fun as contra-dance is, it’s hard to psych myself into going because you have to be face to face with so many people. I love going out all by myself – coffee shops, hiking trails, pool halls – no conversation required.

Suddenly it makes sense why I like “boring” jobs – introverts don’t do as well with being overstimulated. I’m not alone in feeling trapped if I don’t have an escape route when in a group. I’m not snooty for thinking small talk is a ridiculous waste of time. It’s normal for introverts to have just a few friends, and not want to be around them all the time… but to feel terribly lonely if they don’t have some best friend to share thoughts with. If I can be alone with one to three people, I’m great. But once a fourth person tags along, I’m retreating and would rather just stay home, thanks.

And here I am, writing. Another typical characteristic. If I can send you text rather than talk to you, please, oh please, may I? It’s not because I don’t like you, but rather because I DO. It’s because I HAVE something to say, which means I think it’s important, so I want to say it well! And writing lets me be analytical and thoughtful and say things the way I mean them.

I may expound on this later, but it’s time to go. I’m going to spend a few hours with a friend, her baby, and her baby-on-the-way. Good thing the husband will be home late, or else there’d be too many people in the room. ;)

It Starts with Food

I’m reading a Kindle book. I know, I know. But it was cheaper.

It’s called “It Starts with Food.” It’s about the Paleo diet – AKA eating food that’s actually good for you. Foods that actually add to your health rather than detracting from it due to unnecessary additives and processing and fake sugar and the works. And about how, if you’re eating real food that really is good for you, your body is actually able to operate at its full potential, including an increased power with which to fight disease, resist allergic reactions, recover from injuries, achieve better degrees of mental focus, and get a good night’s rest. Don't just feed your face - increase your quality of life with the food you eat. Good stuff.

I mention it because they brought up something and it struck me last night in a way that I’d never realized. Take cookies. You could eat just one… but if you don't watch it, you can eat a whole row. Somehow you’re a bottomless pit when it comes to Oreos. But you go to eat a steak and your body tells you when it’s time to stop.  Your body will let you gorge on junk food but when it comes to the stuff that’s actually good for you, it yanks the reins? What gives?

A steak has good fats, good protein, good sugars. Stuff your body needs for energy. You eat it, and it says, “Thank you very much! That should be enough to last me a while. You can stop now.”

An Oreo has bad fat, nearly no protein, and fake sugar. You eat it not because it’s good for you but because it has pleasing a psychological effect. So you eat that stuff and your body says, “This is not actually food. I haven't gotten any of the nutrients I need yet. PLEASE KEEP FEEDING ME.” And because it does play with your hormone levels and gives you a false sense of happiness, you don’t stop to reach for anything that DOES have nutrients… you grab another Oreo. Or scoop of ice cream. Or potato chip. The only thing stopping you is your stomach wall no longer being able to expand. (But if you keep it up, it WILL stretch farther next time!)

DUH! It’s so obvious. How have I never realized this before??

Conflict....

"It seems to me that we'd watch virtually all of the conflicts in our lives disappear if we let go of the lie that our opinions and feelings matter more than anyone else's...."

I posted that on Facebook a few days ago after chewing on some thoughts from the series we're going through at care group on relational conflict. It's just frustrating because, like so many things, even Christians tend to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause. Almost as an afterthought, they mentioned that it's a good idea to think twice and try to nip conflict in the bud before it turns into a fight. As if to say there's no way around starting chaotic conflict in the first place.

I'm not saying I don't have opinions. And I'm not saying I never disagree with anyone, even to the point of frustration! But... I don't insist on getting my way. And I don't have those kinds of conflicts. It never gets to that point. It never gets out of control, y'know? Conflict doesn't HAVE to be unavoidable! Especially the kind that causes relational DAMAGE!

I think it's interesting too - my statement on FB isn't overtly Christian. It's just logic. It's just true. Which is how Christianity IS - it's never nonsense rules and regulations but sensible aids to make our lives and relationships better and more fulfilling. That's not to say it's not also true that as Christians we have additional reasons to love - we have a bigger picture and a bigger God to be distracted by. Just like a non-Christian couple can have an incredibly satisfying, lifelong marriage if they choose to practice humility and patience, but Christians have even more reasons to fight together rather than in opposition to one another.

Still, there's a difference in my mind between having truths to remind yourself of... and being in a place where you don't HAVE to be reminded because the truths you know have changed your default reactions to your world. You don't get angry and then keep it in check... you just don't get angry. You don't act spitefully and then ask for forgiveness... you just act out of love. Your first response to disrespect is gentleness rather than indignation.

I'm certainly not suggesting I've "made it" anywhere. But I do see progress. I do see improvement. And I see a need to dig deeper rather than taking it for granted that we'll never get over certain things. You always hear that "Only God can change the heart" but do we acknowledge that such change also takes a lot of cooperation, hard work, humility, thinking, and persistence on our part? I wonder sometimes if we truly act like the heart can be changed at all, or if we've merely resigned ourselves to treating symptoms....

creative movement

That's my favorite phrase to describe an upcoming relocation of my worldly possessions, most commonly from one abode to another. Because it's never just packing boxes into vehicles... it's using creativity to decide where the items INSIDE those boxes will be moved TO. The living room? The closet? The bookshelf? How will it all look when it's done? Hopefully more organized than the last time....

I'm getting ready to move in a couple of weeks. It'll be the largest space I've ever had all to myself before. I'm stoked. I've been cramped for years... in fact, it's quite safe to say that I've never known what it is to have too much space to my name. I'm about to! But haven't been there yet.

I have this impression that my life will suddenly become amazing, not to feel cramped. That I'll be less restricted in mind as well as body. That I'll be less distracted, less frustrated, more able to let loose and create and keep house. I picture myself being more at peace with the world once my living situation is rid of its angst and confusion. No doubt there is SOMEthing to the idea, and feng shui masters would probably attribute a great deal of my discontent to my living situation.

But as excited as I am, I'm worried that I'm wrong. That I've set an undue amount of worth on this idea and that my mindset will actually change very little if at all.

I was witnessed to recently by a Wiccan who was very concerned about my freedom in life. I was told that, for my own sake and the quality of my life and happiness, I needed to abandon religion and God and be free. It was a tragic idea because a relationship with God is all about freedom. And yet as I sit here, I don't feel free. I feel trapped. Not by rules or religion or anything like that... but inside my head, with fears and insecurities and disappointments the impenetrable walls around me. I get lonely but the feeling I get when I'm around people is worse than the loneliness. I desperately want to have someone to love, but that seems to be its own sentence because I know full well how poor I am at even loving myself and ought not to be trusted with the heart of another. I can't stop to smell the roses because I forget what I was doing, lose all steam, am immediately overcome with weariness of soul and can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just end up wasting my evening staring at the computer....

It's raining tonight. Just a very gentle spattering on the pavement outside my window on the pavement below. I need it to drench my heart, loosen the kinks and calm the waves. I need the flow of the water to show me where the rocks of pride are that are forever tripping me up. I need peace.

mmmm

Mountains and rain drops. I couldn't help myself.

church soapbox

I promised myself I was going to be a more consistent blogger this year. Sorry, self....

I just attended "The Very Last Next. For Now." (inside joke, lol) this past weekend. It was on the subject of the church. If you've been reading my blog for any length of time whatsoever, you might have already guessed I had mixed feelings about THAT being the topic of a week long church service.

I'm a Christian. My decisions revolve around my relationship with God, revering Him, and reveling in what He reveals to me about life more abundant. I have Christian parents. I even have a few Christian friends. And I attend church 40-something weeks out of the year. I go because I've found a church that offers sound doctrine on the stuff I consider to be "of most importance," the music is both meaningful and enjoyable (not the most common combination), and people who are better than average at being real, welcoming, and lovers of God. But the topic of "the local church" gets me on my soapbox faster than just about anything else, and not in a way that paints it favorably.

Perhaps it's that it's portrayed as being simple. So long as you attend and humble yourself enough to pursue people who may or may not be pursuing you, and convince them to build deep and meaningful friendships with you, and are serving and being involved in the church services and events, and sign on the dotted line to become a member, you should have a strong Christian walk. Lose those things, and you will surely fail.

Each member of my family, my college experience, and many friends are testimony to the fact that it's simply not that simple.

Don't hear what I'm not saying. I've seen people struggle through very difficult spiritual times where they needed a strong brother or sister to be at their side, and because they didn't have it, they lost the battle for years at a time. Cultivating the humility to serve and to be open with strangers is healthy and good for the heart. Having friends serve as a mirror can be extremely helpful if they have the humility to say something, you have the humility to listen, and you had been avoiding the one in your bathroom. It's even true for some that if you sign on the dotted line, it's like signing a marriage contract, and it frees them to commit fully where they would have made excuses and been unfaithful otherwise.

I've just never been one of those people.

 No doubt it's due in part to being an introvert. One of the speakers this past weekend spoke of the "summer from hell" where he was doing research in a dream-come-true scenario but with no connection to the outside world while doing it. No friends. And he was MISERABLE. And I sat there thinking... EVERY summer was like that for me. I sat at home and did cross stitch or rode my bike or watched movies or read... there were no friends in my summers. Or my winters for that matter. Springs and autumns weren't great either. Some people react differently to... people.

I also like to think of myself as a thinking person. Analytical, contemplative, slightly above average intelligence according to my standing in high school (although I attended private Christian school, and that might bump my placing up somewhat...). If you are already capable of searching your heart, finding weaknesses and watching for them in your life with the intention of growing in those areas... if you read texts written by and take advantage of the great minds of the faith... if you commune with God and seek His face and input into your life... you have singlehandedly taken care of many of the reasons why "they" will tell you you have to have Christian friends. At your local church. Where you ARE a member.

Is it that I'm so rare that they don't think it's even worth mentioning? Or is it that they're afraid of admitting that there are exceptions because they think people will assume they're the exception and stop meeting with the brethren?

What irks me too is whenever I approach someone - spiritual leaders in the church - they never seem to hear me. What I'm saying is outside the realm of possibility in their minds, and so they either reinterpret what I've said or they discount it as pride or ignorance or even a sign that I might be drifting from God. And they respond accordingly - with care, but with advice and truths that have nothing at all to do with what I approached them about. I'm left feeling like I have no powers of communication, beaten into the ground, and still wishing someone would.....

What IS it that I want? What am I hoping to hear? What is the question?

Maybe I just want someone to tell me I'm not crazy. Y'know, to have one of those people who praise the necessity of wrapping your life around the church to say, "Sure, I can see how that would work for some people."

In the same way that a marriage contract is just a piece of paper - good only to make breaking the promise expensive to those who don't respect it, and good for nothing to those who would have remained faithful even without it - I'd propose that the cut and dried standards they so rigidly set forth as the formula for a prosperous spiritual life ought to be seen as helpful ideas rather than the ten commandments. You won't go wrong if you follow their instructions... but neither will you necessarily go wrong if you have your primary fellowship with believers who don't attend the same place you do on Sundays, if you spend time with C.S. Lewis in coffee shops rather than going to the church ice skating party, if you occasionally skip church to spend time in prayer by the waterfalls, if you spend time with people who teach you about God's love and wisdom and abundant life even though they don't have a relationship with Him. Truth is truth.

Having a church service every Sunday morning was a great idea. We DO need to charge our batteries, get challenged, be reminded of the centrality of our relationship with God. Very helpful stuff. And if you can find a good friend who'll mentor you, hey, more power to you. But while I'm sure pride factors into my frustration, it also causes me great concern whenever ideals are preached as standard and required. It breeds guilt in the weak, or else anger or discouragement.

At the end of a weekend where the message was, "You NEED to make the church the center of your life!" (wait, I thought that was supposed to be God?) they addressed what was probably the vast majority of the crowd - those who "might feel discouraged" by the fact that these ideals were nothing like their own experiences. And that they should not lose hope because God is all we NEED. Wait, what? Double standard, much? The answer I walked away with, the solution that balanced it all out for me, was that God IS all we need. Period. And regardless of what they might preach about involvement in the church, I can rest in the assurance that God loves me. And that His love is all I need because if I DO have any needs that could be provided by relationships in the church, He will provide those relationships. Because HE loves ME. And His love is strong enough to make sure I lack no good thing. If you're honestly living your life in an attempt to honor God as far as your understanding of Scripture and wisdom go, then no one should ask more of you.

If it were good for me, I would have it. And that's enough to wipe all guilt and worry away.

*sigh*

It's never too late. I get it. 40, 60 year old first timers.

But when do you stop hearing, "Oh, you still have plenty of time!" and get someone who understands?


"You're almost 30 and you're not even dating? Uff. I'm sorry, friend....

I know that stings."

bad guys and good guys

Have you ever noticed that you tend to compartmentalize people into bad guys and good guys? I hope someone else out there does... or else I'll REALLY feel like a bad guy!

Every story you hear seems to portray people in this way - David and Goliath, Jesus and the Pharisees, Cinderella and the Step Mother, John Preston and Father, the Jews and Hitler. The good guys usually have some sort of flaw, but the bad guys are just BAD.

Life don't work that way. I'd like to propose that people mostly think they're doing the right thing as they do it, or at least that what wrong they're doing is excusable because it's one of the the least evil options that will let them get their own way... they don't acknowledge evil actions as "evil" so much as "well... but this is what's best for ME." Or think about Hitler from Hitler's perspective. Didn't he think he was doing the right thing for his country and humanity? I'd argue that few people do evil things that they regard as inherently evil, for the sake of doing something evil, because they enjoy hurting people. Most people are much too preoccupied with themselves and how to make themselves feel good to worry about how it'll affect someone else - for good or bad.

I try to believe the best about people. That they didn't know what they were doing or it was an accident or they were just having a bad day. This can mean I spend a LOT of time thinking about the actions of others for the sake of viewing it in the best light. Some people make this harder than others, like, for me, it's easiest with people I either don't know from Adam or who I am already very close to (funny how that works) but I digress.

I was deeply hurt recently by someone very close to my heart. I tried to explain it away, to make excuses for it, to see if I was overreacting... but no. It really was a conscious decision to deliberately deceive me on multiple levels with no intention of coming clean about it if at all possible.

Mom, I know you're going to want more details. Please don't ask me. I don't want to dwell on it any longer.

My point in sharing this is: what now? Do you get angry? Do you walk away never to speak to them again? Do you forgive them and pretend you didn't find out their secret? That's the other thing I hope I'm not the only one guilty of, and it's in the same vein - I desperately want to deal in absolutes. Either I forgive you and we're okay or you're guilty and I'll try not to hold a grudge but you are no longer part of my life.

But I tried to see it from their perspective. The deception was intentional, but what was the motivation? Unfortunately for my desire for absolutes, this is not the "best friend" who turns out to be Tony Stark's Obadiah. It's just a normal person who sometimes thinks it better to withhold the truth for the sake of their image or because they think their pursuit of pleasure and happiness will disappoint/hurt someone and lying about it would cause less pain than if they knew the truth. Clearly they weren't TRYING to hurt me, but rather the opposite... in a twisted, self-serving sort of way. The goal was not to make me feel bad... only to make them feel good. They were just trying to please themselves and probably trying NOT to think about the way the consequences would effect those around them. Is that loving? Is that considering others above yourself? No. But to say it's intentionally UNloving is misleading, and that's what I tend to do.

And unfortunately I imagine that's what happens in a lot of marriages that fail. It need not even be infidelity. It could just be, "He obviously doesn't love me. How many times have I told him to put his socks in the hamper??" You feel unloved. You've even given him the benefit of the doubt and EXPRESSED your frustration rather than expecting him to read your mind and KNOW that a guy should pick up after himself even after he's married. But from his perspective? He had a hard day. He was distracted. Probably thinking about YOUR cute butt swishing around as you cooked dinner downstairs! I'm not a guy, but I know cute butts take precedence over laundry.

Few things grieve me as much in life as people who take offense at harmless thoughtlessness and mistakes, which is why I try to see things in the best light. So sometimes you can't explain away the circumstances or exonerate them entirely, but I think usually you can rest assured that the pain you feel wasn't part of their plan. Whether they blinded themselves to the wrong they did or they really just didn't know, they didn't mean to cause you pain.

I'm not saying that makes it okay. I'm not saying they're in the right in what they did. I'm not saying it's not sin and inherently wrong to fail to act lovingly even at the risk of your own happiness. I'm not saying you aren't allowed to run from certain situations that endanger you mentally or physically... or guard your heart against the words of a friend who isn't always truthful. What I AM saying is that forgiveness can be a lot easier if you try to see the situation from their side. When I feel sinned against and don't forgive, it's easy to get angry and judge and say harsh things and... indulge in the same sin and become the "bad guy" who is just out for self-serving and concentrating only on how *I* want to feel. But that person who hurt me? They're not the bad guy... they just weren't very good. True of all of us most of the time, yes?

Ripped in 30. Or something.

So... I turned it into "Ripped in 75." But I think I've decided I'm done. Like, I officially just did the week four workout for the last time.

I did week one for a week and a half.
Week two needed two weeks.
Week three stuck around for three weeks.
And week four... well, technically I DID do it for four weeks, but that first week was the week of my birthday, and I only did a workout once that week. I was too busy celebratin'. :-/

I did it that way because I'd get to the end of the week and think, "I'm still struggling with this. And the next one will be MORE difficult?? Let's try this again...." That's why it took me so long. YMMV.

So it begs the question.

I mean, I've never ACTUALLY done anything like this to completion. "Do XYZ for ## days and look like THIS!" And granted, there is a proposed meal plan to go along with the workouts that I did not follow, but I have eaten pretty well the whole time.

Did I lose weight? Yes! Only about ten pounds, but it's a great feeling to see a different tens-digit when I step on the scale. I'm finally starting to see my clothes fit a tiny bit better, too.

Did I build muscle? HECK yeah! I've possibly never been this all-over toned in my life. It feels great.

Am I ripped? No. No, I would not consider my condition to be one of rippedness.

So the question I'm begging. What do you do when you're done? Even if you reach your goal weight and look ripped and are friggin excited about how healthy your life has become... one day, the plan will end. Are you supposed to go out and buy another DVD? (Amazon reviews of her videos are funny, btw. people grade them down because THEY can't do them. what's funnier is one comment will say "I'm only in decent shape and it was too easy for me" and the next will say "I workout with weights and run all the time and this was too hard!" o_O) Do you just do the most difficult workout over and over for the rest of your life? Obviously you can't just STOP because your body will quickly get worse than it was when you started.

I guess they put time limits on it for all the people who are anxious - they have a swimsuit to buy or a prom to go to or a wedding to slim down for... they want to know how long they should do a certain workout so they know when they have to start in order to make it to their goals on time. Maybe.

Me? I think I'm just going to start over. See if I can make it through and only spend a week on each workout this time, LOL. And each workout is totally unique so I'm really not bored with any of them on this DVD yet... but I imagine one day I will be. *worried face*

TENJOOBERRYMUDS

Christy sent this to me at work back in 2010. I think of it often... and have to bite my tongue from using it. At least now I can use it with my family. ^_^


In order to continue getting-by in America, we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.


The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... Don't think so."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say.."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you?!

It is for freedom that we have been set free. Galatians 5:1

I live in a constant state of varying degrees of angst, anger, and mourning over the condition of the American church and the lives it destroys.

What I mean by that is simple - the more "deep thinking" people I meet, the more atheists I meet. Atheists who were once church-going people. And I've not met ONE who had nothing to say about being judged by those in the church - either for something they'd done, a struggle they were having, or a question they'd asked.

Whatever became of "No one comes to the Father but by Me (Christ)"? In other words, who are you to condemn someone for their flaws? It is only Christ who can save, not works. Whatever became of "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing"? In other words, the most important thing you can do as a Christian is to love the people around you, not judge them.

Yes, I have selfish motives too. I'm single. I'd rather NOT be. But the kind of man in whose company I long to be is a thinking man. A wise man. An intellectual, if you will. People of this kind are few to begin with, so it's exciting when I find one... until I discover he's just another who couldn't bear up under the burdens of the pharisees.

Maybe it saved my soul after all - not to be too involved in my church and relationships therein, as I was growing up.

C.S. Lewis is one of the most widely read Christian authors, right? (I've never heard that stated statistically, but it just about has to be true, so we're going with it.) He's AMAZING. If so many have read his works, so many of which deal directly with the dangers of tradition without meaning and the need to integrate active love into every fiber of your being, why hasn't the church caught on?

It's never JUST the treatment from church, of course. They start thinking independently and their conclusions conflict with what they've heard growing up, so they eventually abandon it completely for the life that makes more sense, logically. The problem there is that it's so absolute. Which makes SENSE because the church tends to present itself as absolute, starting with "Jesus is the only way to salvation" (true) and going to such extremes as "gays deserve to be persecuted" (untrue). In fact, in some churches, you can get in trouble or at the very least shunned if you start challenging what's said, but if you can't bring yourself to shake the underlying message that everything they present is absolute, then you MUST reject it entirely. And therein lies the problem. Because guess what? Every church is full of flawed, sinful, foolish people. Sometimes out of hate, sometimes out of ignorance, a message is taught that is either inherently or subliminally wrong and becomes a stumbling block.

All it takes is, "Of course evolution isn't true. The Bible says otherwise. Stop asking questions." Do you REALLY know that God didn't use evolutionary properties in the process of creation? Were you there? After all, "A thousand years are like a day." Or perhaps, "Stop doing that. You're a disappointment to your family and to God." How horrifying. Christ DIED out of love for that person. LOVE. An awareness of sin that inspires growth is one thing; paralyzing guilt is something else entirely. The former builds up; the latter drives the person either to weakness and numbness or rebellion.

And so they go their own way. They say, "I can do a better job of living than this. I can be happier because I won't be guilt-ridden, I'll actually love people - unlike all those judgmental Christians, and I'm going to start enjoying life." When in fact, if they'd taken the flaws of the church with a grain of salt and studied the Scriptures for themselves and come to their own conclusions about what was said rather than accepting what was said from the pulpit as absolute, they might just have seen that debilitating guilt has no place in the life of a Christian, our second greatest commandment IS to love people (and we have better reasons for it than anyone else in the world), and "it is for freedom we have been set free."

"Go and sin no more" might not mean "If you sin again, you're going straight to hell" so much as it probably means "Go live life to the fullest. That means not letting this foolishness bog you down any more. A full life requires the use of wisdom, and she's knocking... but letting her lead you requires an alert mind and open heart."

coffeecoffeecoffee

I love my little coffee shrine. It's so zen.

Monday through Saturday I get up in the morning, put the little filter in, put two rounded tablespoons of Folgers in the filter, fill the pot up with water to a little past the "2" mark, pour it in and turn it on. One spoon of sugar, two sloshes of creamer, and hot coffee into a cute mug like the one you see here, and voila!

Sundays I go fellowship with my coffee shop owner friend, Ian, before driving two minutes up the road to go to church. I like Ian. He's really, really cool. Don't know many Catholics, but I'd wager he's one of the coolest ones available. And he makes me good coffee on my coffee-making day of rest.

I don't know. Maybe it's that it's one thing, however small, that I can count on to ground my day. Coffee and quiet time. I don't even need it for caffeine - it doesn't have that effect on me. It's just... an innocent little indulgence into habit and routine that makes me happy. I even try to keep that surface cleared of other stuff just because, even if everything else in my life is a wreck, THIS little place I go to in the morning can be clear of clutter and distraction.

Coffee's ready.

Ripped in 30

In regard to my own journey to a healthier lifestyle, I wish I had more to report.

My awesome little brother found out that I like Jillian Michaels workout videos and gave me what is rumored to be her most difficult video to date. To give you an idea, I like workout videos, I stay pretty strong and was in tolerably good health when I started. I could even do more pushups than my Marine brother! So you're supposed to do each of four workouts for one week and by the end of 28-30 days, you'll be ripped. But I can't handle it. Week one was 10 days. Week two was 14. I'm in "week" three now and I'll probably give it a solid three weeks before venturing into the most difficult workout on the DVD. And I've been doing them four or five times a week. >_<

And maybe it's mostly my diet - I'm careful but I haven't been restricting as much as I was at the beginning of the year. But I've only lost like six pounds in the five and a half weeks that I've been doing this workout and trying to get healthier. And I LOOK really toned, but I don't notice my clothes fitting much better at all. Kinda bummed about that at this point. But it's still good to feel like I'm doing something for my health. ^_^

Happy Thoughts, Healthy Body, Hopeful Future.

That's the title of a "tumblr" I started following a few months ago. The author calls herself "Em" and she's almost ten years younger than I. And I love her site because it's so uplifting. Pictures of beauty. Reminders that women can be beautiful despite their size because the attitude shines out. An emphasis on healthy living not because you need to be skinny but because you need to be... healthy. All sorts of positive sayings for all people. Enjoying the simple things in life.

Do I agree with her on 100% of everything? Not quite. And she brings little to no input that indicates an adherence to any specific religion. And she's SO AWESOME.

Also, I think she originally started the site to chronicle her fitness progress. She ended up losing less than ten pounds (according to the before and after picture I found... this was all long before I started reading), but because she did it "the healthy way" and started working out more and building muscle, you'd have thought she'd lost 30-40. My. Hero.

Em, if you ever stumble across this entry of mine, I have so much respect and admiration for you. Thanks for being a consistent bright spot even on dark days.

Men are like cars, part 2

And then sometimes, on those very rare occasions, the car is exactly what you were hoping to find, inside and out.

And sometimes, on even more rare occasions, the guy you had good vibes about for no logical reason actually turns out to be someone you really enjoy... and who wants to get sushi with you sometime soon.

Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut and go for what you really want while you can.

(this is so unlike me...)

^_^

EDIT: Unfortunately, unlike cars, you can't take men to a mechanic to make sure everything is as sound as it seemed on the first couple of outings....