today, in bullet form

• got up early
• tried to make cinnamon and brown sugar oatmeal with oatmeal, brown sugar and cinnamon
• was disappointed
  
• went to the DMV
• came back home to get my SSC and passport
• went back to the DMV and finally, after almost seven years, got myself an SC license
• studied at Port City Java for two hours and randomly ran into Andrew from care group, lol
• got a call from Nic saying he'll be in town this weekend and wants to exchange hugsnsuch
  
• went to campus to get an article to write a summary for class
• went back home to write and print said paper
• signed up for a membership at the new Peak Fitness
• went back to campus to take the history test
• walked up with a poor classmate who was absent last week and didn't know we had the test... we studied together for the 25 minutes before class... =|
• I think I did okay... not so sure about him...
• returned some items to WalMart and bought some more things in return, hhhh
• worked out at the Peak Fitness on Laurens (mine isn't open till next week or so)
• enjoyed it thoroughly. working out rox my sox
  
• am home now and looking forward to a good night's sleep

w00t.

But do you see why I need more than one day off at a time to feel like I've gotten a break? LOL And they tried to ask if I wanted to come into work today....

[it's been a long week. hard, in that good-for-you sort of way, but also good-good as far as fellowship and the little things go. thank God for the little things. hope you're well. I'm getting there....]

I'd like some good grief, please.

Sorry, darlin', we're all out of the good kind. Would you care for some of the bad?

Um, no thanks... I'd just as soon go without.


*sigh*

still suffering.

You know how sometimes the most basic stuff will be staring you in the face but you're somehow still blinded to it? I've had a lot of moments like that this week. I'll share one.

It was Friday night care group. We've been talking about suffering, in correspondence with what we've been learning in Sunday meeting. I talked with Jessica last week about the subject of singleness... how it can be a source of suffering. And how that's frustrating because it's not like physical pain - if I had a more Godly mindset, I doubt it would cause the suffering it does because I would be content in my state as His child.

This past week (two days ago), though, it hit me that this insomnia has been a form of suffering too. And the physical type - like, it hurts, and it's not the kind of hurt I can reason my way out of. But have I been viewing it in the way we've been learning about? As a means of God fulfilling His purpose in me, of teaching, of temporary discomfort for reasons I may not understand till eternity, as a reason to seek His comfort and strength? No. It's just been "one of those things." You just suck it up and deal. No need to complain or focus on it - life is full of this sort of thing.

I feel like I've been missing the point... all the while having this prime example of what we've been learning. It's a means of grace reminding me of why I need to be humble - I'm weak, I need sleep, I can't survive without God sustaining me... and He's strong, worthy both of my worship and my pleading for healing. And now I'm both exhausted and getting sick with a headache that didn't ease up all day until I medicated it.

Okay, okay. I get it!

drugs.

I went to Doctor's Care today. I told them I don't sleep and all the various elements that could be contributing to this fact... being sure to note that it's been a lifelong problem, to some degree or another. I felt like the doctor I saw was very intelligent and wasn't looking just to give me a pat answer... still, he sent me out with a familiar prescription and I filled it immediately.


AMBIEN CR

They may not be happy pills, but they're gonna make ME happy....

But really. What's the cause? Is it anxiety? Stress? I don't think it's my eating or exercise habits - I wondered about that at first but altering them hasn't made any notable difference. Depression? No, not this time, not other than the blues I get from total exhaustion. New job? But after a month and a half? Promotions or changes in relationships? Don't think so. And they said all my insides (heart rate, blood pressure, etc.) are in good working order. I don't smoke and I don't drink enough to make this kind of difference. I've tried melatonin and other natural sleep aids. I've tried drinking alcohol before bed. I've tried taking a bath before bed. Bedtime tea. Staying up late. Going to bed early. All of them are hit-and-miss. I mean, there's so much going on in my life right now, so many variables, but I don't know which if any of them are causing this turmoil.

Design project 5

Pretty self explanatory. ;)

Up next? DRAWING!!! Yes, with pencils and pens and no exacto knives or grayscale paper! :-D

"Oh. Well, I... okay."

I asked Stacy yesterday morning if I could meet with her some time this week. She wanted to do it that same day, so we settled on a 15 minute break that I had... one of two, other than the 45 minute (a canceled client) that she was going to be busy through. The clients before that break were having their Spa Lunch and were not told to come out to the waiting room when they were ready... so we got started fifteen minutes late. So much for my meeting.

Then as I was checking out to leave for the day, Stacy finished up whatever she was doing and asked if I had a minute to talk. I hesitated to say yes, simply because it was already past five and I needed to go home to pick up my school stuff and carpool friend before going to class at 6... but I answered in the affirmative.

I started off acknowledging that I came in during a busy time at the spa and that I don't know what the rest of the year would be like... but that I'm really worn out and can't handle a schedule that continues the way it has been. After the horror stories I've been hearing concerning the girls who have quit, for all the folks I hear complain daily about the work load, I didn't have a whole lot of hope that she'd actually give me the Mondays off without a lot of begging and pleading, if not, "Well, it won't be like that all the time. Will you stick it out a few more weeks for me? Then if it's still a problem, we'll talk again." Or, "Actually, I'd really prefer that we split it up over a few days; I really need you to be in at least a few hours on Mondays." Instead, she asked what it would take to make me feel better about the job I was doing and I admitted that I thought it would do a world of good to have two days to recover from the Friday-Saturday rush. She said, "Okay, let's look at your schedule. It looks like the first week you don't already have clients booked is for March 10. So you want to do that? March 10 will be your first week with the new schedule?"

I was stunned. No fight, no pleading, just, "You need some more time to yourself? That's fine. Communication is key; you just have to tell me how you're doing."

God is great. God is good. Let us thank Him for bosses who will listen and for jobs that pay enough to allow for a little cut back in hours.

recurring sin

"So I'm telling this friend of mine across the table how upset I am over this sin that continues to haunt me and how it always seems to win in our battles and she starts to smile at me and I get MORE upset cuz I'm like, 'What??' Then she reminds me that the very fact that I DO get upset is an evidence of God's grace working in me. That if I didn't have His Spirit, I wouldn't care. She's GLAD that I'm suffering through this because of all that God is teaching me through it that I can't see right now."

~Sarah P.


Another sleepless night. I took so many sleeping vitamins, I used the little detox pads on my feet, I even went for a halfhearted run (halfhearted because that was all the energy I had) and I'm still up. I'm discouraged.

One of the reasons I can't sleep is because of work related anxiety. At 2 am. Yes. I'll start to fall asleep and another scenario with a client pops in my head and I jolt awake, trying to figure out how to make it right. This time I really believed that I was going to be faced with this problem first thing when I got into work this morning... though I can't remember now why it was so convincing at the time.

But it's anxiety, right? I'm worried about what my clients think of me. What my boss will think of me if any bad feedback gets back to her... and what my co-workers who get the feedback first will think. I'm worried about being a disappointment. About failing. About missing something or being sloppy or whatever you want to call it and making what always seem to be really stupid mistakes.

Anxiety is a sign of pride, of fear of man, of failing to trust God. Why can't I seem to care more that I impress the Father? To work for His pleasure instead of that of my boss and clients? Why can't I trust that no matter what happens during the day, He's taking care of me, as He always has?

But like Sarah said, I can take comfort in the thought that this may be the umpteen thousandth time that I've not only struggled with but NAMED this sin... but that very fact is a sign that God is working to cleanse me of it. If I didn't struggle, then I wouldn't care whether I still did it or not. But God is graciously still calling my attention to it.

unreasonable expectations.

We're another man down. The third massage therapist to leave since my arrival gave her two weeks' notice last week. When I came in, Stacy was looking for two new therapists. She got Yezzie and me... but has lost three since.

What is it? "There's so much stress!" From what, exactly? Pressure to perform a certain way? Too many clients? Not enough time off? What is it about working at this Spa that would be different at another, comparable establishment?

Whose expectations are unrealistic to the point that quitting is the only answer? Those of the employer, asking too much of us; or ours, thinking that the work would be much easier than it turned out to be... or could ever be in any similar position?

I gave seven massages on Saturday, plus a 15 minute add-on reflexology treatment (glorified foot massage). Over 24 hours later, I still feel like I need to wrap both wrists in ace bandages because they are so sore. I haven't slept well in several nights and I'm so exhausted that I could cry... if I had the energy to do so. And I have to do it all again at 10:30 in the morning. I've already looked at the schedule for next week - booked solid.

"It's just the Valentine's Day season," they say. What about last month? "Oh, that's the Christmas season, full of gift cards to be redeemed." So what's March? The season of somewhat warmer weather? Will every month have some exception as to why it's packed and unreasonably difficult? I can push myself to extremes, but only so far. Only so long. Only for occasional exceptions... not ones that turn into year-round habits. I hate getting to the end of the day... or starting the day... knowing that I simply don't have it in me to give the clients what they need... what they've paid for... to live up to the reputation of Best Spa in the Upstate.

I'm going to ask Stacy for an audience with her this week. I think it would make a world of difference if I were to have Mondays off, giving me two consecutive days of rest and only two consecutive days of work at a time. I'd still be working full time (30 hours for massage therapists) and Mondays are one of the least busy days of the week anyway - I wouldn't be as missed and I wouldn't be missing out on many financial opportunities. Plus it would open up my schedule to actually be able to go out of town, hh. I'd hate to make this change only to find that business slows down drastically after next week for the next eight months, y'know? Then again, I'd hate to go another month at this rate and hate my job so much that I too quit because I burned out on it after just three months....

1 Peter and suffering

SGC Greenville is going through the book of First Peter this year. Yes. Until September or so, they say, we will be going through a five chapter book of the Bible. Focusing on the aspects found therein that teach us how to look at suffering in life.

I'm excited.

This past Sunday we talked about viewing present suffering (whether it be at the hands of an anti-Christian government, an abusive parent, or rejected affections) in light of the cross, as well as eternity to come, and the good that we know will come of it.

In light of the cross because it is by God's grace and sacrifice that we are saved and have hope. We don't hope in ourselves or lose hope over our sins because He has done away with them and we are righteous in God's eyes. In light of eternity because from that vantage point, this momentary suffering will not only appear the triviality that it surely is, but be shown in the light that God saw all along - how it was necessary for a short time to make us more like Him and force us to do what we say we already want to do - walk closer with Him.

And it is a short time. Even your whole life isn't really a very long time.

And Single's Awareness Day? It's only twenty-four hours long. Piece of cake.

Design project 4

Hokay, soh. The problem with art is, when you're working on it and looking at it up close, it looks totally different from the way it looks at a distance. With drawings, you can say, "Oh, I can't see that shape very well from farther away. It should be darkened," or whatever. So the problem with cut-and-paste art is, by the time you have the pieces in place and CAN step back and really look at the piece, it's too late to change with subtleties like shading or value.

I think this could have been so much better than it turned out... but here it is.


Project 4: In one image, incorporate figure-ground reversal, 3D, and implied shape.

"Can't wait for the weekend."

If you don't like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday because they're not Friday... and you don't even like the first half of Friday because you're doing the same thing you've been doing all week... Saturdays are awesome but Sundays are kinda drab because the next day is a day that you don't like.... You're living 78.5% of your life waiting for the other 21.5%.

I've been thinking about this because I often get clients in on Friday who, when I ask how they are doing, will say, "I'm glad it's Friday!" That might mean more to me if I, too, didn't work on Saturday, but Friday is just another day to us.

I don't think about it most of the time, but I should be struggling, fighting to appreciate each day, y'know? Five and a half days out of the week must not be spent being miserable simply because you have to work. So you don't like your job. Don't hate life just because you don't like what you're doing at the moment... eventually you'll start hating Friday and Saturday simply because they're gone so quickly and then you're left with nuthin'.

"Always be prepared..."

I've lived most of my life in a comfortable Christian atmosphere. Christian school from K-12, then a Bible college. Church every Sunday. Loving Christian parents. I've even had very limited experience working for non-Christian employers. Some of you may know, I consider my first brush with the "secular world" to have happened the summer before my senior year of high school. It was culture shock, but I survived.

So as you may imagine, I haven't had a lot of opportunity to live out the verse that says, "Always be prepared to give an answer to those who ask you the reason for the hope that you have." I just don't ever get the question!

I've gotten it twice in the last four days, point blank, and totally blew it both times.

Saturday. I'm tired, but not in a bad mood. Pouring a cup of water for my client and singing some somewhat depressing song... I think it was from Spring Awakening. One of my co-workers walks up behind me and goes, "How do you do it?" "What?" "You're always in a good mood." She probably asked because I was singing while I worked, but whatever. My lame response? "Dude. Did you SEE me this morning? I didn't sleep at all last night and I was so tired that I actually felt depressed all morning." Which was true. Her assessment of my perpetual state was anything but accurate. But that was major Fail.

Monday. It's a really slow day and there are like six or seven females from all departments hanging out in the break room. I hate to think what got them started, but they all started whipping out their phones and passing around pictures. You know, *does the physical sign for "in quotes"* "pictures." I was like, no thanks, I don't want to look. So one of them is like, "Oh yeah, she's all pure and stuff." "Yeah, she's too young to be looking at those." "She's older than I am, LOL!" "No way. How old are you?" "Almost 25." "No way! I totally thought you were like 18." So a while later, You Look 18 asked me straight up, "Why don't you want to look?" So I, like a dunce, go off of the joke they were using earlier and replied, "Oh, you know. I'm all innocent 'n stuff." And made a face as I walked out.

Her name is Yezzie. (pronounced Jessie) I found myself alone with her in the office not too long thereafter and was able to be a little more serious about it. Come to find out, she's a Jehovah's Witness. When I told her I'm a Christian and believe it's neither Scriptural nor something that's good to be putting in my head, she said, "Yeah, that's true. Most Christians don't really care though, y'know?" "Yeah, and it's a shame because we're supposed to be making a difference, right?" Then she surprised me with "Yeah. Man, I'm sorry for setting a bad example."

So... by the grace of God, I was able to redeem that conversation somewhat, maybe... but guys, this is new territory for me. Please be praying that I won't chicken out, in the event that I be given another opportunity like these....

weakling.

I was talking with a friend on Sunday about a movie she wanted me to come see with her. 27 dresses. I've seen the previews. It looks cute. And I told her no.

I've heard of guys who can't/won't go to certain movies because they know there will be nudity or risque behavior and it will be a temptation to lust, so they avoid it altogether. Well, I've lost all interest in chick flicks because they are a temptation to be depressed, discontent, envious, and covetous of something I don't have.

I don't have 27 dresses. In fact, I only have three, if I'm not mistaken. But if you want to count the number of weddings of close friends that I've attended in the last few years, we're talking at least a dozen. Not quite halfway there, but you see my dilemma. It's just a little too close to home.

"But there's nothing wrong with chick flicks," you say. "Shouldn't you stick it out until it is no longer a problem and you can enjoy them with us?" Call me the weaker sister. Rather than putting myself in a situation where I know I'll be tempted, I just try to steer clear. Fortunately, it's made even easier by the fact that I don't even get the warm fuzzies from them any more because they make me so miserable, LOL.

And that's another thing. Going the other direction and watching a movie because it'll make you cry. What?! I have to be in some kind of extreme self-loathing, deep, someone-get-me-a-razorblade depression before I'll consciously put a song on because I know it'll increase those feelings. And songs are usually less than five minutes long. There are people out there who can handle it for two hours?? (and I know some of my readers do this sometimes... I mean no disrespect!... I just don't understand.)

Can anyone relate with me?

briefly, b4 w3rk...

I don't think this week should be quite as busy as last... perhaps. Got a project due on Wednesday, trying to get a personal project done by this weekend, and mom coming in to town on Friday, yay! I have so many ideas for writing rolling around in my head and never the time to sit down and post, blegh. So maybe I will this week.

Got a birthday present in the mail over the weekend! (thanks Sarah! ;))

Attended a FABulous orchestral concert yesterday in downtown Greenville. I only wished I could have seen the trumpet players - I was too close, hahaha! Then got some Barley's and played some pool. Twas a very good day, w00t.

More later, I hope....

(don't!) Super Size Me

I'd been interested in seeing this movie for some time, but never was like, oo, let's go get this movie! So I got it on my Blockbuster queue a few days ago and finally had time to watch it tonight after class.

I enjoyed it. I thought that, as a documentary, it was really informative and interesting. I especially took note both that food really is an addictive property, sending off the same signals in the brain as drugs... and that when you're eating that type of food you get depressed and need more to make you happy for a while... later making you MORE depressed. (I have long known this to be true... but I liked hearing someone say it)

And I need to change my diet. -_- I eat out SO much now, ever since I've been in Greenville. Not always fast food necessarily, but I tend to eat more when I'm out than I would than when I'm home. I guess this trend is partly because I'm so busy and at first I didn't have any of my kitchen stuff unpacked, but I don't really think that's a valid excuse, y'know? And even when you DO go out, you can make better choices than... some... of the ones... I've made.... I mean, seriously. Looking at it en mass on the screen, I had to wonder, when did it become okay to subject our bodies to trying to make good of nast like fast food?

Anyway. Eat healthy. Drink water. Exercise. Be well!

stressed much?

I couldn't sleep last night. I had a little crying spell over nothing new and tried to go to bed. I think I was slipping in and out of dreams about work. o_O "I'm supposed to work on this muscle group and I have to fill up this many more minutes and what products should she take home with her to help with her particular issues and will I have time to talk with her after we get done and was that her right or left leg she told me to go easy on and I've got a million other things on my mind so is the massage I'm giving less than my best and...." Oh my gosh it was awful. And then I realized that my cat wasn't in bed with me, or even in the room, so I had to go find her since I was awake anyway at 4:45 in the morning. Fortunately she was still nearby.

Wasn't sure how I'd fare today.

Wednesdays, we all meet with Mary and go over our stats for the previous week - how many clients we had, how many we'd like to have, how many products we sold, how many rebooks and requests, etc. I flat out said to her today in the nicest way I could, "Is anyone actually encouraged by these meetings? Because I'm overwhelmed and DIScouraged by them." Maybe ten minutes after I finished up with her, I was taking a break (the only one I had to take!) and Jenn came in and asked if I could come up to her office; she wanted to show me something. When she had me sit down across from her at her desk, I got all tense and nervous, like either she was going to give me some new and uncomfortable "challenge" or tell me I needed to sell more products or worse....

She pulled out five sheets of spreadsheet papers. One was my records for the last two pay periods (I've only been here for two). The others were records for previous employees. She proceeded to tell me to calm down, hold a pretty rock, push the "Staples. That was easy." button, and understand that I'm doing very well. She said that all other figures aside, one of the best ways to see how a therapist is doing performance-wise in the eyes of the clients is to look at the volume of tips being given. She pointed to my figure for the second pay period, but it didn't mean anything to me at the time. "You earned one of THE highest amounts of tips. Higher than a lot of the nail techs, the estheticians, the hair stylists... I mean, okay. Nobody can touch David. But you were way up there." Then she went over some of the other figures before comparing them to the previous therapists - some who worked part time and did very poorly, part time and did okay, full time and did quite well, etc. Then we went through the records of the tips. One person, on one occasion, over the course of a combined eight-year period or so, made a higher figure than I did... in my second pay period.

Guys, I'm not in this for the money and I'm not meaning to brag on that. But I do care about the people who come to see me and I had no tangible way to know whether I was really on the right track or not. Most people won't tell you, "Oh my gosh, that was the worst massage I've ever had and I'm never coming to see you again!" even if they're thinking it as they check out.... And I hesitate to believe every "That was great." ho-hum sounding response.

But I'm pretty sure they wouldn't shell out a lot of extra money on top of the spa's fee if they didn't like the service.

This was encouraging news. Despite stressful nightmares.

Design project 3

The assignment: choose a shape (here, a leaf) and repeat it three times in three segments of a piece, placed in exactly the same spot each time. In the first segment, it should be dominant. In the second, subordinate. In the third, implying movement.

I showed her my sketch in class last night... and I don't know what she thought of it. She looked, then hunched over it, leaning her chin in her hand. She said something vague about it being interesting or good and suggested that I not place the table and window so stagnantly. I should have thought of that and changed the table that night... but I'd already glued down the window. -_- But did she like it and didn't want to get excited? Did she think it was horrible but didn't want to make me upset twice in a row? Somehow I don't think so... she seems pretty honest. I just don't know. Anyway.

Don't look too closely... I did a sloppy job with the Paint editing after trying to scan it in. Don't get me wrong, I really am SO grateful to have this scanner... it's just that everything I'm scanning lately is too big for it, LOL.


Project 4! So... I forgot my tool box and paper when I left the house for work yesterday with just my bag for class and was unable to work on project three in class, so I took a look at project four. The assignment: incorporate figure-ground reversal, 3 implied shapes, and implied forms with a clearly 3-dimensional look. Now... my favorite style of art is implied, yes? (see above... it started off as a doodle that I finished off because it was fun) Forcing the viewer's eye to complete unfinished lines, read what you didn't spell out specifically.

I've got a fun idea for this, heh heh heh.

Welcome!... :-/

"'Excuse me, but are you Rich Mullins?'
And I had to think back over the conversation to see if I was or not."

I'm starting to show my new friends, folks from SGC Greenville, my blog. Maybe they'll read it, maybe they won't. But it's unnerving. I mean, you guys, my readers of two, three, five years, who have been my friends through all of my crap and know how I'm wired a little bit... you understand where I'm coming from, my history, what would make me say something on here.

These folks don't know me. They don't know my story. Do I want them to come in, mid-stream, and be bombarded by my frustrated attempts at honesty or proud complaints? My actions say "Yes. Let them know me. If I'm not what they're hoping for, then at least they were not mislead." But my heart is shifting most uncomfortably in her seat.

dismount

Several years ago... gosh, I think I was still at CIU... I constructed this piece. It was one of the most planned, most complicated, most difficult pieces I've ever done. The idea was not original, sadly, though it seems like something I'd think of. My church used to meet at a middle school and this was one of the projects the kids would periodically display on the halls. I never forgot that, cuz I thought it was such an awesome idea, but didn't get around to doing my own till several years later.

I mounted it on strips of black posterboard held together by duct tape with each frame secured to the posterboard by double sided tape and, later, blobs of sticky tack. Then I realized I hadn't scanned it in yet and didn't want to take it apart, so I took digital pictures of it, LOL. The piece has undergone four of my moves and probably a road trip since its creation, transported in a rolled fashion for the sake of space. It stands to reason, then, that it's starting to show its age and I didn't even want to display it in my new room in this condition. So I disassembled it yesterday. Took each of the wrinkled, bent, worn panels off and threw away the black background and scanned the images in.

So... yes. Was finally able to get a decent digital representation. w00t. Also, I stacked them vertically rather than horizontally. What do you think?

I also finally scanned in another of my works that I had done some time ago, never having scanned it in due to its large size and the fact that I had a similar piece on a smaller scale to scan instead. I'm glad to have it, though... it's one of my favorites, too. ;)


(click on either image to enlarge)