very nearly done

Tonight was my last class of my first semester of art school!!

Unfortunately, there was this little paper that I forgot to turn in (literally little, just one page) and I didn't remember her saying that we were supposed to turn in our portfolios again (why? hasn't she seen them enough??) so... prolonging the joy. Or something. But my classes are done and I'm confident that I passed both with fair or significant margins, yay.

I think I have all but two of the projects back... but... I don't really feel like messing with them and the scanner tonight. Soon, I promise. :)

YAY!

Liz and Nathan have a baby!! His name is Jeffrey Isaiah. Awwwwww.


Sorry, I'm not a big picture taker... but here he is with grandma. XD He's precious.

PICTURES!

Yes dear friends, after all this time, I've finally taken some pictures. I got the motivation when I did an overhaul on my room last night. (Doesn't anyone want to come visit while it's still clean???) So anyway, not sure how much longer I'll be here LOL but here it is, and I like it. :-D

We'll do my room first, a shot from each of the corners, going clockwise. No, you don't get to see inside my closet. Just trust me on this one - it spans the entire width of the wall that it's on. So it's a fair size, just not very deep.


issakittyyussitis!

Leave my room and you can see the spacious bathroom (it really is, it's just hard to take good pics of bathrooms...), linen closet, Raquel's room, and the laundry closet.

If you go right out of my bedroom, you'll tumble down a wide set of stairs. At the bottom, you see Sara's bathroom and bedroom to the right, and the back door and storage closet to the left.

Past Sara's room to the right is the kitchen. Pardon the mess. It's not mine. :-P


Yes, we have white columns in our house. Pass out of the kitchen/dining area and you come to the living room with a borrowed TV, former roomie's bookshelves, and hand me down purple couches. And also the front door.


Here's the view from the front of the house, yay! And working our way around to the back...


that door is to a small storage shed that Daniel keeps empty and won't let us use. -_- Those steps lead up to the back door.

Here's a shot of the neighborhood as you're looking at it down the street behind my house...

and some condos across the way. You can see the playground from here, too. Haven't tried it yet, but it seems cool. ;)


Soh. There you go!

fuzzy

I can't... quite... see. It's as though I go through the day in "that place between asleep and awake." I grasp at ideas like a vapor, and they are gone. There's a haze on everything. Listening and communicating is harder than I remember them being. I'll sit down to write and realize I've forgotten what the subject was. I've been reading more, and strangely this problem doesn't seem to affect that as much, though I admit I rarely read very much at a time.

It sounds like sleep deprivation, and the symptoms are similar, but yet different somehow... and I've been sleeping okay.

I just feel funny. And as soon as I start to wonder about it, I have to put it aside for something else - work or projects or care group or what have you.

Everything's fuzzy. And busy. And noisy. Somebody asked me yesterday why I didn't want to hang out last night. I still can't put a finger on it, but I'm looking for something. Some quiet that yet eludes me as soon as I get alone.

----------------------------------

"Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can ya handle this?
...
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, or when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?"


"Be still. And know. That I AM God."

and where it stops, nobody knows

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

...it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:9

...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling Philippians 2:12


Back to that conversation Friday night at care group. The one that I was all upset about, but at least not yelling.

It went like this. I've spent years as a nanny, babysitter, serving in children's ministry, and taking care of my younger brother, covering (at one point or several) children ages 1-12. I've got the experience. And I know I don't like serving in children's ministry. So I approached a couple of people about whether there was another area in which I could be serving. I was met with concerned looks and the question, Why don't you like children's ministry?

Well, I don't like games. I never have. When I was little, I tried to get out of going to recess. Failing that, I would hide in little spots on the outskirts where I could be alone. I hated P.E. even worse.

I hate teaching in a formal setting. I had to do it for a year in college, and I think that's long enough to know for sure that I don't like it. And guess what age I taught? Five year olds.

I can't stand whiners and I won't stand for it when I have kids, but there's nothing I can do about someone else's kids who were raised thinking it was an acceptable way to ask for something.

I don't like entertaining big groups of people, no matter what age.

So at some point, the individuals I was talking to would ask, Well, what if you viewed it as a means of sanctification? The only Scriptural backup I could think of for this idea would be the Philippians verse, and that's really stretching it. God stays plenty busy with me. I don't think He needs help finding ways in which to sanctify me. No, I'm saying I want to serve, I want to help the congregation in some way, and there are lots of things that need doing that I actually enjoy and do well. Why pick one that will make me miserable?

Well, if it makes you miserable, then maybe you should check your heart. It sounds like you're going into it already determined that you're going to hate it, so of course you will. But what if you looked at it as an opportunity to learn ways to play with your kids, since you might not like games but they will?

If I'm going to be thinking along those lines, I know I'll get depressed. I'd be consciously preparing for something I don't believe will ever happen.

Why on earth would you believe that? When we're delighting in Him, God puts desires in our hearts that will be fulfilled. He's not out to trick you, dangle something in front of you and then say you can't have it.

You sure about that? Cuz I know I've seen things that look an awful lot like He does that sometimes because it was best at the time. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

He's a good Father. He's going to give good things to His children.

Yes He will. But how can you be so sure that what you see as good is what He will see as good? You don't know the big picture like He does. You don't always get what you want, no matter how much you want it or believe it was promised to you.

He wouldn't give you desires and then not fulfill them. "It's better to marry than to burn." If you've got that burn in you, then you can rest assured that you'll get married one day.

This is the one that really got me, and it's the third time I've heard that argument used in the last two weeks. You ever notice how the verse starts? "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry...." There's no assurance there. If you can't practice any self-control, then go ahead and mess up your whole spiritual life because you WOULD be better off taking the route that you think is easier. But if you can stand it, stay away.

Well, I can't stand it!

You don't have any prospects, either. Maybe one day God will be gracious and take that desire away, never having allowed you to find someone to marry.


This is another one of "those things" that I can't find a solid answer for. I wouldn't wish my lack of hope on anyone ever, but the reasons for their hope don't hold any water for me. I'd love to be proven wrong, but the answers are always in the same vein. The way I see it, the issue is not whether or not I should hope to have a family one day, but that I should hope in God's good provision, never knowing how that might look. But I desperately want to hope for something more specific and it frustrates me to hear that people DO... but I can't accept their reason.

Am I missing something again?

not beautiful

Not very. Not today.

My heart is weary and heavy laiden. So I asked God for rest.

Or did I? I thought I did. Maybe I only thought I did. I've thought about doing a lot of things.


One half of me sits dead as a stone on the floor of a dreary room, chained to the other half that is scrambling madly around, looking for truth, hope, a window, a key. I am heavy. She is annoying. We fight a lot. Sometimes I convince her to sit quietly and we cry together. Sometimes she has the strength to pull me up to search with her.

God, won't You set us free?

No.


I got ugly today. The kind of angry you can only get when you're at fault but you desperately want to blame someone else in hopes you can get out of the sure terror that will befall you in consequence (that is never actually as bad as you feared). See, there's this huge calendar on the wall at work and I referenced it when I asked off the days I needed to for NA08 (the last weekend in May) back in January so I'd be sure to get them off. But as it turns out, the calendar is from last year. 2007. Mary just asked me about it today, now that someone else has already asked off that Saturday and I'm booked for four massages-for-two. I ended up raising my voice at her, even though it's awesome that she thought to say something about it now rather than a week before. I think I scared her. I scared me, too.

I got ugly last night as well, though I managed not to yell at anyone in the process. Something about not wanting to serve in children's ministry but wanting to be a good mom and... bitterness. So maybe I managed to hide it then... but *I* saw it.

I've been ugly a lot lately. It's unnerving when my armor gets thin like this. But then again, that's the point, right? The fear and the shame and the worry and the failure to trust anybody and everybody I'm ugly at. That's the lesson. The one that's currently destroying me... but in the good way. I'm relying on my own strength and I can't keep it up. And I don't trust God. I had no idea it could have so many layers or run so deep, hh.

Design project: next

is going to be late.

I'm sorry. It can't be helped. We're supposed to do three paintings, exemplifying three color schemes, all the shapes of which must be taped off.

I hate taping off paintings. The tape tears the paper, it leaks paint underneath, and it takes FOREVER to apply. I thought I was doing so well, but after the first blob had been applied and I saw how awful it looked after how long I'd spent on it, I gave up and haven't been able to bring myself back to it.

And we have another project that requires taping due on Monday, too. Possibly not quite as much, but still. More of the same.

mrf.

"Fear is the mind killer."

~Dune



How ironic.

He's a pirate.

Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

At least once more, Miss Swann, as always.


[As a long side note: I've never thought of myself as a great movie buff, but apparently the ones I know, I know well. Alaina had Pride and Prejudice going in her living room and I found myself affectionately quoting along with it. I don't even own that movie; how could I possibly have seen it too many times?? Or the time I was at The Spa and asked Kristen, "May I have my tips please, Darling?" When Jenn came over to get them out for me instead, I said jokingly, "You're not my Darling!" She got all offended until I told her it's a line from Fievel Goes West. Then she didn't think I was offensive... just obscure. Oh, and my favorite. The door to the pantry at my parents' house makes this awful groaning sound when you open it. It sounds not unlike the cry of a wookie. But it's also the same two sliding notes as the scene transition where Inigo Montoya leans on the tree that leads him to the Pit of Despair.]

So it seems I have a multitude of quotes to pull from. And often do. I haven't seen Pirates in some time, but I've been feeling ridiculous lately and this line got stuck in my head. She doesn't just love him. They've been best friends since childhood and he ought to be able to call her by her first name by now. But he insists on tradition and "propriety."

I have that problem. Not propriety necessarily, but I get to a certain comfort level with my friends and I stop. I'll tell you my life story, but I won't trust you as far as I can spit. Not that you'll do something horrible to me... but that you'll do nothing at all. And it's hard for me to remember that when that comes out, chances are that you'll feel spit UPON for not being considered trustworthy by now.

And it's just like that with God, only worse. He'll provide, lavish gifts, tell me in actions and even written Words that He loves me. But nooooo, no no. He mustn't. No, I say that not for anything He's done or withheld... it's just I don't trust Him to be faithful. You start to trust somebody and that's always the moment they take off. It's how it goes.

Isn't it?

So you get to the point where you're scared of being forgotten but you're just as scared of coming across as annoying and you end up blurting out something that makes no sense... other than that you don't trust this friend... and now you've hurt them. And God reaches down and says, "Can you see that you're doing that in our relationship too?" Then if you're lucky, your friend wasn't actually annoyed at you and they forgive you for your spittles and God leans slowly down till you can count His eyelashes and He (somehow gently) stares you down and says, "Have you forgotten that I do that for our relationship, too?"

At dear Christa's suggestion, I finally started on Running Scared, a book I actually bought myself over Christmas break because I knew I probably needed to read it. I just hadn't gotten to it. Or I'd been too scared, heh. I just finished section one and it's really good so far. Either that or it's just extremely what I need to be hearing right now... most probably both.

I still feel trapped though. Like I'm suffocating or drowning. The pain in my wrists comes and goes but my body as a whole is achy and weak most of the time and I just generally feel awful. And as always, there are so many variables that I have no idea what it is that I need to change, or how. Too much work? Too little exercise? Too much food? Too little? Not enough or too much of a certain thing? Not enough water? Lack of sleep? Or is it mostly emotional??

*sigh* I'm... tired.

how long, oh Lord?

Before I will trust? Or have faith? How long will I ride the roller coaster of emotions in my heart when my head knows the truth full well?

How long will I wish bitter words unsaid... or sit in silence for fear that they will come plummeting out? How long before I love You too much to be shaken by the frustrations of life?

How long will I be tired?

Design project 8

Go out into nature and find some things. Leaves, grass, flowers, whatever. Glue them down onto a piece of bristol board in such a way as to be artistically pleasing. Must be at least 6"x6". You have the option of bringing the project into class to be flattened before turning it in. (I did so)


Addendum: the image for Design project 7 has been updated. I repositioned the circles right before turning it in and pasted it on a black sheet instead of a white one. The image doesn't look much different from the way I presented it before, but it's a better scan and the orientation is correct. :)

in pain...

I went to the gym last night. I've been going pretty faithfully - three times a week almost every week for a month and a half. I approached one of the guys to ask about the chiropractor they have on staff... but as soon as I needed it, the word "chiropractor" went out of my head so I stood there with my mouth open for a second and he said, "Oh, you want to work with a trainer, don't you? Come on!"

I got suckered in.

I worked with Janelle for 15 minutes. Just 15. When I went to the gym on Monday, I was there about two hours. Which I don't mind - working out feels good to me. But when I got out of the car after I had driven home last night, I could barely climb the steps to the front door.

Actually, it's not that I'm in pain... not yet... I'm just very aware of my weakness. Like, can't straighted my legs and flex my quads, weak.

Love it.

Design project... 37?

I've lost count.

I would have gotten a hundred on the gargoyle, except she counted it late. You saw the three wheels of grade scale, got an A+ on that and the same on my nature collection (haven't scanned it in yet, but I have it back so I should be able to, soon). Then we had the frottage project, which I feel okay about, and the huge book project after that. I totally botched the book part - my pages aren't all the same size (I think they were better before I tried to trim them ) and the cover didn't come out quite as clean as I had envisioned, but I thought all (well, almost) my 26 line drawings inside were quite good, so I may still do okay. Plus I was one of the few who turned it in on time, lol.

The project we turned in last night is pretty self-explanatory when you see it - complimentary color scales, and those going to white, and the basic colors going to black, and the color "wheel." Ideally, I would have had a square punch for the swatches, but I couldn't find one and she'd said it was acceptable to use the circle.


Total swatches used: 193
Estimated total swatches painted: over 400
Estimated creation time over the last week: two class periods (3), one day (5), one morning (2), one afternoon (2), two evenings (6) = 18 hours. Enjoy! (or else!)

I didn't see anyone else turn theirs in yesterday (I mean really, what normal person has 18 hours in one week to spend on one Design project anyway??) but when I handed her mine, she sounded really pleased and showcased it to the class as an excellent example.

[Will post a proper scan when I get the project back, but I finished the project with just enough time to clean my crap out of the living room and pack the car for class to get there right on time... no time for scanning!]

What do you do?

When you love something. Absolutely love it. Don't think you really want to DO it for a job, but you want to do it better, so you go to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into taking the certification exam because, why not? You went to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into getting a job in the field because, why not? You went to school and took the test and got the license for it. And then you get a job! Who would have thunk? And you like what you do, you like your co-workers, your boss, the atmosphere, the people you help, the money...

but you're standing next to a client one day and you suddenly realize... "I don't like my job"?

I miss you

like an old friend. You saw my good days, you caught my tears, you kept my secrets. I know you - every curve, the sound of your voice, your scent. My favorite songs remind me of you. You always lift my spirits and remind me what is true. You listen to me when no one else will. You were there for me.

I miss you like an old friend.

I love you.

And that was the day...

...I realized I will never feel the need to go into a strip club.

Not even for a drink to celebrate a co-worker's birthday.

It just... ain't happenin.

"Better than I deserve."

In answer to a well meaning, "How are you?" this answer typically means two things - not very well, and it sucks but I don't deserve anything worth having anyway.

Subtle, twisted pride. Gets ya every time.

The way it was intended when I first heard "better than I deserve!" offered as an answer to this question was that we DON'T deserve anything good by our own merit - what we DESERVE is hell and separation from God. The ultimate of "bad days." And that's reason for HOPE, not bitterness, which is another root attitude of my answer. Bitter because I've given up hope for a belief that this is as good as it gets, forget that I'm the child of a Father who would give good things to His undeserving children (it's not about my worthlessness but His grace); might as well get used to lousy circumstances.

But (perhaps for the first time) I used it this evening in what I think is a better way: I'm not doing very well, it's true, but rather than listing my petty complaints that don't amount to a single dot in the span of time, let's focus instead on something we can hope in.

I'm not saying I won't share my struggles... and I won't say I don't struggle with finding a happy medium between admitting I'm unwell and claiming the truth of my big-picture situation... but it's so easy to unload on our sympathizing friends and forget to see God's hand in it. God's hand, His control over our lives, is not usually the first thing I see when faced with a difficult day. That is my weakness, but it is where I am.

So maybe it was better, but maybe not the best. I'm into extremes and have a hard time with balance. I guess that's the step that I'm missing - not denying either reality but actually making the conscious effort to acknowledge both... and see for myself that the Lord is good.

P.S. This is post 137. Just... thought I'd letcha know. :-D

da beetis no can haz!

Went back to the doctor again today. Ran out of Ambien CR on Tuesday night and all my best efforts last night resulted in a predictable night of minimal and broken sleep. He gave me a prescription for regular Ambien (YAY) and then showed me the results from all the blood tests they did after I was there last time. I'm safely within normal range on all of them, from sugar and sodium down to my kidney functions. I'm a fully normal human being. *turns aside and cracks up* So... there's no known physical reason for why I'm not sleeping.

I also asked him about my wrist and he said to take some anti-inflammatories but other than that, just do what feels good. (don't know how having sex will help this particular condition, but if it's what the doctor orders...! :-P er, ahem.) I've been rubbing cream on my hands and wrists that's supposed to promote ROM and circulation and it seems to really help. I've only worked one day this week so far but Friday and Saturday are coming up. I just hope I make it....

Meh. So. Tired.

How's life?

Eh, it's not my favorite.

But that's hardly anyone's fault by my own.

Getting some more Ambien before class. Yay.

-_-

Jeffkins

is a dear friend of mine. A bit of a kindred spirit. For one, we both tend to write a lot. ;)

This blog entry of his captures well, from a different view, my struggles with throwing off the covers and getting up.

It's good to know we're not the only ones in this fight....