Saturday, December 29, 2007

on pruning

Christ used parables to speak to his audience in a way that they could apply to real life. I'm sure it was very effective then, but these days, you have to have a whole sermon describing what those stories meant to the people because we just don't relate.

Take pruning for example. I know enough about plants and the ways of life to know that dead branches should be removed from a plant because they aren't healthy. And I also know that when you cut part of a plant away, what is left will thrive. (I know this personally because, one year, my dad cut back the tree in our back yard to keep the branches safely away from the house. The next fall, there were pecans ALL OVER the yard that I had to help collect because all the tree's energy that year had been put into producing its fruit.)

Somehow, though, I didn't connect the two until today. I'm quite certain that I've heard somewhere that you can cut off a branch from a tree or bush, plant it, and it will grow into its own tree or bush. (if you know this to be untrue, just indulge me, lol) Looking at our wild rosebush in the back corner of the yard, I had the sudden urge to give it a try. The bush was probably ten feet tall and at least as wide, due to about six very long protrusions from its base with timid little branches at the ends that might put out a dozen pink roses a year. (as you can imagine, sometimes you almost need a ladder to reach them) It was time to help it out a bit anyway, so I grabbed an empty sherbet bucket and my new hack saw and wire cutters and went to work.

There was nothing wrong with those branches, most of them. I guess when I think of pruning, I think of dead, brown branches that need to be cleaned out because they don't belong there. But most of these were green with a handful of leaves and a rosebud even came down in the fray. I sawed off the two or three really thick "arms" that stretched horizontal across the yard and generally gave it some shape (still tall, so it can be seen from the kitchen window) before going in and making sure that the little dead branches were done away with. I had a feeling that the rosebush, were it to have emotions, would be very annoyed at me and that's probably why it injured me so, as I was working. Then suddenly all those sermons I'd heard made more sense than they ever had.

Sometimes God comes and breaks off the dead, lifeless bits of us that are ugly and have no business in our lives. These could be pet sins that we have a hard time letting go of but are glad to have them gone. But sometimes we try to spend too much energy on perfectly good things that cause us to grow in (what God knows to be) the wrong direction or quite literally spreads us too thin and far away from our nutrient-supplying base. Sometimes, for no reason that we can see at the time, we've reached so far out from ourselves for those things that they must simply be cut off in order that we can grow healthy and full and bear fruit.

@--))---

There might be another analogy about how, once we let things go, they too can flourish in their freedom, like my branch planting experiment... but I won't go there for now. ;-)

Friday, December 28, 2007

Suddenly I realized -

I was telling them that I'd been offended; not just to explain my flustered behavior and so that they could know the way it had come across, but because deep down somewhere, I was looking for correction. That I was waging war within myself and wanted a finger pointed with a voice speaking gently, "Here's what's causing the problem."

Be strong for me. Unveil my pride before me. Call it what it is.

Won't you show me what love could be?

rejection and guilt

I took the bunnies to a pet store today.

I feel terrible about it. I'm trying really hard not to... y'know, think about it. Hurting their feelings and such. They said they'd find them a good home. And besides, they're just animals. Rodents, even. I was bad at taking care of them, they stunk, they were a constantly a mess. And I get a cat instead. Cats use a box, you have only one place to clean up after them, you can keep them in the house, you get to know them, they're smarter... but I still feel bad.

I'm probably also anxious about the job. I changed jobs today, heh. I was hearing more and more bad things about this place I'd been accepted by... and then yesterday I got a call from the first place I interviewed with, saying they wanted me, too! I had a better feeling about them and I had originally hoped it would work out there... but the folks I'd talked to at Head Quarters had seemed really nice, offered me my first job, staked first claim and all that. Now there's probably no chance that I'll be able to work with them, if I don't like this other place. And I'm just getting started! This is my first job in the field and I turned them down??

I'm just scared, I guess. I really struggle with disappointing people, making people (or bunnies) feel rejected, asking too much and having someone give up on me. With the school, too. Those folks are there to answer my questions, right? Better to get my questions answered than to wander around not knowing what to do because I was afraid to bother them again, right? I just sent another e-mail saying that I might need to switch another class for my work schedule, and the response was "I'm checking this from home and it's going to be really busy and hard to get a meeting with someone when you get back." I guess... if she didn't want work to do, she shouldn't have checked her work e-mail from home, but still....

I'm just doing a lot of things differently and it's uncomfortable. I'll be glad when I can get into a routine. I just hope I like it once I'm there! XP

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

new house, etc.







Pictures of the inside of the new place to come soon... but not before I get my room set up.




Oh, and yes. I'll be bringing a feline with me, thankyouverymuch. I daresay, it's about time.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

this week

I'd been saying I would move to Greenville the first week of January. CIU always started around the end of the month, so I figured that would give me plenty of time after the holidays to get settled. My brother was going to be in VA through the 2nd and I wanted to see him as long as I could. Well, in my meetings at the school on Monday, I learned that they start January 7th instead. Officially got my acceptance letter in the mail today. I'm taking just two courses, but I'm told that the Design class isn't something you want to take with a lot of other stuff anyway because it takes so much work. Oh, and I found out I can get a refund of about 50% because of the SC lottery for Tech schools.

My half dozen rooming opportunities were mostly not really what I was looking for and I was only seriously considering a couple by the time I got home after my weekend trip. Once I wrote all the comparisons (price, location, size of room, etc.) down on paper, it was clear that I really wanted to and was best off to room with Sara, so I texted her Monday night to reserve my spot. I'll be paying a little bit more for rent than I am here, but I'm also getting 45 square feet more space to my room and the house itself is bigger. She said the current roommate would be out by Friday. Found out the next day that he was already out, Sara's sister was already moving into the other room upstairs, and I could come any time I wanted. I asked Corrina what days she had off this week; Wednesday and Thursday were her answers. I asked if she'd help me move on Thursday. She very graciously consented. *applause and cheers*

Wednesday night was dinner with the Brookses, preceded by lots of packing and trying to figure out how I'd transport all my stuff using the least amount of money. My genius father suggested I simply rent a cargo van from Enterprise... turns out it was much cheaper than all the "truck rental" place options. Fortunately, they take orders for the afternoon before.

I had three interviews last weekend and found out this morning that I got the massage therapist job at the last place - a spa downtown, six minutes from my new house. Training starts on the 3rd.

Had to go back into town today to meet up with Sara about signing the lease and paying my deposit before they left for their holidays in NY. Got a text from her brother (who owns the house) asking when I'd be back so he could be done with the alterations before I got there - painting and such to cover over a little bit of mess the last tenant left. Just about had a heart attack and politely asked him to wait till I'd had some time to reorganize the room. MAN why do I have so much stuff??

I'm trying to get a hold of Debbie, the first girl to indicate she was interested in taking my spot at 911. Iryna's heard back from Lindsay, her friend from Florence, and she said she'd be interested in at least staying through the end of my lease and then seeing what she wants to do from there, so I'm covered as far as that goes.

My room here in Cola is bare. Not empty, as I'm leaving the bed (wasn't mine to begin with), the desk, the el cheapo drawer set, and a little crate... but there's nothing "living" in them anymore except my little amphibians and crustacean. Everything is already in my new room except for my stuff for the holidays and one of the bookshelves Lexi sold me.

So you see... I've been running around screaming this week. And the only reason I'm writing this now is because I woke up in the middle of the night, hhh. Breakfast with Joy in the morning, w00t, and then another road trip to VA to see my family. I'll be so glad to rest a while. But God is good and I'm excited about what crazy stuff He's up to now.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

o, btw

I'm moving out today.

Want to help?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

liable to change...

Friday, 12:01pm
I've decided to post updates as they come, rather than trying to do a big one at the end, so check back for changes! (somebody's bound to be bored and check my blog more than once a day, right? my GOODness, I sound like I'm 14...)
Went in for the first interview (second visit) at 10:30. We got all set up and I was halfway through when there was a knock at the door saying Stacy had an appointment she'd forgotten about and she needed to go. Seriously? LOL. But she seemed really pleased with what she received and said she'd be calling my references today! A big encouragement from the one I gave at the other place - "You're not living up to your potential!" I think the massage I got last week helped, honestly. If nothing else, I was able to remember how relaxing it's SUPPOSED to be and I think it made a difference for my work. Cool.
Okay. Off to lunch!

Saturday
(never did make it online today, lol)
Yesterday I met Jessykah. She's a mostly agnostic from a Mormon background who lives with her boyfriend but is still a virgin. She's a hermit and has not had a job for a while. Left home at 15 and has spent her life living all over the country in 4 month increments. Nice enough, but just shy of "creepy weird." And the room was itty-bitty. I'd need to find a bed, but I could use the gigantic TV they were storing in the room.
I also met another lady who's in her late 30's, Liz. She lives like 8 minutes from Tech... and 20-30 from everything else. If I were taking more than 2 classes, it might work, but I know I can find someplace closer, right? Besides, the next door roosters would wake me up and the room was too small, but a bed was included. She did have a cat, though.
I also met Andrea, a lady much shorter than I with a homosexual cat ("they were going to breed him but he wasn't interested in the girls and presented himself for the guys") who is trying to sell her futon. I'm considering it still... I'm just afraid that my good experiences with futon beds with prove only to last a week once I have one of my own and then I'll be utterly dissatisfied. Maybe.

We were at Toys R Us at 9:30 this morning in the newly FREEZING weather to wrap Christmas presents. 9:30-3:00, they told us. We took turns going into the store to thaw out until 12:30 when the light sprinkle turned into a downpour that was soaking the wrapping paper and the foot-stamping customers. The Starbucks across the street who had provided a container of coffee for us to pass out to the passers-by asked us to come back when we tore down and help ourselves to their store.
When I went back to my car to drive over there, I realized that when I'd run back to my car for another sweatshirt and to get the number of the girl I was supposed to meet with at 2 (in case I needed to call to reschedule) I'd locked my keys in my car. So AAA came to my rescue about 45 minutes later.
Nicolle had given me the street address to her condo and not her apt. number... and forgot to turn her phone on, so I almost missed meeting her at all. Hers was the most central location to everything I needed. She's 37 (hhhhhh) with a little hyperactive pug and a fireplace. I think the room would be big enough for me but it might be a bit snug. Bed is included and
I would have my own bathroom, though! It was a tiny little place and she's got it full with a lot of stuff. So... I was concerned that Michelle would be irritated by my messiness? I found myself wanting to clean up after Nicolle. Not that it was terrible, but I don't know that I want to deal with that, either, LOL. SO picky, I know.
So I ran away for a while after I met with Nicolle - I preferred to sit in my car an empty parking lot over trying to socialize any more that day. I still went to the party an hour early only to find that half the party was already there getting ready. It was a long and interesting night, going through the cycle of "please can't I go hide in a corner?" to really having fun and laughing with these folks and ending in a long conversation with Rick and Christa (one of the singles that lives at his place) and getting back to Brooke's at about 1. I'd thought I was staying with Rick's family again, but Brooke offered to keep me instead because of a scheduling conflict for them. She has a love seat sleeper. Never seen one of those, but I've been sleeping well on it. :-)

Sunday, 5:18pm
Church this morning took on a new feel after having spent all weekend "in church." It was a good feeling. I used to think I was putting on a front to be so comfortable with so many strangers... now I'm not sure that I'm not just remarkably comfortable with a bunch of people who were no longer strangers after the first five minutes. I met a couple that Rick got in touch with about possibly renting a room to me after church, but it sounds like they're even farther out than Liz. So, much as I'd like to room with someone from the church, I don't know that that's a wise option. I also talked with one guy at care group who lives in a duplex with three guys on one side and three girls on the other who might be willing to take me in for 200-something a month. They're all Christians and that would be really cool... but I don't like the idea of not having a sanctuary, a room of my own to hide out in (there are only 3 bedrooms per side). I'll drive by there before I leave town and see if someone's home, at least, since I really want to make a final decision this week.
A group of, gosh, 16? 18? of us went to Corona for lunch (it's like Monterrey's) and stayed and chatted for entirely too long before I left to meet Sara. I like Sara. She's only 25 (someone my own age!), the house is nice and new, it has fun (but not obnoxious) colors, my room would be bigger than any of the others I've looked at this weekend but is one of the cheapest, is 5 minutes from downtown and only 12 from church (17 from school), it comes with a twin bed, the stairway is big enough not to be a problem for moving my chair in, it's clean, and she's redecorating so I'd be able to help out with that and make it my own a little. I told her I needed to not make an on the spot decision but that I was VERY interested. :-D Unfortunately, I took a call from SportsClub while I was there, telling me that my heart was not in my massaging and they'd be looking elsewhere. Interesting that they know where my heart is and I don't, but after getting the same feedback after that second try I'd already pretty much guessed that answer.
Now I'm sitting in Carolina Coffee Roasters, my favorite coffee shop and just around the corner from church. I always go get a drink before church but didn't have time today so here I am, having long finished my Mistletoe Kiss drink, lol.
Not sure what the evening holds... tomorrow I have my two Tech meetings, an interview, and one m0re potential roommate to meet... talk about not being the same age. She's 53. I'm tempted to call it off at this point, but hey, I'm here and need to fill my time till 6:00, right? Also, I need to meet new people! Till next time....

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Vitamins and sufficiency

"You want to take two of these, three times a day."
"But... it says you get all the vitamin C you need in just one!"
"Well, yeah, if you want to settle for JUST what your body needs. If you really want to do yourself good, you'll need more."

I'll confess to anyone that God is sufficient. That He is all we need. That He should be enough and if you feel like you need something more, it's a problem with YOU, not with Him. I'll claim those truths till I'm blue in the face.

But.

I have a "settling" mentality. I think that if I had nothing but God, it would be okay. I don't need anything more. In such a way that it's the same as saying, "You just need a little water and bread to survive." True, I suppose, but if you want to be healthy, you need vegetables. You need meat. You need exercise and sunlight.

I've been thinking of God as bread and water, and of friends and relationships and music and art as vegetables, meat, exercise, and sunlight. Not necessarily in that order. ;-) The things that you can live without but aren't necessary to keep you alive. It hit me tonight, though. I don't think that's it at all. What if He IS the bread and water... AND all the rest as well? And what does that make all the rest of the things in life that we so crave but mere reflections of the real sustenance we need for life more abundantly? Besides. If you really had nothing in life but bread and water, your body might not die, but I daresay, your soul would. And which is the more important?

[did I mention I'm having a rough time? it's true. I'm trying though. big road trip this weekend - four days, three job interviews, two meetings at the school, three singles' events, and I've lost track of how many girls I'm meeting with about my housing situation. I'm stressed and anxious and unsettled. please pray for me.]

Monday, December 10, 2007

I'm thankful.

Thankful that I'm not sick. Seems like everyone around me is, but I haven't caught anything yet. I'm chock full of hormonies and have had an annoying little headache for a day or two, but nothing big.

Thankful that my parents are supportive of me... and that they care enough to offer concern when they think it's due... and that they offer the free use of furniture. :-D

Thankful that I'm rich. Thankful also that I have a third spa who wants me to come in this weekend for an interview, and both of the first places have asked me back for a second visit - I'd hate to be at this point and have no job opportunities!

Thankful for all the people who have responded to my questions about housing possibilities - I'd hate to be at this point and have no idea of a place to move to!

Thankful for springtime days nestled a week and a half into December.

Thankful, oh so thankful, for my dear friends and family who listen patiently to my nonsensical ramblings and worries and tears. I love you very much.

Thankful that God is God and knows what He's doing... or so He says. ;-)


[it's been a rough week... slowing down is hard to do.]

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Where's the beauty?

Sarah introduced me to "Cole" (I still think of him as Ian) some time ago. We've never met and I've never spoken a word to him, but sometimes God uses his words to speak to me.

He's long winded. Truly, I shouldn't say anything, because I'm quite the same. While that's something I appreciate in the blogs of close friends or in personal e-mails, it's hard to launch in sometimes, thinking "I don't know this guy and he wants me to read HOW much?" I read his update this morning, though; as always, I'm glad I did. When you have a few minutes, I'd encourage you to read it, too.

It got me to thinking. Why did I start this new blog? To whine about a bad day? To talk endlessly about little nothings? No, I wanted to share beauty. The beauty I see around me; the beauty of God. I wanted to encourage people and point them to Him. Where did that go?

I think you'll agree I have a lot going on right now... I told Lexi last night that I felt like I hadn't gotten much done yesterday, only to go and make a list of all I had done and it filled more than a page in my journal, heh. I have a natural tendency towards anxiety when I'm trying to get a lot done. I don't mean necessarily worry as such, but that thing where all your muscles are tense and you drive a little too fast and you can't take your time with things....

So I went and got a 30 minute massage yesterday, blowing the entire check I'd gotten for babysitting the night before. (hey, at least I earned my massage, right?) It was something the first lady I interviewed with suggested I invest in, as a part of my preparation for taking a spa job. I confess, I wasn't terribly impressed while lying there. Maybe I should have asked for a sports massage - I like to feel like I'm really getting work done on my knots. But it felt good; certainly can't dispute that. (I'm touch deprived, that's for sure. Ashley, come back!) Something weird happened though, between getting undressed and bidding my little therapist farewell: I slowed down.

I know that the relaxed feeling isn't going to last; no "feelings" do. But that place of rest is something I want to spend more time in. I can pray, read my Bible, talk to friends, and even give massages without ever resting in those good activities... and I think that's key to why I don't feel like I'm doing them very well. I talk a lot about enjoying life and not wasting it on drudgery and such... but I can do the things I enjoy without allowing myself to enjoy them because I'm too anxious about what else needs to be done... that's just as bad, and probably worse - the things I love become a duty to complete.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - about who I am and who I should strive to be and who I am not. Nothing new, I guess - doesn't everyone ask those questions at one point or another, including me, on multiple occasions, lol? No answers yet, but I'm looking.

But time. Time is slipping away as I speak of it.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Word to the wise...

When you can sit around in baggy pants all day long and don't have to go out or dress up, it's easy to let your waistline expand.

At the top of my To Do list for tomorrow: start being more careful about that!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

"To tell the truth, I live in fear of audiences."

Of all the things I could dislike about interviews, I think what gets me much more than anything else is the way I have to sell myself. The knowledge that I have to stand out in order to be chosen over however many others have come before and will come after. What if I don't want to stand out? What if I don't want to get noticed? What if I just want "just me" to be good enough?

I went for a run and stayed up till 1 last night to make sure I slept. And sleep I did, but only till 5-something because my subconscious was paranoid that I wouldn't wake up in time to get to the first interview. I left the house just before 7, looking okay, I thought - my burgundy skirt and black bell-bottomed sleeve shirt with the burgundy tank underneath.

I got to the location a half-hour ahead of time (better early than late) so I sat in the car for a bit before going in. Once inside, I was told to my chagrin that I had the wrong "714 Main Street." I called and couldn't get through, so I left a message saying I might be late. I actually wasn't; found the place in time on the other side of downtown. But when I got there, they handed me 4 pages of application forms to fill out, mostly personal questions, how do you feel about this scenario, etc. Stacey got there and sat down across from me and waited... I got through page two before she was like, okay, we can talk about this instead. We went back to her office for all of maybe five minutes before she goes, "I hate feeling rushed like this. You wanna just head over to your meeting at the school and call me when you get done? And are you sure you know how to get there?"

I drove off and minutes later realized I'd forgotten to write down the phone number that was posted plainly on the front of the store. Then I couldn't find the street to turn onto to get to the school. What should have been a 20 minute drive took 50. With 10 minutes of time left in the time slot of meeting that had been arranged for me, I went up to the hall only to be struck by the fact that they hadn't told me a room number to go to and for the life of me I had no idea who it was I was looking for to apologize for not showing up. After pondering how I could possibly ask someone, "I was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago... any idea where the person is that I'm supposed to meet with?" I stupidly walked out again. I drove back to the store, called the number, and walked in.

Stacey wanted to know about my schedule. Didn't I talk about it at the meeting? I couldn't tell her. Not after she'd tried to make sure my directions were good. Not after she'd left her meeting to get to the interview that morning because she wanted to fit it in before my meeting. She seemed to like me okay... and said we'll be in touch about coming in again for step two of the interview - to have me give her a massage. I offered multitudinous thanks and left.

My confidence was so shattered that I didn't even want to go into Marble Slab. I did finally go and apply... I figure it's something to keep me from going completely under if something doesn't work out right away with the massage... and I truly do like it there. And I bet if they hire anybody, I'm a shoo-in with all my experience. ;-)

I wandered around downtown for a while and finally settled on Coffee Underground for lunch. A nice place, but I didn't feel like being alone after the morning's drama and I was somewhat unwell. Fortunately, A Shlee came online (I'd brought my laptop) and was my friend. :-)

Then I left for the other interview, leaving in plenty of time in case I went to the wrong place. Except when I went in to check (I had it right this time), the guys at the desk escorted me back and I sat waiting for a half hour. "Do you have your resume?" I... well, no... don't you? "Well that's okay, I can print it off. And obviously you're not dressed for it... I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you I wanted to get a massage today to see what you're like." Well, I have jeans and a collared shirt in the car I can change into! "Would you? And you don't have sneakers? You can use mine, if you want!"

So I gave her a massage. Wearing her shoes. And I ran short because she didn't want me to do the fronts of her legs (that's 10 minutes that I should have added elsewhere but didn't plan for ahead of time). Then when I asked for feedback she said I could probably be really good (and I think she meant it) but that I'm holding back, like I'm not sure I really want to be doing this. Now, this interview was at a gym, for people who want deep muscle tissue work. This is not a "pet me make me feel good" massage. I wasn't sure how to deliver for her. But she's right. If there's any word to describe me, insecure would be a good one. She said she hoped I'd be willing to come in a few more times and give the other girl a massage and that they'll give me some good advice... thought that was awesome but didn't make me feel very confident.

Of course, neither of these ladies was much for the fact that I've never worked this sort of job before. Just in case you thought they missed it.

I drove around a bit, just getting acclimated to the area, then showed up early at the house where Michelle, my prospective new roommate, lives. So early, in fact, that she pulled in a few seconds after I did. Which was just embarrassing for both of us. It's a CUTE house, in perfect condition, the room is a good size, etc. etc. My biggest concern is that the place was spotless. She's a self-proclaimed neat freak. I'm... well, let's just face it. I'm not. I wish I could keep a house looking like that, but I know I can't. She says she'd be fine with it as long as the common areas are clean... I just don't know that it won't become a point of contention, even with my best efforts.

It was dark. I was tired. I was all spent on people I didn't know, in a city by myself, discouraged about the interviews and missed meetings and frustrated that I was frustrated because it's so totally a pride thing and I KNOW it's a pride thing and it's still such a HUGE part of me....

I needed to fill up on gas. (got it for $2.76, btw. that's a plus!) As I was putting the nozzle into the tank, it started spewing gasoline everywhere and got all over my right foot and hand. Then when I got back in the car, starting to suffocate from fumes, I couldn't get the key to turn in the ignition. I sat there, unable to roll down the window and not wanting to leave the door open, fiddling with the key and crying
for a good 5 to 8 minutes before it cooperated.

I had a long day. And I am tired. To those of you who asked, thank you for caring how my day went. It's just... it was a long story that I didn't want to have to repeat.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

it'll just take a little time

For some, it is easiest to focus on the past. The good that was, beauties in life that have died.

Some insist on looking toward the near future. What good or dread is to be had in three months, half a year, five.

Others would rather see all life as though through the eyes of one who's already seen it. The aged who are no longer strong or beautiful, but wisest of anyone for all they've experienced.

Why must it be so difficult to see TODAY? The afternoon you are spending in quiet enjoyment with a friend. The three hours you wasted on a stupid movie you watched alone. The coffee date with someone you wish was more than just a friend but is a dear friend, nonetheless. Why is it so hard to see the beauty in the present moment? Why am I always looking behind and ahead but so rarely at the minute I'm actually IN?

I think I've blogged about this before... but I needed to hear it again.

"Praise the Lord! This is an answer to...

faith!"?

Wait, no, you're supposed to get "answers to
prayer," right? Because if you don't pray and ask God... well, yeah, He's omniscient and He knows the desires of your heart, but it says "pray without ceasing!"


When I woke up yesterday morning, I had two e-mails in my box. One was from Tech, saying I had a meeting with a professor scheduled for 10am on Wednesday; could I make it? The other was from a spa in Greenville asking if I could come in for an interview at 4 on Wednesday. I also got a response from one lady saying she would be available Wednesday night at 6:30 to show me the house she's trying to find herself a roommate for. Oh, and another spa called and when I told her I'd be in Greenville on Wednesday, she said, oh, well can you come in for an interview at 9am?

At this point, the "normal" Christian answer would be, "what an answer to prayer!" But as soon as I thought that, I thought... but I haven't even started praying about this. I mean, okay. In my journal entries I've asked for guidance and provision and said, "I'm scared out of my skin but if this is what You want me to do...." But driving around, lying in bed trying to sleep, quiet moments... the prayers have been casual conversations, not what I'd consider to be "prayer and petition." To be sure, I SHOULD be! And will, now, as this is such a good reminder. It's just so easy to wait until you're desperate to start praying with desperation.

But the more I thought about this quandary, the more this line of thinking sounded works-based. "God won't answer unspoken prayer, woman! Get on your knees and gimme 30 minutes of weeping and gnashing of teeth!" But why not? He surprises me with a breathtaking sunset on a bad day when He knows I need it... what's to stop Him from granting bigger unspoken requests?

Or maybe He just wants to make sure that I don't take any credit for it: "You have too many [soldiers] for Me to hand the Midianites over to you, or else Israel might brag: 'I did it myself.'" Judges 7:2 "*I* spent days in prayer and fasting on my face before the Lord! And He finally pulled through for me. Took Him long enough." He certainly doesn't owe me what I ask for; I've long thought prayer was much more to our benefit than it was to His, anyway.

It's grace. Unearned grace that I don't deserve. I just have to accept it and praise Him for it.

Monday, December 3, 2007

This one's boring.

I spent several hours online locating and applying for massage therapy jobs on Saturday. I heard back from one telling me that they're a brand new business opening this week and they have everyone they need at present, but expect to need additional hands in the future. I got an e-mail from an "Emily" on Sunday, daughter of a CIU employee, and she's coming by tomorrow to check out my room and house to see if she'd like to move into my spot. I wrote Rick asking if he has any news about a place *I* can move into, but he said he doesn't have anything so far... sounded like he hasn't quite recovered from the holidays enough to really look. ;-) I also wrote one of the counselors at Tech on Saturday (haven't heard back; didn't exactly expect to, before the work week started) asking if I could schedule an appointment this week to come and talk to her about enrollment and the program.

I sang in church on Sunday. It felt much better to me than last time, heh. Then Iryna brought David home for the afternoon. He's adorable :-), but I was slightly envious and mostly unsure of how to interact with them as a couple and with him, having just met for the first time, so I spent most of the time in my room (
I do that anyway, nowadays) and tried to take a nap. Then I built a fire and worked on my Christmas project. I thought about going for a run, but was stupid and didn't do it and couldn't sleep. Again.

Here it is, almost 5:30 in the morning, and I'm writing nonsense in my online journal for no reason other than I can't sleep... and I think I just miss talking to people.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Today.

Started Amos.
Worked on an e-mail.
Went to the CIU Fitness Center.
Talked to Teresa about babysitting again while I'm still here. I've got the time, right?
Watched a movie with Lexi and worked on a Christmas present.
Got a call from Bill (Teresa's husband) asking if I can babysit tomorrow.
Had dinner and watched a movie (I've been watching a lot of movies lately) with the Brookses and worked on the present some more.
Sang to myself in the car.
Checked the mail and got Ratatouille. And a paycheck. And my confirmation postcard from Locks of Love.


And my massage license.


It is a good day.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Friends don't let friends watch movies.

Well, okay, that's not true. August Rush, for example, was a musical and visual masterpiece and is going on my list of soundtracks I need to get.

On the other hand, though.

I saw Click the other night. I'm not a big fan of the Adam Sandler genre, generally, but this one wasn't too bad as far as that goes. I actually enjoyed it and thought had an interesting message... but one that hit badly during this season for me. A message that unfortunately went right along with some other things that I've been absorbing from various sources lately. That of the relentless marching of time. *cue ominous dun dun duuuun*

To put it simply, Click is a classic story (or at least, I've certainly heard it before, only then I think the guy was pulling on a piece of string...?) of how we might wish parts of our lives to be skipped or skipped ahead TO, but if we actually had that ability, we'd realize only in the end how much we missed out on. I also read the online daily articles from Psychology Today and most recently they've been talking about men and how, once past 35, they're increasingly responsible for mental defects in their children because the genetic code they pass on starts to "break down." And then there's the issue of The Farm, where I spent many long weekends growing up. It's not an incredibly exciting place, but it's kind of a big deal to me - I wanted to take my love there one day, y'know, at least once... but the family probably won't be holding on to it much longer. Etc. Etc.

I'm envious of the couples I hear about who got married when they were 17, 20, 22, 25.... But then I hear about the couples who didn't get married till they were 27, 30, 32... that disgruntles me too because I ache to think I'd have to be without *him* that much longer.

This not knowing gets in my bones and eats away at me. Part of me wishes I could push Fast Forward just for a peek to see where I end up... part of me wants *him* (or really, Him) to push his Fast Forward so we don't miss out on any more time we could spend together. This business of loving and being loved and figuring out how to live life with another person more intimately involved than ever before and finding out how it really is a delightful thing and learning how to navigate the non-delightful parts... I want to experience it for myself. It's going to be hard and I want to get started!

It's the same, sad old story as always. I thought I was doing better though; that's what bothers me the most. I don't know where this dissatisfaction is coming from, all of a sudden.

This has been "Heart to Heart" with Jessi. :-D

The heavens sing Your praises....

Monday, November 26, 2007

ironic yet tasty

The weather was beautiful on Thursday. Almost, I thought, TOO warm to be considered genuine camping weather, though it would certainly have sufficed. (It's gotta be nippy for it be genuine in my book.) When we left the house on Friday, however, we knew we were in trouble: 30/40 degree weather both nights as we attempted to sleep in a tent. Glad I brought a comforter along with my sleeping bag, lol! But no rain. Traditionally, when we go camping as a family, it's either too cold, rainy, or both.

Today brought the warmer weather and the rain and I now find myself dissatisfied with the new layout of my room as my green chair is most definitely too far away from the window to enjoy the beautiful gloominess outside.

In other news, I had the necessary forms notarized and checked and triple checked the list of things I needed... and mailed off the application form for my official massage license. (Apparently, the paper I earned after I took the exam wasn't the last step. Somewhere along the line, I didn't catch that part.) I also applied for my transcript to turn in to Greenville Tech when I go to talk to some folks and finalize my enrollment... either this week or next. Still waiting to hear back from the singles' pastor about rooming opportunities at SGC.

Thanksgiving Dinner: Part 2 was great. Four of the family members were able to make it back into town for the event along with a face new to me. We totaled thirteen sitting around the hosts' table and extended around a card table as well. Contributions to food and conversation were delicious all night long and I left full and happy. Interesting. With these folks, these dear friends, there is no concept of time, no feeling of, "You've been gone so long!" once they are again present. For all the "I miss you so bad!"s while they're away, upon their return, it's as if they'd never left. That fellowship was perhaps the sweetest course of all.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

sometimes.

Sometimes there's an awful lot that I'm thinking or feeling... things that I may or may not want to talk about, but am unable to, regardless. Sometimes there are questions I dare not ask though I'm dying to have answered... sometimes I'd give anything to will words of mine unsaid.

Sometimes I'm a quiet kind of sad and lonely - not enough to mention... just enough to make me admit it to myself. Enough to make me withdrawn.

Sometimes... like tonight.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

"She's gone."

"No! Don't you say that!"
"She's gone! ... She's gone."

[if you haven't seen the sequel to XMen and plan to, you may not want to read this post for the sake of spoilers]

I was talking with a friend recently about how absurd it is for a single girl to expect a knight in shining armor who will be everything she ever wanted and will love her always and forever happily ever after. It's a bunch of bs and I wish fairy tales didn't have that effect on us when we were little girls. Life is real, it's crappy, things don't turn out the way they should, people get angry.

But I watched X2 last night and it tugged at my heart strings in a way that most movies usually don't. There's something too real in Cyclops's reaction to losing Jean. It's not that they had a perfect relationship or that he was so proud that he didn't let it get to him visibly. Normally, he is a pretty stoic, solid character. But when it comes to his love, he runs after her. He pleads with her. He falls apart when she disappears.

I've noticed that when I hear bad news - that a loved one has died or other tragedy has occurred - it takes a good long while to sink in before the tears start. It's when you start facing memories of the person with whom you'll never make another memory that it really starts to hurt. But it wasn't that way for Scott - he's connected to her. They are one. She is such a part of his life that she is missed immediately when she's not there. That's not something you get from a superficial relationship, a fling, a one night stand.

It's too much to expect my man to be home at 5:30 every night, remember every detail and date, have straight white teeth and perfect hair, play an instrument, and hold a respectable business job for 40 years. The men we love and adore are not the Prince Charmings from Disney films. They're real and life happens. But this? Would I be a fool to dream of a man who can (usually) hold himself together under adversity that we face as one, but who will love me with such a passion that losing me would cause him to weep? Not just because I'm someone he'll miss making memories with, but because he'd do anything for me... and he can't save me from this?

Monday, November 19, 2007

weekend refreshment (pt. 2 - Tech)

The school was awesome. I walked in to what seemed to be an empty building. I'd been told that a packet would be waiting for me at the front desk; it was. I started toward the display in the front room when a security guard, Cat, asked if I needed help. Turns out she was waiting for me - one of the people I'd been in contact with had asked her to show me around. I told her I wanted to study art, so she took me upstairs and introduced me to Aaron - a tall, Amish-bearded fellow with very white teeth and a big smile. She said he'd be better equipped to give me the tour (even though he protested that he's never given one before, lol). He's... an artist. I forget that when we're in our element, we're very distinct individuals.

Guys, I can't explain it, but art does something to me. I stepped foot onto the art hall and spontaneously started jumping up and down. I was breathless and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling the whole time.

Afterwards, I went back downstairs to actually look at the display I'd seen earlier. They were award winning pieces, many of them. The Cat came back as I was finishing up and wanted to chat about what I was doing and what my plans were. She's been in the military and in and out of Tech for like 25 years now. She's very bitter in a strange, good humored sort of way. Bitter that she's just figuring out what she loves... and that she spent half of her life in
Columbia. I still think it's a nice place to be, but I can't deny that if nothing else, Greenville's a lot prettier. After a good 20 minutes plus, she looked me in the eye and said, "You're just scared. Just make the move. You've already made the decision. Don't waste any more time."

I... well, I... hmm.

Crap.

weekend refreshment (pt. 1 - church)

Safe travels, there and back. Safe travels while there, too - it has long been my practice that when I wish to get acclimated with a new area, I get hopelessly turned around to the point that some might accuse me of being lost. ;-)

It was good to be at a SGM church again. But more than that... much more - the fellowship was so good. Interesting, since I'd only ever met one of the singles before (Jon Payne's cousin, LOL) and yet I was already family.

It was exhausting. The interaction and the thinking, both. I mean, I'm an introvert, right? It's not natural for me to fall immediately into conversation of any substance with a stranger. The way that is most natural to me... or let me call it my life-long habit... is to go early to the meeting, be cordial, and leave when it's over. This is true of the classroom, church, small groups, parties, you name it. For whatever reason, I can't stand lingering afterwards. Is that because I'm afraid of being known? Is it really just that large crowds overwhelm me? I mean, I'm always happy in retrospect that I was able to have a good conversation with Sue or Bob or whoever, but in the midst, I'm itching to run away.

We as Christians need accountability. We need people who know us intimately and who will ask us the questions we don't want to answer. I know this; you probably do too. But as soon as I fall into, "It's against my nature to be around a big group of people this long" I lose out on the quality, Godly fellowship.

So is it just that I was a novelty? That I announced my coming so I was duly welcomed? Anyone can put on a good act for one weekend, including me. Not that I think I was un-genuine, but I pushed myself to be out there and meet people in a way that I'm not at all certain I'd be able to maintain. Will I be the problem wherever I go because the mere idea of pursing relationships and accountability that seriously makes me want to crawl in bed and sleep for a week?

Interesting. I'm doing it again. God pounded me a number of times in this one weekend that I look too quickly for affirmation, confirmation, guidance, wisdom from other people. Some people don't do that at all, and that's not wise either, but my habit cripples me, too. This is one thing I can't get final answers on, though. Not outside of Him.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Why I love Riverwalk...





Two roads diverged in a yellow wood


And sorry I could not travel both


And be one traveler, long as I stood


And looked down one as far as I could


To where it bent in the undergrowth,


Then took the other as just as fair


And having perhaps the better claim;


Because it was grassy and wanted wear,


Though as for that, the passing there


Had worn them really about the same.


And both that morning equally lay


In leaves no step had trodden black.


Oh, I kept the first for another day!


Yet, knowing how way leads onto way


I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh,


Somewhere ages and ages hence:


Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-


I took the one less traveled by,


And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost
"The Road Not Taken".




[To view a bit larger, click on the pics]

My neighborhood's not too bad, either. ;-)

Wanderlust

Do you ever get it? The itch to leave? Just up and move somewhere new, no matter how irrational? Frankly, I think it's a big factor into why I love parks and road trips so much - it's a quick escape from the normal without having to fill out change of address forms.

But the thing is, I'm TOO rational. Wait, well... when it comes to this, anyway. ;-)

"I love this man/friend/neighborhood/geographical feature so much. I'm grown. Why don't I just go?" I'm sure it happens. But when the wanderbug bites me, my first thought is, So you move. Then what?
You might fall out of your love's good graces. Suddenly you're ten minutes away from your friend and you're spending even less time together because there's no urgency to "treasure what time we have!" You get tired of the scenery, no matter how great it seemed before.

On the other hand, I think there are times when God puts an itch in us to do "x" and it's too easy for someone like me to write it off as being bored or trying to escape something... or trying to run TO something. How many opportunities have I lost because I thought their pursuit would indicate hateful discontent with a perfectly fine set up? Because I was afraid that chasing a dream was idolatrous?

I've been bitten. Hard. I tried to think, "Well, this is the longest I've lived in one place since before college; am I bored?" "Am I just irritated?" "I don't know many people there, but if even they left, would I be okay?" "I've always liked Columbia. Why should I want out now?" But none of these questions have answers that are holding me back.

Pamela advised that I was right in thinking that with a change this big (the school, massage, etc.) my feelings are legitimate - that I need a fresh start in a new place where I won't feel tied to the stuck-in-a-rut old ways of living. Of course, this is the same woman who thinks manipulation is perfectly acceptable and even necessary in your dearest relationships... so I'm not sure how much I trust her judgment. ;-)

So I'll be in Greenville this weekend staying with some ladies from Sovereign Grace Church, where I'll be attending if I move. I'm going to sit in on the singles' care group Friday night and attend the weekly service on Sunday... and on Saturday, I'm going to check out Greenville Tech's Art program.

Pray for me. I'm scared out of my mind.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Good Will Hunting (part 2)

Am I the person I am or the person I could be? If I'm trying to be true to myself and not be someone I'm not... where does "bettering myself" come in?

"No, I don't fold my laundry or wash my dishes. I'm a lazy, messy person. It's just who I am."

"No, I won't go back to school or try a new field of work. Shoot, I won't even relocate for a fresh start. I'm afraid of change and rejection - I'm an insecure person. It's just who I am."

I spent Monday in Charleston. I love going to Charleston. Somehow it helps me think... plus it's friggin' awesome and also beautiful. I took my big Mead, 5-subject spiral notebook and a fat ink pen out to the pier, lay down on one of the square benches at the edge, and began to write. I was there for hours.

See, I loved my job at the church. It was something I felt like I could do. Not in the sense of capability, but by default, in the sense of "you can't hardly screw this one up, right?" Obviously, one can. But it felt comfortable and safe. And yes, I believe I truly did love what I did. But they said I wasn't perfectionistic enough to hold it. They said they wanted to "release" me to find somethin
g I really loved.

Before I went to the pier, I went in the Waterfront Gallery on East Bay Street. I looked around slowly, soaking everything in. As I passed by the front desk, they asked (and I'd heard them whispering before) if I was an art major. The question flattered and crushed me. Flattered because I must have looked like I knew what I w
as looking at... crushed with a wave of, "I should have been." Back in a corner, taking in every inch of the pieces, I spontaneously started to cry. At the beauty of the works, yes, but mostly with an overwhelming realization that I could be doing that. I should be. I NEED to be.

Looking out alternately between the desperate cries of prayers on my paper and the glistening water before me, I forced myself to talk (write) through everything. How I felt, what was valid, what was true. After a while I was in tears. I was angry that I felt so pressured to find something great, my perfect fit, when I didn't even know what it was. That they were telling me I didn't love what I did. That I was hearing that I'd failed. That if this wasn't for me and I couldn't even handle something this simple, what could I ever be good for in the working world other than perhaps scooping ice cream?

"I want to love. I want to live. I want to love life. ... Is there a fire in me? Can I ever set it loose on the world? Will it only destroy me in the end? I don't want to settle for contentment due to fear, but I don't know what to do next."

A man, a stranger walked by and I was struck by the fact that it's not that I don't like people... just large groups of them that are talking at me and irritable because they've let their pride get to them. But REAL people - hurting people, happy people, people who need a hug... I like them. I want to love them.

And then I knew. It scared the spit out of me, but I knew as clear as I knew I was sitting there with tears leaking down my face. I need to go back to school. I need to study art. And I need to get a job in the meantime as a massage therapist.

Just like that.

I stood up and walked to the far right end of the pier where I could just let it out without lots of people walking by and stared at the reflection of the setting sun dancing on the waves. And then something else hit me like a ton of bricks - I could brush this all off, say it was something I ate, go home and look for something safer... but I'd be disobeying God.


So what does that have to do with a movie that has way too many swear words in it? Will had a gift and he wasn't doing anything with it. He was happy and satisfied with the easy, the simple, the safe. I'm an artist, or so I claim... but isn't an artist someone who is not just capable of making art but someone who actually DOES it occasionally?

Maybe one day - should be some day soon - you'll come knock on my door and I'll be gone.

Good Will Hunting (part 1)

               CHUCKIE
Are they hookin' you up with a job?

WILL
Yeah, sit in a room and do long division for the next fifty years.

CHUCKIE
Yah, but it's better than this s-. At least you'd make some nice bank.

WILL
Yeah, be a f-in' lab rat.

CHUCKIE
It's a way outta here.

WILL
What do I want a way outta here for? I want to live here the rest of my
life. I want to be your next door neighbor. I want to take our kids to
little league together up Foley Field.

CHUCKIE
Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but in 20
years, if you're livin' next door to me, comin' over watchin' the f-in'
Patriots' games and still workin' construction, I'll f-in' kill you.
And that's not a threat, that's a fact. I'll f-in' kill you.

WILL
Chuckie, what are you talkin'...

CHUCKIE
Listen, you got somethin' that none of us have.

WILL
Why is it always this? I owe it to myself? What if I don't want to?

CHUCKIE
F- you. You owe it to me. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be fifty
and I'll still be doin' this. And that's all right 'cause I'm gonna make
a run at it.
But you, you're sittin' on a winning lottery ticket and you're too much of
a p- to cash it in. And that's bulls- 'cause I'd do anything to
have what you got! And so would any of these guys. It'd be a f-in' insult
to us if you're still here in twenty years.

WILL
You don't know that.

CHUCKIE
Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up, and we
go out drinkin' or whatever and we have a few laughs. But you know what
the best part of my day is? The ten seconds before I knock on the door
'cause I let myself think I might get there, and you'd be gone. I'd knock
on the door and you wouldn't be there. You just left.

A beat.

CHUCKIE (cont'd)
Now, I don't know much. But I know that.

My face is weird.

No, really. I mean it.

You remember those fancy schmancy Seacret and Etre products I was using a few months back that totally made me break out all over my face when they were supposed to be the most natural, healthy thing for your skin? And I did take them back and after much poking and prodding did get a refund. *phew* "I've never heard of that happening before. Are you sure you were using it consistently? It's completely natural; you shouldn't be breaking out." My skin started getting better, but wasn't back to normal - the blemishes that I had earned simply weren't healing - and I was starting to wonder if maybe it wasn't Seacret's fault after all. Then I remembered something.

My dear beloved friend Liz used (maybe she still does) Clearasil Ultra for washing her face when we were in college together and she swore by it. Again, I have generally very clear skin and I don't know why I wasn't satisfied with that, but I gave it a shot several years ago. It didn't work very well (I started breaking out - not a whole lot, but more than normal) so I went back to the original. Well, when I was coming off of the Seacret products, I was using Ultra again... I think I thought it would make it heal faster or something because it's supposed to give you "guaranteed clear skin in three days" and it's twice as expensive etc. etc.

A couple of days after I fully realized my repeat mistake and started using regular, cheapest-on-the-shelf, same-thing-I've-used-since-I-was-12 Clearasil, my face started to clear up. Guys, this is the first time I've been zit free in many months.

I mean, okay. I've been blessed with skin that isn't terribly prone to irritation. But I don't understand why "pampering" it would make it break out. You'd think it would at least show no signs of change, right?

My face is weird. But at least it's clean! :-D

Monday, November 12, 2007

"Hey, you runnin' again?"

Yes. Yes I am. From one screen to another. From one spot to a different one. From central state to coastal. Who knows what's next.

What are you running from?

...

That's what I'm fixin' to find out. Wish me luck!

~ a wandering artist

Saturday, November 10, 2007

harder than I expected

I planned to take this week off. You know, *enjoy* the "being single" aspect of unemployment. But road trips on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, a lunch meeting and massive cleaning on Wednesday, an emergency trip to Doctors Care (Andrea had an accident :-() and multitudinous errands on Thursday, then more cleaning and prepping for and going to an interview today, followed by several hours of online job hunting and dinner out with the Brookses... I can't say as I've been able to relax like I thought I would.

My sleep has been better, at least. Apparently, I had too many toxins in my system.

But now I'm a basket case. I've been crying all week over little things. And big things too, I guess... but not anything terribly new that needs crying over, y'know? Everything feels a shambles in my life - my room and my car and my relationships and whatthecrapamIsupposedtobedoingwithmylifenow and self worth and loving and healing and encouraging and asking forgiveness....

I'm tired of being strong. I know it's not really right but it's kinda where I hang out... the fact that it's exhausting me though means something else is up. I need to troubleshoot my soul....

(Yes, of course I'm also dealing with being completely hormonal. So don't cross me! Raaar!! ;-))

Hoping to post some pictures soon. :-)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Number Three

7723 Shav: emptiness, vanity: deceit(ful), deception, empty(iness), false (visions, hood), lies, vain, vanity, worthless

"Do not take the Lord's name in vain." Holman's CSB (what I read) reads "Do not misuse the name of the Lord your God."

But what does that mean? What was He getting at?

You could perhaps try to argue that it's antiquated. That people in that time would swear in the name of the Lord that they would do "x" and then not do it; that they made His name worthless by not following through on the promise they swore by His name. Does that have any bearing on today? Maybe notsomuch.

Growing up in a Christian home going to Christian school attending a good Christian Sunday school and church every Sunday, you get the impression that it means you better not say, "Oh my G.." or "Good L..." or especially "G..d..." (because that's two bad ones at once!) and that that's what it means. Not taking the Lord's name in vain is making sure combinations of letters and words don't come out of your mouth.

More recently, I've heard that it's "grown up" into meaning that we're responsible for carrying the name of our Lord as Christians and that whenever we sin, fail, let His cause down in public, that that is making His name to be worthless.

I might like to play the innocent one, but I'm not really offended by much... at least not any more. I'm not proud of that, but it makes interaction in most circles a lot easier when you're not running around with your hands on your ears every time somebody says a four letter word. This Number Three though... it's been nagging at me for a few months now.

Some very dear friends of mine use the name "God" in this way. As an expression of surprise, frustration, anger, even mild amusement. Is He okay with that? Is that a direct violation of His law or isn't it? I mean, I can't imagine that people who use His name as an expletive are thinking of Him when they say His name, right? So they're using the name without attaching any value to it, making it worthless.

I dunno. It just seems black and white to me. Gluttony... well, you have to eat right? Who's to say where the line is? Lying... well, there are times when you can stretch the truth for the greater good. But Don't take the Lord's name in vain? You have to make a conscious decision whether to use the Name or not. Granted, it will become habit after a while and you WON'T think about it any more, but it started somewhere.

I'm really curious about this one. I want to hear your thinking - if you're one of these folks, how you've justified it for yourself so you can use it... or what you think this commandment means instead of the "traditional" translations that makes it acceptable.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

good ones :-D

She only wanted him for his giant robot.

You sound more mystical than Plontinus!

Don't take me so figuratively.

I think our baby just crawled away.

"What's up?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "Nothing. ... Wait, what do you mean by 'nothing'?"

It was a poor decision to be sick.




Can you come in on Friday at 3:00 for an interview?

Monday, November 5, 2007

Nature lights my spark.


I like ladders.

It really is an oddity, I guess. Maybe it's the story they have to tell.

See, ladders don't come out by themselves and they don't come out for no reason. Something was broken or needed breaking into... a cat needed rescuing or a branch needed cutting... even ladders permanently secured (like on the roof outside by old bedroom window) offer the promise of adventure. "Because of me, you can go places you otherwise couldn't, do things you weren't otherwise able. Many people are afraid of me. Will you trust me? See where I'll take you?"

Maybe it's just the feisty little girl in me that was told ladders are for big people jobs... told by "big people" who didn't know just how daring this little girl could be.

I like bridges, too. And paths that wind into the woods. Stairs formed by stones or roots. Boulders that let you sit in the middle of a river without getting the least bit wet. The sound of moving water and the wind in the trees. I like that feeling you get when you discover something that you know not many people will ever see.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

he divorced me...

It never occurred to me that a job that you love could be like a romantic relationship. There's a give and take there, and you delight in each other's company. That conflict in that relationship can taint your whole world. That the world you live in, the restaurants, the stores, the halls could be stained with memories in a way that could be sweet or bitter depending on where you stood in that relationship.

I was divorced on Monday. He was perfectly nice about it and will take care of me through the end of the year, but he doesn't want to see me after Thursday. He said I'm not filling his needs. That I'm not living up to his expectations and we just don't fit each other anymore. That I should find someone I really love and who will love me back.

I don't know who knows. I know that at least two of my peers (the younger ones of us in the office) are clueless and the way the other smiled at me today, I don't think he knew either. Or maybe he did. I pretended like he did and it almost made me cry. A smile that said, "I know. I'm sorry. And I'm not going to treat you any different for it." None of the older ones smile at me like that anymore. They all avert their eyes and shuffle past. I'm not sure why that is... I'm not treating them any different... but it could be for a variety of reasons and I don't feel like expounding on speculation.

I feel like I'm talking of the death of a loved one.

Maybe I kind of am.

So. Now what? I'm actually going to send my resume in to a place looking for an Office Assistant tomorrow - a lady at my church sent the ad to me yesterday to go on the church classifieds page... I haven't put it up yet. ;) But if I really am such a bad fit in this sort of position... if I really am lousy at it even if I love what I'm doing... should I even bother? My confidence is shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know what could be out there that would love me and that I could love back... or how to find it. Blond, short, fat, glasses, braces?

What am I looking for?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Atlas Shrugged (part 1?)

I say it with a question mark because I imagine I'll be posting again later, but I don't know for sure.

When two minds you respect dislike a particular book or author that you enjoy, it makes you wonder if you're missing something, heh. I'm not done with this one, but I'm *making time* to listen to the tapes more often. It's just that it's not the sort of book I can really listen to when I'm driving to WalMart or whatever... I have to take it in large chunks when I can focus on it or else I'd get lost. Anyway, I'm almost through part two (of three; cassette 21 of 38, total.) Two points I wanted to comment on, tonight.

1. You can't threaten a person of no morals with the possibility of being found out. A prostitute doesn't care if you tell someone that she sleeps around; it is only a person who is normally moral who has anything to lose. So if a person wants to blackmail you, really all they're doing is punishing you for being a human with morals. "Because you care about what is right, I'm going to hurt you for what you've done wrong in a way that I couldn't if you didn't." Meanwhile all sorts of people get away with the same wrongs and no one says a word because there's no way to wield that power over them. To blackmail a person is to use their sense of decency against them. Hardly decent, on your part....

The other factor, though, is that the person has to feel guilty. In order for your "hardly decent" scheme to work, they have to come through for you. If you accuse them of loving their work more than the poor and leechy but they don't see the sin in that, your threat holds no power. If you accuse them of something they did not do (or word it in such a way that is inaccurate), the only reason your threats work is if they believe your accusation - believe that they were wrong.

I don't have any great analysis... I just thought this was an interesting point.

2. I don't know about you, but for a long time, I had the vague impression (along with others, apparently, because I've also heard sermons against it) that there was something inherently noble in suffering for the greater good. Being willing to serve in the nursery on Sunday when you can't stand kids - that's a noble sacrifice! Letting an inferior singer be on the worship team because you think it would mean a lot more to them than to you - wow! ... except it's not true.

This book is made up of two types of people. The "looters" are just such people - everything must be for the greater good, no one is better or should have any more money than anyone else, regardless of how hard they work. To work solely for your own gain is selfishness. It is the responsibility of the rich to cater to the "needs" of the poor whether they are trying to better their situation or not. They hate what they do and they're proud of it. The other type of character works hard, thinks well, creates beauty, and expects to be paid in full for their work. They don't work for the good of the people as such, but because they are doing what they love to do and therefore doing it well because their hearts are in it, it benefits those around them, bringing good things into the world that people need.

I think of people who work in the church. A church secretary might do just as much as or more than a secretary in a lawyer's office... but do you think he or she is paid as much? Why? Should the one be financially punished for working just as hard simply because the location is one commonly considered to be related to "selfless serving"?

Yes, I am such a secretary; don't hear this as a complaint. My needs are satisfied and I am grateful to have a job I love. But it makes me you think, y'know? "A worker is worth his wages."

What do you think? Am I missing something? Have I bought into something awful or is there a lot of truth there?


I'm singing with the worship team today for the first time at Crossroads. It felt good to be at practice Thursday night. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy singing with a group (even if the "group" is only two other singers). But again - I'd much rather serve on the worship team than on the nursery team, and there's no reason to be miserable just so I can say I served. If I'm doing what I love and doing it well, it benefits my spirit AND the people I'm serving. I just never realized that's what they meant when they said, "How are you using your gifts to further the kingdom?" Again, I thought there had to be some dread, some painful sacrifice to fulfill that. But no. You can just do what you do best.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

... and my heart stops

Jessica,

I'd like for you to meet with me, Chris and Steve Eason
from personnel as a follow-up to your end of year review.
Let's meet in my office this Monday, Oct. 29 at 2:00pm.

Thanks,
James Gould



I have no particular reason to think this is bad news other than the fiasco from July... but would you pray anyhow? Thanks.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

just happy.

What a beautiful day.

I'm wearing my little, boxy heels with the leather flower between my toes, my jean skirt with the front slit, and my goth 3/4 length sleeved shirt. I stepped out of the office to run a couple of errands and was hit by cool. Not so much that I immediately wrapped my arms around myself, but enough to be surprising, especially after the muggy heat of yesterday.

And the rain. Oh, blessed, gentle pattering rain. Tickling my face as I walk out to the car, swelling and waning in intensity as I drive down the road.

I love fall. I love rain. I love apple cider. I love those days when God seems to bless your socks off with joy and peace just for the sake of reminding you that He is good.

It's a good day.

o, n btw...

I got a few hairs cutted.

quotes

If I ever say something that can be taken two ways and one way makes you feel sad or angry or hurt... I meant it the other way. ~Unknown

Can I have your magic fingers touch my neck? ~Iryna

Izzy has a bigger tongue-to-dog ratio than all those other dogs.... ~Bill

He's such a weirdo. You two are perfect for each other! ~Lexi

You... are so ugly... and God made you that way...! ~Michael (to a spider)

Atlas Shrugged~
[The only] viler act than to murder a man is to sell him suicide as an act of virtue.
Could one conceive of an infamy lower than to equate virtue with pain?

[Holding people to] a code... which would only destroy those who tried to observe it.
He was seeing the enormity of the smallness of the enemy that was destroying the world.
He felt the shudder of recapturing his mind.

She could not descend to an existence where her brain would explode under the pressure of forcing itself not to outdistance incompetence.