Thursday, March 20, 2008

It's morning.

"Study" by Frederick Lord Leighton
"Study the character of God," they said.

I didn't really get it. I got, "Preach the gospel to yourself." That makes sense. But God? Whuh... I mean, He's just... God, y'know? He's unknowable isn't He? Study Him. You mean study the Bible?

I wasn't really thinking.

I think it's a blessing for sure... but in a very few ways it's also a disadvantage to have grown up immersed in Christian culture. That the story of the crucifixion could become "old hat" by the time I was seven, before I was grown enough really to appreciate it. That I could ever miss the gravity. That I could ever NOT be driven to disgust by the sight of my sin written in the lines of His horrified, rejected face.

It's hard to see Him. It would be, when I'm constantly averting my gaze in prideful shame that doesn't want to own up to it. In words? Sure. But to make myself LOOK at it?

God is doing battle over my soul, even now, to teach me and pump real blood through me again. To SHOW His character to me. I feel as though I'm waking up from a winter of hibernation. "I thought you already said your friends at the church were awesome at challenging you?" They are. Thank God, they are! Perhaps... they were an alarm clock at which I would smile and say, "Five more minutes," before pulling the blanket back over my head.

Jesus has come in and is yanking the covers off with a wide open smile and telling me, "It's time to get up! NOW." :-D

And I have to talk about it. Bear with me; I HAVE to talk about it, or else I fear I will pass out into another year of slow circulation and moderate passion.

God, don't give up on me....

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