Exodus

LOL, w00t. Do I have more than one anonymous observer??

For personal reasons, I don't want to post a direct link from here to my new blog, but I'll be happy to respond to e-mails sent to alittledessi@gmail.com requesting that information. :-D

I really appreciate the comment that my blog seems "spiritual," though I'd certainly have to give God ALL the credit for that because without Him, all my blogs would look something like

o_O

Anyway. I'm still posting on Xanga... still trying to find the truth in a world where suffering and blessing go hand in hand.

Be well!

Jessica loves springtime.

no, unfortunately this is not my artwork. i wish....

in midnights, in cups of coffee...

It seems it's May the fifth,
2AM,
Eastern Standard Time.
I can't believe another year went by so fast....

wait... what's an elephant doing here?

what about Xanga?

pros:
smilies
I can see all posts at once, private and public
fluctuating screen size
font size (my beef with this is complicated. just trust me.)
header format
navigation
2 ways to subscribe
the post is visible in the same window when you comment
picture upload
delete
footprints

cons:
it's hard to make it as pretty (but that's probably only because I haven't started using Xanga Themes yet...)
blog archive feature is real nice to have
automatic save (Xanga only has a manual feature that will let you save without posting and if you lose the page suddenly, you will have lost whatever you didn't save... and it will be posted prematurely. so... if this happens a lot, set it to private until you're ready to post. big deal.)
RSS feed for the comments


stuff I thought I'd like better about Blogger:
"only sign in once to get to my e-mail, RSS, and blog." well, they've taken the blogger link off of the Google links header. plus Xanga is letting me stay signed in even when I open a new window (they didn't used to) and I only have to click once to get to my home page. Blogger requires two clicks (or three, plus search and error time, if you're trying to get there just with the Google links). I mean, big deal right? but it's frustrating to me somehow.
"easy side page elements." not any easier than it is to enter the html in the Xanga Look and Feel box. plus Xanga has that same feature, again, in the Themes department that I haven't gotten into yet.
"attractive format." sure, but I can't tweak it without a technological pick and shovel. Xanga lets me in on the action and I can change the look in subtle ways as per my preference.
"RSS feed." yeah, Xanga's got that too, now.


I think it just depends on the user's individual needs and preferences. Personally, I'm thinkin' Xanga.

addendum to: previous

This is mostly for my benefit, to remind myself of what is true and right.

There's more to it than trusting that insomnia will be good for me one day. I know that, but I don't often remember it when I need to. It's not just that I will be able to look back on my life and say, "Yeah, I can see how that lesson taught me this and that in the long run," but the suffering of it can and should be good for me NOW. As long as I am willing to view it in such a light, it is a way to learn to depend on and trust God because... I have nothing left. I CANNOT keep going in my own strength. But "I can do all things through Christ." I choose, by my reaction, to make it a source of grumbling, an attempt at self-reliance that leaves me dead to the world, or this freeing slavery to His will that is Good.

More often than not, I'm somewhere in the middle, still allowing myself to be weighed down by the depression that inevitably follows the third or fourth (or first...) sleepless night but not enough to be totally destroyed by it. Or I DO remember the truth, but only in these moments before another attempt at rest, only to be forgotten in my whining that it's time to get up and I haven't had enough sleep to get me through the day.

Last night's sleep was possibly the best I've had in the last 11 days. I'm grateful for that. And now I'm going to go try for another one! :-P

a "windows wide open" day

It was a beautiful day today, if the sunset has anything to say about it. There's just enough of a breeze to bring the cool air and scents of spring (I thank God every day that I don't have allergies. Please may it always be so?) through my wide open bedroom windows.

I long to relax enough to enjoy it. I've been learning about fear in my head and in my heart, and God has been so good to usher me through this lesson... but somehow my muscles have yet to catch up. They seem terrified that if they relax, it WILL mean the end of the world.

Currently trying My Job in the case of Reinicke vs. Insomnia. I fear it may be the culprit.

I want to rest. God knows I need it; I thought I was going to collapse several times today. I pray, beg, and plead, but it seems I have nothing to do but trust that this season will "be good for me" one day....

Hey, look!

David and Andrea have a new baby too! :-D This is Alexi Edmund:

very nearly done

Tonight was my last class of my first semester of art school!!

Unfortunately, there was this little paper that I forgot to turn in (literally little, just one page) and I didn't remember her saying that we were supposed to turn in our portfolios again (why? hasn't she seen them enough??) so... prolonging the joy. Or something. But my classes are done and I'm confident that I passed both with fair or significant margins, yay.

I think I have all but two of the projects back... but... I don't really feel like messing with them and the scanner tonight. Soon, I promise. :)

YAY!

Liz and Nathan have a baby!! His name is Jeffrey Isaiah. Awwwwww.


Sorry, I'm not a big picture taker... but here he is with grandma. XD He's precious.

PICTURES!

Yes dear friends, after all this time, I've finally taken some pictures. I got the motivation when I did an overhaul on my room last night. (Doesn't anyone want to come visit while it's still clean???) So anyway, not sure how much longer I'll be here LOL but here it is, and I like it. :-D

We'll do my room first, a shot from each of the corners, going clockwise. No, you don't get to see inside my closet. Just trust me on this one - it spans the entire width of the wall that it's on. So it's a fair size, just not very deep.


issakittyyussitis!

Leave my room and you can see the spacious bathroom (it really is, it's just hard to take good pics of bathrooms...), linen closet, Raquel's room, and the laundry closet.

If you go right out of my bedroom, you'll tumble down a wide set of stairs. At the bottom, you see Sara's bathroom and bedroom to the right, and the back door and storage closet to the left.

Past Sara's room to the right is the kitchen. Pardon the mess. It's not mine. :-P


Yes, we have white columns in our house. Pass out of the kitchen/dining area and you come to the living room with a borrowed TV, former roomie's bookshelves, and hand me down purple couches. And also the front door.


Here's the view from the front of the house, yay! And working our way around to the back...


that door is to a small storage shed that Daniel keeps empty and won't let us use. -_- Those steps lead up to the back door.

Here's a shot of the neighborhood as you're looking at it down the street behind my house...

and some condos across the way. You can see the playground from here, too. Haven't tried it yet, but it seems cool. ;)


Soh. There you go!

fuzzy

I can't... quite... see. It's as though I go through the day in "that place between asleep and awake." I grasp at ideas like a vapor, and they are gone. There's a haze on everything. Listening and communicating is harder than I remember them being. I'll sit down to write and realize I've forgotten what the subject was. I've been reading more, and strangely this problem doesn't seem to affect that as much, though I admit I rarely read very much at a time.

It sounds like sleep deprivation, and the symptoms are similar, but yet different somehow... and I've been sleeping okay.

I just feel funny. And as soon as I start to wonder about it, I have to put it aside for something else - work or projects or care group or what have you.

Everything's fuzzy. And busy. And noisy. Somebody asked me yesterday why I didn't want to hang out last night. I still can't put a finger on it, but I'm looking for something. Some quiet that yet eludes me as soon as I get alone.

----------------------------------

"Why are you so petrified of silence? Here, can ya handle this?
...
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines, or when you think you're gonna die? Or did you long for the next distraction?"


"Be still. And know. That I AM God."

and where it stops, nobody knows

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

...it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:9

...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling Philippians 2:12


Back to that conversation Friday night at care group. The one that I was all upset about, but at least not yelling.

It went like this. I've spent years as a nanny, babysitter, serving in children's ministry, and taking care of my younger brother, covering (at one point or several) children ages 1-12. I've got the experience. And I know I don't like serving in children's ministry. So I approached a couple of people about whether there was another area in which I could be serving. I was met with concerned looks and the question, Why don't you like children's ministry?

Well, I don't like games. I never have. When I was little, I tried to get out of going to recess. Failing that, I would hide in little spots on the outskirts where I could be alone. I hated P.E. even worse.

I hate teaching in a formal setting. I had to do it for a year in college, and I think that's long enough to know for sure that I don't like it. And guess what age I taught? Five year olds.

I can't stand whiners and I won't stand for it when I have kids, but there's nothing I can do about someone else's kids who were raised thinking it was an acceptable way to ask for something.

I don't like entertaining big groups of people, no matter what age.

So at some point, the individuals I was talking to would ask, Well, what if you viewed it as a means of sanctification? The only Scriptural backup I could think of for this idea would be the Philippians verse, and that's really stretching it. God stays plenty busy with me. I don't think He needs help finding ways in which to sanctify me. No, I'm saying I want to serve, I want to help the congregation in some way, and there are lots of things that need doing that I actually enjoy and do well. Why pick one that will make me miserable?

Well, if it makes you miserable, then maybe you should check your heart. It sounds like you're going into it already determined that you're going to hate it, so of course you will. But what if you looked at it as an opportunity to learn ways to play with your kids, since you might not like games but they will?

If I'm going to be thinking along those lines, I know I'll get depressed. I'd be consciously preparing for something I don't believe will ever happen.

Why on earth would you believe that? When we're delighting in Him, God puts desires in our hearts that will be fulfilled. He's not out to trick you, dangle something in front of you and then say you can't have it.

You sure about that? Cuz I know I've seen things that look an awful lot like He does that sometimes because it was best at the time. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

He's a good Father. He's going to give good things to His children.

Yes He will. But how can you be so sure that what you see as good is what He will see as good? You don't know the big picture like He does. You don't always get what you want, no matter how much you want it or believe it was promised to you.

He wouldn't give you desires and then not fulfill them. "It's better to marry than to burn." If you've got that burn in you, then you can rest assured that you'll get married one day.

This is the one that really got me, and it's the third time I've heard that argument used in the last two weeks. You ever notice how the verse starts? "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry...." There's no assurance there. If you can't practice any self-control, then go ahead and mess up your whole spiritual life because you WOULD be better off taking the route that you think is easier. But if you can stand it, stay away.

Well, I can't stand it!

You don't have any prospects, either. Maybe one day God will be gracious and take that desire away, never having allowed you to find someone to marry.


This is another one of "those things" that I can't find a solid answer for. I wouldn't wish my lack of hope on anyone ever, but the reasons for their hope don't hold any water for me. I'd love to be proven wrong, but the answers are always in the same vein. The way I see it, the issue is not whether or not I should hope to have a family one day, but that I should hope in God's good provision, never knowing how that might look. But I desperately want to hope for something more specific and it frustrates me to hear that people DO... but I can't accept their reason.

Am I missing something again?

not beautiful

Not very. Not today.

My heart is weary and heavy laiden. So I asked God for rest.

Or did I? I thought I did. Maybe I only thought I did. I've thought about doing a lot of things.


One half of me sits dead as a stone on the floor of a dreary room, chained to the other half that is scrambling madly around, looking for truth, hope, a window, a key. I am heavy. She is annoying. We fight a lot. Sometimes I convince her to sit quietly and we cry together. Sometimes she has the strength to pull me up to search with her.

God, won't You set us free?

No.


I got ugly today. The kind of angry you can only get when you're at fault but you desperately want to blame someone else in hopes you can get out of the sure terror that will befall you in consequence (that is never actually as bad as you feared). See, there's this huge calendar on the wall at work and I referenced it when I asked off the days I needed to for NA08 (the last weekend in May) back in January so I'd be sure to get them off. But as it turns out, the calendar is from last year. 2007. Mary just asked me about it today, now that someone else has already asked off that Saturday and I'm booked for four massages-for-two. I ended up raising my voice at her, even though it's awesome that she thought to say something about it now rather than a week before. I think I scared her. I scared me, too.

I got ugly last night as well, though I managed not to yell at anyone in the process. Something about not wanting to serve in children's ministry but wanting to be a good mom and... bitterness. So maybe I managed to hide it then... but *I* saw it.

I've been ugly a lot lately. It's unnerving when my armor gets thin like this. But then again, that's the point, right? The fear and the shame and the worry and the failure to trust anybody and everybody I'm ugly at. That's the lesson. The one that's currently destroying me... but in the good way. I'm relying on my own strength and I can't keep it up. And I don't trust God. I had no idea it could have so many layers or run so deep, hh.

Design project: next

is going to be late.

I'm sorry. It can't be helped. We're supposed to do three paintings, exemplifying three color schemes, all the shapes of which must be taped off.

I hate taping off paintings. The tape tears the paper, it leaks paint underneath, and it takes FOREVER to apply. I thought I was doing so well, but after the first blob had been applied and I saw how awful it looked after how long I'd spent on it, I gave up and haven't been able to bring myself back to it.

And we have another project that requires taping due on Monday, too. Possibly not quite as much, but still. More of the same.

mrf.

"Fear is the mind killer."

~Dune



How ironic.

He's a pirate.

Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?

At least once more, Miss Swann, as always.


[As a long side note: I've never thought of myself as a great movie buff, but apparently the ones I know, I know well. Alaina had Pride and Prejudice going in her living room and I found myself affectionately quoting along with it. I don't even own that movie; how could I possibly have seen it too many times?? Or the time I was at The Spa and asked Kristen, "May I have my tips please, Darling?" When Jenn came over to get them out for me instead, I said jokingly, "You're not my Darling!" She got all offended until I told her it's a line from Fievel Goes West. Then she didn't think I was offensive... just obscure. Oh, and my favorite. The door to the pantry at my parents' house makes this awful groaning sound when you open it. It sounds not unlike the cry of a wookie. But it's also the same two sliding notes as the scene transition where Inigo Montoya leans on the tree that leads him to the Pit of Despair.]

So it seems I have a multitude of quotes to pull from. And often do. I haven't seen Pirates in some time, but I've been feeling ridiculous lately and this line got stuck in my head. She doesn't just love him. They've been best friends since childhood and he ought to be able to call her by her first name by now. But he insists on tradition and "propriety."

I have that problem. Not propriety necessarily, but I get to a certain comfort level with my friends and I stop. I'll tell you my life story, but I won't trust you as far as I can spit. Not that you'll do something horrible to me... but that you'll do nothing at all. And it's hard for me to remember that when that comes out, chances are that you'll feel spit UPON for not being considered trustworthy by now.

And it's just like that with God, only worse. He'll provide, lavish gifts, tell me in actions and even written Words that He loves me. But nooooo, no no. He mustn't. No, I say that not for anything He's done or withheld... it's just I don't trust Him to be faithful. You start to trust somebody and that's always the moment they take off. It's how it goes.

Isn't it?

So you get to the point where you're scared of being forgotten but you're just as scared of coming across as annoying and you end up blurting out something that makes no sense... other than that you don't trust this friend... and now you've hurt them. And God reaches down and says, "Can you see that you're doing that in our relationship too?" Then if you're lucky, your friend wasn't actually annoyed at you and they forgive you for your spittles and God leans slowly down till you can count His eyelashes and He (somehow gently) stares you down and says, "Have you forgotten that I do that for our relationship, too?"

At dear Christa's suggestion, I finally started on Running Scared, a book I actually bought myself over Christmas break because I knew I probably needed to read it. I just hadn't gotten to it. Or I'd been too scared, heh. I just finished section one and it's really good so far. Either that or it's just extremely what I need to be hearing right now... most probably both.

I still feel trapped though. Like I'm suffocating or drowning. The pain in my wrists comes and goes but my body as a whole is achy and weak most of the time and I just generally feel awful. And as always, there are so many variables that I have no idea what it is that I need to change, or how. Too much work? Too little exercise? Too much food? Too little? Not enough or too much of a certain thing? Not enough water? Lack of sleep? Or is it mostly emotional??

*sigh* I'm... tired.

how long, oh Lord?

Before I will trust? Or have faith? How long will I ride the roller coaster of emotions in my heart when my head knows the truth full well?

How long will I wish bitter words unsaid... or sit in silence for fear that they will come plummeting out? How long before I love You too much to be shaken by the frustrations of life?

How long will I be tired?

Design project 8

Go out into nature and find some things. Leaves, grass, flowers, whatever. Glue them down onto a piece of bristol board in such a way as to be artistically pleasing. Must be at least 6"x6". You have the option of bringing the project into class to be flattened before turning it in. (I did so)


Addendum: the image for Design project 7 has been updated. I repositioned the circles right before turning it in and pasted it on a black sheet instead of a white one. The image doesn't look much different from the way I presented it before, but it's a better scan and the orientation is correct. :)

in pain...

I went to the gym last night. I've been going pretty faithfully - three times a week almost every week for a month and a half. I approached one of the guys to ask about the chiropractor they have on staff... but as soon as I needed it, the word "chiropractor" went out of my head so I stood there with my mouth open for a second and he said, "Oh, you want to work with a trainer, don't you? Come on!"

I got suckered in.

I worked with Janelle for 15 minutes. Just 15. When I went to the gym on Monday, I was there about two hours. Which I don't mind - working out feels good to me. But when I got out of the car after I had driven home last night, I could barely climb the steps to the front door.

Actually, it's not that I'm in pain... not yet... I'm just very aware of my weakness. Like, can't straighted my legs and flex my quads, weak.

Love it.

Design project... 37?

I've lost count.

I would have gotten a hundred on the gargoyle, except she counted it late. You saw the three wheels of grade scale, got an A+ on that and the same on my nature collection (haven't scanned it in yet, but I have it back so I should be able to, soon). Then we had the frottage project, which I feel okay about, and the huge book project after that. I totally botched the book part - my pages aren't all the same size (I think they were better before I tried to trim them ) and the cover didn't come out quite as clean as I had envisioned, but I thought all (well, almost) my 26 line drawings inside were quite good, so I may still do okay. Plus I was one of the few who turned it in on time, lol.

The project we turned in last night is pretty self-explanatory when you see it - complimentary color scales, and those going to white, and the basic colors going to black, and the color "wheel." Ideally, I would have had a square punch for the swatches, but I couldn't find one and she'd said it was acceptable to use the circle.


Total swatches used: 193
Estimated total swatches painted: over 400
Estimated creation time over the last week: two class periods (3), one day (5), one morning (2), one afternoon (2), two evenings (6) = 18 hours. Enjoy! (or else!)

I didn't see anyone else turn theirs in yesterday (I mean really, what normal person has 18 hours in one week to spend on one Design project anyway??) but when I handed her mine, she sounded really pleased and showcased it to the class as an excellent example.

[Will post a proper scan when I get the project back, but I finished the project with just enough time to clean my crap out of the living room and pack the car for class to get there right on time... no time for scanning!]

What do you do?

When you love something. Absolutely love it. Don't think you really want to DO it for a job, but you want to do it better, so you go to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into taking the certification exam because, why not? You went to school for it. Aaaaand you get pressured into getting a job in the field because, why not? You went to school and took the test and got the license for it. And then you get a job! Who would have thunk? And you like what you do, you like your co-workers, your boss, the atmosphere, the people you help, the money...

but you're standing next to a client one day and you suddenly realize... "I don't like my job"?

I miss you

like an old friend. You saw my good days, you caught my tears, you kept my secrets. I know you - every curve, the sound of your voice, your scent. My favorite songs remind me of you. You always lift my spirits and remind me what is true. You listen to me when no one else will. You were there for me.

I miss you like an old friend.

I love you.

And that was the day...

...I realized I will never feel the need to go into a strip club.

Not even for a drink to celebrate a co-worker's birthday.

It just... ain't happenin.

"Better than I deserve."

In answer to a well meaning, "How are you?" this answer typically means two things - not very well, and it sucks but I don't deserve anything worth having anyway.

Subtle, twisted pride. Gets ya every time.

The way it was intended when I first heard "better than I deserve!" offered as an answer to this question was that we DON'T deserve anything good by our own merit - what we DESERVE is hell and separation from God. The ultimate of "bad days." And that's reason for HOPE, not bitterness, which is another root attitude of my answer. Bitter because I've given up hope for a belief that this is as good as it gets, forget that I'm the child of a Father who would give good things to His undeserving children (it's not about my worthlessness but His grace); might as well get used to lousy circumstances.

But (perhaps for the first time) I used it this evening in what I think is a better way: I'm not doing very well, it's true, but rather than listing my petty complaints that don't amount to a single dot in the span of time, let's focus instead on something we can hope in.

I'm not saying I won't share my struggles... and I won't say I don't struggle with finding a happy medium between admitting I'm unwell and claiming the truth of my big-picture situation... but it's so easy to unload on our sympathizing friends and forget to see God's hand in it. God's hand, His control over our lives, is not usually the first thing I see when faced with a difficult day. That is my weakness, but it is where I am.

So maybe it was better, but maybe not the best. I'm into extremes and have a hard time with balance. I guess that's the step that I'm missing - not denying either reality but actually making the conscious effort to acknowledge both... and see for myself that the Lord is good.

P.S. This is post 137. Just... thought I'd letcha know. :-D

da beetis no can haz!

Went back to the doctor again today. Ran out of Ambien CR on Tuesday night and all my best efforts last night resulted in a predictable night of minimal and broken sleep. He gave me a prescription for regular Ambien (YAY) and then showed me the results from all the blood tests they did after I was there last time. I'm safely within normal range on all of them, from sugar and sodium down to my kidney functions. I'm a fully normal human being. *turns aside and cracks up* So... there's no known physical reason for why I'm not sleeping.

I also asked him about my wrist and he said to take some anti-inflammatories but other than that, just do what feels good. (don't know how having sex will help this particular condition, but if it's what the doctor orders...! :-P er, ahem.) I've been rubbing cream on my hands and wrists that's supposed to promote ROM and circulation and it seems to really help. I've only worked one day this week so far but Friday and Saturday are coming up. I just hope I make it....

Meh. So. Tired.

How's life?

Eh, it's not my favorite.

But that's hardly anyone's fault by my own.

Getting some more Ambien before class. Yay.

-_-

Jeffkins

is a dear friend of mine. A bit of a kindred spirit. For one, we both tend to write a lot. ;)

This blog entry of his captures well, from a different view, my struggles with throwing off the covers and getting up.

It's good to know we're not the only ones in this fight....

ML8: interpretation

Interpretation is everything, and this is something I've been talking about all along.

Say you get cut off in traffic. If you interpret that as an act of deliberate meanness, you might get upset. But if you interpret it as being that you were in their blind spot and they didn't realize they cut you off, it's easier to forgive them. (I think I did this to someone once... because they then pulled in front of me and slammed on the brakes at close range for no apparent reason. Then they sped off. It was scary. And I had no idea I'd done anything offensive.)

Or say you get all the hard jobs at work while your peers get only a few moderate tasks for the day. You could whine that the designator is picking on you. Or you could trust that it was an oversight and have the humility to say, "I won't be able to get all these done. Can you give some of these jobs to someone else?"

A friend doesn't contact you for two weeks. You could interpret that as being that she's mad at you or is avoiding you for some unspoken reason, or you could figure that something has come up and didn't have time to call.

Interpretation will have a great affect on (if not determine) your reaction. Granted, there are sometimes wicked motives afoot, but as Christians, that still doesn't give us the right to get defensive and angry and demand retribution. But I think maybe this is what 1 Corinthians means when it says "Love believes all things" - that it is willing to see the best in people in unpleasant situations... and it ends up making our lives less stressful too because we're not steaming over our wounds that may or may not have even had any malicious intent behind them.

This relates to work in that I hear a lot of offense taken at co-workers or the way the business is run or the scheduling for the day... and I can think of umpteen reasons for those things to have ended up the way they were without any ill-intent in the making and no reason for anyone to get riled up over it. So I see the tension and the anger and the hard feelings in those around me... and I can get caught up in those too by absorbing their complaints... or I can choose to believe the best and come out on top, emotionally.

ML7: I'm an alien

I went to a Christian school from K-12, then again for college, and didn't have a really secular job until this one. I've been saturated.

Now I'm surrounded by non-Christians who look at me going about life as I always do, not always strong or hopeful or non-depressed... and they still want to know, "Why are you happy all the time?"

It's not something I normally think about. It's just life. God is in my life and He (obviously!) makes a difference that can be seen, but He's always been there and I don't really have "pre-conversion" memories or confessions or dramatic stories. And I've never been all that different from those around me, because they all had Him too. These co-workers make me see Christ in myself, if that makes any sense. They force me to step back and go, "Wow. I'm not normal. I never thought of myself as being anything extraordinary, but I stand out to these folks and it's all because of God. He's working in my life. He's using me to show them something different. That's awesome!"

And I think that's important. That it's too easy to take the presence of God for granted. Not even that I would take credit for His doing, but just that I don't acknowledge the difference He makes. It's good to see.

ML6: the force be behind you

This one I got out of a church sermon recently.

It's very easy to massage incorrectly. The most natural way to go about it is to use your hand muscles for everything. You have the most nerves in your fingers, so you can feel the muscles, the knots, the bones, and where pressure is needed. Your elbow? Notsomuch. Also, it's easier to bend over than it is to widen your stance and lower your body so that bending doesn't happen.

But when you use your elbow, you're using your upper arm and back muscles (think about it: MUCH bigger and stronger than the ones in your hand!) to do the work. And when you bend over all the time, well, duh, you're going to throw your back out of whack. More than that, when you have your feet wide apart, your power comes all the way from your back foot out your fingers, rather than from just your shoulders or wrists. The way the teacher described it is that ideally... [okay, this is complicated. Imagine the person is laying face up on the table. If I am working on their left side, I should have my right foot more towards the head of the table and my left more towards the foot of the table, with my torso turned to my right, right leg bent.] ... for my long strokes along the arm or leg, all of my weight should be in my left leg - I should be able to lift the right foot fully off the ground. Using my whole body to do the work.

Life is like that. When we don't depend on God's power to run our lives, it's like we're trying to give a massage from our fingertips and not from our weight-bearing foot. We have so little strength within ourselves. We need Him or else we just end up sore and broken... and forced to depend on Him to keep going whether we want to or not!

ML4: we need each other; ML5: don't complain

I've heard my share of slander since starting at the Spa. This person is so bad because of this, that person is so lazy because of that, etc.

Don't complain. Complaining is like a disease that spreads quickly and affects everyone you come in contact with. Complaining just makes both you and the recipient miserable. It might bring about change, therefore there can be a positive aspect to it, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it.

Besides.

We need each other. It does no good to cut one another down (to their face or behind their back) because we're only hurting ourselves. We're part of the same team. If I wish ill for a member of my own team, it doesn't do me good. It's especially apparent to me in this context - it's a lot harder to do my job with 3.5 people than it was when there were 7. My not liking someone doesn't mean that I don't need them to be there and do their job.

In the end, will it have been better that so many of our team have left, if we are eventually able to replace them with better, more positive individuals? Perhaps. I'm not saying it's not for the best. But in the meantime, I wish more people could see that we need to build each other up because it means we're taking care of ourselves.

I just found one of the new nail techs is leaving. "On call," she says. Just like the seasoned esthetician who is also leaving. I just... I KNOW it could be such a great place to work and I wish it could live up to its potential as such, but I don't think anyone knows where the weak links are.

"No day but today."

Mark: I hate to see you pass up something that could be good for you.

Roger: *scoffs* I'll live.

Mark: ... Right.

"I'll live." No... not forever. In this scene from Rent, Mark and Roger already knows Roger's dying of AIDS. But we're all dying, y'know? One day. And yet we put things off - relationships, experiences, doing the things we love....

Roger: Another day...

Mimi: No day but today.

We aren't promised another day.

I was faced with this on Friday at care group, too. Several folks asked if I had a good week. No. No, not particularly. I was pretty plagued by physical pain and emotional depression for the bulk of the week, actually, finding myself often desperate for someone to talk to and knowing of no one to go to. But these friends... new to me and already so dear... why shouldn't I be willing to call them up, tell them I'm doing lousy, ask for an encouraging word or a silent cup of coffee? Why should it be a surprise to ALL of them that I had a miserable week? It shouldn't. I'm just a part, but I AM a part of this body, and we're in this together. And they do an awesome job of earnestly loving one another, btw... of earnestly loving ME. But they can't if I won't tell them when I need them. I'd let a week of days go by and never contacted one of them.

One of the biggest things I love about Rent is the community. The closeness that the characters have, even more so, knowing the closeness that the actors have as a team - it's rare to build relationships in regular life like you can when you're in rehearsals with folks. But it's how we're supposed to be. It's the way we're supposed to relate to each other. It was for intimate relationship that we were created, and our loved ones can be a reflection of that.

I won't live forever. I don't have forever to love and be loved on. Today is the day for it.

^_^

FUNNIEST thing I heard ALL day.

Jenn pokes her head into the office like she's looking for someone... and it doesn't appear to be me. But she has this little guy in her hands. She scans the room briefly, smiles slightly at me, then in a high pitched voice announces,

"Black ninja chicken says helloooo!"

Then leaves abruptly.

I don't know... maybe it's because he's not black... but black... maybe it's just that he's such a happy little creature. But I just about died laughing. And was later struck by it again, still hearing her voice in my head. Several times.

Had to share. :-D

When pain is all you can see...

it's time for a change of scenery.

The cross is always there, Christ never changes, but we tend to put things in between us and Him such that we see those things of the world as bigger than we ought.

God made us to feel pain so that, if for no other reason, we know when something is wrong with our bodies (or minds). If you didn't feel the heat of a stove, you could burn through your hand, rendering it useless. If I didn't feel this pain in my wrist, I'd probably be using it as I always have and may have done even more damage to it by now, losing my ability ever to use it at all.

But what then? Yes, there is pain. There will always be pain. And war. And sin, in this God-forsaking world. So do I whine, pity myself, and medicate? Yes. Yes I do. But while medication is good and a blessing to a point, I'm missing something essential. I'm not seeing how the pain is itself a blessing - it shows me how I am dependent on self and SHOULD be gratefully reminded that it is God who heals, it is He who sustains, He who knows all and deserves praise for every circumstance.

I want to see the place I find myself each day as a gift. Not "life is a gift!" or other such that makes you think you're responsible for finding good things in your dreary life to hope in, but that the "good" and the "dreary" are orchestrated by and gifts from God, because He knows we need them at that moment. Because we can put our hope in Him.

I prefer to be tougher than that. Pardon, I prefer to ACT tougher than that.

Thanks again to the friends who have struggled with these trials and ideas before I have and been a Godly example of how to react.


This post has been brought to you with a bag of frozen peas on my wrist. w00t.

care group questions

"What is something that distracts your attention from the all-important work Christ did on the cross?"

Pain.

When I'm in pain, be it physical or emotional, it makes little difference, it's all I can see. My aching heart or my sprained ankle or my sore wrist or my headache... it IS my world, when I'm not careful (which is often).

"What is something you can do to direct your attention back, have gospel centered thinking, and renew your joy?"

As I was putting the words together in my mind, I realized that what works for me is what they told me all along... I just didn't see it: confess your sin. I have to be honest about how I'm feeling rather than stuffing it and moving on (pride, selfishness, or both) and take the time to see what those feelings are and why they aren't Christ-centered. If I won't admit where I am, emotionally, I don't understand it; I can't confess it or see why it's not where I want to be. But! Once I've seen it, owned up to it, confessed it, then I can be freed of it and find joy again.


I feel like my answers are very simple compared to the rest. I don't know if that's my perception, or if it's due to maturity, or because everyone assumes the simple answers and therefore go for something deeper.... But I didn't get a chance to share last night due to time (and me not butting in) and I wanted to flesh out those thoughts here.

ML2: limitations + ML3: ask, seek, knock?

I think there's something in our nature that tries to make us think we're omnipotent, that we can do any and everything, that we can handle whatever comes at us. We don't like to think we're dependent on Someone.

It is sometimes good, therefore, to overstep our boundaries. That way we know where they are.

I know how much is too much for me to work. If I have inflicted permanent damage, then my boundary may be even closer than when I passed it this time, but I've got the general idea.

It hasn't been a part of my schedule for several weeks - either she wasn't in the office or I didn't have any time free (often the case, since I'm now the only one working that day) but I'm supposed to meet with Mary every Wednesday to go over how I'm doing in the company, how much I'm selling, how many clients I'm seeing, etc. And she asks me - how many clients to I want to try to get to rebook this week? How many new clients do I want to try to sell products to? How many clients do I want to have for the week?

Now, up until this point, I've been... okay. I've been tired, I've been sore, but I've also been new and figuring out my place in the company and getting my body used to the work, so I've expected to be tired and sore. So I just always told her the same number each week, because it had been... okay... for me to do that many. And I figured I didn't really have any say, anyway - I had to take what was coming. After my experience this past week, though, I wonder if my serious input might make a difference. Like, if I told them I only wanted to see 18 clients a week, would that keep them from putting more on? Or if I said I only wanted 16, would my chances be good of getting, maybe not 16, but closer to 16 than to 23? See... I really don't think Stacy is the bad guy. I think the bad guy is a lack of communication between all parties involved. Me to them about what my needs are, her to them about how serious she is about taking care of us, and them "communicating" with the schedule - just being too busy to notice how much they're piling on.

My wrist has been better yesterday and today, but it's rather sore this evening. Hoping it will be better by morning....

ML1: Two Sides

It's true what they say. There are two sides to every story. Two ways of looking at any given situation. Probably more.

You can be the type of person who is looking to be offended. Keeping tabs of wrongs to be used against another, later.

I try not to do that. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Because they usually deserve it. It's easy to misunderstand people, situations, circumstances, and I know that.

But sometimes you get to a certain point and you realize you've been seeing this... how many times has it been now? You haven't been counting, but suddenly you know it's been a regular occurrence and you wish you HAD been keeping track. Not because you're looking to make demands... but because you have to take care of yourself to a certain extent and you want to know if you have a good reason for feeling as bad as you do.

So I think: I'm a part of this team. Things happen, and I want to support them where I am able. If that means doing a few extra massages, coming in for a few extra hours, ending up a little more sore at the end of the day, that's okay. It's for the good of the group. It's just this once. I'll make it up to myself next week.

But then something else comes up next week. And the week after that. The circumstances are a little different each time, but the end result is the same. "Can you do this for us? We're begging. Pleading. We'll kiss your face and let you go early. [all of, what? 45 minutes? 30 of which will still be spent on closing duties?] Just this one little thing. Please?"

I'm starting to feel like Dagne in Atlas Shrugged. The heroine, she lives in a world of "looters" that think it's okay to place more and more unreasonable demands on her and her business, expecting her to deliver the same results, and fix their problems that they created out of greed and irresponsible choices. They haven't thought about it seriously enough to realize it's impossible... "She'll figure out a way to do it. She always does."

I called the spa and was able to talk to my boss. I was on the verge of telling her I wouldn't be able to come in tomorrow. If they know that I'm not going to get better before I can rest my wrist, but expect me to work a five day week after I've already expressed that I need to have my week split up into two sets of two days due to my normal physical limitations and I'm actually suffering on top of that, something's not being communicated to one or both parties. If they valued me as an employee, wouldn't they be the ones to tell me to stay home and let it rest? Wouldn't my longevity as a therapist be more important than having to make a few phone calls to cancel with clients? Isn't the fact that I have to give a sub-par service reason enough to tell the client to reschedule so they're getting what they're paying a fortune for?

But from Stacy's view, four of those five clients I have tomorrow are coming in have purchased packages - if they have to cancel these clients, it affects like six other people's ability to earn their income for the day. And why do we only have three and a half therapists working? Well, because she doesn't want to hire any more "bad fits" like Gloria, but they're the ones that have been sending in the applications. So... she's trying, but would rather only hire "keepers" than to settle for "warm bodies" that will wear out their welcomes in two weeks, just for the sake of having someone there to give the massages.

On the other hand, I'd settle for having warm bodies if it would alleviate some of the work we've had put on us. As long as we're thinking along those lines, why are we trying to bring in so many in the first place? Wouldn't it be simple enough to put a cap on each of the therapists rather than filling every possible time slot?

If it didn't happen so often, I wouldn't notice. But at this point I wish I'd been keeping track so I have a realistic view of what's been happening and have some facts to show Stacy if I needed to make a real protest. If anything, I try never to protest without the details behind it.

As for my wrist... I've iced it. I've wrapped it. I've frozen-peas-ed it. I've soaked it. I've jelly bathed it. I stretch it before and during the day. I've started drinking more water. I baby it. I tiger balm and biofreeze it. Each massage is dreaded because I expect it to give out on me at any moment... meanwhile my elbow, shoulder, neck, and back are bearing the brunt of the work and starting to take on their own shooting pains.

"Just five hours tomorrow. Only six on Friday." And Saturday is a nine hour day with a 45 minute break.

I probably shouldn't be typing. But I needed to talk through this....

anger.

Anger, so I have learned, been taught, and seen to be true, often finds its beginnings in idolatry. You're mad at Bobby for stealing your pencil? It could be because you care more about that pencil than you do obeying God and loving Bobby. You're mad that your car broke down? Is that because you trust more in the things that you have than in the God who gave them to you? You're angry that you're still single? Well, that's the oldest one in the Joshua Harris book....

My ignorance, my failures, my very emotions spark the flame of my anger. "Stop feeling that!" Even though I'm aware that feelings are not bad in themselves but rather stem from wrong heart attitudes. Anger because I am not good enough... something I already know in my head to be true. Anger directed at myself because I want to see some progress. I want to look at God and be able to say, "You have something to say 'Well done!' about. I have been good and faithful. Not all the time, but You see I was trying." If I have nothing to show for it, no evidence of change, I feel like there's nothing that says I've learned anything or was trying at all.

But... I can't earn His favor... so what am I trying to accomplish? I want to be obedient. I want to be a child He can be proud of. Yet is even that just a way of glossing over saying that I'm trying to win (earn) His affection (forgiveness)?

"Embracing Accusation." I'm cursed because I have sinned and cannot save myself. My only hope for a future is in the fact that Someone was declared a sufficient substitute for me and took my curse. I am no longer damned. But I am still alive. In this relationship with a maddening, head swirling God who commands that I be perfect as He is perfect, but not because I can earn anything. And not because I lose anything for my imperfection. And not because I get any recognition for any small successes, especially since I can't claim any glory for them regardless because of my fallen state. And I should be grateful for all the punishment of my failures that I can get because the discipline makes me more like Christ.

Why? "Because it pleases God." Okay, but... isn't that what I said before? I said, "I want to be a child He can be proud of." I want to please Him. Okay, perhaps "please" is deceptive, here. It's great if He's pleased, but more than that, I don't want to make Him angry. I'm terrified of His anger. Not even of discipline; discipline I can handle. But just don't be angry at me.

Fear. If we're afraid of God, we don't trust Him. My focus is on myself - on my failures, on my inability to please. I should never be focused inward - idolatry of self is the most terrifying of all. No, I need to trust Him. Because I KNOW He is trustworthy; if I don't know anything else, I know that. Clearly, it is still only head knowledge. But I know it. And if I can learn to trust Him, to look to Him rather than to my failures to be like Him...

everything else really does fade away.

my arm is taking a frozen jelly bath. O_O

Jenn is so sweet. I had my right wrist wrapped at work today because it was hurting so bad. She said a cold jelly bath should help. So now I'm home with a plastic bag taped around my arm, my hand and wrist suspended in a blue slimy jelly that was made with ice cubes floating in it. An hour later now, I think the cubes have finally melted....

I really hope I can tell her it helped, but I have my doubts.

Also, Reiner took hold of my hand right before she did and yanked on it, with the intent of popping something back into place. I felt the impact all the way over in my left armpit. But I'm not sure that helped my wrist either....

This post has been brought to you by my left hand.

This bag is coming off.......

night beauty

"There's something magical
about discerning the caps of the waves
by naught but the full moon
as you drive over a lake."

I was on a long drive. Kinda lonesome. Wanted somebody to talk to. And then I passed over a huge lake. There were no lights around, just the moon (that was a little less than full, but close enough) reflecting off the water. More gorgeous than the image above - the best picture I could find online. So I sent out a text to a bunch of friends to see if anybody was up and chatty. The loving responses? :

"Please don't drive in the lake or text long poems while you drive...."

"I wish you'd stop driving on lakes that aren't frozen!!!"

biking through the bitterness

[I listened to Skillet and Frou Frou as I was working out this evening. Can you tell?]

I used to play a little game when I was in high school. I had only started listening to secular music (via the radio) in eighth grade or so... up until that point it had been 80's/early 90's Christian rock only. But I didn't want the romantical focus of the songs I was now hearing to make me sad for the relationship I didn't have (I don't change much, eh?) so I often chose to hear them as love songs to or from the Savior rather than between two human lovers.

Skillet's album, Comatose, is written (in my opinion) in such a way that most of the songs can be taken either way - communicating with God or with a lover. Tonight I made the conscious decision to listen to them from the Christian perspective.

It made me angry. Like, white knuckled, lips curled into a snarl, legs pumping furiously at the pedals, angry.

It wasn't the first time it's happened. Even in the last week.

(through clenched teeth and eyes winced shut) "He knows what He's doing. He loves me. It doesn't matter who else does or what anyone thinks of me. If no one else loves me for the rest of my life, He is enough. I WILL be content, dammit!"

I don't usually even get to that point lately.

I'm usually already asleep again, blissfully hiding from the inner turmoil by hitting the snooze button. For the 370th time.

But where's the next point that I need to get to? That's a terribly unholy way to end the story, hhh. Something's not connecting. I should be left with hope. I SHOULD be left content. I DO have everything I need in Him. Why, instead, do I respond in anger?

It's not anger at Him. You might argue with me on that, but I'm pretty sure it's true. Instead, it's anger at myself. Not angry that I don't have something I want but cannot have, ask for and do not get... but angry that it bothers me so much. That I'm not beyond this. That I do still want it so badly, to the point of blindness. Not in a demanding, "Don't I deserve this one thing?" sort of way, but in a desperate, pleading, pathetic "Don't I get to be happy... somewhere down the line?" sort of way. For crying out loud, if anyone should have figured out how to deal with this issue, I'd think I would have. I've had plenty of time to practice.

But spitting the truth at myself doesn't seem to work. "Have you ever felt forgiven?" "No... no, not really. But so what? They're just feelings." "Emotions don't decide truth, but they're a part of who we are, and there needs to be a communication between head and heart."

I think somewhere in my past, quietly, without my notice... my wires were cut.

Seriously.

[I've probably written this post before, perhaps nearly word for word in some places. I'm just seeing it again, from a new angle... still dealing with the same old struggles]

let go....

I'm not the sort of girl to plan and plot out my wedding before there's a ring. The stone and the dress and the flowers and the location and the blah blah blah.

Maybe that's weird of me, I don't know.

But there's one thing I do know for sure. I want this song played.

*yank*

Comatose
~Skillet

I hate feelin' like this, I'm so tired of tryin' to fight this...
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to You.
Tell me that You will listen. Your touch is what I'm missin'...
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losin' You .

Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.

I don't wanna live. I don't wanna breathe.
'Less I feel You next to me - You take the pain I feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)
I don't wanna sleep. I don't wanna dream,
'cause my dreams don't comfort me the way You make me feel.
(Wakin' up to You never felt so real)

I hate livin' without You. Dead wrong to ever doubt You.
But, my demons lay in waitin' tempting me away.
Oh, how I adore You. Oh, how I thirst for You. Oh, how I need You.

Comatose. I'll never wake up without an overdose of You.

Breathing life.
Waking up.
My eyes,
Open up.

Massage Lessons!

(heretofore referred to as "ML")

I have a lot of time to think about things at my job. It's kind of like a dance, maybe... once you know the steps, you don't have to think about what your feet are doing - you just dance and your mind can wander. Maybe I shouldn't be like that, but regardless....

So I think about things. I think about life as it relates to the people I work with, the experiences I have, the worldly lifestyle versus the God-centered lifestyle, you get the idea. I'll get to those shortly.

Meanwhile, I've just recently arrived home from a weekend at the farm (w00t) and am rather tired... yet in need of a good workout, as this will be a long week. I have a lot of work to do to prep for next week of classes (this is spring break for us this week, yay!) ... and we're down another therapist at work. Yeah. There were 7 employed at the spa when I arrived in January, including myself. Since then, two others have been brought in, four have quit, one went to part-time, and the newest one was let go this week. So we're essentially down to 3.5 therapists. >_< And to make up for the one we lost, they asked if I could come in on Thursday and get next Wednesday off.

I should have said no. I literally started crying on Saturday for fear that the muscles in my hand were going to collapse in the middle of a massage. I'm still hurting tonight.

I have my 90 day evaluation tomorrow at 1pm. They told me not to worry - I'm excellent. Maybe I should be wishing I'd get fired, instead....

"If I don't like it, can I quit?"

Facing the music.

Facing my fears.

Deciding to engage, even when it means a day I don't necessarily enjoy due to breakage and aches and pains in my soul from lack of use of trust.

Being obedient and setting my feet on the floor that wouldn't be so cold if I hadn't been lazy and in bed so long.

I should be celebrating.

...why is that, again?

Preach the gospel to yourself. Study the character of God. Don't listen to yourself - speak to yourself, reminding yourself of God's truth.

*sigh*

It's morning.

"Study" by Frederick Lord Leighton

"Study the character of God," they said.

I didn't really get it. I got, "Preach the gospel to yourself." That makes sense. But God? Whuh... I mean, He's just... God, y'know? He's unknowable isn't He? Study Him. You mean study the Bible?

I wasn't really thinking.

I think it's a blessing for sure... but in a very few ways it's also a disadvantage to have grown up immersed in Christian culture. That the story of the crucifixion could become "old hat" by the time I was seven, before I was grown enough really to appreciate it. That I could ever miss the gravity. That I could ever NOT be driven to disgust by the sight of my sin written in the lines of His horrified, rejected face.

It's hard to see Him. It would be, when I'm constantly averting my gaze in prideful shame that doesn't want to own up to it. In words? Sure. But to make myself LOOK at it?

God is doing battle over my soul, even now, to teach me and pump real blood through me again. To SHOW His character to me. I feel as though I'm waking up from a winter of hibernation. "I thought you already said your friends at the church were awesome at challenging you?" They are. Thank God, they are! Perhaps... they were an alarm clock at which I would smile and say, "Five more minutes," before pulling the blanket back over my head.

Jesus has come in and is yanking the covers off with a wide open smile and telling me, "It's time to get up! NOW." :-D

And I have to talk about it. Bear with me; I HAVE to talk about it, or else I fear I will pass out into another year of slow circulation and moderate passion.

God, don't give up on me....

And God said...

"Hey look, it's Me! Put on somebody else's shades and stand where they've been standing. No, don't do anything. Just look. Just listen. Yeah, it's still Me. You hadn't seen this yet because you've been looking through your different color and you haven't gazed from that spot yet. But it's not any less who I am. Now that you've seen it, now that the pieces click and you have that glimpse of My goodness to fall back on in times of struggle, don't forget it!"

I'm grateful for people who let me borrow their sunglasses and tell me where to stand. It's nothing less than an enormous blessing... and I've been blessed with a few lately.

Terminator Trilogy

"Pain can be controlled. You disconnect it."
"And so you feel nothing."
"It's better that way."

"You don't have any feeling about [death] whatsoever?"
"No. I have to stay functional till the mission is complete."

"Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine!"

a thin layer

Maybe it goes back to this American dream of trying to do way too many things in the 24 hours we're given each day.

I am one person. I only stretch so thin - can only commit my heart, my time, my effort to SO many people, SO many hours of work, SO many hours to school, and still have time to rest, recharge, and take care of myself. (don't forget - even sleep is a necessary gift and a gracious reminder that we're incapable of going on forever)

1 Peter tells of the importance of passionately loving all those in the body of Christ, because we are one in Him. I sometimes feel like this is a charge to love everyone I know with equal vigor and effort. But... not possible! I don't have all THAT many friends, but even I have too many for that challenge. I need some who will know me deeply and walk close to me as we fight for each other and against our own sin natures on our journey towards Christ... but I cannot maintain that depth with everyone. I can't even be a good Facebook friend with everyone!

It's been a very real battle for me. Not wanting to fool myself into thinking I'm a big shot... not wanting to cut myself down to thinking I'm not important or needed at all... knowing when it's okay to say Yes and when No is the better choice.

It's hard to give up. "I can do all things through Christ!" Still... can it be a wise and loving choice to say, "I can't be there for you like you're asking. I honor you and I love you as a member of the same body, but I need to let those closer to you during this season of our lives be your emotional and spiritual support from now on, and let me can do the same with those who are closer to me"? Can it be MORE loving of an individual to admit that someone else can do a better job at actively loving that individual than I can, due to my limitations?

I believe it can... but I don't believe I'm very good at it.

awareness of sin

I'm pretty self-righteous. I'm pretty good at catching sin and at least acknowledging it as such before getting caught up in a worship/sermon setting where it'll catch me off-guard and make me feel REALLY bad. I guess that just means... I'm pretty proud of my strivings toward humility.

Well, He got me last night.

I'd just left a voice message, "No, that's all right. No problem. I wasn't bothered at all."

WHAM. Right in the gut.

Not bothered by sin? Really? Not at all? Not a problem? Are you sure you want to say that?

Okay. All right. I'm think I'll go crawl in a hole now. Eight words into the first verse of the first song, "Sorry. I'm just going to chill out over here on the steps where I can curl up in a fetal position and wallow in this really, really strong condemnation."

Condemnation? No, love. That is not I. I will only convict you. I will show you your sin, draw you back to Myself.

*rocks back and forth* But look what I just did! I was evil. For HOURS. I didn't even see it. I was that blind. I didn't have time to deal with it before I entered worship. I. Am so. Ashamed.

But My child. Don't you hear what you're saying? If you were not Mine, if you were not forgiven already, would you care? Nay, would you even see it now? I've shown you, given you eyes to see, and shed blood enough to cover you. Come, rest in My peace, for I have not turned you away as you expect.


Sudden conviction catches me off-guard. So does the accompanying forgiveness. I'm grateful for both... and also for the good friends who wouldn't let me sit on the stairs alone but came and fought for me.

a most welcome e-mail

Ran into a History classmate at Barnes and Noble yesterday whilst I was collecting information on Jackson Pollock (who, as it turns out, sounds disturbingly similar to myself). Ryan wasn't aware that our research paper was due this week. He's the same guy who wasn't aware that we had a test the other day.

Fortunately for both of us, he was right this time. I checked with the teacher and she said it's not due till the 20th, next week.

I just got that feeling that you get after you've eaten just a little too much at prom dinner but you're home now and can take off the dress that has gotten just a little too tight (even when you're sucking it in) and put on some baggy pj pants and relax.

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God, You are all we need to make us whole. We are not incomplete when You complete us. Don't let me believe that I am. Capture me.

How my soul raged against that simple prayer last night. Why so downcast?


You know what Matt asked me at care group on Friday? "Have you ever felt forgiven?" I've rejoiced in the goodness of God. I've felt relief at letting myself believe what I was singing. I've been in love with Him. But feel forgiven? Like, feely feel? ... "No" is probably not a good answer, huh?

a most welcome visitor

*doorbell rings*

I'm home alone. I'm not expecting any company. And the dog is barking up a storm.

I gingerly head downstairs and peek through the blinds to the front porch. I haven't had any trouble in my neighborhood yet, but I've been told some bad stories lately that happened in Greenville and am a little on edge. I see a nice looking guy in a work uniform. There's that split second of bewilderment right before a dozen emotions overtake me and my mind whirls to put the pieces together and think of something to say as I quickly open the door.

"Hi. I'm... so sorry. I completely forgot you were coming." "That's all right. I didn't wake you up did I?"

It's 11am, my hair is still wet, and my room is highly cluttered with full (at least they're all clean) laundry baskets, papers, and a card table full of research materials. Standing before me is the guy from Charter, here to set up the internet in my house. Naturally, the cable is in my room. Under a pile of stuff. *slaps forehead*

He's very gracious, if a little put off by one of my neighbors, and does the job quickly... using a laptop with a hot pink cover. "It's my wife's... mine was dropped on the job and is still in the shop. I told her I'm going to get something to cover over it, heh. But at least it does the job, right?"

So. Greetings from a house with internet! :-D I had no idea how slow it has been running, bumming off other people. This is so nice. Yay!

good writing

"Learning is dangerous.

But I'm glad we do."

Liberty_Belle_76


Another post by Ian24601. I think it's good. I think. It's also a little scary, somehow... and possibly has something to do with what I've been working through personally... but it will have to wait until later before I can come back to it. For now, all I can think about is Pollock, but a little porcelain doll on the shelf keeps me up at night.

See if you can figure THAT one out.

slightly distracted...

but heck, who wouldn't be??? :-D

(No, he's not mine, lol. Found this pic online a while back. So cute I had to share!)

Many Things. (TM)

Hokay, zoh.

Monday Design class, I was behind cuz I'd skipped Wendesday's class, right? We were supposed to create a graphite value scale, or so I was told, by using the same amount of pressure with each of the ten grades of art pencil we were told to buy at the beginning of the semester. So since I forgot my tool box, I borrowed the pencils from my neighbor and quickly did the assignment. I use a really light pressure when I draw, to a fault, so even my 8B (softest graphite) was a really light shade. Turns out it didn't matter... it was just to use for the upcoming project (see last post).

Wednesday I go into class on zero amounts of sleep, as I had been up till 3:15 finishing the project and was afraid to take my medicine. It's supposed to last 6-8 hours, you see, and I only had 3.75 before the alarm went off. I figured I'd at least fall straight asleep... but it was not to be.

As per the doctor's orders, I've started halving my meds, trying to make sure I don't get hooked and can just let my body get into the groove of sleeping naturally at night. So Wednesday and Thursday night that's what I did, but was still exhausted the next day. Took a whole one last night... still didn't make much of a difference. Anyway. All that is actually a side note, LOL.

After class, I went to the Silver Chair to meet up with a couple of girls I had agreed to meet there the week before. I think they forgot we'd talked about it, but I got caught up in a conversation with a couple of the guys from church who DID happen to be there and stayed much later than I should have, considering all the work I had to do. One of them gave me the idea I needed for this big project coming up, though, for which I was very excited. (thanks Justin!)

I went into my other class, History of Western Art, on Thursday night. I was coming from art supply shopping for the big project due for Design in a few weeks that will count as two grades (it's a doozy) and was afraid I'd be late... so I tried to short cut my way there on time. Instead I got lost, rear-ended a nice lady who jumped out, looked, and waved me on, and was three minutes late for class. I think she was gracious enough to wave it this time, though. (she's a stickler for being on time)

We got our second tests back - I got an 80 (unless she didn't give me full credit for the one page paper we're supposed to hand in along with each test). Which is a few points better than the last one. Which is hard for me, since I'm used to getting A's or high B's without study... and I've spent 2 or 3 or more hours studying each time.

It became clear from the discussion at the end of class that the rough draft (to be traded with a classmate and proofread) of the big, semester-long research paper that I haven't started on... is due next Thursday. But since this past Thursday night, I've been working during business hours and haven't been able to get to the library for books. Not that I've had the energy to be looking through them in the first place. So I'm going to have to skip lunch with the gang from church so that I can get in tomorrow, and also skip the afternoon/evening at the Payne's where the gang is going to hang out and play games, because I have to be working on this research paper. And the Design project that was assigned Wednesday and is due Monday night.

Meanwhile, my room is still a disaster. The laundry basket that was full of clean clothes is starting to shrink and the dirty basket that never quite made it back into the closet is overflowing. I had to go to WalMart after work tonight so that my cat didn't think I'm trying to starve her to death (we were out of food). And I'm still tired. And I really, really don't want to start researching.

Blarg. Anyway. That's what's new with me.

Also... I had a talk with my pastor, Matt, at care group last night. I don't know that I'm satisfied even yet, but he gave me some things to chew on. Wonderful friends Katie and Salem both gave the therapist a massage that night, too. My friend Emily has had a debilitating migraine for like two weeks straight, but she still comes to care group. We have a new female therapist at the spa, and supposedly a guy coming from Italy... but right before he was supposed to start, his dad died so he had to fly out for the funeral. I think I'm getting better at my trade and I am gradually improving my body mechanics (which actually HAS seemed to help my end-of-the-day condition!)... but I'm really starting to miss secretary work. It's weird. Just had the first client to come back to me for a third time today - very exciting. She's already booked for another one in two weeks, w00t. Oh, and had a person who's been in like twenty times or more came to me today for a SUPER deep massage... and she said she'd ask for me next time. I don't even think I'm all that good at deep massage... or at least I didn't before today, hhh. OH! And Charter is coming on Monday to set us up with real internet, YAY!

My cat almost fell off the headboard of my bed. I lawled at her. ^_^

Okay. I really can't keep putting this off. Suffice it to say that life is a little weary, but God is good and I've got it way better than most.

Design project 7

Create three value wheels: one done with black India (quill pen -esque) ink, one with black and white paint, and one with various grades of graphite pencil. In a way that touches each individual shade, incorporate a middle grey to contrast with the rest. This could be done with a stack of squares and a grey rectangle that stretched across them, or with triangles in a circle with punched-out dots of the grey on top of each... one girl in my class made fish bodies with the values and the middle grey was the fins... or something like that. You could be as creative as you could... my juices weren't flowing so well, but it turned out okay. I think I certainly accomplished the objective, at least!

(another bad scanning job... long story behind this one... I may come back and rescan it in when I get it back.)