Interpretation is everything, and this is something I've been talking about all along.
Say you get cut off in traffic. If you interpret that as an act of deliberate meanness, you might get upset. But if you interpret it as being that you were in their blind spot and they didn't realize they cut you off, it's easier to forgive them. (I think I did this to someone once... because they then pulled in front of me and slammed on the brakes at close range for no apparent reason. Then they sped off. It was scary. And I had no idea I'd done anything offensive.)
Or say you get all the hard jobs at work while your peers get only a few moderate tasks for the day. You could whine that the designator is picking on you. Or you could trust that it was an oversight and have the humility to say, "I won't be able to get all these done. Can you give some of these jobs to someone else?"
A friend doesn't contact you for two weeks. You could interpret that as being that she's mad at you or is avoiding you for some unspoken reason, or you could figure that something has come up and didn't have time to call.
Interpretation will have a great affect on (if not determine) your reaction. Granted, there are sometimes wicked motives afoot, but as Christians, that still doesn't give us the right to get defensive and angry and demand retribution. But I think maybe this is what 1 Corinthians means when it says "Love believes all things" - that it is willing to see the best in people in unpleasant situations... and it ends up making our lives less stressful too because we're not steaming over our wounds that may or may not have even had any malicious intent behind them.
This relates to work in that I hear a lot of offense taken at co-workers or the way the business is run or the scheduling for the day... and I can think of umpteen reasons for those things to have ended up the way they were without any ill-intent in the making and no reason for anyone to get riled up over it. So I see the tension and the anger and the hard feelings in those around me... and I can get caught up in those too by absorbing their complaints... or I can choose to believe the best and come out on top, emotionally.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
ML7: I'm an alien
I went to a Christian school from K-12, then again for college, and didn't have a really secular job until this one. I've been saturated.
Now I'm surrounded by non-Christians who look at me going about life as I always do, not always strong or hopeful or non-depressed... and they still want to know, "Why are you happy all the time?"
It's not something I normally think about. It's just life. God is in my life and He (obviously!) makes a difference that can be seen, but He's always been there and I don't really have "pre-conversion" memories or confessions or dramatic stories. And I've never been all that different from those around me, because they all had Him too. These co-workers make me see Christ in myself, if that makes any sense. They force me to step back and go, "Wow. I'm not normal. I never thought of myself as being anything extraordinary, but I stand out to these folks and it's all because of God. He's working in my life. He's using me to show them something different. That's awesome!"
And I think that's important. That it's too easy to take the presence of God for granted. Not even that I would take credit for His doing, but just that I don't acknowledge the difference He makes. It's good to see.
Now I'm surrounded by non-Christians who look at me going about life as I always do, not always strong or hopeful or non-depressed... and they still want to know, "Why are you happy all the time?"
It's not something I normally think about. It's just life. God is in my life and He (obviously!) makes a difference that can be seen, but He's always been there and I don't really have "pre-conversion" memories or confessions or dramatic stories. And I've never been all that different from those around me, because they all had Him too. These co-workers make me see Christ in myself, if that makes any sense. They force me to step back and go, "Wow. I'm not normal. I never thought of myself as being anything extraordinary, but I stand out to these folks and it's all because of God. He's working in my life. He's using me to show them something different. That's awesome!"
And I think that's important. That it's too easy to take the presence of God for granted. Not even that I would take credit for His doing, but just that I don't acknowledge the difference He makes. It's good to see.
ML6: the force be behind you
This one I got out of a church sermon recently.
It's very easy to massage incorrectly. The most natural way to go about it is to use your hand muscles for everything. You have the most nerves in your fingers, so you can feel the muscles, the knots, the bones, and where pressure is needed. Your elbow? Notsomuch. Also, it's easier to bend over than it is to widen your stance and lower your body so that bending doesn't happen.
But when you use your elbow, you're using your upper arm and back muscles (think about it: MUCH bigger and stronger than the ones in your hand!) to do the work. And when you bend over all the time, well, duh, you're going to throw your back out of whack. More than that, when you have your feet wide apart, your power comes all the way from your back foot out your fingers, rather than from just your shoulders or wrists. The way the teacher described it is that ideally... [okay, this is complicated. Imagine the person is laying face up on the table. If I am working on their left side, I should have my right foot more towards the head of the table and my left more towards the foot of the table, with my torso turned to my right, right leg bent.] ... for my long strokes along the arm or leg, all of my weight should be in my left leg - I should be able to lift the right foot fully off the ground. Using my whole body to do the work.
Life is like that. When we don't depend on God's power to run our lives, it's like we're trying to give a massage from our fingertips and not from our weight-bearing foot. We have so little strength within ourselves. We need Him or else we just end up sore and broken... and forced to depend on Him to keep going whether we want to or not!
It's very easy to massage incorrectly. The most natural way to go about it is to use your hand muscles for everything. You have the most nerves in your fingers, so you can feel the muscles, the knots, the bones, and where pressure is needed. Your elbow? Notsomuch. Also, it's easier to bend over than it is to widen your stance and lower your body so that bending doesn't happen.
But when you use your elbow, you're using your upper arm and back muscles (think about it: MUCH bigger and stronger than the ones in your hand!) to do the work. And when you bend over all the time, well, duh, you're going to throw your back out of whack. More than that, when you have your feet wide apart, your power comes all the way from your back foot out your fingers, rather than from just your shoulders or wrists. The way the teacher described it is that ideally... [okay, this is complicated. Imagine the person is laying face up on the table. If I am working on their left side, I should have my right foot more towards the head of the table and my left more towards the foot of the table, with my torso turned to my right, right leg bent.] ... for my long strokes along the arm or leg, all of my weight should be in my left leg - I should be able to lift the right foot fully off the ground. Using my whole body to do the work.
Life is like that. When we don't depend on God's power to run our lives, it's like we're trying to give a massage from our fingertips and not from our weight-bearing foot. We have so little strength within ourselves. We need Him or else we just end up sore and broken... and forced to depend on Him to keep going whether we want to or not!
ML4: we need each other; ML5: don't complain
I've heard my share of slander since starting at the Spa. This person is so bad because of this, that person is so lazy because of that, etc.
Don't complain. Complaining is like a disease that spreads quickly and affects everyone you come in contact with. Complaining just makes both you and the recipient miserable. It might bring about change, therefore there can be a positive aspect to it, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it.
Besides.
We need each other. It does no good to cut one another down (to their face or behind their back) because we're only hurting ourselves. We're part of the same team. If I wish ill for a member of my own team, it doesn't do me good. It's especially apparent to me in this context - it's a lot harder to do my job with 3.5 people than it was when there were 7. My not liking someone doesn't mean that I don't need them to be there and do their job.
In the end, will it have been better that so many of our team have left, if we are eventually able to replace them with better, more positive individuals? Perhaps. I'm not saying it's not for the best. But in the meantime, I wish more people could see that we need to build each other up because it means we're taking care of ourselves.
I just found one of the new nail techs is leaving. "On call," she says. Just like the seasoned esthetician who is also leaving. I just... I KNOW it could be such a great place to work and I wish it could live up to its potential as such, but I don't think anyone knows where the weak links are.
Don't complain. Complaining is like a disease that spreads quickly and affects everyone you come in contact with. Complaining just makes both you and the recipient miserable. It might bring about change, therefore there can be a positive aspect to it, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it.
Besides.
We need each other. It does no good to cut one another down (to their face or behind their back) because we're only hurting ourselves. We're part of the same team. If I wish ill for a member of my own team, it doesn't do me good. It's especially apparent to me in this context - it's a lot harder to do my job with 3.5 people than it was when there were 7. My not liking someone doesn't mean that I don't need them to be there and do their job.
In the end, will it have been better that so many of our team have left, if we are eventually able to replace them with better, more positive individuals? Perhaps. I'm not saying it's not for the best. But in the meantime, I wish more people could see that we need to build each other up because it means we're taking care of ourselves.
I just found one of the new nail techs is leaving. "On call," she says. Just like the seasoned esthetician who is also leaving. I just... I KNOW it could be such a great place to work and I wish it could live up to its potential as such, but I don't think anyone knows where the weak links are.
"No day but today."
Mark: I hate to see you pass up something that could be good for you.
Roger: *scoffs* I'll live.
Mark: ... Right.
"I'll live." No... not forever. In this scene from Rent, Mark and Roger already knows Roger's dying of AIDS. But we're all dying, y'know? One day. And yet we put things off - relationships, experiences, doing the things we love....
Roger: Another day...
Mimi: No day but today.
We aren't promised another day.
I was faced with this on Friday at care group, too. Several folks asked if I had a good week. No. No, not particularly. I was pretty plagued by physical pain and emotional depression for the bulk of the week, actually, finding myself often desperate for someone to talk to and knowing of no one to go to. But these friends... new to me and already so dear... why shouldn't I be willing to call them up, tell them I'm doing lousy, ask for an encouraging word or a silent cup of coffee? Why should it be a surprise to ALL of them that I had a miserable week? It shouldn't. I'm just a part, but I AM a part of this body, and we're in this together. And they do an awesome job of earnestly loving one another, btw... of earnestly loving ME. But they can't if I won't tell them when I need them. I'd let a week of days go by and never contacted one of them.
One of the biggest things I love about Rent is the community. The closeness that the characters have, even more so, knowing the closeness that the actors have as a team - it's rare to build relationships in regular life like you can when you're in rehearsals with folks. But it's how we're supposed to be. It's the way we're supposed to relate to each other. It was for intimate relationship that we were created, and our loved ones can be a reflection of that.
I won't live forever. I don't have forever to love and be loved on. Today is the day for it.
Roger: *scoffs* I'll live.
Mark: ... Right.
"I'll live." No... not forever. In this scene from Rent, Mark and Roger already knows Roger's dying of AIDS. But we're all dying, y'know? One day. And yet we put things off - relationships, experiences, doing the things we love....
Roger: Another day...
Mimi: No day but today.
We aren't promised another day.
I was faced with this on Friday at care group, too. Several folks asked if I had a good week. No. No, not particularly. I was pretty plagued by physical pain and emotional depression for the bulk of the week, actually, finding myself often desperate for someone to talk to and knowing of no one to go to. But these friends... new to me and already so dear... why shouldn't I be willing to call them up, tell them I'm doing lousy, ask for an encouraging word or a silent cup of coffee? Why should it be a surprise to ALL of them that I had a miserable week? It shouldn't. I'm just a part, but I AM a part of this body, and we're in this together. And they do an awesome job of earnestly loving one another, btw... of earnestly loving ME. But they can't if I won't tell them when I need them. I'd let a week of days go by and never contacted one of them.
One of the biggest things I love about Rent is the community. The closeness that the characters have, even more so, knowing the closeness that the actors have as a team - it's rare to build relationships in regular life like you can when you're in rehearsals with folks. But it's how we're supposed to be. It's the way we're supposed to relate to each other. It was for intimate relationship that we were created, and our loved ones can be a reflection of that.
I won't live forever. I don't have forever to love and be loved on. Today is the day for it.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
^_^
FUNNIEST thing I heard ALL day.
Jenn pokes her head into the office like she's looking for someone... and it doesn't appear to be me. But she has this little guy in her hands. She scans the room briefly, smiles slightly at me, then in a high pitched voice announces,
"Black ninja chicken says helloooo!"
Then leaves abruptly.
I don't know... maybe it's because he's not black... but black... maybe it's just that he's such a happy little creature. But I just about died laughing. And was later struck by it again, still hearing her voice in my head. Several times.
Had to share. :-D
Jenn pokes her head into the office like she's looking for someone... and it doesn't appear to be me. But she has this little guy in her hands. She scans the room briefly, smiles slightly at me, then in a high pitched voice announces,
"Black ninja chicken says helloooo!"
Then leaves abruptly.
I don't know... maybe it's because he's not black... but black... maybe it's just that he's such a happy little creature. But I just about died laughing. And was later struck by it again, still hearing her voice in my head. Several times.
Had to share. :-D
When pain is all you can see...
it's time for a change of scenery.
The cross is always there, Christ never changes, but we tend to put things in between us and Him such that we see those things of the world as bigger than we ought.
God made us to feel pain so that, if for no other reason, we know when something is wrong with our bodies (or minds). If you didn't feel the heat of a stove, you could burn through your hand, rendering it useless. If I didn't feel this pain in my wrist, I'd probably be using it as I always have and may have done even more damage to it by now, losing my ability ever to use it at all.
But what then? Yes, there is pain. There will always be pain. And war. And sin, in this God-forsaking world. So do I whine, pity myself, and medicate? Yes. Yes I do. But while medication is good and a blessing to a point, I'm missing something essential. I'm not seeing how the pain is itself a blessing - it shows me how I am dependent on self and SHOULD be gratefully reminded that it is God who heals, it is He who sustains, He who knows all and deserves praise for every circumstance.
I want to see the place I find myself each day as a gift. Not "life is a gift!" or other such that makes you think you're responsible for finding good things in your dreary life to hope in, but that the "good" and the "dreary" are orchestrated by and gifts from God, because He knows we need them at that moment. Because we can put our hope in Him.
I prefer to be tougher than that. Pardon, I prefer to ACT tougher than that.
Thanks again to the friends who have struggled with these trials and ideas before I have and been a Godly example of how to react.
This post has been brought to you with a bag of frozen peas on my wrist. w00t.
The cross is always there, Christ never changes, but we tend to put things in between us and Him such that we see those things of the world as bigger than we ought.
God made us to feel pain so that, if for no other reason, we know when something is wrong with our bodies (or minds). If you didn't feel the heat of a stove, you could burn through your hand, rendering it useless. If I didn't feel this pain in my wrist, I'd probably be using it as I always have and may have done even more damage to it by now, losing my ability ever to use it at all.
But what then? Yes, there is pain. There will always be pain. And war. And sin, in this God-forsaking world. So do I whine, pity myself, and medicate? Yes. Yes I do. But while medication is good and a blessing to a point, I'm missing something essential. I'm not seeing how the pain is itself a blessing - it shows me how I am dependent on self and SHOULD be gratefully reminded that it is God who heals, it is He who sustains, He who knows all and deserves praise for every circumstance.
I want to see the place I find myself each day as a gift. Not "life is a gift!" or other such that makes you think you're responsible for finding good things in your dreary life to hope in, but that the "good" and the "dreary" are orchestrated by and gifts from God, because He knows we need them at that moment. Because we can put our hope in Him.
I prefer to be tougher than that. Pardon, I prefer to ACT tougher than that.
Thanks again to the friends who have struggled with these trials and ideas before I have and been a Godly example of how to react.
This post has been brought to you with a bag of frozen peas on my wrist. w00t.
care group questions
"What is something that distracts your attention from the all-important work Christ did on the cross?"
Pain.
When I'm in pain, be it physical or emotional, it makes little difference, it's all I can see. My aching heart or my sprained ankle or my sore wrist or my headache... it IS my world, when I'm not careful (which is often).
"What is something you can do to direct your attention back, have gospel centered thinking, and renew your joy?"
As I was putting the words together in my mind, I realized that what works for me is what they told me all along... I just didn't see it: confess your sin. I have to be honest about how I'm feeling rather than stuffing it and moving on (pride, selfishness, or both) and take the time to see what those feelings are and why they aren't Christ-centered. If I won't admit where I am, emotionally, I don't understand it; I can't confess it or see why it's not where I want to be. But! Once I've seen it, owned up to it, confessed it, then I can be freed of it and find joy again.
I feel like my answers are very simple compared to the rest. I don't know if that's my perception, or if it's due to maturity, or because everyone assumes the simple answers and therefore go for something deeper.... But I didn't get a chance to share last night due to time (and me not butting in) and I wanted to flesh out those thoughts here.
Pain.
When I'm in pain, be it physical or emotional, it makes little difference, it's all I can see. My aching heart or my sprained ankle or my sore wrist or my headache... it IS my world, when I'm not careful (which is often).
"What is something you can do to direct your attention back, have gospel centered thinking, and renew your joy?"
As I was putting the words together in my mind, I realized that what works for me is what they told me all along... I just didn't see it: confess your sin. I have to be honest about how I'm feeling rather than stuffing it and moving on (pride, selfishness, or both) and take the time to see what those feelings are and why they aren't Christ-centered. If I won't admit where I am, emotionally, I don't understand it; I can't confess it or see why it's not where I want to be. But! Once I've seen it, owned up to it, confessed it, then I can be freed of it and find joy again.
I feel like my answers are very simple compared to the rest. I don't know if that's my perception, or if it's due to maturity, or because everyone assumes the simple answers and therefore go for something deeper.... But I didn't get a chance to share last night due to time (and me not butting in) and I wanted to flesh out those thoughts here.
Friday, March 28, 2008
ML2: limitations + ML3: ask, seek, knock?
I think there's something in our nature that tries to make us think we're omnipotent, that we can do any and everything, that we can handle whatever comes at us. We don't like to think we're dependent on Someone.
It is sometimes good, therefore, to overstep our boundaries. That way we know where they are.
I know how much is too much for me to work. If I have inflicted permanent damage, then my boundary may be even closer than when I passed it this time, but I've got the general idea.
It hasn't been a part of my schedule for several weeks - either she wasn't in the office or I didn't have any time free (often the case, since I'm now the only one working that day) but I'm supposed to meet with Mary every Wednesday to go over how I'm doing in the company, how much I'm selling, how many clients I'm seeing, etc. And she asks me - how many clients to I want to try to get to rebook this week? How many new clients do I want to try to sell products to? How many clients do I want to have for the week?
Now, up until this point, I've been... okay. I've been tired, I've been sore, but I've also been new and figuring out my place in the company and getting my body used to the work, so I've expected to be tired and sore. So I just always told her the same number each week, because it had been... okay... for me to do that many. And I figured I didn't really have any say, anyway - I had to take what was coming. After my experience this past week, though, I wonder if my serious input might make a difference. Like, if I told them I only wanted to see 18 clients a week, would that keep them from putting more on? Or if I said I only wanted 16, would my chances be good of getting, maybe not 16, but closer to 16 than to 23? See... I really don't think Stacy is the bad guy. I think the bad guy is a lack of communication between all parties involved. Me to them about what my needs are, her to them about how serious she is about taking care of us, and them "communicating" with the schedule - just being too busy to notice how much they're piling on.
My wrist has been better yesterday and today, but it's rather sore this evening. Hoping it will be better by morning....
It is sometimes good, therefore, to overstep our boundaries. That way we know where they are.
I know how much is too much for me to work. If I have inflicted permanent damage, then my boundary may be even closer than when I passed it this time, but I've got the general idea.
It hasn't been a part of my schedule for several weeks - either she wasn't in the office or I didn't have any time free (often the case, since I'm now the only one working that day) but I'm supposed to meet with Mary every Wednesday to go over how I'm doing in the company, how much I'm selling, how many clients I'm seeing, etc. And she asks me - how many clients to I want to try to get to rebook this week? How many new clients do I want to try to sell products to? How many clients do I want to have for the week?
Now, up until this point, I've been... okay. I've been tired, I've been sore, but I've also been new and figuring out my place in the company and getting my body used to the work, so I've expected to be tired and sore. So I just always told her the same number each week, because it had been... okay... for me to do that many. And I figured I didn't really have any say, anyway - I had to take what was coming. After my experience this past week, though, I wonder if my serious input might make a difference. Like, if I told them I only wanted to see 18 clients a week, would that keep them from putting more on? Or if I said I only wanted 16, would my chances be good of getting, maybe not 16, but closer to 16 than to 23? See... I really don't think Stacy is the bad guy. I think the bad guy is a lack of communication between all parties involved. Me to them about what my needs are, her to them about how serious she is about taking care of us, and them "communicating" with the schedule - just being too busy to notice how much they're piling on.
My wrist has been better yesterday and today, but it's rather sore this evening. Hoping it will be better by morning....
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
ML1: Two Sides
It's true what they say. There are two sides to every story. Two ways of looking at any given situation. Probably more.
You can be the type of person who is looking to be offended. Keeping tabs of wrongs to be used against another, later.
I try not to do that. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Because they usually deserve it. It's easy to misunderstand people, situations, circumstances, and I know that.
But sometimes you get to a certain point and you realize you've been seeing this... how many times has it been now? You haven't been counting, but suddenly you know it's been a regular occurrence and you wish you HAD been keeping track. Not because you're looking to make demands... but because you have to take care of yourself to a certain extent and you want to know if you have a good reason for feeling as bad as you do.
So I think: I'm a part of this team. Things happen, and I want to support them where I am able. If that means doing a few extra massages, coming in for a few extra hours, ending up a little more sore at the end of the day, that's okay. It's for the good of the group. It's just this once. I'll make it up to myself next week.
But then something else comes up next week. And the week after that. The circumstances are a little different each time, but the end result is the same. "Can you do this for us? We're begging. Pleading. We'll kiss your face and let you go early. [all of, what? 45 minutes? 30 of which will still be spent on closing duties?] Just this one little thing. Please?"
I'm starting to feel like Dagne in Atlas Shrugged. The heroine, she lives in a world of "looters" that think it's okay to place more and more unreasonable demands on her and her business, expecting her to deliver the same results, and fix their problems that they created out of greed and irresponsible choices. They haven't thought about it seriously enough to realize it's impossible... "She'll figure out a way to do it. She always does."
I called the spa and was able to talk to my boss. I was on the verge of telling her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow. If they know that I'm not going to get better before I can rest my wrist, but expect me to work a five day week after I've already expressed that I need to have my week split up into two sets of two days due to my normal physical limitations and I'm actually suffering on top of that, something's not being communicated to one or both parties. If they valued me as an employee, wouldn't they be the ones to tell me to stay home and let it rest? Wouldn't my longevity as a therapist be more important than having to make a few phone calls to cancel with clients? Isn't the fact that I have to give a sub-par service reason enough to tell the client to reschedule so they're getting what they're paying a fortune for?
But from Stacy's view, four of those five clients I have tomorrow are coming in have purchased packages - if they have to cancel these clients, it affects like six other people's ability to earn their income for the day. And why do we only have three and a half therapists working? Well, because she doesn't want to hire any more "bad fits" like Gloria, but they're the ones that have been sending in the applications. So... she's trying, but would rather only hire "keepers" than to settle for "warm bodies" that will wear out their welcomes in two weeks, just for the sake of having someone there to give the massages.
On the other hand, I'd settle for having warm bodies if it would alleviate some of the work we've had put on us. As long as we're thinking along those lines, why are we trying to bring in so many in the first place? Wouldn't it be simple enough to put a cap on each of the therapists rather than filling every possible time slot?
If it didn't happen so often, I wouldn't notice. But at this point I wish I'd been keeping track so I have a realistic view of what's been happening and have some facts to show Stacy if I needed to make a real protest. If anything, I try never to protest without the details behind it.
As for my wrist... I've iced it. I've wrapped it. I've frozen-peas-ed it. I've soaked it. I've jelly bathed it. I stretch it before and during the day. I've started drinking more water. I baby it. I tiger balm and biofreeze it. Each massage is dreaded because I expect it to give out on me at any moment... meanwhile my elbow, shoulder, neck, and back are bearing the brunt of the work and starting to take on their own shooting pains.
"Just five hours tomorrow. Only six on Friday." And Saturday is a nine hour day with a 45 minute break.
I probably shouldn't be typing. But I needed to talk through this....
You can be the type of person who is looking to be offended. Keeping tabs of wrongs to be used against another, later.
I try not to do that. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Because they usually deserve it. It's easy to misunderstand people, situations, circumstances, and I know that.
But sometimes you get to a certain point and you realize you've been seeing this... how many times has it been now? You haven't been counting, but suddenly you know it's been a regular occurrence and you wish you HAD been keeping track. Not because you're looking to make demands... but because you have to take care of yourself to a certain extent and you want to know if you have a good reason for feeling as bad as you do.
So I think: I'm a part of this team. Things happen, and I want to support them where I am able. If that means doing a few extra massages, coming in for a few extra hours, ending up a little more sore at the end of the day, that's okay. It's for the good of the group. It's just this once. I'll make it up to myself next week.
But then something else comes up next week. And the week after that. The circumstances are a little different each time, but the end result is the same. "Can you do this for us? We're begging. Pleading. We'll kiss your face and let you go early. [all of, what? 45 minutes? 30 of which will still be spent on closing duties?] Just this one little thing. Please?"
I'm starting to feel like Dagne in Atlas Shrugged. The heroine, she lives in a world of "looters" that think it's okay to place more and more unreasonable demands on her and her business, expecting her to deliver the same results, and fix their problems that they created out of greed and irresponsible choices. They haven't thought about it seriously enough to realize it's impossible... "She'll figure out a way to do it. She always does."
I called the spa and was able to talk to my boss. I was on the verge of telling her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow. If they know that I'm not going to get better before I can rest my wrist, but expect me to work a five day week after I've already expressed that I need to have my week split up into two sets of two days due to my normal physical limitations and I'm actually suffering on top of that, something's not being communicated to one or both parties. If they valued me as an employee, wouldn't they be the ones to tell me to stay home and let it rest? Wouldn't my longevity as a therapist be more important than having to make a few phone calls to cancel with clients? Isn't the fact that I have to give a sub-par service reason enough to tell the client to reschedule so they're getting what they're paying a fortune for?
But from Stacy's view, four of those five clients I have tomorrow are coming in have purchased packages - if they have to cancel these clients, it affects like six other people's ability to earn their income for the day. And why do we only have three and a half therapists working? Well, because she doesn't want to hire any more "bad fits" like Gloria, but they're the ones that have been sending in the applications. So... she's trying, but would rather only hire "keepers" than to settle for "warm bodies" that will wear out their welcomes in two weeks, just for the sake of having someone there to give the massages.
On the other hand, I'd settle for having warm bodies if it would alleviate some of the work we've had put on us. As long as we're thinking along those lines, why are we trying to bring in so many in the first place? Wouldn't it be simple enough to put a cap on each of the therapists rather than filling every possible time slot?
If it didn't happen so often, I wouldn't notice. But at this point I wish I'd been keeping track so I have a realistic view of what's been happening and have some facts to show Stacy if I needed to make a real protest. If anything, I try never to protest without the details behind it.
As for my wrist... I've iced it. I've wrapped it. I've frozen-peas-ed it. I've soaked it. I've jelly bathed it. I stretch it before and during the day. I've started drinking more water. I baby it. I tiger balm and biofreeze it. Each massage is dreaded because I expect it to give out on me at any moment... meanwhile my elbow, shoulder, neck, and back are bearing the brunt of the work and starting to take on their own shooting pains.
"Just five hours tomorrow. Only six on Friday." And Saturday is a nine hour day with a 45 minute break.
I probably shouldn't be typing. But I needed to talk through this....
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
anger.
Anger, so I have learned, been taught, and seen to be true, often finds its beginnings in idolatry. You're mad at Bobby for stealing your pencil? It could be because you care more about that pencil than you do obeying God and loving Bobby. You're mad that your car broke down? Is that because you trust more in the things that you have than in the God who gave them to you? You're angry that you're still single? Well, that's the oldest one in the Joshua Harris book....
My ignorance, my failures, my very emotions spark the flame of my anger. "Stop feeling that!" Even though I'm aware that feelings are not bad in themselves but rather stem from wrong heart attitudes. Anger because I am not good enough... something I already know in my head to be true. Anger directed at myself because I want to see some progress. I want to look at God and be able to say, "You have something to say 'Well done!' about. I have been good and faithful. Not all the time, but You see I was trying." If I have nothing to show for it, no evidence of change, I feel like there's nothing that says I've learned anything or was trying at all.
But... I can't earn His favor... so what am I trying to accomplish? I want to be obedient. I want to be a child He can be proud of. Yet is even that just a way of glossing over saying that I'm trying to win (earn) His affection (forgiveness)?
"Embracing Accusation." I'm cursed because I have sinned and cannot save myself. My only hope for a future is in the fact that Someone was declared a sufficient substitute for me and took my curse. I am no longer damned. But I am still alive. In this relationship with a maddening, head swirling God who commands that I be perfect as He is perfect, but not because I can earn anything. And not because I lose anything for my imperfection. And not because I get any recognition for any small successes, especially since I can't claim any glory for them regardless because of my fallen state. And I should be grateful for all the punishment of my failures that I can get because the discipline makes me more like Christ.
Why? "Because it pleases God." Okay, but... isn't that what I said before? I said, "I want to be a child He can be proud of." I want to please Him. Okay, perhaps "please" is deceptive, here. It's great if He's pleased, but more than that, I don't want to make Him angry. I'm terrified of His anger. Not even of discipline; discipline I can handle. But just don't be angry at me.
Fear. If we're afraid of God, we don't trust Him. My focus is on myself - on my failures, on my inability to please. I should never be focused inward - idolatry of self is the most terrifying of all. No, I need to trust Him. Because I KNOW He is trustworthy; if I don't know anything else, I know that. Clearly, it is still only head knowledge. But I know it. And if I can learn to trust Him, to look to Him rather than to my failures to be like Him...
everything else really does fade away.
My ignorance, my failures, my very emotions spark the flame of my anger. "Stop feeling that!" Even though I'm aware that feelings are not bad in themselves but rather stem from wrong heart attitudes. Anger because I am not good enough... something I already know in my head to be true. Anger directed at myself because I want to see some progress. I want to look at God and be able to say, "You have something to say 'Well done!' about. I have been good and faithful. Not all the time, but You see I was trying." If I have nothing to show for it, no evidence of change, I feel like there's nothing that says I've learned anything or was trying at all.
But... I can't earn His favor... so what am I trying to accomplish? I want to be obedient. I want to be a child He can be proud of. Yet is even that just a way of glossing over saying that I'm trying to win (earn) His affection (forgiveness)?
"Embracing Accusation." I'm cursed because I have sinned and cannot save myself. My only hope for a future is in the fact that Someone was declared a sufficient substitute for me and took my curse. I am no longer damned. But I am still alive. In this relationship with a maddening, head swirling God who commands that I be perfect as He is perfect, but not because I can earn anything. And not because I lose anything for my imperfection. And not because I get any recognition for any small successes, especially since I can't claim any glory for them regardless because of my fallen state. And I should be grateful for all the punishment of my failures that I can get because the discipline makes me more like Christ.
Why? "Because it pleases God." Okay, but... isn't that what I said before? I said, "I want to be a child He can be proud of." I want to please Him. Okay, perhaps "please" is deceptive, here. It's great if He's pleased, but more than that, I don't want to make Him angry. I'm terrified of His anger. Not even of discipline; discipline I can handle. But just don't be angry at me.
Fear. If we're afraid of God, we don't trust Him. My focus is on myself - on my failures, on my inability to please. I should never be focused inward - idolatry of self is the most terrifying of all. No, I need to trust Him. Because I KNOW He is trustworthy; if I don't know anything else, I know that. Clearly, it is still only head knowledge. But I know it. And if I can learn to trust Him, to look to Him rather than to my failures to be like Him...
everything else really does fade away.
my arm is taking a frozen jelly bath. O_O
Jenn is so sweet. I had my right wrist wrapped at work today because it was hurting so bad. She said a cold jelly bath should help. So now I'm home with a plastic bag taped around my arm, my hand and wrist suspended in a blue slimy jelly that was made with ice cubes floating in it. An hour later now, I think the cubes have finally melted....
I really hope I can tell her it helped, but I have my doubts.
Also, Reiner took hold of my hand right before she did and yanked on it, with the intent of popping something back into place. I felt the impact all the way over in my left armpit. But I'm not sure that helped my wrist either....
This post has been brought to you by my left hand.
This bag is coming off.......
I really hope I can tell her it helped, but I have my doubts.
Also, Reiner took hold of my hand right before she did and yanked on it, with the intent of popping something back into place. I felt the impact all the way over in my left armpit. But I'm not sure that helped my wrist either....
This post has been brought to you by my left hand.
This bag is coming off.......
night beauty
"There's something magical
about discerning the caps of the waves
by naught but the full moon
as you drive over a lake."
about discerning the caps of the waves
by naught but the full moon
as you drive over a lake."
I was on a long drive. Kinda lonesome. Wanted somebody to talk to. And then I passed over a huge lake. There were no lights around, just the moon (that was a little less than full, but close enough) reflecting off the water. More gorgeous than the image above - the best picture I could find online. So I sent out a text to a bunch of friends to see if anybody was up and chatty. The loving responses? :
"Please don't drive in the lake or text long poems while you drive...."
"I wish you'd stop driving on lakes that aren't frozen!!!"
"I wish you'd stop driving on lakes that aren't frozen!!!"
biking through the bitterness
[I listened to Skillet and Frou Frou as I was working out this evening. Can you tell?]
I used to play a little game when I was in high school. I had only started listening to secular music (via the radio) in eighth grade or so... up until that point it had been 80's/early 90's Christian rock only. But I didn't want the romantical focus of the songs I was now hearing to make me sad for the relationship I didn't have (I don't change much, eh?) so I often chose to hear them as love songs to or from the Savior rather than between two human lovers.
Skillet's album, Comatose, is written (in my opinion) in such a way that most of the songs can be taken either way - communicating with God or with a lover. Tonight I made the conscious decision to listen to them from the Christian perspective.
It made me angry. Like, white knuckled, lips curled into a snarl, legs pumping furiously at the pedals, angry.
It wasn't the first time it's happened. Even in the last week.
(through clenched teeth and eyes winced shut) "He knows what He's doing. He loves me. It doesn't matter who else does or what anyone thinks of me. If no one else loves me for the rest of my life, He is enough. I WILL be content, dammit!"
I don't usually even get to that point lately.
I'm usually already asleep again, blissfully hiding from the inner turmoil by hitting the snooze button. For the 370th time.
But where's the next point that I need to get to? That's a terribly unholy way to end the story, hhh. Something's not connecting. I should be left with hope. I SHOULD be left content. I DO have everything I need in Him. Why, instead, do I respond in anger?
It's not anger at Him. You might argue with me on that, but I'm pretty sure it's true. Instead, it's anger at myself. Not angry that I don't have something I want but cannot have, ask for and do not get... but angry that it bothers me so much. That I'm not beyond this. That I do still want it so badly, to the point of blindness. Not in a demanding, "Don't I deserve this one thing?" sort of way, but in a desperate, pleading, pathetic "Don't I get to be happy... somewhere down the line?" sort of way. For crying out loud, if anyone should have figured out how to deal with this issue, I'd think I would have. I've had plenty of time to practice.
But spitting the truth at myself doesn't seem to work. "Have you ever felt forgiven?" "No... no, not really. But so what? They're just feelings." "Emotions don't decide truth, but they're a part of who we are, and there needs to be a communication between head and heart."
I think somewhere in my past, quietly, without my notice... my wires were cut.
Seriously.
[I've probably written this post before, perhaps nearly word for word in some places. I'm just seeing it again, from a new angle... still dealing with the same old struggles]
I used to play a little game when I was in high school. I had only started listening to secular music (via the radio) in eighth grade or so... up until that point it had been 80's/early 90's Christian rock only. But I didn't want the romantical focus of the songs I was now hearing to make me sad for the relationship I didn't have (I don't change much, eh?) so I often chose to hear them as love songs to or from the Savior rather than between two human lovers.
Skillet's album, Comatose, is written (in my opinion) in such a way that most of the songs can be taken either way - communicating with God or with a lover. Tonight I made the conscious decision to listen to them from the Christian perspective.
It made me angry. Like, white knuckled, lips curled into a snarl, legs pumping furiously at the pedals, angry.It wasn't the first time it's happened. Even in the last week.
(through clenched teeth and eyes winced shut) "He knows what He's doing. He loves me. It doesn't matter who else does or what anyone thinks of me. If no one else loves me for the rest of my life, He is enough. I WILL be content, dammit!"
I don't usually even get to that point lately.
I'm usually already asleep again, blissfully hiding from the inner turmoil by hitting the snooze button. For the 370th time.
But where's the next point that I need to get to? That's a terribly unholy way to end the story, hhh. Something's not connecting. I should be left with hope. I SHOULD be left content. I DO have everything I need in Him. Why, instead, do I respond in anger?
It's not anger at Him. You might argue with me on that, but I'm pretty sure it's true. Instead, it's anger at myself. Not angry that I don't have something I want but cannot have, ask for and do not get... but angry that it bothers me so much. That I'm not beyond this. That I do still want it so badly, to the point of blindness. Not in a demanding, "Don't I deserve this one thing?" sort of way, but in a desperate, pleading, pathetic "Don't I get to be happy... somewhere down the line?" sort of way. For crying out loud, if anyone should have figured out how to deal with this issue, I'd think I would have. I've had plenty of time to practice.
But spitting the truth at myself doesn't seem to work. "Have you ever felt forgiven?" "No... no, not really. But so what? They're just feelings." "Emotions don't decide truth, but they're a part of who we are, and there needs to be a communication between head and heart."
I think somewhere in my past, quietly, without my notice... my wires were cut.
Seriously.
[I've probably written this post before, perhaps nearly word for word in some places. I'm just seeing it again, from a new angle... still dealing with the same old struggles]
Monday, March 24, 2008
let go....
I'm not the sort of girl to plan and plot out my wedding before there's a ring. The stone and the dress and the flowers and the location and the blah blah blah.
Maybe that's weird of me, I don't know.
But there's one thing I do know for sure. I want this song played.
Maybe that's weird of me, I don't know.
But there's one thing I do know for sure. I want this song played.
*yank*
Comatose
~Skillet
I hate feelin' like this, I'm so tired of tryin' to fight this...
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to You.
Tell me that You will listen. Your touch is what I'm missin'...
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losin' You .
Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.
I don't wanna live. I don't wanna breathe.
'Less I feel You next to me - You take the pain I feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna dream,
'cause my dreams don't comfort me the way You make me feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)
I hate livin' without You. Dead wrong to ever doubt You.
But, my demons lay in waitin' tempting me away.
Oh, how I adore You. Oh, how I thirst for You. Oh, how I need You.
Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.
Breathing life.
Waking up.
My eyes,
Open up.
~Skillet
I hate feelin' like this, I'm so tired of tryin' to fight this...
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to You.
Tell me that You will listen. Your touch is what I'm missin'...
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losin' You .
Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.
I don't wanna live. I don't wanna breathe.
'Less I feel You next to me - You take the pain I feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna dream,
'cause my dreams don't comfort me the way You make me feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)
I hate livin' without You. Dead wrong to ever doubt You.
But, my demons lay in waitin' tempting me away.
Oh, how I adore You. Oh, how I thirst for You. Oh, how I need You.
Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.
Breathing life.
Waking up.
My eyes,
Open up.
Massage Lessons!
(heretofore referred to as "ML")
I have a lot of time to think about things at my job. It's kind of like a dance, maybe... once you know the steps, you don't have to think about what your feet are doing - you just dance and your mind can wander. Maybe I shouldn't be like that, but regardless....
So I think about things. I think about life as it relates to the people I work with, the experiences I have, the worldly lifestyle versus the God-centered lifestyle, you get the idea. I'll get to those shortly.
Meanwhile, I've just recently arrived home from a weekend at the farm (w00t) and am rather tired... yet in need of a good workout, as this will be a long week. I have a lot of work to do to prep for next week of classes (this is spring break for us this week, yay!) ... and we're down another therapist at work. Yeah. There were 7 employed at the spa when I arrived in January, including myself. Since then, two others have been brought in, four have quit, one went to part-time, and the newest one was let go this week. So we're essentially down to 3.5 therapists. >_< And to make up for the one we lost, they asked if I could come in on Thursday and get next Wednesday off.
I should have said no. I literally started crying on Saturday for fear that the muscles in my hand were going to collapse in the middle of a massage. I'm still hurting tonight.
I have my 90 day evaluation tomorrow at 1pm. They told me not to worry - I'm excellent. Maybe I should be wishing I'd get fired, instead....
I have a lot of time to think about things at my job. It's kind of like a dance, maybe... once you know the steps, you don't have to think about what your feet are doing - you just dance and your mind can wander. Maybe I shouldn't be like that, but regardless....
So I think about things. I think about life as it relates to the people I work with, the experiences I have, the worldly lifestyle versus the God-centered lifestyle, you get the idea. I'll get to those shortly.
Meanwhile, I've just recently arrived home from a weekend at the farm (w00t) and am rather tired... yet in need of a good workout, as this will be a long week. I have a lot of work to do to prep for next week of classes (this is spring break for us this week, yay!) ... and we're down another therapist at work. Yeah. There were 7 employed at the spa when I arrived in January, including myself. Since then, two others have been brought in, four have quit, one went to part-time, and the newest one was let go this week. So we're essentially down to 3.5 therapists. >_< And to make up for the one we lost, they asked if I could come in on Thursday and get next Wednesday off.
I should have said no. I literally started crying on Saturday for fear that the muscles in my hand were going to collapse in the middle of a massage. I'm still hurting tonight.
I have my 90 day evaluation tomorrow at 1pm. They told me not to worry - I'm excellent. Maybe I should be wishing I'd get fired, instead....
Friday, March 21, 2008
"If I don't like it, can I quit?"
Facing the music.
Facing my fears.
Deciding to engage, even when it means a day I don't necessarily enjoy due to breakage and aches and pains in my soul from lack of use of trust.
Being obedient and setting my feet on the floor that wouldn't be so cold if I hadn't been lazy and in bed so long.
I should be celebrating.
...why is that, again?
Preach the gospel to yourself. Study the character of God. Don't listen to yourself - speak to yourself, reminding yourself of God's truth.
*sigh*
Facing my fears.
Deciding to engage, even when it means a day I don't necessarily enjoy due to breakage and aches and pains in my soul from lack of use of trust.
Being obedient and setting my feet on the floor that wouldn't be so cold if I hadn't been lazy and in bed so long.
I should be celebrating.
...why is that, again?
Preach the gospel to yourself. Study the character of God. Don't listen to yourself - speak to yourself, reminding yourself of God's truth.
*sigh*
Thursday, March 20, 2008
It's morning.
 |
| "Study" by Frederick Lord Leighton |
"Study the character of God," they said.
I didn't really get it. I got, "Preach the gospel to yourself." That makes sense. But God? Whuh... I mean, He's just... God, y'know? He's unknowable isn't He? Study Him. You mean study the Bible?
I wasn't really thinking.
I think it's a blessing for sure... but in a very few ways it's also a disadvantage to have grown up immersed in Christian culture. That the story of the crucifixion could become "old hat" by the time I was seven, before I was grown enough really to appreciate it. That I could ever miss the gravity. That I could ever NOT be driven to disgust by the sight of my sin written in the lines of His horrified, rejected face.
It's hard to see Him. It would be, when I'm constantly averting my gaze in prideful shame that doesn't want to own up to it. In words? Sure. But to make myself LOOK at it?
God is doing battle over my soul, even now, to teach me and pump real blood through me again. To SHOW His character to me. I feel as though I'm waking up from a winter of hibernation. "I thought you already said your friends at the church were awesome at challenging you?" They are. Thank God, they are! Perhaps... they were an alarm clock at which I would smile and say, "Five more minutes," before pulling the blanket back over my head.
Jesus has come in and is yanking the covers off with a wide open smile and telling me, "It's time to get up! NOW." :-D
And I have to talk about it. Bear with me; I HAVE to talk about it, or else I fear I will pass out into another year of slow circulation and moderate passion.
God, don't give up on me....
I didn't really get it. I got, "Preach the gospel to yourself." That makes sense. But God? Whuh... I mean, He's just... God, y'know? He's unknowable isn't He? Study Him. You mean study the Bible?
I wasn't really thinking.
I think it's a blessing for sure... but in a very few ways it's also a disadvantage to have grown up immersed in Christian culture. That the story of the crucifixion could become "old hat" by the time I was seven, before I was grown enough really to appreciate it. That I could ever miss the gravity. That I could ever NOT be driven to disgust by the sight of my sin written in the lines of His horrified, rejected face.
It's hard to see Him. It would be, when I'm constantly averting my gaze in prideful shame that doesn't want to own up to it. In words? Sure. But to make myself LOOK at it?
God is doing battle over my soul, even now, to teach me and pump real blood through me again. To SHOW His character to me. I feel as though I'm waking up from a winter of hibernation. "I thought you already said your friends at the church were awesome at challenging you?" They are. Thank God, they are! Perhaps... they were an alarm clock at which I would smile and say, "Five more minutes," before pulling the blanket back over my head.
Jesus has come in and is yanking the covers off with a wide open smile and telling me, "It's time to get up! NOW." :-D
And I have to talk about it. Bear with me; I HAVE to talk about it, or else I fear I will pass out into another year of slow circulation and moderate passion.
God, don't give up on me....
And God said...
"Hey look, it's Me! Put on somebody else's shades and stand where they've been standing. No, don't do anything. Just look. Just listen. Yeah, it's still Me. You hadn't seen this yet because you've been looking through your different color and you haven't gazed from that spot yet. But it's not any less who I am. Now that you've seen it, now that the pieces click and you have that glimpse of My goodness to fall back on in times of struggle, don't forget it!"
I'm grateful for people who let me borrow their sunglasses and tell me where to stand. It's nothing less than an enormous blessing... and I've been blessed with a few lately.
I'm grateful for people who let me borrow their sunglasses and tell me where to stand. It's nothing less than an enormous blessing... and I've been blessed with a few lately.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Terminator Trilogy
"Pain can be controlled. You disconnect it."
"And so you feel nothing."
"It's better that way."
"You don't have any feeling about [death] whatsoever?"
"No. I have to stay functional till the mission is complete."
"Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine!"
a thin layer
Maybe it goes back to this American dream of trying to do way too many things in the 24 hours we're given each day.
I am one person. I only stretch so thin - can only commit my heart, my time, my effort to SO many people, SO many hours of work, SO many hours to school, and still have time to rest, recharge, and take care of myself. (don't forget - even sleep is a necessary gift and a gracious reminder that we're incapable of going on forever)
1 Peter tells of the importance of passionately loving all those in the body of Christ, because we are one in Him. I sometimes feel like this is a charge to love everyone I know with equal vigor and effort. But... not possible! I don't have all THAT many friends, but even I have too many for that challenge. I need some who will know me deeply and walk close to me as we fight for each other and against our own sin natures on our journey towards Christ... but I cannot maintain that depth with everyone. I can't even be a good Facebook friend with everyone!
It's been a very real battle for me. Not wanting to fool myself into thinking I'm a big shot... not wanting to cut myself down to thinking I'm not important or needed at all... knowing when it's okay to say Yes and when No is the better choice.
It's hard to give up. "I can do all things through Christ!" Still... can it be a wise and loving choice to say, "I can't be there for you like you're asking. I honor you and I love you as a member of the same body, but I need to let those closer to you during this season of our lives be your emotional and spiritual support from now on, and let me can do the same with those who are closer to me"? Can it be MORE loving of an individual to admit that someone else can do a better job at actively loving that individual than I can, due to my limitations?
I believe it can... but I don't believe I'm very good at it.
I am one person. I only stretch so thin - can only commit my heart, my time, my effort to SO many people, SO many hours of work, SO many hours to school, and still have time to rest, recharge, and take care of myself. (don't forget - even sleep is a necessary gift and a gracious reminder that we're incapable of going on forever)
1 Peter tells of the importance of passionately loving all those in the body of Christ, because we are one in Him. I sometimes feel like this is a charge to love everyone I know with equal vigor and effort. But... not possible! I don't have all THAT many friends, but even I have too many for that challenge. I need some who will know me deeply and walk close to me as we fight for each other and against our own sin natures on our journey towards Christ... but I cannot maintain that depth with everyone. I can't even be a good Facebook friend with everyone!
It's been a very real battle for me. Not wanting to fool myself into thinking I'm a big shot... not wanting to cut myself down to thinking I'm not important or needed at all... knowing when it's okay to say Yes and when No is the better choice.
It's hard to give up. "I can do all things through Christ!" Still... can it be a wise and loving choice to say, "I can't be there for you like you're asking. I honor you and I love you as a member of the same body, but I need to let those closer to you during this season of our lives be your emotional and spiritual support from now on, and let me can do the same with those who are closer to me"? Can it be MORE loving of an individual to admit that someone else can do a better job at actively loving that individual than I can, due to my limitations?
I believe it can... but I don't believe I'm very good at it.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
awareness of sin
I'm pretty self-righteous. I'm pretty good at catching sin and at least acknowledging it as such before getting caught up in a worship/sermon setting where it'll catch me off-guard and make me feel REALLY bad. I guess that just means... I'm pretty proud of my strivings toward humility.
Well, He got me last night.
I'd just left a voice message, "No, that's all right. No problem. I wasn't bothered at all."
WHAM. Right in the gut.
Not bothered by sin? Really? Not at all? Not a problem? Are you sure you want to say that?
Okay. All right. I'm think I'll go crawl in a hole now. Eight words into the first verse of the first song, "Sorry. I'm just going to chill out over here on the steps where I can curl up in a fetal position and wallow in this really, really strong condemnation."
Condemnation? No, love. That is not I. I will only convict you. I will show you your sin, draw you back to Myself.
*rocks back and forth* But look what I just did! I was evil. For HOURS. I didn't even see it. I was that blind. I didn't have time to deal with it before I entered worship. I. Am so. Ashamed.
But My child. Don't you hear what you're saying? If you were not Mine, if you were not forgiven already, would you care? Nay, would you even see it now? I've shown you, given you eyes to see, and shed blood enough to cover you. Come, rest in My peace, for I have not turned you away as you expect.
Sudden conviction catches me off-guard. So does the accompanying forgiveness. I'm grateful for both... and also for the good friends who wouldn't let me sit on the stairs alone but came and fought for me.
Well, He got me last night.
I'd just left a voice message, "No, that's all right. No problem. I wasn't bothered at all."
WHAM. Right in the gut.
Not bothered by sin? Really? Not at all? Not a problem? Are you sure you want to say that?
Okay. All right. I'm think I'll go crawl in a hole now. Eight words into the first verse of the first song, "Sorry. I'm just going to chill out over here on the steps where I can curl up in a fetal position and wallow in this really, really strong condemnation."
Condemnation? No, love. That is not I. I will only convict you. I will show you your sin, draw you back to Myself.
*rocks back and forth* But look what I just did! I was evil. For HOURS. I didn't even see it. I was that blind. I didn't have time to deal with it before I entered worship. I. Am so. Ashamed.
But My child. Don't you hear what you're saying? If you were not Mine, if you were not forgiven already, would you care? Nay, would you even see it now? I've shown you, given you eyes to see, and shed blood enough to cover you. Come, rest in My peace, for I have not turned you away as you expect.
Sudden conviction catches me off-guard. So does the accompanying forgiveness. I'm grateful for both... and also for the good friends who wouldn't let me sit on the stairs alone but came and fought for me.
Monday, March 10, 2008
a most welcome e-mail
Ran into a History classmate at Barnes and Noble yesterday whilst I was collecting information on Jackson Pollock (who, as it turns out, sounds disturbingly similar to myself). Ryan wasn't aware that our research paper was due this week. He's the same guy who wasn't aware that we had a test the other day.
Fortunately for both of us, he was right this time. I checked with the teacher and she said it's not due till the 20th, next week.
I just got that feeling that you get after you've eaten just a little too much at prom dinner but you're home now and can take off the dress that has gotten just a little too tight (even when you're sucking it in) and put on some baggy pj pants and relax.
-----------------
God, You are all we need to make us whole. We are not incomplete when You complete us. Don't let me believe that I am. Capture me.
How my soul raged against that simple prayer last night. Why so downcast?
You know what Matt asked me at care group on Friday? "Have you ever felt forgiven?" I've rejoiced in the goodness of God. I've felt relief at letting myself believe what I was singing. I've been in love with Him. But feel forgiven? Like, feely feel? ... "No" is probably not a good answer, huh?
Fortunately for both of us, he was right this time. I checked with the teacher and she said it's not due till the 20th, next week.
I just got that feeling that you get after you've eaten just a little too much at prom dinner but you're home now and can take off the dress that has gotten just a little too tight (even when you're sucking it in) and put on some baggy pj pants and relax.
-----------------
God, You are all we need to make us whole. We are not incomplete when You complete us. Don't let me believe that I am. Capture me.
How my soul raged against that simple prayer last night. Why so downcast?
You know what Matt asked me at care group on Friday? "Have you ever felt forgiven?" I've rejoiced in the goodness of God. I've felt relief at letting myself believe what I was singing. I've been in love with Him. But feel forgiven? Like, feely feel? ... "No" is probably not a good answer, huh?
a most welcome visitor
*doorbell rings*
I'm home alone. I'm not expecting any company. And the dog is barking up a storm.
I gingerly head downstairs and peek through the blinds to the front porch. I haven't had any trouble in my neighborhood yet, but I've been told some bad stories lately that happened in Greenville and am a little on edge. I see a nice looking guy in a work uniform. There's that split second of bewilderment right before a dozen emotions overtake me and my mind whirls to put the pieces together and think of something to say as I quickly open the door.
"Hi. I'm... so sorry. I completely forgot you were coming." "That's all right. I didn't wake you up did I?"
It's 11am, my hair is still wet, and my room is highly cluttered with full (at least they're all clean) laundry baskets, papers, and a card table full of research materials. Standing before me is the guy from Charter, here to set up the internet in my house. Naturally, the cable is in my room. Under a pile of stuff. *slaps forehead*
He's very gracious, if a little put off by one of my neighbors, and does the job quickly... using a laptop with a hot pink cover. "It's my wife's... mine was dropped on the job and is still in the shop. I told her I'm going to get something to cover over it, heh. But at least it does the job, right?"
So. Greetings from a house with internet! :-D I had no idea how slow it has been running, bumming off other people. This is so nice. Yay!
I'm home alone. I'm not expecting any company. And the dog is barking up a storm.
I gingerly head downstairs and peek through the blinds to the front porch. I haven't had any trouble in my neighborhood yet, but I've been told some bad stories lately that happened in Greenville and am a little on edge. I see a nice looking guy in a work uniform. There's that split second of bewilderment right before a dozen emotions overtake me and my mind whirls to put the pieces together and think of something to say as I quickly open the door.
"Hi. I'm... so sorry. I completely forgot you were coming." "That's all right. I didn't wake you up did I?"
It's 11am, my hair is still wet, and my room is highly cluttered with full (at least they're all clean) laundry baskets, papers, and a card table full of research materials. Standing before me is the guy from Charter, here to set up the internet in my house. Naturally, the cable is in my room. Under a pile of stuff. *slaps forehead*
He's very gracious, if a little put off by one of my neighbors, and does the job quickly... using a laptop with a hot pink cover. "It's my wife's... mine was dropped on the job and is still in the shop. I told her I'm going to get something to cover over it, heh. But at least it does the job, right?"
So. Greetings from a house with internet! :-D I had no idea how slow it has been running, bumming off other people. This is so nice. Yay!
good writing
"Learning is dangerous.
But I'm glad we do."
Liberty_Belle_76
Another post by Ian24601. I think it's good. I think. It's also a little scary, somehow... and possibly has something to do with what I've been working through personally... but it will have to wait until later before I can come back to it. For now, all I can think about is Pollock, but a little porcelain doll on the shelf keeps me up at night.
See if you can figure THAT one out.
But I'm glad we do."
Liberty_Belle_76
Another post by Ian24601. I think it's good. I think. It's also a little scary, somehow... and possibly has something to do with what I've been working through personally... but it will have to wait until later before I can come back to it. For now, all I can think about is Pollock, but a little porcelain doll on the shelf keeps me up at night.
See if you can figure THAT one out.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
slightly distracted...
but heck, who wouldn't be??? :-D
(No, he's not mine, lol. Found this pic online a while back. So cute I had to share!)
Many Things. (TM)
Hokay, zoh.
Monday Design class, I was behind cuz I'd skipped Wendesday's class, right? We were supposed to create a graphite value scale, or so I was told, by using the same amount of pressure with each of the ten grades of art pencil we were told to buy at the beginning of the semester. So since I forgot my tool box, I borrowed the pencils from my neighbor and quickly did the assignment. I use a really light pressure when I draw, to a fault, so even my 8B (softest graphite) was a really light shade. Turns out it didn't matter... it was just to use for the upcoming project (see last post).
Wednesday I go into class on zero amounts of sleep, as I had been up till 3:15 finishing the project and was afraid to take my medicine. It's supposed to last 6-8 hours, you see, and I only had 3.75 before the alarm went off. I figured I'd at least fall straight asleep... but it was not to be.
As per the doctor's orders, I've started halving my meds, trying to make sure I don't get hooked and can just let my body get into the groove of sleeping naturally at night. So Wednesday and Thursday night that's what I did, but was still exhausted the next day. Took a whole one last night... still didn't make much of a difference. Anyway. All that is actually a side note, LOL.
After class, I went to the Silver Chair to meet up with a couple of girls I had agreed to meet there the week before. I think they forgot we'd talked about it, but I got caught up in a conversation with a couple of the guys from church who DID happen to be there and stayed much later than I should have, considering all the work I had to do. One of them gave me the idea I needed for this big project coming up, though, for which I was very excited. (thanks Justin!)
I went into my other class, History of Western Art, on Thursday night. I was coming from art supply shopping for the big project due for Design in a few weeks that will count as two grades (it's a doozy) and was afraid I'd be late... so I tried to short cut my way there on time. Instead I got lost, rear-ended a nice lady who jumped out, looked, and waved me on, and was three minutes late for class. I think she was gracious enough to wave it this time, though. (she's a stickler for being on time)
We got our second tests back - I got an 80 (unless she didn't give me full credit for the one page paper we're supposed to hand in along with each test). Which is a few points better than the last one. Which is hard for me, since I'm used to getting A's or high B's without study... and I've spent 2 or 3 or more hours studying each time.
It became clear from the discussion at the end of class that the rough draft (to be traded with a classmate and proofread) of the big, semester-long research paper that I haven't started on... is due next Thursday. But since this past Thursday night, I've been working during business hours and haven't been able to get to the library for books. Not that I've had the energy to be looking through them in the first place. So I'm going to have to skip lunch with the gang from church so that I can get in tomorrow, and also skip the afternoon/evening at the Payne's where the gang is going to hang out and play games, because I have to be working on this research paper. And the Design project that was assigned Wednesday and is due Monday night.
Meanwhile, my room is still a disaster. The laundry basket that was full of clean clothes is starting to shrink and the dirty basket that never quite made it back into the closet is overflowing. I had to go to WalMart after work tonight so that my cat didn't think I'm trying to starve her to death (we were out of food). And I'm still tired. And I really, really don't want to start researching.
Blarg. Anyway. That's what's new with me.
Also... I had a talk with my pastor, Matt, at care group last night. I don't know that I'm satisfied even yet, but he gave me some things to chew on. Wonderful friends Katie and Salem both gave the therapist a massage that night, too. My friend Emily has had a debilitating migraine for like two weeks straight, but she still comes to care group. We have a new female therapist at the spa, and supposedly a guy coming from Italy... but right before he was supposed to start, his dad died so he had to fly out for the funeral. I think I'm getting better at my trade and I am gradually improving my body mechanics (which actually HAS seemed to help my end-of-the-day condition!)... but I'm really starting to miss secretary work. It's weird. Just had the first client to come back to me for a third time today - very exciting. She's already booked for another one in two weeks, w00t. Oh, and had a person who's been in like twenty times or more came to me today for a SUPER deep massage... and she said she'd ask for me next time. I don't even think I'm all that good at deep massage... or at least I didn't before today, hhh. OH! And Charter is coming on Monday to set us up with real internet, YAY!
My cat almost fell off the headboard of my bed. I lawled at her. ^_^
Okay. I really can't keep putting this off. Suffice it to say that life is a little weary, but God is good and I've got it way better than most.
Monday Design class, I was behind cuz I'd skipped Wendesday's class, right? We were supposed to create a graphite value scale, or so I was told, by using the same amount of pressure with each of the ten grades of art pencil we were told to buy at the beginning of the semester. So since I forgot my tool box, I borrowed the pencils from my neighbor and quickly did the assignment. I use a really light pressure when I draw, to a fault, so even my 8B (softest graphite) was a really light shade. Turns out it didn't matter... it was just to use for the upcoming project (see last post).
Wednesday I go into class on zero amounts of sleep, as I had been up till 3:15 finishing the project and was afraid to take my medicine. It's supposed to last 6-8 hours, you see, and I only had 3.75 before the alarm went off. I figured I'd at least fall straight asleep... but it was not to be.
As per the doctor's orders, I've started halving my meds, trying to make sure I don't get hooked and can just let my body get into the groove of sleeping naturally at night. So Wednesday and Thursday night that's what I did, but was still exhausted the next day. Took a whole one last night... still didn't make much of a difference. Anyway. All that is actually a side note, LOL.
After class, I went to the Silver Chair to meet up with a couple of girls I had agreed to meet there the week before. I think they forgot we'd talked about it, but I got caught up in a conversation with a couple of the guys from church who DID happen to be there and stayed much later than I should have, considering all the work I had to do. One of them gave me the idea I needed for this big project coming up, though, for which I was very excited. (thanks Justin!)
I went into my other class, History of Western Art, on Thursday night. I was coming from art supply shopping for the big project due for Design in a few weeks that will count as two grades (it's a doozy) and was afraid I'd be late... so I tried to short cut my way there on time. Instead I got lost, rear-ended a nice lady who jumped out, looked, and waved me on, and was three minutes late for class. I think she was gracious enough to wave it this time, though. (she's a stickler for being on time)
We got our second tests back - I got an 80 (unless she didn't give me full credit for the one page paper we're supposed to hand in along with each test). Which is a few points better than the last one. Which is hard for me, since I'm used to getting A's or high B's without study... and I've spent 2 or 3 or more hours studying each time.
It became clear from the discussion at the end of class that the rough draft (to be traded with a classmate and proofread) of the big, semester-long research paper that I haven't started on... is due next Thursday. But since this past Thursday night, I've been working during business hours and haven't been able to get to the library for books. Not that I've had the energy to be looking through them in the first place. So I'm going to have to skip lunch with the gang from church so that I can get in tomorrow, and also skip the afternoon/evening at the Payne's where the gang is going to hang out and play games, because I have to be working on this research paper. And the Design project that was assigned Wednesday and is due Monday night.
Meanwhile, my room is still a disaster. The laundry basket that was full of clean clothes is starting to shrink and the dirty basket that never quite made it back into the closet is overflowing. I had to go to WalMart after work tonight so that my cat didn't think I'm trying to starve her to death (we were out of food). And I'm still tired. And I really, really don't want to start researching.
Blarg. Anyway. That's what's new with me.
Also... I had a talk with my pastor, Matt, at care group last night. I don't know that I'm satisfied even yet, but he gave me some things to chew on. Wonderful friends Katie and Salem both gave the therapist a massage that night, too. My friend Emily has had a debilitating migraine for like two weeks straight, but she still comes to care group. We have a new female therapist at the spa, and supposedly a guy coming from Italy... but right before he was supposed to start, his dad died so he had to fly out for the funeral. I think I'm getting better at my trade and I am gradually improving my body mechanics (which actually HAS seemed to help my end-of-the-day condition!)... but I'm really starting to miss secretary work. It's weird. Just had the first client to come back to me for a third time today - very exciting. She's already booked for another one in two weeks, w00t. Oh, and had a person who's been in like twenty times or more came to me today for a SUPER deep massage... and she said she'd ask for me next time. I don't even think I'm all that good at deep massage... or at least I didn't before today, hhh. OH! And Charter is coming on Monday to set us up with real internet, YAY!
My cat almost fell off the headboard of my bed. I lawled at her. ^_^
Okay. I really can't keep putting this off. Suffice it to say that life is a little weary, but God is good and I've got it way better than most.
Design project 7
Create three value wheels: one done with black India (quill pen -esque) ink, one with black and white paint, and one with various grades of graphite pencil. In a way that touches each individual shade, incorporate a middle grey to contrast with the rest. This could be done with a stack of squares and a grey rectangle that stretched across them, or with triangles in a circle with punched-out dots of the grey on top of each... one girl in my class made fish bodies with the values and the middle grey was the fins... or something like that. You could be as creative as you could... my juices weren't flowing so well, but it turned out okay. I think I certainly accomplished the objective, at least!
(another bad scanning job... long story behind this one... I may come back and rescan it in when I get it back.)
Monday, March 3, 2008
Design project 6
Choose a photograph, preferably one you took yourself, that has a lot of contrast, detail, and texture. Trace the basic outline (I drew it... and it shows. boo.) and then recreate the image using a Uniball (ink) pen via varying styles of lines. You must also incorporate the use of detail and economy of lines - either lots of lines on one side and as few as possible on the other, or that same principle but radiating toward the middle, or corner to corner, etc.
Holy crap, man, I had no idea this would be so difficult. I'm okay with the end product, but geez. I have a whole new appreciation for people who do this sort of work all the time!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
signs of depression.
[one is a lack of desire to do things you normally like to do. which is the reason I'm gonna use for why I couldn't possibly bring myself to finish my art project on time last Thursday. hoping I'll be able to finish it tonight.... I've heard that sunshine is a good weapon against depression so I took it outside to work on it. I'm gonna have a pretty bad sunburn now... and I still have a lot to do on it. so this is me taking a break, hhhh.]
A man I consider to be one of great knowledge and not a little bit of wisdom (there is a difference) told me once that it's a sign of depression to feel that you'd rather be dead than alive. If you've never been depressed or a part of my family, you might think that's a no-brainer, but hear me out. I'm a Christian. I can look forward to heaven when I leave this life. I hear it's nice. No death, no tears, face to face with the Savior, and all that. "This world has nothing for me."
But life is a gift. God gave it to me. I'm a wealthy American with way too many things and way too much money. I'm a Christian - I don't have to face this life with no hope of a future even when things look down at the moment.
I've been blessed with "endless mercies and ceaseless grace" simply due to the fact that I'm alive. Or so I'm told. But what if I don't see that as a blessing? "You should be glad you're alive!" is the line you hear sometimes after the disaster scene in movies. But what if I'm not?
Think about it for one second with me. Nothing satisfies but He who is in heaven. Nothing on earth is sure. Nothing in this life lasts. Nothing we're given apart from grace and salvation is worth living for... in fact, if we ever try, God's jealousy usually finds a way to take it from us.
I'm plagued by feelings of worthlessness. Finitude. Like there is so much sin in my life that my spiritual struggles and perceived progress amount to nothing. Like I never do anything right or worthy of praise or rest. "And you don't!" you reply. "That's the beauty of the gospel - you can't earn it. It's all God!" So I feel worthless because I AM. "Well, no. No, of course not. God thought you were worth something. He sent His Son to die for you and cover your sins so you could belong to Him." Okay. So the only reason I have worth is because of the price that He paid for me - infinitely more than I could ever be worth, but because He paid it, I am worth it. But I am a tiny speck in the span of the universe and of time. I'm not worth anything aside from that.
"Bless God for His goodness." Even when all is lost and nothing is well, He is good. Well, sure. I know that because of the fact that I'm not going to hell, where I deserve to be already. But if the only things I can hope for are in the life to come, what is the value of the life I'm in? "You are to be a light to the world, giving others the chance to hear the Good News too." I am a light. But no... I'm a dead bulb. I can't even generate the energy to light up. I need an outside Source. I'm back to feeling worthless.
If I say that I don't find joy in this life, you tell me to hope in my salvation, if nothing else. Salvation from separation from God. Salvation from eternal damnation. Salvation from my sin. I will never fully experience these things in this life. So if I hope in my salvation... am I not hoping for my death?
Am I depressed? Or am I taking it all to its logical conclusion? Am I missing some key element that will unlock this mystery for me?
Don't worry about me. I'm not going to *do* anything... I just think too much, hhh. In fact, these were my musings as the pastor was talking about craving Christ this morning, LOL.
Okay. Homework!
A man I consider to be one of great knowledge and not a little bit of wisdom (there is a difference) told me once that it's a sign of depression to feel that you'd rather be dead than alive. If you've never been depressed or a part of my family, you might think that's a no-brainer, but hear me out. I'm a Christian. I can look forward to heaven when I leave this life. I hear it's nice. No death, no tears, face to face with the Savior, and all that. "This world has nothing for me."
But life is a gift. God gave it to me. I'm a wealthy American with way too many things and way too much money. I'm a Christian - I don't have to face this life with no hope of a future even when things look down at the moment.
I've been blessed with "endless mercies and ceaseless grace" simply due to the fact that I'm alive. Or so I'm told. But what if I don't see that as a blessing? "You should be glad you're alive!" is the line you hear sometimes after the disaster scene in movies. But what if I'm not?
Think about it for one second with me. Nothing satisfies but He who is in heaven. Nothing on earth is sure. Nothing in this life lasts. Nothing we're given apart from grace and salvation is worth living for... in fact, if we ever try, God's jealousy usually finds a way to take it from us.
I'm plagued by feelings of worthlessness. Finitude. Like there is so much sin in my life that my spiritual struggles and perceived progress amount to nothing. Like I never do anything right or worthy of praise or rest. "And you don't!" you reply. "That's the beauty of the gospel - you can't earn it. It's all God!" So I feel worthless because I AM. "Well, no. No, of course not. God thought you were worth something. He sent His Son to die for you and cover your sins so you could belong to Him." Okay. So the only reason I have worth is because of the price that He paid for me - infinitely more than I could ever be worth, but because He paid it, I am worth it. But I am a tiny speck in the span of the universe and of time. I'm not worth anything aside from that.
"Bless God for His goodness." Even when all is lost and nothing is well, He is good. Well, sure. I know that because of the fact that I'm not going to hell, where I deserve to be already. But if the only things I can hope for are in the life to come, what is the value of the life I'm in? "You are to be a light to the world, giving others the chance to hear the Good News too." I am a light. But no... I'm a dead bulb. I can't even generate the energy to light up. I need an outside Source. I'm back to feeling worthless.
If I say that I don't find joy in this life, you tell me to hope in my salvation, if nothing else. Salvation from separation from God. Salvation from eternal damnation. Salvation from my sin. I will never fully experience these things in this life. So if I hope in my salvation... am I not hoping for my death?
Am I depressed? Or am I taking it all to its logical conclusion? Am I missing some key element that will unlock this mystery for me?
Don't worry about me. I'm not going to *do* anything... I just think too much, hhh. In fact, these were my musings as the pastor was talking about craving Christ this morning, LOL.
Okay. Homework!
no touchy
He spoke words of kindness. Made sure she was comfortable. Waited on her, hand and foot. It made an impact, especially after hearing a sermon on the subject of loving fellow Christians earnestly. Matt was able to show Emily the love of Christ without reserve.
That's a beautiful picture... and for that reason, I'm frustrated. With myself, with my Christian culture, and the American culture at large.
See, Matt was doing his job - serving a woman who had come to his coffee shop. He did it magnificently and showed God's love through his actions much more than if he had merely served her the drink... but what if Matt had paid Emily that kind of attention at school? At church? Care group? Oh, no! Whispers start to fly and glances are shot across the room by curious (or jealous!) onlookers. He's OBVIOUSLY got a thing for her. In the secular world... well, good for them. Let them date. Shoot, let them sleep together and see if it could work out long term. But in the SGC culture... Um, Matt? We're gonna have to ask you to tone it down some. Build relationships with some other folks, too.
Now, granted. The guys in my care group are freeking awesome at this... and at balancing it out evenly so that it goes noticed as brotherly love and not special attention.
I guess... I sense these extremes of "having no appearance of evil" and "if you're talking to a woman who is not your wife, you're obviously having an affair." There's "preserving a woman's purity" and there's "The women can lay hands on her in prayer, but the guys can't." "If you believe it's sin, you'd better not do it, but there is freedom" and "If it's possible to sin while doing this, steer clear." I've never found a good balance.
I guess these rantings were also inspired by a conversation I had with my care group leader when I was at group last night. You have non-Christians, with whom there will always be a level to which you cannot relate with them because you don't share Christ as a center of your life. But there are Christians who are that way too. If you approach them trying to ask forgiveness for a wrong, they say, "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it," and your reaction is, "No it's not! I've sinned. My sin is not okay!" you're not connecting spiritually.
My guy and girl friends in college... my effective "church"... weren't afraid to touch each other. Give massages. Frontal hug for a long time. Go for coffee late at night. I felt loved by them in a way that I never had before, and not in a way that was sexual. I didn't feel like we were walking on eggshells, afraid of one another. We could watch movies and drink drinks and say words without (I believe) sinning. You never had to be afraid to be yourself because we all messed up and we all forgave each other for it. It was okay not to be perfect.
But I was seldom challenged spiritually. That's not to say that they weren't Christians or that I slid while I was with them or even that it wasn't just where my heart was for that season... but for me, it was like maintenance work, or slow progression at best.
Nowadays, my church (group of Christian friends with whom I spend my days) is passionate. Strong. Humble. Challenging. Encouraging. But I feel like I have to watch my tongue and the music I listen to and I shouldn't share my blogs with the guys and certainly make sure I never come in physical contact with any of them or else... not that I'll be shunned but that I'll get a stern talking to about something I don't see as being a sin issue for me. I'm sure some of that is mere perception and leftovers from the ideas I had about the folks at SGC Chesapeake... but still. I feel like I have to focus more on appearances than I can on just loving my brothers and sisters and being my own messy self.
And what if, say, heaven forbid, I should want to be more than friends with one of the guys? I feel like I Kissed Dating Goodbye up until college and then I left... and missed out on what it looks like when Boy Meets Girl and they actually do something about it in this sort of community.
I dunno. This is the first time I've had any SGC folks reading my blog, other than my family, so I hope you ladies will give me some feedback. I mean, obviously it sounds like there's a lot of pride lurking as far as "I don't want to give up x" and "I don't want to conform to the rules" and so on... and maybe that's true... but can you at least see through that to where I'm coming from?
That's a beautiful picture... and for that reason, I'm frustrated. With myself, with my Christian culture, and the American culture at large.
See, Matt was doing his job - serving a woman who had come to his coffee shop. He did it magnificently and showed God's love through his actions much more than if he had merely served her the drink... but what if Matt had paid Emily that kind of attention at school? At church? Care group? Oh, no! Whispers start to fly and glances are shot across the room by curious (or jealous!) onlookers. He's OBVIOUSLY got a thing for her. In the secular world... well, good for them. Let them date. Shoot, let them sleep together and see if it could work out long term. But in the SGC culture... Um, Matt? We're gonna have to ask you to tone it down some. Build relationships with some other folks, too.
Now, granted. The guys in my care group are freeking awesome at this... and at balancing it out evenly so that it goes noticed as brotherly love and not special attention.
I guess... I sense these extremes of "having no appearance of evil" and "if you're talking to a woman who is not your wife, you're obviously having an affair." There's "preserving a woman's purity" and there's "The women can lay hands on her in prayer, but the guys can't." "If you believe it's sin, you'd better not do it, but there is freedom" and "If it's possible to sin while doing this, steer clear." I've never found a good balance.
I guess these rantings were also inspired by a conversation I had with my care group leader when I was at group last night. You have non-Christians, with whom there will always be a level to which you cannot relate with them because you don't share Christ as a center of your life. But there are Christians who are that way too. If you approach them trying to ask forgiveness for a wrong, they say, "Oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it," and your reaction is, "No it's not! I've sinned. My sin is not okay!" you're not connecting spiritually.
My guy and girl friends in college... my effective "church"... weren't afraid to touch each other. Give massages. Frontal hug for a long time. Go for coffee late at night. I felt loved by them in a way that I never had before, and not in a way that was sexual. I didn't feel like we were walking on eggshells, afraid of one another. We could watch movies and drink drinks and say words without (I believe) sinning. You never had to be afraid to be yourself because we all messed up and we all forgave each other for it. It was okay not to be perfect.
But I was seldom challenged spiritually. That's not to say that they weren't Christians or that I slid while I was with them or even that it wasn't just where my heart was for that season... but for me, it was like maintenance work, or slow progression at best.
Nowadays, my church (group of Christian friends with whom I spend my days) is passionate. Strong. Humble. Challenging. Encouraging. But I feel like I have to watch my tongue and the music I listen to and I shouldn't share my blogs with the guys and certainly make sure I never come in physical contact with any of them or else... not that I'll be shunned but that I'll get a stern talking to about something I don't see as being a sin issue for me. I'm sure some of that is mere perception and leftovers from the ideas I had about the folks at SGC Chesapeake... but still. I feel like I have to focus more on appearances than I can on just loving my brothers and sisters and being my own messy self.
And what if, say, heaven forbid, I should want to be more than friends with one of the guys? I feel like I Kissed Dating Goodbye up until college and then I left... and missed out on what it looks like when Boy Meets Girl and they actually do something about it in this sort of community.
I dunno. This is the first time I've had any SGC folks reading my blog, other than my family, so I hope you ladies will give me some feedback. I mean, obviously it sounds like there's a lot of pride lurking as far as "I don't want to give up x" and "I don't want to conform to the rules" and so on... and maybe that's true... but can you at least see through that to where I'm coming from?
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