Monday, April 14, 2008

He's a pirate.

Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

At least once more, Miss Swann, as always.

[As a long side note: I've never thought of myself as a great movie buff, but apparently the ones I know, I know well. Alaina had Pride and Prejudice going in her living room and I found myself affectionately quoting along with it. I don't even own that movie; how could I possibly have seen it too many times?? Or the time I was at The Spa and asked Kristen, "May I have my tips please, Darling?" When Jenn came over to get them out for me instead, I said jokingly, "You're not my Darling!" She got all offended until I told her it's a line from Fievel Goes West. Then she didn't think I was offensive... just obscure. Oh, and my favorite. The door to the pantry at my parents' house makes this awful groaning sound when you open it. It sounds not unlike the cry of a wookie. But it's also the same two sliding notes as the scene transition where Inigo Montoya leans on the tree that leads him to the Pit of Despair.]

So it seems I have a multitude of quotes to pull from. And often do. I haven't seen Pirates in some time, but I've been feeling ridiculous lately and this line got stuck in my head. She doesn't just love him. They've been best friends since childhood and he ought to be able to call her by her first name by now. But he insists on tradition and "propriety."

I have that problem. Not propriety necessarily, but I get to a certain comfort level with my friends and I stop. I'll tell you my life story, but I won't trust you as far as I can spit. Not that you'll do something horrible to me... but that you'll do nothing at all. And it's hard for me to remember that when that comes out, chances are that you'll feel spit UPON for not being considered trustworthy by now.

And it's just like that with God, only worse. He'll provide, lavish gifts, tell me in actions and even written Words that He loves me. But nooooo, no no. He mustn't. No, I say that not for anything He's done or withheld... it's just I don't trust Him to be faithful. You start to trust somebody and that's always the moment they take off. It's how it goes.

Isn't it?

So you get to the point where you're scared of being forgotten but you're just as scared of coming across as annoying and you end up blurting out something that makes no sense... other than that you don't trust this friend... and now you've hurt them. And God reaches down and says, "Can you see that you're doing that in our relationship too?" Then if you're lucky, your friend wasn't actually annoyed at you and they forgive you for your spittles and God leans slowly down till you can count His eyelashes and He (somehow gently) stares you down and says, "Have you forgotten that I do that for our relationship, too?"

At dear Christa's suggestion, I finally started on Running Scared, a book I actually bought myself over Christmas break because I knew I probably needed to read it. I just hadn't gotten to it. Or I'd been too scared, heh. I just finished section one and it's really good so far. Either that or it's just extremely what I need to be hearing right now... most probably both.

I still feel trapped though. Like I'm suffocating or drowning. The pain in my wrists comes and goes but my body as a whole is achy and weak most of the time and I just generally feel awful. And as always, there are so many variables that I have no idea what it is that I need to change, or how. Too much work? Too little exercise? Too much food? Too little? Not enough or too much of a certain thing? Not enough water? Lack of sleep? Or is it mostly emotional??

*sigh* I'm... tired.


Anonymous said...

this is the 2nd blog i've read this morning and the 2nd one to talk about fear (and specifically to mention Running Scared) - the other was

I am praying for you my friend!


Anonymous said...

on a side note, my coworker 2 cubicles away is saying something I don't know in a foreign language and it sounds like she's saying "parlay" (not sure if that's how you spell it but it made me giggle!)