Monday, February 18, 2008

recurring sin

"So I'm telling this friend of mine across the table how upset I am over this sin that continues to haunt me and how it always seems to win in our battles and she starts to smile at me and I get MORE upset cuz I'm like, 'What??' Then she reminds me that the very fact that I DO get upset is an evidence of God's grace working in me. That if I didn't have His Spirit, I wouldn't care. She's GLAD that I'm suffering through this because of all that God is teaching me through it that I can't see right now."

~Sarah P.

Another sleepless night. I took so many sleeping vitamins, I used the little detox pads on my feet, I even went for a halfhearted run (halfhearted because that was all the energy I had) and I'm still up. I'm discouraged.

One of the reasons I can't sleep is because of work related anxiety. At 2 am. Yes. I'll start to fall asleep and another scenario with a client pops in my head and I jolt awake, trying to figure out how to make it right. This time I really believed that I was going to be faced with this problem first thing when I got into work this morning... though I can't remember now why it was so convincing at the time.

But it's anxiety, right? I'm worried about what my clients think of me. What my boss will think of me if any bad feedback gets back to her... and what my co-workers who get the feedback first will think. I'm worried about being a disappointment. About failing. About missing something or being sloppy or whatever you want to call it and making what always seem to be really stupid mistakes.

Anxiety is a sign of pride, of fear of man, of failing to trust God. Why can't I seem to care more that I impress the Father? To work for His pleasure instead of that of my boss and clients? Why can't I trust that no matter what happens during the day, He's taking care of me, as He always has?

But like Sarah said, I can take comfort in the thought that this may be the umpteen thousandth time that I've not only struggled with but NAMED this sin... but that very fact is a sign that God is working to cleanse me of it. If I didn't struggle, then I wouldn't care whether I still did it or not. But God is graciously still calling my attention to it.


knic pfost said...

a deep breath is good for the soul...

Wendy Laurel Cassidy said...

Hi Jess
I will be praying for you girl...some of the same stuff I struggle with too. I have been reading your blog. I will pray for a good nights rest.