Saturday, April 19, 2008

not beautiful

Not very. Not today.

My heart is weary and heavy laiden. So I asked God for rest.

Or did I? I thought I did. Maybe I only thought I did. I've thought about doing a lot of things.

One half of me sits dead as a stone on the floor of a dreary room, chained to the other half that is scrambling madly around, looking for truth, hope, a window, a key. I am heavy. She is annoying. We fight a lot. Sometimes I convince her to sit quietly and we cry together. Sometimes she has the strength to pull me up to search with her.

God, won't You set us free?


I got ugly today. The kind of angry you can only get when you're at fault but you desperately want to blame someone else in hopes you can get out of the sure terror that will befall you in consequence (that is never actually as bad as you feared). See, there's this huge calendar on the wall at work and I referenced it when I asked off the days I needed to for NA08 (the last weekend in May) back in January so I'd be sure to get them off. But as it turns out, the calendar is from last year. 2007. Mary just asked me about it today, now that someone else has already asked off that Saturday and I'm booked for four massages-for-two. I ended up raising my voice at her, even though it's awesome that she thought to say something about it now rather than a week before. I think I scared her. I scared me, too.

I got ugly last night as well, though I managed not to yell at anyone in the process. Something about not wanting to serve in children's ministry but wanting to be a good mom and... bitterness. So maybe I managed to hide it then... but *I* saw it.

I've been ugly a lot lately. It's unnerving when my armor gets thin like this. But then again, that's the point, right? The fear and the shame and the worry and the failure to trust anybody and everybody I'm ugly at. That's the lesson. The one that's currently destroying me... but in the good way. I'm relying on my own strength and I can't keep it up. And I don't trust God. I had no idea it could have so many layers or run so deep, hh.


Anonymous said...

My heart is heavy with you...for you. I love my lil lady frog.={...

Anonymous said...

From my devotions today out of Psalms 139: "The Bible says God knows your thoughts before you think them...It should encourage you that from the moment you were conceived...God has complete knowledge (including the fact that you were going to look at an old calendar and ask for the wrong days off)and control of your life...Your feelings don't change the facts. God knows you, understands you, and is actively at work on your behalf. You can count on this promise, no matter how you feel."

Yeah, that's all old news. But I share this with you anyway, since we've all heard the familiar saying, "Preach the Gospel to yourself," and especially since you might be too close to the situation to be able to be truly objective. And because I love you.

P.S. Has anybody gotten rid of that old calendar yet so this doesn't happen to anyone else?!Mom