[one is a lack of desire to do things you normally like to do. which is the reason I'm gonna use for why I couldn't possibly bring myself to finish my art project on time last Thursday. hoping I'll be able to finish it tonight.... I've heard that sunshine is a good weapon against depression so I took it outside to work on it. I'm gonna have a pretty bad sunburn now... and I still have a lot to do on it. so this is me taking a break, hhhh.]
A man I consider to be one of great knowledge and not a little bit of wisdom (there is a difference) told me once that it's a sign of depression to feel that you'd rather be dead than alive. If you've never been depressed or a part of my family, you might think that's a no-brainer, but hear me out. I'm a Christian. I can look forward to heaven when I leave this life. I hear it's nice. No death, no tears, face to face with the Savior, and all that. "This world has nothing for me."
But life is a gift. God gave it to me. I'm a wealthy American with way too many things and way too much money. I'm a Christian - I don't have to face this life with no hope of a future even when things look down at the moment.
I've been blessed with "endless mercies and ceaseless grace" simply due to the fact that I'm alive. Or so I'm told. But what if I don't see that as a blessing? "You should be glad you're alive!" is the line you hear sometimes after the disaster scene in movies. But what if I'm not?
Think about it for one second with me. Nothing satisfies but He who is in heaven. Nothing on earth is sure. Nothing in this life lasts. Nothing we're given apart from grace and salvation is worth living for... in fact, if we ever try, God's jealousy usually finds a way to take it from us.
I'm plagued by feelings of worthlessness. Finitude. Like there is so much sin in my life that my spiritual struggles and perceived progress amount to nothing. Like I never do anything right or worthy of praise or rest. "And you don't!" you reply. "That's the beauty of the gospel - you can't earn it. It's all God!" So I feel worthless because I AM. "Well, no. No, of course not. God thought you were worth something. He sent His Son to die for you and cover your sins so you could belong to Him." Okay. So the only reason I have worth is because of the price that He paid for me - infinitely more than I could ever be worth, but because He paid it, I am worth it. But I am a tiny speck in the span of the universe and of time. I'm not worth anything aside from that.
"Bless God for His goodness." Even when all is lost and nothing is well, He is good. Well, sure. I know that because of the fact that I'm not going to hell, where I deserve to be already. But if the only things I can hope for are in the life to come, what is the value of the life I'm in? "You are to be a light to the world, giving others the chance to hear the Good News too." I am a light. But no... I'm a dead bulb. I can't even generate the energy to light up. I need an outside Source. I'm back to feeling worthless.
If I say that I don't find joy in this life, you tell me to hope in my salvation, if nothing else. Salvation from separation from God. Salvation from eternal damnation. Salvation from my sin. I will never fully experience these things in this life. So if I hope in my salvation... am I not hoping for my death?
Am I depressed? Or am I taking it all to its logical conclusion? Am I missing some key element that will unlock this mystery for me?
Don't worry about me. I'm not going to *do* anything... I just think too much, hhh. In fact, these were my musings as the pastor was talking about craving Christ this morning, LOL.